Christopher Titus • Voice In My Head • Full Special

forks, I dropped another little one Dale, sorry, I need another little one for my chicken fingers. How many fingers make a chicken half? Now I'm his friend. I didn't laugh once and it was difficult and at the meal she comes. the ladies she's got the ticket she's just shaking the chicks vibrating in her hand she's probably working at a toll right now she says I'm so sorry Mike don't be sorry you're my favorite wage I'll see you tomorrow we walk outside and I can't take it anymore, I lose it, I hit the grass as a friend, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life, Mike, very seriously, he deserved it, my friend is a, so are we clear where I stand? the word now is good, here's why I'm reclaiming this word for us, it describes some of you every day there is something in your life something you get out of bed every morning you get out of the shower you look in the mirror oh that tattoo is what I was thinking man I had jobs early in one of my first jobs I was Darth Vader I wasn't the Darth Vader I was a low rent white trash teenage Darth Vader, which was the name of my next movie, look , my high school was run by the mafia or the The teachers union you elect and they hire the juniors and seniors at local companies and we get like a dollar an hour and five California public school credits per semester and with my grades I got like five credits per semester.

I only have to work three hundred. semesters my counselor calls me when Titus goes, I got you a job, you were going to PJ's ice cream shop as Darth Vader and I was 16 so I'm like wow that sounds like two jobs and did you even know Darth Vader brah, Lord of evil, I don't think it's a difficult path for you and I've been in the drama for two years, brother, how can I play that character well? Okay, give me a second to do my process. Okay, so they fired Darth Vader. after the Death Star exploded, you know he took the blame, it wasn't his fault, but he's a badass, then he moved to Tatooine, which is kind of like the intergalactic god of Tulare Java.

I'm addicted to meth, he did traffic for a while and then when he got out, he moved into a halfway house and I was trying to rebuild his life by looking at the ice cream shop, okay, I can do this. I'm going to PJ's ice cream shop. I walk and the guy doesn't say anything, he invents your hired cousin. It's sixteen I was also six and I'm keeping the Darth Vader suit the job application was a tape measure basically you know why you can't hire Hobbit Vader that's why I go what am I doing he says? you're going to be Darth Vader on the weekends at little kids' birthday parties and even at sixteen I was wondering if they had run out of Charles Manson costumes, maybe a Silence of the Lambs mask, what's up, They spent $300 on Darth Vader's helmet.

I looked exactly like Darth Vader from up here from down here. They had gone to the Salvation Army and bought a black crushed velvet tuxedo, shiny black rain boots, and someone from his own home had donated a black silk sheet for my cloak. I had herpes on my shoulder for two years. They had built a homemade Darth Vader panel with mixed parts and a lite-brite laugh all of you except you Yuri, it lit up the problem was the battery pack, it was for 9 volt batteries intertwined with wires and when it turned on, It gave me an electric shock, so between the tuxedo and this. thing that was like a lounge singer Darth Vader from Tourette Come on, what am I doing guys?

This is the plan. What they will do on the weekends is when we have a birthday party, they will wait outside the curtain and while the party lasts. Going to the back room when they hear the Happy Birthday song, you open the curtain and reveal Darth Vader, director of operations. I'm very excited, but I'm 16 years old. I don't sound like Darth Vader Luke, I'm your father, brother. my mouth now the first day we did this and the last day we did this I'm ready man a little boy named Andy turning six years old. I'm out of the curtain, I'm fired up, man, I got my light saving my boots to shine my helmet.

It's perfect I have my bow tie straight happy birthday to Andy happy birthday to you and I give it all I have I go happy birthday Andy and this little boy didn't look at me like wow Darth Vader he looks at me and then he looks at his mom like the fighter Darth Vader and I see him panic, so I instinctively reach for him and he watched the movie because at that moment the clown, who is my height, jumps in front of the kids, don't worry guys, it's just Darth Vader. let the kids relax it's just Darth Vader Jews relax it's just Hitler two things that scare kids more than anything are Darth Vader and the clowns and they're working together smoking the whole party falls apart just the kids go here's why they fired me while this tumult continues in I'm trying to help, not thinking I'm going to put on the Darth Vader costume, in the middle of trying to help us all, it's in the back of my

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and I started moving forward like this because Andy's older brother, who is 11, jumped onto a chair behind.

Me and I started saying, "You're not Darth Vader, you're not really Darth Vader, come on, Darth Vader and I was in character, so I went back and kicked his little butt out of the chair, which now Veda hasn't taught and that's it." how I got into the show." Business, ha, are you feeling power-seeking? By the way, sometimes failure would lead you into your future because you set fire to the past. Thank God for showbiz man. Thank God. Thank God. I found this in you because you know what it was. a DF student, he was horrible if he didn't learn to misspell as a joke, he'd be doing tricks in the Denny's parking lot right now, my name on the street, Grand Slam, Titus, yeah, sign up, leaves in the dumpster , but it says, sign up. sheet I'm sorry and I want you to know something and then you just let me acknowledge that you guys are ruining this is my fifth comedy

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and I have to pay something and I'm going to play this theater that you guys came to tonight, it's an honor. and it's humbling, but I want you to know something so far because I paid some dues, man, I played, I played shows for some people, some rednecks and I'm not talking about those cute Jeff Foxworthy rednecks, they're kind of cute, I I mean the swamp people. shows where they kill an alligator rednecks honey boo boo the dark side yeah we caught a couple of Gators let's make fun of a fur suit the fur of some she takes her teeth to the local kiosk at the mall and puts them on tourists and use that money, go see Christopher Titus.

I've heard that shows a lot of those people and I'm not playing a character. Those are people I once did on a show in Louisiana or people from my own country who couldn't speak the language I do. I'm in Baton Rouge. I'm doing this one night and I was done for five minutes into the show. Not a single laugh and I don't suck at this. I laugh once in five minutes. The guy looks at his friend. This one is here, golf. ball, are you speaking banjo? What the hell is that no guy who's a Creole banjo criollo sounds the same to me and I was doing these road tours through these horrible one night stands through these tiny little clubs and putting together the last tour.

What we did in the south was called the Macon Tour, it was called the Making Tour because that was the crown jewel, it was Saturday night, you couldn't wait to get there on Saturday night, do you know how sad your life is ? to Macon Georgia and every night leading up to Saturday there were these horrible little towns, these small little towns with a club and they did something different every night at the club to keep the doors open like Monday night was sponsored by a wet t-shirt contest. by K Rock with Bobbie and Steve Tuesday night was the air guitar championship sponsored by the WBA, the party with Wildman and then it was me getting lynched sponsored by K boot George's best racist country with Philip and the Klansmen and Sonny was Black Panther barbecue house party ads about K saw playing softly because the guy who ran the club wasn't racist he was capitalist he didn't care so I'm on stage when I do my show everything's fine in the middle of On my show, this human planet is standing in the back of the room, it takes a month to film him, and he's wearing a white Boss Hogg hat, so I can see him and he starts betting towards the stage, because when you're at 730, everything what you can.

What I'm doing is wandering around and I'm thinking he's not going to come to me. You know, he's just walking through the crowd, but then I realized that he's coming towards me because the gravity starts to get more intense. The guy walks to the edge of the stage. In the middle of the joke he raises his hand, takes the microphone out of my hand, turns around and says, ladies, you're gentlemen, if there's a Kathleen Mason here, her baby is hungry and has a temperature and they need to go out and the audience is watching. and leave, ladies and gentlemen.

They shot the president and now back to the comedy. He was making fun of me for the good, you understand. These people like they shot the president and there's a sick baby. It's Armageddon. Bobby, take the weapons, then I'll go. Kathleen Mason is here and there was no response. because she was obviously giving someone a Hummer in the parking lot, small town Hummer based economy, so Goku at least have a moment of silence for the baby. I didn't mean that, I meant like a moment of prayer for the baby to be there. Okay, but these people were like, wait, son, a couple of things, we're not making fun of an artistic moment, your neighbor's trucks lift equipment and sick babies, so they hate me.

I start tap dancing thinking he's laughing and finally I make him laugh again. I walk off stage to come back and get paid my 65 bucks, who's paying me, Boss Hogg, and he's mad, man can't believe what I'm saying tonight, boy, I know you grabbed the mic and I made him laugh again . I'm a genius, that's not what I'm talking about, California fruitcake know-it-all, what you said, boy, and I want you to know something: the baby dies, he's in your

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. I'm not making any of this up, that baby dies, he's in your head. head I killed the baby with comedy that's how powerful I am oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah they don't allow babies on my show anymore look around you word's out in the baby community so what's happening is I'm leaving that gig, I'm mad I'm going and staying at this hotel, they say they're putting up these horrible hotels, man, these people put me up well, this is like the four and a half hotel, you know, you'd like to get a roll of plastic wrap from Walmart to wrap yourself. soot and get into bed you know it's the south so Lee it's like this little window air conditioner keeps everything nice 82 and it sounds like a diesel generator that threw a rod and I used to read a lot of Stephen.

A little advice from King, don't read Stephen King in the south, at that point it's non-fiction, so I'm sitting there reading this book and all of a sudden on the pillow next to me I see this and it's one of those. Southern critters I like here and I think he was just reading over my shoulder, here's how badass I am. I go now. I'm standing in the air conditioner wrapped in saran. Shoe. You need this shoe. Get it the next morning. I don't sleep at all I'm driving it's like 7:00 in the morning but at eight o'clock my agent calls me I'm on order I have a 200 mile drive you have to get to the next closest city right away There's a group of women there who wants you to do a midday show.

You called Christopher Titus, right? Because you already know my act. I killed the baby with it last night because it's an extra 50 bucks. I'm on it. He throws this shitty little town around. town and it's a group of women in this little it's a town outside of dorium that's all the group of women did all with cute little hats drinking mint julep they're laughing yeah now I'm going to teach you how to mess with a comedian tonight 'cause I hear you in line sometimes, oh I'm going to interrupt, keep going at this stage, any comedian works here, we'll gut you, it's not a challenge, you know why it's just our job, all you comedians, you guys need to know this in all communities.

He's got 60 things in his head that he's used a million times so you're going to say something we're going to hit you he's going to laugh we're going to move on then you say something else he's going to hit you again and now he's going to laugh again except This time they will start to hate you a little and then you will say something else, he will hit you one more time and your girlfriend will not sleep with you that night and if you are a woman, of course, the boys will sleep. with you but she doesn't call you the next day, so if you say one more thing, I'll go with my ace up my sleeve.

I'm going to get two guys at work here who are bigger than me and they'll pick up your ass. get up and crawl while the rest of us think we are the world, that's what will happen if you've been to a lot of comedy shows that you've half-watched, but I'm not making this up, that's how you destroy a comedian. although you sit in the front and never laugh once the rest of the audience applauds you, you never laugh alone and every two minutes you shake your head a little because what happenslike a reggae boom. Katinka, don't make most of a date there, okay, take both to think about bacon now.

I'm off the road, I'm scared to death, I mean it was horrible, I was gripping the steering wheel hard, my foot was stuck to the ground and this is the perfect time to give me some instructions but he took off so my best friend intervenes. The man just came back to the track, you got this, you got this, so I came back to the track, the edge of the track has a mound of asphalt this big running along it, I hit it at one hundred and thirty miles an hour and let's say that Viper lost contact with the ground, no, now I'm on my side at 130 miles per hour looking directly at the instructor, perfect time to help me, but he can't see because of the client, here are the next eight seconds of my life.

I'm backing up at 130 miles an hour and I did what most men do in the situation where I just let him go. I thought how much worse this could get. Here's how much worse the car flew out of the infield backwards sideways 130 had a two foot fall and I don't need a driving instructor anymore I need someone who knows about aviation like if you were trying to instruct me then I'll shut up and I don't need you any less can you pull the flaps we flew so far I prayed three times please God don't kill us please we don't have killers yes we hit from my side the car went up completely vertical like that and stopped even in my inside reach.

I was like I have nothing, you better do something because if you die, I die luckily, the car fell off those wheels. hit so hard and the car guys will get this, the rear tire, the Vipers, this wide, the steel belted radial came off the rim and folded over on itself like a condom here, oh from the guys, just right at that moment the front end broke, I filled the front radiator, top five anyone here am I a wrecked and dirty car with the windows down because it was as if the universe and its infinite wisdom had decided to turn my brand new car into a planter Sir, let's see how much outside we can put?

In just dirt and we're stopped but my new car is making this noise oh I'm dead gripping the wheel but still on the ground the silhouette of the instructor slowly emerges through the dust that's not how it's done okay yeah where? Were you four hundred meters ago? The emergency brake is there. I think our instructor needs an instructor, but he wouldn't give up this job for anything. The whole stupidity of how I can't even turn his stupidity into this and I have to do it. So because of this job, my God, I'm so blessed and I get to go to Iraq to the troops.

Try some went to Europe for the troops when I got Comedy Central la va, not for me, not for me anyway, so when I come back. from that comedyCentral says Hello Titus, do you want to do something like war? Deniz welcomed the troops home. Specials that we are going to film. You want a host. I said yes. They said it's okay. Go to San Diego and film some stuff with Jupiter. I go to San Diego and I meet the troops, I mean two Navy SEALs and I like three push-ups on camera and eighty-three thousand. I vomited, it's very funny, then we go and they put me in an altitude chamber, but no.

They didn't tell me they were going to do it, they cut off the oxygen and I passed out, which I have to admit when I saw it, it was pretty funny. I don't remember it because it burned out two of the memory centers on this side of my brain. and I had to relearn how to use the spoon with this hand or whatever we make a fake parachute is great we're done with it and them and I are going well we didn't film it well okay I'm going to go get ready to the show and I start to leave and one of the guys says hey, Titus, before you go, man, do you want to go play with the attack dogs.

Look, now you heard what was said, but I see what I do for a living. The job is to stand in front of a group of drunk strangers and make them like me, that's pathetic you know why because I don't like myself. I need you guys to go you guys are funny say and I go yeah and just Suck a bullet again tonight ha ha ha no thanks but if there's a camera on me that means possibly millions of people through from the camera they might like them too, so when you heard attack dogs, I heard it, hey, man, you can be on TV Zamora so I go to this yard where they train these sea dogs, they are tough, they attacked us, they kick them like crazy coolest things I've ever seen these dogs can sniff out drugs and anything in an emergency can drive a Hummer when I approached the dog was listening to Rosetta Stone they told me the dog's name is Take Oh , but I'm an idiot comedian and the cameras on me, God, be funny, so to be funny, I think it would be funny, start calling the dog taco and making all the horrible illegal immigrant jokes I can on the dog, So how are you doing?

I see some marks on your belly, just go over the fence and Tijuana, what's going on there? taco, kill me to sign a DREAM Act dog taco that was Are you going to take good jobs from American dogs in front of Home Depot tacos? That was happening. Wow, where's your leaf blower cue? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm not proud of it, but it's what I did, this is what I forgot the dog is. smarter than me and I knew he knew I was making fun of him because every time I said his name wrong he looked at his trainer like he was really going to let me kill him or send me to Afghanistan, that's what I think he said anyway because of the the way the dog and the trainer like the most incredible relationship as if they were like brothers it was crazy to see them so they got in order she wanted to attack cool simulation I'm sure they put the sleeve on it I murmur that it's metal with padding and leather and the dog jump Yo, I'm telling you this thing was intruding, I don't mean metal, I mean it was 58 Cadillac tail fin metal and this dog crushed it around my arm like it was a blood moisturizing wipe, okay no There are bad things, there is no moss, no one stops.

Don't stop mr. Titus the dog's jaws are 1,200 pounds per square inch, yeah, someone could have told me this isn't like Pet Smart at all, so I go to the cameraman so we understand, yeah, so I start to leave, okay guys, leave. ready but I start to leave and the dog trainer says mr. Titus, before you go, do you want to do a

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run attack simulation? You're a comedian, you probably couldn't handle it. Did this man just call you in front of a dog? Oh, I think he did well what you're going to do. I think we all know what I'm going to do, so put on the big padded pants all over the studded suit, a pair of big pants, a big padded jacket, give me these big gloves with big sleeves, they don't give me anything for my head because I have already agreed to play with the attack dogs obviously there is nothing up here to protect here are the rules for the attack dog simulation that they sent to mr.

Titus run towards that corner as fast as you can but don't look where you're going, you have to look over your shoulder at the dog and look him straight in the eyes because if you don't he can go for your jugular. you might be able to pass 5050 you gotta ask yourself my jugular guy half

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jugular guy half empty so they say go and I start straight and I'm looking back at the wrist and I'm running and I'm looking at the dog I run and I run and I run a long way and this dog doesn't chase me I seem magnetized, all the trainer does is lean over and touch Wayne the dog faster than my viper and my adrenal gland. excreted on himself he was like and my life is flashing Darth Vader kills the baby and I can feel something coming but I can't look at it because I want to keep my jugular so I raised my arm like he was telling me that those jumps, I'm telling you, This animal winked at me in the air, everything hit me.

I turn the fence, the dog had timed it and hit me with a hundred and ten pounds of dog theory just as I was running at full speed full of adrenaline towards an eight-foot wooden fence standing thank God I took the impact with my face protecting the suit and saving me your tax money, you're welcome I bounced off the fan I'm half knocked out I'm bleeding I'm not lying on the ground the dog keeps attacking me I'm like 185 he starts crawling slowly through my haze I can hear the trainer cuss cuss stop whoops curse here Paco stop and the dog won't stop attacking me I'm like oh well this one has PTSD, give this dog help, Congreso, the guy finally comes to us, again he just touches the dog, the dog instantly the camera keeps rolling, the trainer leans so far from my face and says, the dog's name is tako, do you feel the power? oh, that's why I'm leading the congregation because I make mistakes that piss off other species, but we're not at the top of the mountain yet.

Are you ready to go to the mountains? Are you sure you're ready to go all the way? The worst failure of my entire life. I'm glad you bastards care so much now that I had a TV show for Kyle Titus, don't clap, this is a part of the show, you anonymous assholes and I'm the founding member at the time. I was at Fox, we had him as president for three years and the presidents attended the meetings, they did not say the same thing, Titus, we loved the program, it is perfect, this is what you have to change and they said that it would not be ironic now that I say I'm a failure when I say I'm a loser, I understand that you have to be hugely successful to be a failure like me.

I had my own show on national television that I wrote on and started as an executive producer for someone really brilliant. people who are high up but are nowhere near the top of the mountain the day this story happened we were having a meeting outside Rupert Murdoch's office, a large 80 foot conference room, a 60 foot conference table and Your network president enters with all his people. a woman this time there is no reason for that just facts the presidents of the studios we ourselves hurt people my people on the other side of the table and it felt like a crash was going to happen you know that only you thought that the Rumba was going to happen happen at that time there was no one otherwise no this is like a creative meeting or a fight why I just bet the president never sits directly in front of me and says this Chris we love the show it's perfect , this is what you have to change.

I want you to divide the main characters. and make them deceive each other and here is the sentence that cost me 30 million dollars. I looked the president of the network in the face, the person who runs everything, someone on my side could have reminded me of that or stuck me in the neck with a number. two pencils that would have distracted me I look at her face and go, do you even watch the show? Because let me explain how it works. Yes, that's what he started. I go to shows based on a premise for people who are dysfunctional and screwed together.

They make a great couple who can survive anything if I break them up and suddenly there are bastards like the rest of the world, they're not funny, they're not honest, the audience doesn't like them anymore and the show is over, so guess what? . We're not going to do it and I knew it. I ended up going to be like a madness of gladiators all standing. Aren't you entertained and I finished and I was the only one standing and everyone else was silent and the other sound that was silent was silent. What I could hear was the thermostat going down on its own and then a tumbleweed flew over a tent and for some reason I heard Clint Eastwood's

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, wow, that was it and the president of the network, as cold as she could, looks at me in the face and says, "Okay, do what you want" and turns away.

If you tell your boss he is stupid for too long they will fire you, write it down, but they couldn't fire me, good products. Joe is doing it, so what they did was they stopped all promotion of the show and then the next week, a month later, they put Us next to the West Wing, which is a number one show on television, our ratings went down, but then the ratings started going up again and we got moved again, except this time it was like Sunday morning at 2:30am. m. and this is what you idiot. Loser that I was, I pissed them off so much that they had to contractually tell me that they were going to pick up the cost by canceling before midnight on this particular day, they called me at 11:52 yes, I pissed them off from bed, someone stopped sleeping.

It's like we should probably call Titus and tell him that, uh, three more hours, I want to exhaust all his hopes and call this on Mr. Titus, it shows canceled, I'm sorry and the phone went off the second the phone went off. I realized it was my fault, wasn't it the actors' fault? Stacy Keach Zach Ward, did you see tonight, my God, brilliant actors, the writing was brilliant, it was. my fault I pissed off the wrong person and I didn't sleep that night the next morning I went in and took my new baby out of her crib, a baby I couldn't afford anymore and you can't kill two and I sat in my very expensive house that I just bought it and I couldn't afford it anymore and I looked out the window at my ViperSo now I was effectively a grass sculpture and I cried for an hour and a half because I realize that it doesn't matter what I do. do in this life, no matter how successful I am, I will find a way to burn it off and I am sure that crying for an hour and a half won't bother my daughter when she is 19 years old in therapy.

I dream of dad sobbing. the next four days we are not good for me people had a nervous breakdown I was cleaning the house and a bottle of vodka openrov flip-flop we can't figure it out and then they took away my nightmare and my loving and caring wife at that time They approached me to my face and told me that he is a loser who can't even keep a television show on the air. I love you vodka so I got divorced sir haha ​​four years later after proving she couldn't keep a TV show on the air well.

I divorced her, actually, the real reason was because she was dating two other guys, that's pretty true, and I came home when I did these road gigs for you guys and she said all our money was gone. I go, what do you mean by her? our bank accounts are empty, they're overdrawn, I go, what's wrong, he says, it was identity theft, so I called the LAPD and asked them to investigate, they wrote to an analyst and they investigated and found out it was identity theft , but it turns out that my wife had stolen her own identity, so I thought about divorce, I wanted a settlement on her divorce and the judge said and then she confronted us when she said: I want a divorce in her honor because men have been on me beating for 20 years and beating children and the judge says mr.

Titus, you won't be able to see your children for a while until we resolve this. I have already discovered it. I want to talk about that word for a second because I know that word is kryptonite to all the women here and I want you to know that. something before my divorce, if someone said that word out loud, I would say never say that word so that it gets in front of me since my divorce, that word has become my nonsense and to be very clear, it is not applies to point ninety-nine. nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine ninety-nine percent of women but that ooo-ooo one percent is appropriate thank you Shakespeare when my children were taken from me and if they didn't move out of my house in twelve days so in a in a very very very very very short time I went from having everything I ever wanted in life to failing at my job failing in my marriage failing my children failing financially and I had to face that I failed like Darth Vader and in this whole nightmare an incredible thing It happened a month and a half after it happened, I met this girl, this amazing girl, five foot seven, smoking, beautiful, 13 years younger than me, she's very sexy, like a model, very sexy, out of my league, sexy and, frankly, that was enough, you don't even need to do it. speak english can you speak the banjo when i'm fine just take off your clothes get into bed and fill the darkness in my soul please total bonus for college degrees super smart she kept telling me things you know like oh my god you're so funny and you're so smart and so sexy never like?

I thought: what the hell is her problem? mantis this girl is a liar man you know this guy wants you for your money I don't have all the money my ex took it all the loser taking the new stuff okay sure sure oh she wants you to release your fame . I have no fame. The television program ended. I have to fill my next

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in Fresno. Yeah, keep that out. do it in the next interlock whoa-oh-oh I know what it is girl eh, she's mentally more screwed up than you aha, that had to be like that, that's how every relationship in my entire life is, every woman I met went crazy, just she went crazy I think I hear them saying they have these relationships with unicorns, yeah we did it for six years and then we decided it wasn't right so we split it up.

We're still best friends. Wow, what's the food like on your planet, every relationship I've ever had ended with cops and me behind a door, just take it out, man, just take it out, but this girl was so beautiful and so smart and she told me such nice things that I decided, you know what I'm going to do? this one until she kills me in my sleep and then I was in Phoenix working, I love going to Phoenix in the summer because it's so hot and if you're depressed you go to a park and sit and watch little kids burst into flames.

I go to the club that night to do my show and the owner of the club comes up to me and says, he does a

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. I have to warn you about something and please never start a conversation with me like it's mine, every click of your tongue says, it's cancer. They told him to tell you, I'm going to what and he says: Nils Lofgren is coming to the show tonight. Stop, Stop, Stop, Nils Lofgren. The East Street Man meets Lofgren, one of the greatest guitarists of all time is coming to the show tonight. Yeah, I guess you suck. bad at comedy has become a rock and roll club, why don't those come on the show legally?

I don't know, he called and said he wanted to come see you. Oh, even better, buddy, you're going to suck in front of one of your heroes hey Q armpit sweat now but for some reason the show is going great I have a great show I'm done I'm backstage the waiter comes back says hey Titus Nils Lofgren asked me that he came to say hello and I don't like him and celebrities don't want to meet him they don't care they don't want to you know why what if they're not cool? What if they're not what you like?

What if they are different? I had this theory called idiot credits. Listen, every celebrity has earned a certain amount of idiot credits. Tom Hanks has the most idiot credits. This is what I mean, it's tomorrow's newspaper. Read Tom Hanks hits. None. Your first question is what the hell did that nun do to Tom Hanks for a couple of years? It makes Charlie Sheen get paid all in one weekend. I heard that the winning tiger came back bad but very bright. Alec Baldwin receives an allowance every 18 months. This is why you never hate Alec Baldwin. He never lets his balance get too low.

He just goes get it. our wallet I guess he's hosting Saturday Night Live again, so it's like Lindsay Lohan is broke, but remember Robert Downey Jr. I was broke now he's back on top so you know okay so we can get him back and I don't want to meet him. I don't really want to say I'm a fan of this guy I've seen. him at sana a and the E Street Band concert on the 70 foot screen playing guitar with his face doing these crazy solos doing a backflip the guy is a rock and roll Godzilla he comes backstage he's that tall and I felt like Willy Wonka for a second, who is this?

By the way, we're friends now when he hates that joke, but what is he going to do? Hit me on the knee. He hates that joke a lot worse, so just so you know the nicest guy in the world, you know, Dana Carvey said. I at least said something a long time ago. The nicest people you'll ever talk about in show business are the most talented and this guy is the most, he just gives up and says, man, you're a great show, fun, nice to meet you, you know. My wife and I didn't even know about you, but it turns out Bruce and Patti are fans.

Bruce, damn, because there's no way he's talking about that guy and starts laughing at him. Now I'm not laughing and he says: Why did you come on our show? in Los Angeles in a couple of months and I said great because one thing I know about everyone in show business is that we're always honest, we're always sincere, we do exactly what we say we're going to do, so I said see in Los Angeles , but my dad raised me mafia style you don't accept favors from people you do favors but you don't accept them and then he taught me how to shoot an informant so my plan is to buy my own tickets go to the concert Be that guy, even though I respect them too much, I want to pay for my own tickets, but they are sold out, so now what do I do right?

Do what you did, you blended in like a seventh grader, so Carlin is no good and I call. Go Nils, hey man, I said I tried to get tickets, I didn't want to bother you, but you said I could go, let me buy it, I gave the money to charity though, he's this guy, dude, shut up, I'll call you again. Four days later, four days later, I'm in my car driving, my phone rings, I pick it up, it's a woman, she says hello, it's this Christopher Titus, I'm going, yeah, she's going, hello, this is Patti Springsteen, Patti Scialfa, sprixie, she says, yes, you know my name.

Rumble god Maddie's birthday in Converse she says "OMG, you know the album - yeah, you can't just call me, you have to have three people call me to let me know you're going to call me, then I have to make an appointment with him doctor, get a prescription for ritalin take some ritalin and then you could call me and she laughs in the lab and says I'm calling because me and Bruce are fans and I say Bruce ooh because there's no way and she laughs it's because he wants to. that you go to the show but don't go down to the stadium to pick up the tickets and go to our hotel and I said: I said: this is the nicest thing I can thank you, so I can't even believe it, this is incredible, thank you I hang up the phone. and my girlfriend is 13 years younger than me and she's sitting next to me, I say it was Bruce and Patti's birthday and she says Bristow, no that's not even funny, in fact now you have to shut up for the rest of the day Unless NSYNC calls you anyway and we go to this hotel in Los Angeles on Wilshire, it's one of those hotels we can't stay in, it's like, I have doors, a watchtower and a helicopter all the time, you know it doesn't look like a hotel there's just a little door in the front you know a little name and you walk in what the hell is this oh the Pope would go to hell and I go up to the guy hello how are you you're the scammer Sergey , speak? a little banjo, yeah, Jeff, something for Christopher Titus, the guy does flip flip flip, no.

Wow dude, you're laughing at Punk with the news, hey, they're two pretty cool guys, right? And I instantly go into loser mode. I'm sorry, and I take three. steps in the boy goes sorry mr. status I have something for you it's in the vault I'll be right back it's in the vault the guy comes back with an envelope I'll never forget in the envelope there are two row tickets, a seat 13 and 14 for backstage passes Henry, this is PS, it which I know means the person is suspicious, so the view to order Fanta was these guys, they obviously know what a fan I am.

They decided to have security watch my butt all night, but they weren't smart enough to do what they should. The fact is they put an explosive anklet with GPS tracking in the envelope I had to wear and if I got too close to a band member, I would blow my foot off so they could escape, don't go, my girlfriend says: PS: Pattie Springsteen , idiot, I told him. don't talk let's go to this concert I have to tell you something I'll tell you this story because if you had it I want to hear in my life in my life anything I've ever done I've never had access to like this We parked behind the team trucks, we went through a back door, we're standing in this little area right outside the stage, right inside, there's only three couples, it's dark, there's two other couples, me, my girlfriend and that's it, and the guy is on stage one.

One of the greatest artists of all time is blowing up this arena and honestly, it was such a high point in my life that you could have put a bullet in the back of my head, performance style like my dad taught me. None of the dark guys come. hey don't lie my name is Tony I'm with the team nice to meet you Titus listen I'm going to need you to be here during the Encore I have to go find you and take you backstage because Bruce wants to talk to you when I go Bruce because there's no way is talking about that guy and he doesn't laugh, he just leaves and leaves now if you haven't seen the E Street Band in concert, I don't care what race you are, how old you are.

What sex are you, go see it, you won't believe it, it's the tightest band investment, my girlfriend, 13 years younger, goes, I don't know, the cat took her to a concert, 2/3 of the way she goes , I would do it in front of you, I know very well, I could do it in front of you, they are very good shows, incredible, we are discouraged by the show, Tony comes out of the darkness, hey guys, come back, any point, two more couples because we go backstage. true, and I mean I'm trying not to go geeky. I'm just keeping the thin shred of calm that I had, uh, and I let them go first because it could be their family right when these people walk in front.

From me I realize it's the edge of u2 and his girl and Adam Clayton of u2 and his girl oh that was the edge of the hotel she's going to stop hitting me I'm pressing domestic violence charges but she's laughing and I'm not I laugh, right? in a wake up, don't speak well, you're going to say something stupid, stay away from the edge, it's dangerous near the age and that went off, how's the guard, mr. Nigel oh my god I can't believe it I mean you I'm a huge fan you guys are devoted without being overly cautious and your music is so inspiring oh man when you came out giddy because you keep pushing up I couldn't.

I think that album was you guys one two three Fourteen hey what the hell is that man? You guys are so good. Now I'm a big fan.If he had stopped talking right there, this would be an incredible story, but the idiot continues, says one more. phrase and turns it into a phenomenal story. I look at U2's international superstar in the face and say dude, I bought so many things from you that I paid for that t-shirt and my girlfriend looks at me and she turns around and just walks away from me. she ran away she just abandoned me right on the battlefield let me bleed on her credit the edge turns green okay that's what people look like right before they cost you their safety step away from the edge and listen to what I said I'm Like God, dude, you're I'm a loser and I stand aside, I'm like she's, you're an idiot and I'm sitting on this case, something happens, oh my God, and suddenly Henry Winkler walks up to me, no you ask him. to go uh, don't do it and for some reason in this moment of feeling like shit, Henry Lucas's wife walks around him and says: you're on that show, big shot, she likes big scenes, oh God My, you are so funny in the show what a good actor it is a pleasure to meet you Wow pleasure pleasure pleasure and now my insides are totally confused what the hell happened tonight?

Did you settle in a wormhole in a parallel universe where your double is popular? Yeah, well, I'd show you that. allows you, are you going to ruin a time-space continuum? I'm very intelligent at least that's what Stephen Hawking says at that moment Jackson Browne comes up to me, yes my Rize, don't talk to Jackson Browne if you talk to Jackson Browne. I'll cause an aneurysm and kill you myself and I'm going crazy like I can't support myself. I'm just shaking, let's go to the wall. Hello wall, thank you God. Oh God, the hollow wall is good. at that moment the band comes off the stage Springs he walks next to hugs Edge says something says something someone else looks at me and says hey Titus, I have a story for you man, it's a long story, not a short story, now it's a long story in one minute and he goes into his dressing room because he is all sweaty from the show and he is wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a black vest and he came out later all clean and perfect and jeans, a t-shirt and a black vest.

I'm not kidding, so he leaves, everyone comes, my Jessamine, come back and we go to Bruce Springsteen's dressing room and let me tell you something. I've been in show business for a long time and every locker room I've been in, including the one here tonight the best ones are two steps above the seventh grade boys bathroom they're just cinder blocks a shitty carpet there's like a table with some wine on it there's couches that you know the groupies have done creepy things on oh if I had brought a black light in the air everyone would have thrown up and we were standing there with me and my daughters there and of course Suddenly, Bruce Springsteen and Patti Springsteen started walking towards us to talk to us and I realized I was about to meet one of my heroes.

Tell them first what you are looking for. My friend makes these rock and roll skull rings, so I got the ring sizes from him and they made me rings because I want to be engaged on this Briggs Day. Now tell them what else you did. I wrote Bruce Springsteen a three. -single spaced page letter do you see how sad they feel for you right now? and I gave him the rings and I gave him the letter and he says, man, you want me to read this right now, it wasn't the smartest move he made all night and she. starts off as another one of the nicest people, by the way, Bruce Springsteen has so many douchebag credits that he could walk up to you on the street, punch you in the face as hard as he can and you'd be like, I'm sorry, I don't know what I did, but I have to work on it because Tom Hanks hit me like two days ago just so you know, the nicest almost normal human being in the world and his wife is even nicer and says, I want you to know why you're here.

Her son Evan got us into you and we live in a very philosophical home and she looks at him and I had a weird thought of what it must be like to be her son because if you're a fan of the boss when he's making those conversations before he starts playing, you know that you were just inspired, you say, yeah, but if you're his son, that's just your dad and he won't shut up, would it be hard to live in that all the time like a barbecue day? At home, you know, my dad used to make spicy chicken and he used to turn the chicken with an American chicken spatula, but last year the American chicken spatula company went out of business and now we have these Chinese chicken spatulas.

Don't know. It is no longer the same United States. Hey, can you give me some dishes? I need war plates two, three, four, for that to go through my head and then start talking and for you to know it's weird because he's a normal human being now, that's if we go out and he leaves, you know , my son Evan Wright would come home every night for dinner after school and would just sit quietly and say eat and then later. During dinner, he would go into his room and stare at something for hours and, frankly, I don't want to know what the hell he was doing, but he did it every night.

You know, he actually stayed quiet at the table and then went to his room. room and he was just watching something and after about two months he came out of his room and he had these two boxes of your old TV show and he picked him up and said dad, this show taught me a lot about life. I want you to do it. Watch it with me and I'm like eh FFF that and he's doing well and it bothered me for a year because I'm like, you know what it is, I'm not the first person who can't speak English with him. so instead of having to tell everyone what you just said, it goes well and then you don't feel like an idiot, you're in, oh, I guess you said something coherent, okay, oh, keep talking, what the hell, and then I don't say anything else, he keeps talking and he just explained it and says, you know who's really great with that show and I'm a big fan of it, the comedies, but I don't know that one, yeah, this horrible family. stories you know and you made it funny and then about 2/3 of the way through you would scare the hell out of everyone and then you made it funny and I don't know man it was like that, this roller coaster and I I was a big fan of those comedies with that No I know each other, it was kind of art and Maya Narita says, "Oh, this guy is our idiot, what is he talking about?

I like John Cougar Mellencamp a lot more than this guy or The idiot and I had this weird moment, just a little advice, never have an epiphany in front of money or heroes because I must have looked like I just spit out. I had one brain losing the other brain, what did he say and I had this quick thought in my life. a loser. No five year old thinks I just believe what my dad said when he said it and then when my ex wife took over I guess my dad loved her when she died I believed him too and at that point. when this man told me this i decided i will never again let these people define who i am from now on i will just let bruce springsteen define who i am he's the boss but he's the boss don't clap you realize he doesn't know anything about this, so we finish talking, they are very nice and we meet my girlfriend, we move away, they talk to other people and here is the conversation that my girlfriend and I have and then Suddenly, Jackson Browne is standing here and I don't hear the

voice

.

When I was 16, I came home like, in the middle of summer, I came home and I walked into my room and my dad had installed three-foot speakers, these bad speakers on each side of my bed and I knew that aliens had abducted my dad and they replaced him with someone who liked him and he had run these speakers through the floor under the house to the front room and the progress of the stereo. That summer, all he did was spin those things just as he was. He could have blown out the AC/DC windows. Do you know if.

The Beastie Boys Journey. I apologize. What I didn't know was that classes started in September and what my father had actually done was install. a 2000 watt alarm system in my room that he controlled from the front of the house, so from the first day of school that year until I graduated, my dad woke me up at 6:45 with that stereo blaring. volume. and I shot my ass up to the ceiling so Jackson Browne would run around with nothing because he knew my grades and he thought that was ironically funny, so I told Jackson Browne the story of Jackson Browne and if I had stopped talking right there, this would be a incredible story, but the idiot continues.

I continue and say one more sentence. I look at Jackson Browne in his international superstar face again and I say man, that album and your music is like a soundtrack to my life and my girlfriend looks at me and turns around and walks away again and this is what I'm talking about. I realize all these people we look up to all these superstars we think they're cool they're just like us jackson says man i just wrote some songs wow dude why do you gotta make everyone feel creepy man why why did you do it to everyone change it to him boss, the Fonz, the advantage, now the suitor, good job, idiot, so now everyone is leaving the locker room and I don't want to be the last one hanging out in the locker room.

I'm lying, I want to be the last one to do it. Bruce Patti, everyone's gone, we're staying, we're getting Snuggies in popcorn, what do you fancy? Even though I think better of it, I go up to him and say, hey man, I can't believe this happened tonight. Thank you very much, we are preparing. go now and I don't know, could you sign something for me, man, and he says, yeah, man, of course I will, and he grabs a song list at the top of the song lists and this is what he writes in it, Chris, better thanks for the impulse of inspiration Springsteen and I left there with the most beautiful woman in the world and in the worst year of my life I had the best night of my life a month later I leave a car wash , stay with me.

I'm driving home and I see my phone ringing and it says unknown and I don't have any friends that are strangers hey hey Bruce Springsteen from Titus you can't call me man I told you I have a three person riddle and then you call and he laughing I'm not laughing and he says man, we just came back from Europe, they were the same mana fans from there, crazy, you won't believe it. I got sick, even though I lost ten pounds in two days. It was crazy. I had to cancel the show I said you canceled the show he goes I know well because he knows who he is and I don't think about who I'm talking to and I go because it's very normal, I go buddy, isn't it weird when you're sick? backstage you have a 102 temperature you walk on that stage and suddenly you're not sick anymore you wear this killer show you walk away and then you're dead again and he walks away fine that's the audience's fault man because you were dead right, but you came out of that stage and they wanted to see that show so they gave their lives to keep you going and then you left and you were dead again because they weren't there to keep you alive, Yoda and the youngest screaming at you.

I know you're talking to the boss, right? And he just dropped a knowledge on your butt and I start panicking again and I'm like oh, so why did you call? Which must have sounded like yeah, blah, blah, blah, Bruce, get it, get it. above, he's so normal here when he says, oh yeah right, like he knows you're washing your car hard. I'll let you get back to that you idiot, what an idiot he's leaving, the reason I call man is he's going, we're back for two. You know and I remembered that you wrote me that letter and I wanted to read it and I was looking for it around the house and I lost it oh thank god oh oh thank you Lord in heaven because you know how you found that letter this should be a call from the FBI, yeah man, so I was wondering, I was wondering what that letter said, damn the steering wheel, actually, three pages, uh, okay Tom, he said this, he said the first place where DANC, the second page said, your shit stuck together, dude and Paddy, tell him. them that but although this voice in my head is not going to leave any of us you are going to have it forever I no longer hear mine and I told them what it said I said in 1985 I saw you with Oakland The Coliseum blew up 80,000 people and I I wasn't a fan.

I was dating a girl that I was trying to sleep with, but now I remember who she was, but I remember that night and I bought everything you've done since that night and from That Night onwards and I used to take your music on tour and do these concerts. horrible and I listened to music for hundreds and hundreds of hours over and over again and these concerts were horrible Bruce, I killed a baby once. and I laugh and he doesn't laugh and I quoted the lyrics and the last paragraph said this I didn't write this for myself I wrote this for the 25 thousand people that you played for tonight who will never be lucky enough to meet their heroes and tell them what they meant to him, so to them, thank you and he says, "Well, man, you know, that's really cool, you did that and Bruce Springsteen stopped talking right there.

This would be a phenomenal story, but Bruce Springsteen goes on and says one more thing". phrase man, I have to ask you this, did you really tell the edge your shirt tonight? Thank you, people in the past, a crazy lady. Oh, you.