Christopher Titus • Love Is Evol • Full Special

Everyone, Christopher Titus, how are you, except for the global pandemic? Well, listen. I'm putting

love

is evil on my website right now. Actually, it's not on my website. It will be published on YouTube. My YouTube channel. Christopher Titus TV. Watch the

full

90-minute

special

for free. It's the best thing I've ever done, well everyone says it's the best thing I've ever done, it's something everyone comes up to me and calls each other a friend without that

special

man. I was going to kill myself, so that's a plus. My impression is that I'm glad you didn't. It was funny, so anyway. it's on my youtube channel Christopher Titus TV with a ton of other content, new Armageddon updates and whatever, but we're going to post the

full

special and we'll post a new one every week from now until this is over or until it runs .

The specials are out, so maybe we have six weeks left when I get back to the clubs: all the staff and all the people we work with every week, who keep the audience lubricated, who keep the tickets in order, who run the pack dough in those clubs and then we'll pack another show in 30 minutes when this is over. I'm doing a last week show called the last one for the staff and any money we make on that show will be split between the staff. Any other comments would like to participate. In this now, be amazing, but you know you make it work and you have made my life work for a long time, so to all the staff, to all the clubs, thank you for saying it to all the other people or the businesses that you run . you pay, you get rich, think about this, try to do something for them, it's okay, you can only help when you can affect something.

Comedy clubs are where I can affect something to rescue industries and everyone with CEOs and people, maybe this is it. This is not a time to worry about protecting your butt. You've been doing it for a long time. Maybe this is the time to help protect the people who made you rich. It's not that I'm rich, but I've done pretty well. I have a sign with my name behind me alright, okay guys, your

love

is evil. Thank you, if you are here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide then you have never really been in love and if you are here tonight then you have never contemplated murder then you have never divorced it is the worst thing I have ever done in my life I would rather be the majority shareholder and an Alec Baldwin daycare chain with Britney Spears as CEO and this was my mistake later in my last comedy special I said: God, give me a new idea for a new comedy special and Godwin, you're getting divorced, so it turns out that you're even more specific when you talk to God, okay, yeah, don't just give God a blank slate. he runs with it I filed for divorce on June 6 Oh six six six six yes, which coincidentally turned my ex into a demon slithering from the fiery depths of Satan's anus, but for legal reasons I have to call her Kate and I knew she knew that things were weird, I knew they were weird, you know, we were together 15 years and things started going a little bad 17 years ago because she had one of those families and if you're dating someone right now and you've met their family and their family gets hit and you think, oh okay, they're the good guys, so you're mentally ill, okay, because they're not the good guys, they're like a psycho man, tylenol gelcap, tick tac, tick tac, crazy They come from his family, Irish Catholics, autistic, but no. the happy specials the real bad guys you know hey we're going to fight they'll drink it with a drink in the fight you want a fight drink what what what what every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block by which we have all been there a group of people who live there are too old to be children but will never be adults, you can tell by the Aerosmith rocks poster in the living room window because the sociopathic pit bulls roam the yard in At all times the brown one has one leg and just falls against the fence every two hours.

Families can be said to double their net worth because they parked a new, gutted Chevelle in the driveway. The postman is afraid to bring the mail so he just gives it to the police because they will be there anyway and if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood you live in this house and your name Why do we stay with these people? We've all done it. We have all been left with the nightmare. Why are we stuck with these life-sucking vampires, man, these soul-sucking humps that just drag you through the psychological bagua day after day and year after year to leave at the end of the relationship everything that you be an empty shell full of hate and fear by the way don't look at the person you're with now is a bad time to take a look I have to warn you about tonight's show tonight's show will either fix your relationship or destroy it and either way you're welcome yeah happy valentine's day there are some things I'm going to mention later that you might want to go to don't do it stay here okay here don't look at them why are we staying with this people?

We've all done it. why you know why we stay because each of us in our brain has that little voice inside that tells you that you are not good enough, that you will never be good enough, that you are not handsome enough, that you won't make enough money that that little voice, when you leave I'm going to ask for a raise because yes, well, they're going to fire you 80 years ahead, ask for the pacifier, my bad mom tonight, it was as if you were going to do a comedy. special, you spell wrong, bad idiot, idiot, you're the idiot, that's how bad my insides are if I'm on the highway and the lane I'm in stops and I stop in the next lane and that lane stops, my enemy will stop you says that.

It was your fault the whole highway is mad at young people right now. I hope they arrest you and beat you up, you idiot, and the strange thing about that voice is that none of us had it when we were kids, we were just kids living life having fun. I'm going to be an astronaut, no I'm going to drive an ice cream truck, no I'm going to drive an ice cream truck in outer space and then my dad saw that I was full of hope and joy and he thought, well, that's not going to work. . little fruit, you want to be an astronaut, huh, let's look at the report card and see if that can happen hmm, let's put your grades together in one word, yeah, little spelling tests, what are the words that start with that silly weak failure ?

How about adoptive parents? buy me ice cream drunk and then my whole life my dad was up my ass Little League Tim came in fifth place I should have come first you're too slow, you knocked that team down, you're too fat, you're too skinny, you're too stuck up shut up stop looking at me you're clumsy you're an idiot I was finally 18 and I said dad I'm moving out and I'll never have to listen to your crap again as I knock on the door a little The voice was yes but I'm going with you for the rest of your life and by the way , that was a really nice speech for your dad, but you know you're going to be back next week ordering canned goods and doing your laundry, idiot, so now I have this voice in my hand like I'm in a relationship with these psychopaths and I finally put up with it for years .

Finally they read me. Did you know? Since I met you, you have ruined my life. I'm leaving right now and I never want to. to see you again I knocked on the door little voice because wait a minute if you leave right now you're a bigger loser you'll probably be alone for the rest of your life look at them one last time maybe that's the best thing you've ever done What I'm going to do and I know every time you fight she cuts you up, but hey, at least you have Glee medical care, at least until you get fired, idiot.

I knew things were going wrong. We all have clues that we've had every time our relationship goes bad. hints that there were things like two years before we got divorced, she got a boob job and, gentlemen, if you're dating a woman for five years and she decides she wants a boob job, you're not going to get it, she's He is putting fresh meat. a new hook, that's it, she's looking for 88b, that's right, because you haven't lived up to her financial expectations, so she's going to throw those double D's into the dating pool in the two years before we got divorced, my ex got new hair. eyes, new tits, new lips, I rebuilt this from scratch man it was a frame restoration now some new guys are driving it haha ​​and I want to point something out about the bhujette ladies if they are going to move up for goodness sake I want to be sure, I'm NOT against boob jobs as long as you don't use them for evil, but don't get what you think men want because men don't want bigger to be better, we just don't, we just don't. we got something that fits you don't go crazy my ex went crazy man in my opinion she has boobs four sizes bigger than she should if she was five feet taller than she already is she's five and two , she has breasts that fit.

Shaquille O'Neal had to modify his skeleton to support him. I'm not going to make the stripper association file a complaint. Ladies don't grow too big. No woman should stand up and cause biting wind and California is a no-fault state. splitting the assets in the middle, well, plastic surgery is an asset. I want half of the plastic surgery back and I don't want a cash settlement. I want to leave the court with a jar at that moment. I want her to go like the Elephant Man, just a strand of her hair is missing an eyelid on her upper lip in the Lordship of her, this is outrageous, two other guys saw her.

I found out that yes, one guy was 60 years old, but he had 20 million dollars. Wow, really, ah, I have to admit when I heard 20. million. I thought, wow, good job, great, I'll tell you what buys me a 0-6 Corvette. I'll leave you on Wednesdays, but 60, I mean, I have problems, but 60 60 and how do you stay focused in the bedroom when you're thinking they're going to break their hip, they're going to break their hip, they're going to take it out. I mean, I can see why you know he liked her. I mean, they just had a kid and you know she could. clean up the drool and change the diaper so I get bitter why are we stuck with these life force killer nozzles why we've all done it we've all done it we've all done it for too long except my father my father refused my father got divorced six times well actually divorced five times wouldn't divorce a61 because he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit I don't want people to not take me seriously dad your last marriage was done in Reno by a copycat neat Elvis lesbian that you flirted with and everyone in this room, everyone watching everyone I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex from the beginning and that damage and that cancer that you brought to every relationship after that, to everyone , to all women. here i was bullied by a guy who pushed him a little now your new boyfriend tickles you too hard restraining order all the guys here made a woman sleep with her best friend now your new girl hugs your cousin on thanksgiving too much car bomb time sorry friend.

I have a five second rule and my father was destroyed from the beginning, ma'am, I thought my father didn't take anything from him, that's why I got divorced so many times from woman to woman, nothing, that wouldn't do any good, hey, Kenny, I gained two pounds, really pack your Shit and get your ass out of here right now lard, I lost weight, yeah, well I gained two pounds, pack your shit and get your ass out of here right now, trying to kill me and these women, even if my dad became so strong. that these women would be confused and take their stuff out of the house and half their dad's stuff because California is a no-fault state and they would always tell me the same thing and it ended with "remember I'm a little kid right now I'm like eight years old they made me Wow, why is your dad like that?

Have you met my mom? Because frankly, she's a Batman villain after meeting my mom. I'm surprised my dad didn't just wander around the countryside killing prostitutes. Spoon showed up to my high school graduation in white vinyl thigh-high go-go boots and a military jacket, so obviously something was wrong or she was the commander of the stripper battalion, their entire relationship was built on concrete basis of sex and mental illness that my dad thought it was I asked my dad if she was so crazy why did you stay with her he said son, anyone can be in a relationship, but if you're with a woman who is so crazy in the bed that if you're not wearing your Kevlar one night you may never see the light of day, that's exciting.

My mother shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say, "Hey, you dodged a bullet, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, manic, depressive, schizophrenic, alcoholic, my umbilical cord was a drop crazy, but both my parents were little crazy people just different levels of crazy you know my father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wish list my mother was on probation and lithium when they got married young they also remember my father was onYou make dinner, I'm sure I'm on it, just wash up. car whatever you want clean the bathrooms I'm here you know why because I love you I'm happy and I'm spanked so she asked me to make your bed one night oh my God I make the bed but I make the bed like a damn man makes a bed.

I put her on four feet around. I have a staple gun. Kapow Kapow is me because I only want to do her once every fiscal year, but when you make bets with that kind of experience, you have a tendency to shorten the sheet a little and she's 511, so she couldn't go to bed that night and it went up to her hip and says: I don't understand what you did, my daughter and I was wrapped behind her, how much? your head is right here and I said hey baby calm down I bought you this and I grabbed the sheet and I left and my hand slipped and I punched him in the face.

I don't have words for this. Frankly, I think you've outdone yourself. here my friend, that was extraordinary, you have definitely skipped some levels. I wish I could call everyone else right now and brag about you, you better wake her up, we're fine while she passes out, you might as well grab her blood, okay, yeah, that's it. interesting business right there, okay, that's not the worst story, yeah, you don't know, I'm that guy, dude, this story happened on a very sad day for me. I came in from the backyard after placing a trash can full of white boxers on fire, but the good news is that I'm opening 12 new boxes of underwear and their underwear in their own individual box, not three packages with a band elastic, these are the badass box or the picture of a guy on the front that makes me feel really uncomfortable and I took them out of the box and put them on the door. ting map.

I put it in the drawer. The office. Put it on the door. I put Mike. Lower the last pair. I took it out of the box and put it right on. and she says whoa, aren't you going to wash it first? They will never be this clean again. This underwear is very elegant. Boobs have seams and crap and you know me too well. You know it looks like and those things put on and she could. It's not really to my taste, but she says they said it makes her think I'm sexy and if that makes me look sexy to her, she'd wear any clown wig and wouldn't see boots, yevo, come on, whatever, come on, like that that I have.

He puts them on and they feel weird. I put them on. I'm not used to it and there are a lot of them. They are just weird. You know, I'm not used to it. Just and then I want a sudden start. pulling one of my backup singers but she likes something and I'm going to put up with this, you know, I'm going to be a man and be a cowboy, I got it, okay, okay, and it was strange, go away for a little while you know that it was like it was like a toothache and we would just leave, I would forget about it and I would be on the bench and you would say hey, hey, I'm sure you're okay, yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay.

Well, I'm fine, I'm fine and this goes on all day and I can't figure it out, so I'm going home that night, but I'll write it to you, so go away that night, we'll get better. Baby Jimmy is here, can you look down there because something just got thrown at me? I don't know what it is and my girlfriend has no diplomacy she's going to laugh at you she's not just going to laugh at you she's only going to laugh if she was negotiating for us we She'd be bombarded by Canada because humiliation is her game so look ahead down and says.

Ah, my first thought is that something got inside me and I do what she does. She looks at the man, so he reaches for him and I quickly take my hex. I know. what's going to happen and I hear this noise Shh but she takes her finger away and there's a sticker that says inspected by number 31 which is kind of funny I get it but she can't breathe she's shaking like that and I leave when she says what you had great, I'm NOT, yes, now the good thing about this girl is that I found someone I can laugh with even if we fight, we ended up laughing in my old relationship, that's how that exact story would have ended 31 what if you If you're with that person right now, don't look, but if you weren't the person when you're home after work and you hear their car pull into the driveway the second you hear your anus slam shut involuntarily because you know there will be a fight you don't know why you only know six thirteen if you are sitting in front of the person right now a strange cell phone number appears on you in a number that you don't even know you know that the next five days of You will spend life arguing that you're not going to sleep with T-Mobile if you're sitting next to that person right now.

I want you to get up in about a minute and a half and say, "I have to go to the bathroom." I want you to pick up your stuff, get in your car and drive away, leave it with the check and your furniture and just move on with your life and be happy because you're not getting a refund and if you're sitting there right now, where's the person next door you couldn't get up in a minute and a half they give you a chance tonight you take her home you go for a foot massage you make her a glass of wine your sex I'm like the sex she's never had and you make her breakfast in the morning because you've got some bullshit to make up for now you can watch because I'm the Martin Luther King of love here tonight people because guess what I've found in my ice cream truck every day, whether it's a day in outer space. a dream because I lived a nightmare and you can be happy I tried it because there are three billion men out there there are three billion women out there and if you are bisexual you have no excuse not to be happy thank you people, good night