Christopher Titus • Angry Pursuit of Happiness • Full Special

hearty people Titus hey we are releasing another

special

this week this one is called

angry

pursuit

of

happiness

it has arms for kids please send your misspelled comments to Christopher Titus TV. I can't remember a time when I felt so happy, that means something. about to go terribly wrong Christopher Titus thank you thank you well you know you're here tonight, you think it's because you like to pay to sit in a dark room with a group of people who may or may not smell like they've just been fed food from his homeland, no, we are here tonight because comedy eliminates our desire to kill.

Realize that you don't need a couch after a good day. You know, when you wake up bright-eyed and

full

-tailed in the world, it just feels like a Taylor Swift song and you start your day with that fresh glass of Peas. I expect possibility and a whole lot of confidence hitting and I'm sexy. Okay North, you are welcome lady, you got to work with your first phone call, you bring back 1500 jobs. to the US, a parent company and good jobs, not those Walmart concentration camp jobs, with your second call you accidentally save a Chinese baby who will never have to build iPhones in Beijing again, it's a damn good day , you go home that night, you walk to the front door your children are gone, they're not dead, they're just gone, relax, it's not a good day and you notice a trail of rose petals on the front door to the bedroom and you wish to God your gardener would talk.

English but you walk into that room and the person you've decided to spend your life with is dressed in your favorite sexual fantasy costume Batman Wonder Woman Alan Thicke hobo whatever you want and you have amazing sex you have the kind of sex that sperm says its children and that night you sleep like you've never slept before he's blank a baby who just shot up heroin oh that's a sleeping baby you don't need comedy for that day it's a good day you need comedy for those other days when you wake up you're wet and you think which is why he was dreaming about escaping Mexico and you look over the edge of the bed and notice four inches of water on the floor dripping from the ceiling and you realize you paid $1,200 to the plumber he used for clubs striptease and lottery tickets and the darkness creeps a little deeper into your skull because you know that this house you bought in 2006 before the market crashed is even more underwater and this time it's not a metaphor and you're going to have to use children.

The college fund to pay for the damage is big, so now I'm going to deal with this phrase for the next 15 years, buddy, your house is beautiful, when your son leaves the county and the darkness reaches a little deeper into your skull, So you think, wait. I don't use it on the kids college fund, damn I have life insurance, I'm just going to kill myself, I'm already on antidepressants, you can blame Matt, thanks for wait, wait, wait, wait, why should I kill myself? I'm going to go to Walmart to buy a rifle, then I'm going to go to the mall and play duck, duck and goose, that's what I'm going to do and then you'll realize, wait, I can't do that either because everyone does it to calm you down, stop by for a local tea from Pete's, Seattle's top star, Java dollars, dark roast crack, for your morning cup of control, that's right, I said control because none of us like to pay five dollars for a coffee, but for a second at that counter you can run your life hello, I would like a thin vanilla latte, two extra doses of syrup 190 degrees and so much foam on the top and you hear yourself order, you realize Oh my god, I'm an idiot.

Wow, if only my father had heard me ask that. He hit me in the balls with the business end of an Oldsmobile Delta 88 and the darkness creeps a little deeper into your skull, but then you notice the barista, but first you have to face the fact that you knowingly used out loud the word barista, but he's incredible, he's having six drinks at a time and he does it all in one hand and you say that's what I'm talking about excellence in America, someone who loves his job and does it with style and then you realize that he only has one. hand and wears a little Purple Heart Medal attached to his little corporate cafe visor that they make him wear, yeah.

Shopping says that if you start the day with us you will never drink latte to work again and you vomit a little in the back of your throat when you realize that this man who put everything on the line for this great servant rural, she knows it for minimum wage and the darkness creeps a little deeper into your skull, but then she put your cup of morning sun right in front of you, thank you. man and you take that first perfect life-affirming sip this is a mocha not what he lost you're average you're not paying attention man it's written on the side of the damn watch but you don't say that because then you don't support the troops but guess what I do support the troops, but it's just coffee, how did you dip that in Gomer Pyle and you hear yourself screaming inside your own head and you realize, oh God, I'm the one with PTSD and you?

I know that if you don't get help right away, you'll be on the news tonight with the word used to describe you or distant and lonely, and while you're standing there trying to pull yourself together, the barista will treat you, okay? and you go I just need a and that's why we're here tonight give me a second to recover from the aneurysm I just gave myself and we'll move on from there it's a tough world we're living in right now man. we have schools shootings terrorism Bank of America customer service I'm sorry, I told the guy on the phone I'll talk about you on every show.

I swear to God he will fix it or I talk about you on every show. I haven't solved Iraq and us. "We are fine with Russia now and we are not importing Ebola, what a great time to live. We have a new terrorist shop. Guten. I do terrorists. We do demographic research. You know, terrorists are supposed to terrorize us. They have bombed Boston and New York. Even if you don't terrorize, you can stab someone in New York and they're like, I'm walking. People in Boston beat each other's asses for hockey when they like the same team they bomb.

Terrorists go to Seattle. Lesbians can terrorize Seattle with pepper bread and now they have weird meat and it's not gluten free, get in the supermarket to the kayak and we're out of here Boston, really Boston, the moment the ball manova Boston, everyone in Boston we're going to find out these guys are going to end up bleeding out on a boat and what's their political stance bombing the Boston marathon We'll never let Reebok's oppression covered foot stop us How much can you hate wristbands? The Sox and the Kenyans are black. people who run very fast Santa Barbara Oh, what is this black person talking?

I don't understand terrorizing you, milk, I don't understand the hatred towards America, I don't understand it, how can you spend 30 minutes in our country and be

angry

we have strip clubs and go-kart tracks everywhere sometimes in the same complex because it's difficult find a babysitter we're innovative damn i know why these people are angry i like why terrorists are angry they were born in a horrible sand Indoor nightmare, it's 120 degrees all the time, you know, the best view you can have is an oil rig and a camel ass that's pretty much all you get you know it's summer all the time but you don't see a bikini I mean you have to masturbate for a woman blink fast I get it but why hate on America ?

You know, we love our immigrants who come to our country, enjoy the fruits of this great land and then when you go, guess what, and then when you go home to visit them, you blow something up there, that's where I got angry, you know , you know how amazing our country is, that's how amazing America is, we have people in this country right now who should be terrorists and aren't, if a bomb went off tomorrow and the Cherokee Nation took responsibility, we would all be fine . yeah, okay, sure, yeah, UNC Edison Cooper, the FBI has determined that it was definitely the Cherokee Nation that committed this heinous and brutal act.

The FBI has responded with this statement. We're fine, frankly, we're surprised it took so long. We knew the casinos. It wouldn't be enough and I'm really tired of hearing about terrorism because you know it's pretty bad, but we hear about it all the time and a while ago I got scared and thought, well, how much terrorism is there really? pressure cooker bomb making website they're already talking about, you know, to see how many people had hit it and I'm sure I won't have any problems getting on a plane for the next two years. I wasn't thinking, but I'm going to be the TSA guy.

I was trying to write some papers. I entered the website 33 s more Q. Thousands of people had to access the pressure cooker bomb manufacturing website, that's a lot of terrorism, right? and I got scared, so I went. the kitten plays with thread six point two million views yes, we are a furry creature that loves people I will tell you what six point two million cats are compared to thirty thousand terrorists any day of the week yes, you gather all the terrorists Yellows in the stadium we are thirty thousand strong we are going to destroy this imperialist nation oh no, aren't you, son of a bitch?

See it better be goulash in that pot or me and Captain Jack Sparrow Eater will be up your ass? It's a lot of fun to do, but there's bad news, it's bad news all the time and I started to think, well, there has to be a good announcer, good news and there's good news, everyone takes a deep breath, hey, the rule also has that smell of a new Pope? It's not that nice God, I hate the smell of the old Pope, the next one is one of your friends who is cooking up something strange to say, I just came in and it smells like the old Pope, here they are going to say what, keep it up.

Oh Dad, you don't. You don't smell that air, you're probably used to it and then you never mention it again and what a strange job the Pope is, one day you're just a little priest in a little parish, the next day you're in charge of 2 billion people they believe anything you tell them they have to do it you are the Pope you are infallible you are connected to God they have to believe you that's why I think we need a joker Pope someone who can use that power to have fun just leave at Easter okay guys starting from now Wednesday, no pants day, sorry, it's not me, it's him, I didn't say that, don't be mad at the guy with the giant head and that's another question where every Pope gets a new Pope.

Or do they pass the old one around like the Stanley Cup and that's why it's so big because it's encased in bronze plates of all the old Popes which makes it very heavy which is why about 8 years into each Pope's reign do they all start to curve? Why does every Pope eventually become an Osterfeld Pope? They'll turn into a giant potato shrimp in no time. Oh come on, some of those Popes stayed too long. Pope John Paul. In the end, in the end, they had him dazzled. Scoundrel, they would just send him in at Easter and he was just grunting in Latin for about 30 seconds at another Sunderland under ND.

I think God is taking this Pope off the VIP list, that's what I think and I can't believe the Nazi Pope did it. I don't know that you could give up the Pope. I think we need a note from Jesus. Please excuse Pope Adolphus. He has decided to go another way. Why do you resign? Resignations from the Pope. Why do you live in a golden palace in the Vatican? You have your own city. The Vatican banks have a trillion dollars. In it you're driving in a bad bubble car, oh that thing is blessed and furious, why do you leave it?

You wake up one day, Grumpy Dad, yeah, I'm done doing this crap all the time, what's with carpal tunnel people? kissing my ring I have OCD it's so disgusting it's hard for a Papa Papa, it's not easy, okay, okay. Wow, yeah, do you think it ever gets cocky because we all get cocky, everyone's wearing glasses right now, man, that wasn't the first pair. you grabbed that one wasn't you you put on one pair after another to make you like it Oh even I want to do it with these we all get arrogant in the bathroom mirrors alone we are all more goods yes oh we owe you we are men we all read Pope Scott feels So, well, he has to become arrogant, he is a human being, right, every time you get out of the shower you realize who you are looking at in the mirror.

Dad, oh, I like it. John T. I'm going to get a tattoo, life of the Pope. I'll tell you what happens with the Pope. He would be very arrogant. You know why I'm in charge of Armageddon. That is our religion. McGinnis since the beginning of time. Armageddon is coming. The end of the world is upon us. You better prepare for Judgment Day. Armageddon is coming and if you are not good you will go to the bad place with the burning fire and the frozen toilet seats. Personal hell. Armageddon has come and they have been talking about it since the beginning of time.

Well, I say, bring it. because some of us have to go do you know how I missed that more than anyone else right now the Mayans? Sorry, the world was supposed to end on December 21, 2012. I didn't buy him giftsChristmas to anyone. I look like an idiot, you know? How much dry food do I have now? I have four months worth of dry food for three people and you can't just snack on it and during the playoffs is where Armageddon happens and you ruined the box so let me get to the end after Armageddon. You have to eat one of the children and which child do you eat the big one that feeds the most people in order?

Who makes a better sauce? What do they do? Aren't you the preparers if you haven't decided which child you're going to eat first? After Armageddon you couldn't call yourself a coach. I spray painted mine, one and two boys, what are you guys doing playing soccer in the backyard? Come in here, play video games, don't be difficult, so because the Mayans ruined it because how could a 5,000-year-old dead society in which we are loincloths and threw teenagers into volcanoes possibly have missed the date of Armageddon I think we need legislate the day of Armageddon here is my proposal for the next seven years five days a month we have the day of Armageddon without rules of any kind total anarchy like when Detroit wins a championship only bullets and fire and the people who don't have their heads spinning and Those who aren't paying attention will be eliminated too, so who?

I think the first group should eliminate one Armageddon Day level person, anyone who wears pajamas in public. That's not the real problem with you wearing pajamas, but you made that decision. You'll kill us all at Armageddon if you don't have the balls to wear SpongeBob flannel pajamas to the mall. You have to get on the wood chipper yourself you're not helping the level 2 person unless you're 95 anyone who can't turn left across three lanes of traffic unless there's a light year between them and the approaching vehicle now, on the day of Armageddon, the guy behind it was totally within their legal rights to pull out a double-barreled Mossberg and vaporize that guy's head, then the torso would fall forward into the car, it would clear the intersection and productivity would increase three point seven percent level three person this when I piss you off Santa Barbara and they only give them level three status because of their cardiovascular fitness cyclists who think they deserve an entire lane of traffic now you really really need a hole in the bicycle that's why you're obviously an alcoholic but it's the law but it's the law but it's a law that changes it's a law yes, well the laws of physics say something different and I think that supersedes the law of man and I know I'm being an idiot right now.

I understand because I don't think he will last long in Armageddon. I'd get to maybe level five and then you guys would just turn around when you leave, you know what Titus is all you do and I'd be so happy I'm at level seven, level eight, muscle guys, your big muscle , They can do it. If you bench press twice your body weight, you'll get to level seven easily because we'll need you after Armageddon to hold things up, so why get tired? Nail it and, if you're a muscular guy with a PhD, you'll last until the end. but if you're a muscular guy, that's all you have, you know the guy at the gym who can curl 85 pound dumbbells 15 times but then for some reason on the last rep he feels the need to throw them on the floor, getting very scared. of everyone and then he says: Did you just have a stroke?

It will simply happen that your nervous system collapses on itself. Same guy gets instant Alzheimer's and just stays away from weights. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Colton, come here, look. These things on the side of the weights are called numbers and they match the numbers on that shelf and if you can't figure it out, maybe you can spray paint ducks and bunnies and you can match the animal that you should just be able to lift. a weight you can count and friend, I love the dragon tattoo. I guess we don't feel it on the inside, you have to paint it on the outside.

I know it's an expensive joke to many people in California, it's a Bengal. tiger bill is my spirit animal and if you've ever said the words it's my spirit animal you're a major asshole and a level one unless you're Cherokee and then I'm okay I'm saying we need to tune in people currently right now we're the softest, fattest, most self-centered beings on the planet and those are the people I like, we are drug addicts and consume pornography, air bags and bubbles, overfed but malnourished on antipsychotics, but even crazier than Gary Busey on salts bathroom. Florida, everyone has an allergy, an ailment, a syndrome or a word that you can't use at work, we are narcissistic and tripolar, now tripolar, that is, we have two voices in your head arguing about who they think you are.

They are and they make medicine for it but it hurts your liver, I'm sorry it's a side effect we need a tune up we need a tune up man and I know I'm making fun of us right now. I am not joking. of human beings right now you know because we are in a bad place, but on the other side of us it is amazing the things that have occurred to us, we are incredible, we are the baddest species that has ever walked on this planet, man , that's why We are the apex predator, oh my god, we survived the Ice Age because we used our big brains and invented hot chocolate.

I'm not a scientist when the Black Death came back to wipe us out. I'm not talking about civil rights, which I am. We're talking about the plague that devastated Europe and I'm not talking about the French I'm talking about, but we got smart, we started coughing up the leaves of the North, we stopped wiping snot on our friends, we stopped making cheeseburgers from among the dead. you are the only animal that thinks about the future no other animal thinks about the future we are the only animal that thinks about the future that's that that's what we invented vaccines no other animal came up with vaccines you don't see dogs eat together guys, this parvo thing is really getting us all excited kicking a bone for a research grant.

I think it will be great. You know, maybe we can make some more money selling t-shirts. I know we all hate wearing t-shirts and these vaccines are amazing we have eradicated horrible diseases what these vaccines guarantee these vaccines may or may not cause autism but you have to break some eggs we invented airplanes that is metal that is a lie and those claims get where they go most of the time If they stay out of Russian airspace, okay, I've got another one, those plates get rid of them, they'll be gone most of the time if we can locate them.

Yes, you realize we forgot about 300 people who sank in the ocean. Yes, we looked for it for three months, but the NFL starts a new season, we have to move on, I'm sorry, we try, we try, we are amazing and what bothers me about us right now is that we are all so smart. However, we are waiting for other people to invent them for us to buy, that's what bothers me the most, and we are all smart enough to invent it. You know, we even forget about the cool things we already have, cars, cars are the coolest thing. in the world and they only kill 40,000 people a year in the country of 400 million.

I'll roll those dice currently. I'm more afraid of the safety devices in my car. My new car has 11 airbags around me. I'm afraid I'm getting into a serious accident sometime I'll burst it once and I'm going to suffocate oh my God your strongest died in a horrible car accident what happened to him nothing not even a mark on him the new Mercedes s class will drive only until 31 miles per hour hour how cool will that be when you're drunk leaving the club you could sleep through a two hour slow speed police chase the cops finally stop the car knock knock knock oh it wasn't me the car is german it's very arrogant we are so smart we are such an amazing species we take things we don't need we think at the atomic level we invented the atomic bomb a horrible device but it stopped world war 2 and inspired the japanese to destroy our economy and our culture by inventing the playstation we are amazing people we are amazing the things they invented us just to create we are amazing that's where the apex predator and the best of all is they kill us easily we invented all these cool things that were killed so easily that's crazy don't think they killed us easily , okay, have too many tequilas tonight, you'll high-five Jesus in the morning and that's plant-based, bang your head.

That little guy with the weak spot right there with 40 pounds of pressure is you muscle boys who are mad at the Joker, you can't kill me on the human specimen, bring it on, all I have to do is let some fresh poop hit with a sharp stick. You're really tough two days after Christopher Titus died budget killer it's amazing to me that my dogs can eat a pound of cat poop and be fine, but if they want to show me their fecal delicacy by licking my face twice the next day, I mean. I see you having lunch through a tube we saved our asses because we always think about the future man what's coming to get us man how do we save ourselves what do I have to do next man my dogs have no future all life happens right here whatever that they have in front of them, that's it, man, he put a piece of chicken in front of my dog, that's it, his life is over for today, chicken is the best thing in the world.

I could take that away from him for the ball. Rex himself and every time it's amazing to see him put a piece of chicken in front of us, chicken man, I hope they cooked it long enough, there's no Salmonella in that chicken, I mean, with those black spots, it's that salmonella, because I hear about it all the time. time in the news about spinach about lettuce about chicken I wanted to kill a chicken Nilla that makes more sense to me doesn't it and what is someone? Oh, I vomit and defecate so I can't drive to the hospital and if that's the case, Obamacare even covers an ambulance, right, I don't know, no, you know, I tried to go on the website and choose a plan that I couldn't understand. .

My wife did, but she just threw the dart at her, God, I hope the kids are covered. I did not do it. I don't even think about it, oh my god and my little one, when she always says oh, he's so creative. I don't think he's a creative man. I take him to school and he stares at the sun the entire way. I think he's an idiot. I'm not. Saving for college he's going to buy a ski boat, screw that kid, we're not going to do this and then the people you're having dinner with leave, buddy, can you eat the chicken?

I forgot a chicken head, what's coming, what's coming to kill us. and how we stop it, what's coming to kill us and how we stop it, and then once we prove with billions of research that something is definitely going to kill us, we'll stop giving a damn. An example of this is that the cigarette says it well. in pac-man cigarettes kill everyone the government knows that the government cigarettes kill we listen to what we do put a label on it good idea yes, I guess it's on you now it says that on the package this kills your ass dead you 1111 years younger which you all know, I know, I read it, I'm not an idiot, look around, I shouldn't be here that long anyway, too many levels, nice pajamas, idiot, Wow, always thinking about the man, currently prescribed medications They kill more people than car accidents.

I know, it's horrible. People don't know how to dose, it's one pill for every two beers, yeah, don't go with me on that. I'm not doctor. I know Philip Seymour Hoffman makes a mistake and I have to make a disclaimer at every show. 50 bags. of heroin, didn't you think that could go badly for him because your judgment is always so good after that first bag of heroin? Well, I'm

full

of heroin right now. I couldn't take another ounce of heroin if I wanted to. I'm going to put these 49 bags of heroin aside for later because I'm wondering if I was going to Costco.

I mean, was she a Kirkland heroine? That joke is for members only. Now I understand how atrocious that stuff is. I know and when. I once wrote something really atrocious. I want to do some research on it because although I want to be precise, I found out that 10 bags of heroin are called a bindle and 50 bags of heroin are called a brick, and here's a tip for everyone: if you buy anything in brick shape except bricks , cheese, heroin, cigarettes, dildos, it will kill you. I don't know where you get a brick of dildos at Costco, they probably demonstrated it on our cell phones if you hold them to your head.

Right against your head, you leave twenty millimeters, but if you hold it against your head it will eventually cause brain damage because it's microwaves hitting your head, dude, you hear the community saying that cell phones cause brain death, I don't see if that's right, no, do not go. do it it's called we keep talking I want to warm my head hey we'll time how long the popcorn takes in my hat you know man worst nuke everinvented they know that it vaporizes everything when it explodes at least waste for a thousand years. I know we have to keep doing them, although why not?

Because we may want to destroy everything and ruin it for a thousand years because that will appear now, so it didn't surprise me at all. After Newtown Aurora, here we are all these shootings where we can't come up with a new gun law, not even a good one or like, hey, if you have more voices in your head than bullets in the magazine, there are no guns for you and for me. I want to talk to you gun people right now and I know you're here because I just heard your anus is squeaking. I want you to know that I am not against guns.

I'm definitely anti-idiot and currently, the NRA is shooting. the idiot train through numbnuts Ville, my god, I've never seen a crazier lobbying organization in my life, they used to clean this up, you know, these kids shows, guys, they taught them gun safety, that's what Whatever you do, you could trip over a weapon. Since they have sold so many, they could be left lying around, they would increase their limits so hunters could shoot more, that is what the NRA should do. Now to be clear, they sell guns, that's all and I wish they had the guts to come out. and say what they mean because it's crazy that things are less comfortable just come out and say it just cross your mind oh by the way we could stop school shootings if we got rid of the kids and the house would pass in that instant no more kids we are outlawed up there, well we saved 38 billion dollars from the education budget, yeah the black guy didn't do that.

Now I want you to know that my children go to a Christian school because I believe that every child needs a foundation. knowledge in illusion and there is no Harry Potter school, there is no Lord of the Ring school. I will send my son to a Star Wars school in a second are you kidding me? faith strength same different helmet and don't get me wrong I'm not anti religion up really you're good for you whatever works for you you know I'm a bit anti atheist, how can those people be so angry for not believing in anything?

Do you ever get an atheist man fired and start going? I can't believe in a guy, this guy, an angel and a Santa Claus, and I wish it wasn't, hey, me. I also believe in anger management, zero, I act like a jihad atheist right now and it scares me that you don't understand the irony. Listen, I've read the Bible twice in my life, you know, and there are some good rules in the Bible. reading the Bible has a good rule if I live my life like this my life would be better and then you turn the page that didn't happen but then you turn the page again love your neighbor like I love myself Wow if we all did that live in a utopia unimaginable and then you said the page Oh Leviticus you kill me listen to what you believe okay it's none of my business what you believe is to find Christian Muslim Buddhist Scientologists really what you believe listen if what you believe stops you from stabbing or shooting me in the ATM automatic God bless us all my children go to a Christian school Cazale a public school sucks ass some of the elementary schools have metal detectors there is actually a circular console baccala there is actually a website you can go to in the county from Los Angeles that doesn't I don't tell you the educational statistics of your school, it tells you the crime statistics of your school.

Uh-huh, my daughter was four years old, we're taking her to kindergarten at a school that's close to the street, a stone's throw from the house, and that's probably why I made the crime report that year, I was checking to see if it was a actual unit of measurement, so we were joking a little about what a crime a little click from the school could have committed, we went on the website the year before at the school down the street in a decent neighborhood one of the teachers at Kindergarten had been stabbed by one of her students we used to eat pasta and that was the rebellious kid Steve he's crazy man when did they start having gym classes?

What happened? How did that happen? the children come down at recess her boys continue playing for the team nothing has happened she listens after recess we go in we put the letters on the lines the way she wants us to do we share a juice box we make a hand turkey and then we kill them all okay, yeah maybe put a smiley face on my paper next time, hey, who doesn't try hard? Now everyone naps, so my kids go to this little Christian school and in Burbank it's nice that there's no school. You know, the key is that it's not even a big deal. building the fifties to keep updating it and before Newtown they were used to open this big giant door and you sent your children.

I love you too I love you dad, then Newtown happened and the school went crazy, it was security, well actually they went home. Depot with Security I'm not making this up right after Newton, they are at Home Depot and they bought 10 of these 8 foot long 6 foot tall galvanized aluminum doors that are actually not approved by Israeli security, they are the type of doors. you buy it if you're a labradoodle, it's concise and they put them around all the entrances, but they didn't screw them to anything, they leaned them against each other, zip tied the edges and threw sandbags at them.

It's basically bail for mass murdering cats. now why you can just kick them is that the lockdown drill at my kids school is fine kids if anyone hears an awkward clang there's a guy in front of the school named Damien if you have a little kid you know they had this receiver. and basically stands at the school door at the end of the day so that your children don't leave without you coming back in your mom takes your

titus

you have your two children which one are you going to eat first I saw your sample a good job that one it's Damon that's Damien Damien is a man who has to wear shorts and a Battlestar Gallactica t-shirt then Newtown happened and Damien won't be enough anymore actually Damien's clothes won't be enough now after Newtown, same guy without training , but now he has to wear dark blue Dickies uniform pants, which I hear scare the hell out of mass murderers.

Oh, they hated the Navy! well uniformed victim in front of the school they said all the parents go everywhere before Newtown we would go anyway we can go eat and go to the basketball court you are going to walk to the track you are going to the volleyball courts whatever you want to do Could you be free and, in fact, if someone had come in like you did in Newtown in the morning, some parents would have been there, we could have grabbed a couple of kids, we could have run away and they wanted to kill everyone, then Newtown happened and The doors on that big 20 foot gate were closed and now we were all forced to go through this little four foot wide gate, then through a 60 foot trough and then we had to turn right and stand against the fence in a 40 by 40 square foot area that I call the kill zone.

I went to the director. I was. Did they hire a mass murderer? A consultant to get him in. She didn't laugh at all, not even a giggle, but that's how she felt. She hits the void like you. I just want to kill more people faster. Well, I was involved in Columbine, let's do this. Well, first of all, do you see these doors? Don't close them. Do you know how difficult ascending offense is when you're holding an automatic weapon? It's fucking impossible. I took a look at this guy in front of the school, David Damien, whatever his name is, I put a uniform on him, I painted a target on him, or we'll kill him first, now all these parents are running around anyway, you know, I don't.

Don't use that word Lucy we're going to use one bullet per father that's just a waste of ammo this is what I want you to do add them so we can spray a bunch of ammo once and have them do it for about 60 feet Then the stragglers make you stand against the fence in a square like Jews waiting for a van. Is it okay for you to laugh freely at that last joke and even applaud and understand that last joke in the context in which it was told? now they're at level 9 for those of you who need a jolt, you didn't hear the joke, your juice box, PC style, level levels, there's more show, you can even get it back, but right now, the NRA came out and said, It's okay, you know.

It needs to be done, we need to have armed guards at the school. Good idea, more adults with guns around kids. Perfect, yes, because security guards are always so well balanced, right? I was almost a policeman, almost a policeman, I was almost a policeman. Hey Simmerman, are you okay, yeah, I was almost a cop, almost almost a cop, they said okay, that's a little expensive. There are too many guards at school. I know I will. In fact, they gave us a news story. We need to arm teachers. Let me be very. Of course about this, if any of my teachers had been up in arms, there would be no show tonight, are you serious?

You know what your children do to anyone who has spent 7 to 8 hours a day with their children. Murders and suicides would skyrocket. Just a poor teacher. and Alabama gets its standardized test results back, oh my God, I've been teaching these idiots for nine months that it was okay to laugh, right? That it was okay, teacher, to blow your head off, a funny thing that happened in 1939. , not so. funny, okay, but I'll tell you what could fix every problem currently plaguing this amazing country right now. I really could and you know, it's not the armed guards at our school that's stupid and it's not arming our teachers that's just stupid.

We would solve all the problems with America if we just armed the kids, I love people to get excited in the second about God-given right, God-given right, no. Moses chilled on the stone that was the eleventh commandment and then came down from the mountain he threw. the calf and it broke so Jesus and Thomas Jefferson had to rewrite it that's what happened and then Gandhi put a sandwich and then Martin Luther King marched and about three times you can't right change the Second Amendment for those of you who I think I have bad news The Constitution has been changed 27 times shut up comedian shut up stop talking uh-uh-uh First Amendment yeah, don't just quote the sexy amendments, two words have never been put together and I'll be honest with you, I'll give you a chance, how many people here I believe they are fully capable and fully qualified to own a gun.

First of all, anyone who goes doesn't get a gun, sorry, yells in public, overreacts. you're easy to lead you can't have a gun you're a psychopath people who applaud calmly you seem okay you can have a gun if you have a confederate flag sticker anywhere on your truck no guns for you sorry that was an organization terrorist who was trying to divide our great country in two. You could also have Al Qaeda on the other side and Isis on your traffic. Travis Tritt. I'll fix that joke in the second show. Shut up and that's how I honestly believed.

On the whole gun thing, I think if you reach the age of 30 you should be instantly banned from owning a gun and here's why if you reach the age of 30 you have some damage, you know what psychotic rage is, you've had your brain broken. heart repeatedly sometimes, by the same person as you, idiot, they ruined him at work, they stole money from you, you know, he got an investment, one of your brothers and he got his money back, but you didn't do it because you were of level two, whatever that means Bank of America. customer service at any time any of us over 30 could snap like a twig, but kids don't have that problem, they're just kids, they do what they're told, they probably hate wearing them if I don't wake them up.

Other guys, when they go get your backpack first, go home and grab your Glock, we gotta move, come on, come on, I don't want to use my Glock, hey, hey, the 28th amendment poured on your damn gun, no, no , the Hello Kitty case you look like. an idiot, there you go, problem solved, you know, training how to use their weapons, they're in class with their perfect weapons, no problem, so if a 22 year old psycho breaks into the school, you know, boy, I'm talking about a boy who grew up on television. and video games and decides to live his life by the rules of the boy from the kingdom of Mordor whose parents beat him because you know that punishing him or hugging him enough depends on a diet of Ritalin Prozac and Cheetos, so not only is his brain fried but also his The nutrition level is very low and he takes a shit in a fortnight, but I know it's at least four days and that kid broke into your kids' school, you know, carrying a Bushmaster that his dad bought at Walmart but didn't put away. under lock and key, he thought.

It's just a semi-automatic weapon well, it's good that it happens and he kicks open the door to your children's classroom he starts talking like friends of Satan to take their souls the children could very calmly but then the number two pencils and They take out their 9 millimeters I'm a little teapot In short, there are no more crazy shootings, no people are hurt and all we had to do was arm the kids. You know, it's a very nice phrase. He said that with me once at three, one, two, three, but I said I would fix everything. I'm going to fix theeducation we all agree there are good and bad teachers right we have to get rid of the bad teachers we all agree on that we said okay let's test all the teachers well the teachers union held oh no , no, no, I can't evaluate teachers, it's not a good measure of performance, even teachers complained, someone remind them what we do, please, okay, we don't need to do tests, teachers will disarm to the children and you will know who the bad teachers are.

Mrs. Cooper is leaking wrong. Teacher, she will also change the dynamics of the parent-teacher conference quite a bit. Oh, do you ever get a little involved in a parent-teacher conference when they're screwing up? Don't you feel like an idiot? Michael doesn't do well in math. Oh, even my sperm. It's stupid. I have to stop watching porn and drinking. I suck as a parent, but if we arm the kids that changes 180 degrees. Michael doesn't do very well in math, that's a bummer because I bought him a desert eagle for Christmas, so you better figure out how. to unlock their learning potential or the spring semester will be a I'll see you in a couple of months I hope there you go, education fixes that all we had to do is arm the kids, repeat it one, two, three, now I'm going to Stop Bullying Because Bullying is Bad Bullying is the scourge of America.

Spend thirty million dollars nationwide on anti-bullying programs. You want to guarantee that your son will get his ass kicked. Get him involved in an anti-bullying program, if that was happening when I was. At school I would have found those kids and beat them up just to be ironically funny, not just to make the point that government intervention doesn't always work, this is extra credit for history class, but if we arm the kids , the bullying stops, just level the game. field hey give me the lunch money yeah that's what I thought you'd say now maybe you should think twice before barging into the Chess Club like that no more bullies and all we had to do is arm the kids to say it right new I want to drink now I'm going to save this country 200 billion dollars, you're welcome child abuse, horrible situation right now, man, we spend all this money, child protective services, social services, we subsidize foster care, we build homes for abused children, it's a bad situation, but if we arm the children, the child abuse is over and the parental abuse begins, damn it Brian, this is the second time you spilled milk on my dinner today, let's have this on my house, I'm going to take this belt and give you a piece of paper. towel because I'm your dad I love you Brian you said you wanted me a cowboy cowboy those that his dad is in the bag, child abuse is over and all we had to do is arm the kids, what do we do now?

Let's help the law enforcement cops have a tough job, the toughest workshop, imagine all the crime the cops have to face, on top of that they have cha militias and pedophiles, and that's strange because it happened at doorstep closed, that guy is from the west town, he's cool, now have three officers interview the guy, get him to admit it or yes, or even find out, but we'll never know, the interview, the kid is a lion and then you. The boys know that if someone is convicted of pedophilia, child abuse, they go to prison but they go to solitary confinement, which costs us an additional thirty-five thousand dollars per prisoner per year from our taxes, but if we arm the children we will never have than tracking down a pedophile again we'll just run into them like damn Chuck we got another one no just take the van yeah we got room just move the Boy Scout leaders to the side there you go , no more pedophiles and all we had to do is arm each other.

What do we do? Do you see how Hitler started? You see? You see? They were shouting and armed the children. It was a social experiment and you failed miserably. You're all level again. Now I'm amazed at how brilliant we are individually. us, but you put us in a group, we will follow any silly idea, as long as it is well presented. God will go to war. Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Oh Mitchell, I didn't have sex with that little whiskey woman. Oh, the kids and Max. it will bring us ten million jobs it will hurt the kids you can keep your health care plan if you want to arm the kids don't clap just for that we need something to believe in humans are amazing to me because we need something we can't just live in the minute we can't need something believe in something support something to survive and right now we are so safe in America that we had to invent things to survive do you understand how safe we ​​really are in America? that we invent things to be afraid of 9/11 conspiracy toll conspiracy brother talk is aliens piercing fluoride do you know how safe we ​​are? that a guy was brushing his teeth one morning it was like, oh hell, trying to kill us, he's in the water.

You also know they say in Africa there are water conspiracies. I used to be a big conspiracy guy. I was awake until someone said Newtown was a false flag event and I said, “Okay, new trader.” I'm no longer my all-time favorite conspiracy in the gun. conspiracy, that's my favorite, yes, yes, the black socialist presidents of Kenya are going to take away our guns, but before that, it was a redneck from Crawford who was going to take away our guns before it was that fat guy who's getting laid oral in the Oval Office, don't take ours away from us. guards away for you people who really believe the government will come for your guns.

I'm going to make you feel much better in three easy steps. They are ready? Step number one, the government can't take away their guns because they have guns they can use. your weapon to defend your weapon step 2 now step 2 is a little scary step 2 is where the kazoo conspiracy began and when the second of the men was written we had muskets in the government we had muskets in fact the government was in so many problems, boys, oh We have to go to war like the British. Could you bring your muskets? We'll give them matching hats, which is all I remember from history class, but now, as American citizens, we can legally own Bushmaster semi-automatic weapons with sixties and hundred. round chargers my penis doesn't feel as small as it used to oh it's like a Camaro I can hold but don't forget the government doesn't have bushmasters the government has the fat look helicopters need stealth bombers and F-22 Raptors and missile launches a grenade launcher and surface-to-air missiles and drones on a bullet they write your name follow you home and a satellite with a laser that will give you a proctology exam from space in your kitchen if you want tactical nuclear weapons and oops nuclear weapons just in case maybe it doesn't turn out the way they want, yeah, well, I don't care about gum and bring it, you have this gun when you take it out of my cold, dead hands, okay, holy hell, they vaporized ringing, hey, nothing.

It remains, but there is a burned copy of the Constitution, you can still read the Second Amendment, oh, because he is protecting it with his cold dead hands. Step two and step two, so you know it scares me too. Step two is pretty scary, but to get to step two, we have to go through step three, which is getting all the states to agree to take away our guns, and Texas doesn't agree. Texas is the only state I've seen that will vote against its own interests because Connecticut likes something, wait, wait. about them homosexuals are doing well, we are not, but let's say it happened because of some strange act in which all the states agreed to take away our weapons, then they would have to convince the military, who are our sons and daughters, aunts Guys, brothers and sisters, let our families go from house to house and take the guns of 400 million Americans and that would take a lot of organization and our government can't create a website, enjoy your guns, have fun, they won't take them away .

I never understood the guy with the 30 guns. You know, because even if you use "Scarface" you can only use two clicks, give me a second. I have a gun and if I ever have to shoot another human being, BAM and that person doesn't instantly turn around and start running the other way. I have made an error in judgment but we need it we need something to survive nothing is coming to get you wait but we need it we need something to survive to get through this life you know something to believe in something to go after something to fight for says it right and the right thing in the Declaration of Independence life liberty and the

pursuit

of

happiness

doesn't say just be happy it says pursue it you find out where happiness lives and you rent an apartment across the street and you watch that happiness every day where it does what it does, You write down what time he leaves and then one day when they're not looking at you, you step forward and let your guard down and then you quickly move out of town so you can seek more happiness, what does that mean in America? chasing happiness I want a bigger and better I want a shiny winner a new one I want a house in Santa Barbara that's right that's it bigger and better I want a bigger car and a smaller girlfriend are you women I want to kill your car and one more boyfriend big I want to pay off my debt so they can raise my limit and then I could put a down payment on a facelift so when I'm 70 I look like I'm 70 with a facelift because I find Bruce Jenner attractive.

What happened there was on TV one day and I thought, Oh my God, I used to eat Wheaties out of that guy box. I know I have to rewrite that joke because in a couple of proceedings it will mean something completely different, don't you want to? A better one, don't you want a bigger one? Don't you want a shiny one? Don't you want a newer one? Of course we do, man in America. Hell yeah, you guys understand we're just a bunch of donuts. run well, don't use one, a bigger and better donut, the donut you're driving right now is kind of outdated.

I can use one with a little more glaze, now I need to make the 2015 donuts that are coming out, wow, from a donor and Apple just sold 20 million bigger and better donuts. Did your old life suck? Did it run on steam on kerosene? He held on. I am going to buy a car. I can't wait for all seven to come out bigger. Better donuts. Man. I thought we want. The man has to have more. take more because everyone knows they are going to win this life, no one thinks about it, we all know we are going to win, deep down, everyone in this room knows they are Highlanders, there can only be one and it will be me, fry it more broccoli.

No one takes many supplements I hydrate like Zumba twice a day my butt should be the highest and I will be the last hence the name Highlander but you wonder what life will be like for all of us with very few exceptions actually no exceptions when you are born , you go through a hole this size, you are colored and misshapen, you look like a highway safety cone that was hit by a drunk driver now you are on the planet ready to chase happiness, yes, except for one. two five you don't get any happiness you're sitting in your own poop half the time you're throwing up on yourself and your muscles don't respond to anything you want you can't communicate but everything bothers you not to penis five to ten you're just a mobile idiot now how you feel the cart it's that electricity I'm going to chase my ball into the street come here Rottweiler and everyone around you is shouting at you, put it on the ground, go take that one any mouse you won't shut up I'll kill you there is no happiness 10 to 15 you start to mutate here it starts to protrude from your bulge it starts to form in women and they start bleeding for no reason and then pus starts coming out of your face It looks like you've been old all the time You're hornier than ever but uglier than you you will never be There is no happiness 15 to 18 You are a brilliant mum and dad were dead I could live in their house and use their bank account of course, so if you had a good upbringing at 18 they kicked you out on your own.

Yes, just me, 18, ready to pursue happiness and freedom. Except at 18 you don't get any happiness, you start to become a great adult. mistakes, yes, they suspended my license, but that doesn't mean I can't drive, yeah, hello, yeah, I just talked to my officer, hello, yeah, my review yesterday I don't know, listen, I'm talking to my officer, I was texting now. I'm backwards, hello, do you really need a ride to plan? Fatherhood, look at the people who don't laugh at that. an adult and you're paying your bills every month, you're late every month but you're paying your bills and no matter what they say about you, you can always go, yeah, bite me, I own that futon and those seven mismatched forks that I stole from my parents' house for seven Thanksgivings, they're about 25, you meet someone to pursue happiness with and this person is perfect, except for other problems, Jesus Christ, but you have sex pretty regularly. and you sleep eight hours a night, which is a third of the time you're not fighting, so it's good and you're actually happy from 25 to26 and a half and then someone comes in and says the stick is pink and you used all your Planned Parenthood coupons years before, so now you have your own little highway safety code, yeah, and a little nuclear anxiety that everyone humans have and no other animal has, think about the future and just start accelerating.

Fukushima level you start going I have to get a better job I need to get another car I remember the money How do I get into a car? I see if any children are born during the first five years. All you're thinking is don't let him die. don't let him die don't let him die now you're 30 years old eight is five and from five to ten you can't believe this stupid thing you two created, call his parents, set him on fire three different ways and all you hear is laughter now you have 35 is 10 and from 10 to 15 this thing to which you have given all your love to which you have given all your energy to which you gave money time and the slaves are this thing to which you put food in its belly and clothes on his back every day he walked the earth now it's your insides hey mom dad bites the man and now you're thinking that's it I can't kill him he's 15 years old everyone knows it now you're four years old and we don't throw children out anymore at 18 oh no oh no, they need to stay home polish their participation trophies until they find themselves I mean, maybe go to college, you know, they're 19 for like six months Bennet comes home mom died I was in philosophy class and I heard this great quote, do you find something you love to do?

You'll never work a day in your life so that's what I decided to do and now he lives with you eating your food you're paying his bills but he thinks he works eight to six he thinks he's an adult you're coming on vacation your car is totaled oh my god yes, if someone had also taught me how to drive better maybe that would have happened you live here one day with the checkbook it's $400 late, oh my gosh yes, someone left their pin code, it's a cheap lesson, nothing, so it's finally nineteen, you've had enough, you got into a fist fight and this idiot you raised files a restraining order against you, which the judge grants and then holds you. go for 18 you have to move out of your parents house at least five hundred feet under your own restraining order and you're not exactly happy but you laugh out loud for nine days now you're 45 and you realize you haven't been happy for the last 20 years of my life, then you sit down at someone's table and realize that it's your damn fault that the divorce lasted from 46 to 51 now that you've been on the planet for half a century and exactly half of what you earned in your life and half of your half would go to your divorce lawyer and you're left with this little chip, you say damn it, I'm leaving and you buy a Harley on Craigslist and the first day on the bike is the best day of your life .

Start the engine now. Hey, arrive in town feeling like a badass after that first day of happiness. You see a reflection in a store window and you realize, oh God, I look like Dr. Phil in a rag, but you don't care because you were happy the second time you drove down the road and you looked over there, there was a 17 year old girl and herself from the previous joke driving with her knee and texting and you. realize silence and I'm going to die on this thing you park it that night never write it again but you don't sell it because boy or girl you took someone on a Harley they'll get sexy and that's all you want now please put your51 I can't go hang out at the nightclub, you're still a weird creepy old man at the nightclub, now sir can I talk to you?

You are looking for your daughter, sir, are you a police officer? Sir, can I talk to you for a second and if you are 51 years old? old lady, it's getting worse, you're a cougar, ma'am, are you the manager? Here's my credit card, ma'am, oh my God, you're dropping something with the skin on your arm, I apologize, hang in there, it's happening to all of us, so start. Dating at your level and you realize after a couple of years that everyone lies in their harmony profile and that those mixed Christian people are too weird in bed even for you, you always show up with a bunch of dildos now that You are fifty-six years old and you know about food. one day you buy broccoli for $19 and ginkgo biloba for $22 but you don't know what it does on your way to Zumba and that's where you meet the real one and this is the same life experience, the same wisdom that you've had, they also have a child.

They despise you and you join together at the head and from 56 to 60 you were ecstatic. The happiest moment of your life. You spent three weeks in Hawaii. The best moment you had. You returned home. You spent five years paying off that credit card, but you don't care. You were happy there right in the morning you woke up 60 a little pain in your side like what the hell is it that you go back and then he goes? Did you see a lot of soft yellow drinking? We found this thing called yellow dye number 19. Turns out it's a nervous age and it's not really good for you what it does is it makes preseason ERV balls form on your ribs.

The strange thing is that the nerve balls are connected directly to your left foot and we can't stop it until the next one. five years your left foot will be nine sizes bigger than your right for the next five years you wake up every morning and you leave, he's just kicking the right ones butt, but the one stays with you and they love you like you've never been loved before and prevent it from pulling to the left and like all human beings we adapt we learn to live with it step small application step small application step and every three months you have to go to Discount Shoe Warehouse and buy two pairs of shoes a 9 and 18 now You are 65 and you stop going and you're just the weird guy on the street with the giant foot, but deep down you always feel like half a clown and one day your house 67 whatever having a barbecue with your friends in the backyard on one day hot having a great time maybe the barbecue has a soft hit and then a horrible twist of fate the side that goes numb is decided with the good foot but you don't care because your snowboard foot takes you much faster now it's a bit of drag app slowly, little app, drag, little app, drag, little, little app, drag and you won't be able to chase happiness anymore.

You want to chase the ability to drink a damn cup of coffee at this point, so you start going to physical therapy and you go three times a week and it costs you nothing because Obamacare works and yes and yes and you take your pills like you're supposed to take and you change your diet and you do everything you're supposed to do and after a while the part of your brain that died, the synapses connect to another part and the nerve endings start to wake up again and after a while you reach a place where you start to feel normal, you don't stop and you bust your ass for seven eight years doing everything you're supposed to do and you get to a point 73-74 where no one can even tell you had a stroke, now you're ready to pursue happiness, three months after that, the universe flips your switch and you die in your sleep and in the final moment of indignation your muscles relax and you dress up with your last meal of chili beans and Metamucil and you go to Jesus covered in your own poop then your family breaks up after fighting over all the junk you left behind and then that house you just spent 30 years paying off is sold to the next in the donor welcome to life there you go, it's worth it and all the time all we're thinking is someday man if I just get that if I just get this but I just do it if I make it I'll be Beyonce and jay-z and then it'll be great and the saddest thing of all is that none of us can stop, but we can't say this, we can't stop it, but do it.

Do me a favor the next time you notice that life is going well take a minute and walk away, my father died at 58 and I will never forget the last time I saw him because I didn't know it was the last time I was going to see him. new house for Christmas, you know, I spent like six days with him and then we're going snowboarding, I said dad, go snowboarding with us, he said, I'm a little tired now, you know, go to the cabin with us and I'll never forget it. . I was backing into the driveway and he was standing in front of the garage door and I was walking away and he was just waving a little plaid shirt that he had.

Anyway, I put the shirt away and I was with my horrible ex-wife in the The time I didn't know was still horrible and we got halfway down the block and I started sobbing and she said, What the hell is wrong with you? Because she was calming down like that and I told her there will be a day when I will leave. from him and it will be the last day that I am away from him and, indeed, that was the last that I was away from them and I would give everything I have now to spend one more day with my dad, you know, I already lost him once. in the divorce I get him back and even if he was mad at me, you know, you haven't been stupid since I died, I wouldn't be mad at all, I'd just be thinking, wow, and that smile would really piss him off, so it's a win-win my father died with an enlarged heart and a normal prostate, curiously because he never stopped having sex with amber amber and my dad we had sex with everything he found my dad got divorced six times to get divorced six times you have to take a lot of samples while you're married.

He may never have gotten an STD. Magic Johnson has to be angry. I'm not going to make this up here when he was six, seven and eight years old. He always asked me to prepare my own breakfast. dad never made breakfast Mari and he never bought good cereal he never bought Captain Crunch he always bought lemon stars and orange swastikas Colonel Klink from another brand this is delicious but I feel very guilty about this at least the prize in the box is a decoder ring Schindler and I would be sitting there every morning at breakfast and every morning a new hottie who would come out of my father's room would sit across the table for me Hi, I'm Cathy, I don't need to know your name well, I just want you to know that your dad and I, yes, you and my dad don't exist, here are your car keys, here's a complimentary t-shirt, my dad was from a different time, he was from a time when the official government food pyramid consisted of cheese butter and mercury you have to have your daily dose of mercury because the soviets could attack what was left unsaid in a year mercury my dad started his day with chili beans he ended it with pizza man he drank beer all day and the night with white russian smoke for 40 years, I'm not going to make my dad start smoking, it was considered menthol, those were the ads my dad and my dad don't like today when we get sick.

Some I already understood, now I will post it on Facebook. Disgusting, right? God the sicker my dad got the more I joked about it my dad got mine my dad was his own alarm clock my dad would wake up every morning like this dad are you okay yeah you just have to change brands haha ​​man He had six heart attacks, he had a big heart some, the giant sack of water forms around your heart, yeah we said he had a giant sack, those are my dad's real jokes and since he was such a tough guy, no We got along very well growing up, he didn't believe in spoiling children, you know, we used to get into fist fights, I mean, fist fights, I don't understand the horror, I really know I have two kids now, I don't understand this, you know. , Jonathan, you are acting wrong, let's see. a therapist if I got mad at my dad when he was a kid and God really had a tantrum.

I woke up two days later I wasn't angry anymore and we used to get into fist fights growing up, man and fights, but the one place we always had Along was the big car guy from the Oakland Rose Show, so let's go to the car show. big cars every time to open Oakland, it's actually in Los Angeles. Now we're going to Oakland, we're all going and we've got some time. I was five years old, so I was already a grown man and once I walked through those doors, it didn't matter how bad my grades were or how stupid and drunk I was being at the time we walked through there, we were just father and son. the closest we ever were as I got older and, you know, became a man, we started sharing real intimate details about our lives and sometimes when you're that close to someone you wish they had someone else, They were so close because there were some things I didn't need to hear now, there will be an era when everyone comes to either we no longer care what we say or you forget about the sonic journeys that my father and I are and the Oakland the Coliseum one day they had a date there there was a convention part at the Oakland Roadster just walking around there just welcome to it girl man which is welcome to what my dad just blurts this out yeah I can't get hard anymore what do you want me to make?

And here, get angry, no, now my sixth wife really likes sex, she likes it a lot, she doesn't position you. We can put our angle on her head dad stop talking please you're 53 she's 60 it's two old people doing it and one of them is my dad and when you tell that story people get cancer he okay, they have thisnew medicine, it's for viagra. It came out of the pill because this new medication, except it comes in liquid form, you have to fill the syringe. I'm going to take the syringe and you have to inject it. Let me tell you now that I can't get hard anymore.

Well, that's enough. let me tell you I don't want to know more yeah I'm fine let me do it no I'm not listening to the story dad oh my god I said the sickest thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm looking at cars let me tell you no and I walk away from him I'm a grown man I need to take this I turn on the brand I don't like it Lilac I welcome my father I walk away 25 feet from my father and At the Oakland Convention Center, My dad says, "You have to shoot your dick." What you see, people write about how they gave daddy cocks and then my dad says something that will forever be etched in my brain.

He says the first time I used it. it means there was a second time, at least the first time I used it, I didn't have my reading glasses and now I have to listen to this story that I don't want to hear because I didn't have my reading glasses and the prescription bottle said use a CC but I thought which said use 10 cc and I started laughing horrified like you guys just did a horrific laugh is defined as something horrible that happens to another person, but to hide your guilt for laughing, you say, oh, we've all done it.

You see a frustrated slam against a kitchen cabinet at full speed, oh poor boy, so I filled the syringe and injected it, yeah, let me ask you guys something, how much do you think you really like sex? because I think my dad just set up the bar I'm going to call my dad from Aaron, he says, I shot it and within about 11 minutes everything started pulling so hard I felt like someone had unbuttoned my anus and how could I be offended? more, goes 5 hours later, it turned black. and not in a good way, so why did I tell you that story?

Because my therapist said it was time and maybe the monsters would stop now. He didn't say they wouldn't start. You know, my father died. I have to admit it. I was really ashamed of him, it's hard to say, but I was ashamed of him because when he died he had worked all his life, he had nothing not even a couple of grand in the bank, a bit like how City almost paid for his company by getting his pension back for financial reasons, whatever, he was a man and he died and I thought, wow, how does this end fifty years of busting your ass, six years Bush still and you get nothing, you get nothing and I thought he was a loser and then I thought about it when I wrote this program while I was writing about it.

You know, my dad never, ever, when he left work on the way home after pouring a beer out of a Pepsi can. I'm not exaggerating at all. you would always stop by his best friend Bob's house and have three beers hidden on Facebook, he wouldn't click like he liked face to face and they would have three beers and laugh out loud every Friday, on Saturdays he would go dancing. with whatever he fucked with his parents without a partner and he danced and they had a great time and he responded in the morning by leaving me alone at home when he was nine years old.

By the way, hey, the doors are closed if you go outside. I hope something kills you, yes fear is a free babysitter, he was always dragging on a project and we were always building a car or doing something crazy. I built cars when I was nine and I drifted cars when I was nine in the mud on these deadly motorcycles that we got for nothing and he could ride around the neighborhood if you got stopped, although I don't know, yeah, that's what I did and every weekend we did something, my dad didn't stop, we did wakeboarding. or snowboarding or hanging guys, so we were just doing something cheap, we always did it cheap and dangerous, but we always did it and I thought about it and I never remember my father once saying that one day we will have a day if this happens .

It would be nice, my dad was never on a donut run, he just sat and ate donuts and the Declaration of Independence is life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but I, on the other hand, wish our founding fathers had put life in freedom and were simply happy. If you have to stick a needle in your penis I know you want a slap and you're horrified and that's exactly what I shoot because my dad died it was weird it was weird my dad my dad died taught me a lot about funerals number one You're all invited to my funeral because there will be an open bar anyway, but we will be old, so there will be a lot of mousse of it and I don't know what that is, but it's like crack for old people that's all I know my dad's funeral was weird there was a version it was full of 150 people there were three rows of women he had slept with I'm not exaggerating they wanted their parents without gay partners and they sat together and that weird ro thing and they were being nice to each other oh, It's so good to see you, I know it's horrible, so guys, if you want all the women in your lives to get along, it turns out that we are the problem we had. an open casket, I don't understand how the open casket happened to someone who just walked into a funeral, see, how do we make this more horrible?

Hey, I got it, what do we support them?, he made it seem like he was sleeping and screaming, but I have decided that no one is going to speak at my funeral, no one because my family's eulogies are just alibis, no one is going to do the eulogy, no, but no one's going to do the eulogy at my funeral no one I'm going to do my own eulogy I'm going to pre-record it, I'm going to do a Mila gee, you guys will show up, you know, you know, have some vermouth instead of just putting it down, park your Jazzy and his scoundrels sit down, I'll just play the tape, I know you can see in the box over there, I have no problem opening it too much because I had two different plans, yeah, if it's open that means I chose plan A, which is do it without prescription drugs and some pale ones, take a whole brick and just rip my ass off. although no we won't be if it's shit that means I went with a plan which was to jump out of a plane with a backpack full of dirty clothes and a warm gift so that when I pull the cord I can see the jump master have an aneurysm , so I love it closed, I laugh to the core like a sweet touch, the money of my personal life, uh, my first wife, I want you to know, I think I told my fucking rotator cuff, it doesn't matter, my second wife, you, you, everything.

I was tall beautiful smart funny you are my dream and you love me like no one ever did you are my soul I'm sorry I cheated on you with those strippers there are certain flaws laugh we try everyone else never marries a stripper my fifth wife I guess I can Tell you now that I killed her, she was horrible, much worse than my first wife, God, I would have gladly strangled him in front of a police station and I know I knew I was going to go to jail and I didn't. She does a cartwheel, but it turns out the world isn't like CSI, everyone said we're so sorry about her accident, although Ray Rice high-fived me and Chris Brown gave me a butt, that was there for everyone who used to. to come to my shows, I'll never forget my last show, it's three thousand people in the middle, so now it was like this weird, politically correct theater in Santa Barbara, but I'll never forget that show.

I knew I was getting close to the end. because my intestines had started to make their own decisions, no, it's time to write that final check when your colon goes rogue, but I remember that scenario and for a second I looked outside and said, 83,000 smiling faces on my loved ones are standing on the wings and my grandchildren and I remember thinking oh this is what it is that's what it's about all those TV shows I didn't do and movies I didn't see, damn it didn't matter because most of my life I had to walk on stage and say what I wanted the way I wanted and he gave me money and even on his worst night it was always chicken that audience was always my favorite donut and it was a pleasure to eat them I know it sounds sexual no and that's how I was the intention of all those who voted for me in my presidential candidacy on 20, 2008.

I apologize, how could we know that the children's arm would go so terribly wrong? Please, very kind. Thank you for tolerating it. Did you have a difficult year? to school and stuff, I was really scared, I was really scared to do that part with the kids because it's such a satirical anti-gun part and people came up to me and said, dude, yeah, I'll keep going. Kids like that you're an idiot bro, so thank you for understanding, thank you for being smart and you know I was born and raised in California and thank you all for being awesome.