The Accidental Ornithologist Stand Up Special FULL CUT NEW

thanks, so the rule is for everyone, the rule is if you screw up too many job interviews you become a comedian, that's how it happened to me anyway, I'll never be able to get through a job interview, you know, it's a high - pressure situation you really need that job you dress well you arrive a couple of minutes early you are trying so hard not to make any stupid mistakes first chance to make a stupid mistake you make a stupid mistake they give you that application and you

accidental

ly write your name on it wrong box, you didn't get the job right anymore because, what are you going to do?

Handwrite it on your application with a huge skills market and the first blank space at the top of the page says: Me. get the job no, no, I can't ask for another application either. Could you have another request? Please, why would they say you don't need another application, sir, because we're not going to hire idiots. box with a job application, you have no choice but to leave your name in the wrong box, then you are in the interview, guys like the CEO's name is Ben Bailey, yes, and you currently reside at 365 Ben Bailey, yes, yes, I'm doing well.

I've lived there all month, but don't try to mail that email to me. I put my postal address in the comments box and due to a strange coincidence and Sonnen, my zip code is exactly the same as the first five digits of my phone number, but don't try to call me, I put my phone number in the comment box. comments just below my mailing address for your convenience and yes, before you asked me, my mother's maiden name is Caucasian, but despite all those seemingly strange things, I still feel like I'm pretty clearly the right man for this I work, so my name is Ben Bailey and I'm actually the taxi boy, thank you very much.

I'm the taxi boy. I'll tell you how I know that everyone I saw today told me that. and over and over all afternoon they ran and screamed into my wool like they were sure I'm wandering around wondering who that guy is that I hid there like dots and I don't think he knows better, go over there and tell me. he immediately

stand

up straight and come over make it loud and clear so he listens don't waste a man's time, they do it, they come running, you're the cash cow guy. I say, oh, they know that about me, why are we?

Screaming we're three inches away from each other I can taste your gum and it's delicious, you cut off a little piece and then I grab them and hold them until they start to squirm and then I let them go and they run away, can you imagine? That way they have a good story. I met Cash Cab Katya today, she took the gum out of my mouth and then hugged me. He was awkward to say the least, but I will never forget it. I guess that's what happens when you have a People from TV shows you don't know come up to you all day and tell you the exact same thing over and over again.

I'm not complaining, it's just interesting dealing with people who say the same thing many times. I under

stand

this. one a lot oh my gosh, you're so much bigger than you look on TV. I always say, well, yeah, I mean, how big is your TV lady? Unless you have a nine-foot TV in your house, it will probably be a bit. a little bigger here actually not everything a little bigger here actually these buildings must be scaring you right now no, that's the only one this big here you can actually walk into them it's really remarkable people say that one a lot, you're so much bigger than you look on TV, they say it so often that I'm considering hiring a dwarf who I will dress to look exactly like me, I'll make him walk a little in front of me at all times, people will run towards me. to him and leave, the cash cow guy, and then it will be like you are exactly the same Saturday and for our contact, that's what I'll date a dwarf brother, why won't I pay him to keep joking?

I'm not going to pay him, so people say the same things a lot, they ask me the same questions a lot, they say: Hey, did you have to get a real taxi license to host that show? And I say yes, because I did it and they always make the same joke they think it's brilliant they go well at least you have something to fall back on and I'm like har-har-har-har har-har-har that's absolutely funny. I often sit and chuckle at the thought of losing my TV show and becoming a regular taxi driver, that's the funniest scenario I can think of right now.

Can you imagine the disappointment I would feel if the show was canceled and I was forced to drive a real taxi? make a living, my disappointment would be tremendous, but it would pale in comparison to the disappointment those people who received my text felt because I didn't tell them the show was canceled until the end of the game, they just made up the questions. As we move on, maybe it's true, no matter what they said, wait again sir, this is amazing, few people know that Wisconsin is the capital of Texas, we're going to be very fun and games until we get to where they were going , we only want $1,500 in Cash Town no you didn't show up it's canceled two years you haven't won anything at all in fact you owe me $14 and 80 cents disappointed 70 veto because I would become a bitter asshole if that ever happened yeah I know that I must haz about it so I'm a bit of a strange move.

I received bad news the other day. I found out that I am allergic to people who are lactose intolerant. It is a strange condition. I am lactose intolerant. I just can't tolerate them. people guys farting and complaining I can't drink milk well so I don't have milk why do I have to be a part of this? Can you just eat and drink the things you know? You must leave me completely out of this. Because? I have to be involved in this and I thought: how can it be so wrong and right when my restless legs syndrome is acting up?

Have you heard of restless legs syndrome? Come on, what kind of shit is this? It's true, it's a syndrome. Restless Leg Syndrome. I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome that is much more serious than freaking wavy legs. I'll tell you we're going crazy. Look what happened to me. It's coming to emergency rooms. My legs are just the way the doctors like them. that's really good if the legs move, they stop moving, that's a problem. Cassini didn't know you'd need help. Pharmaceutical companies are just making things up to sell us cures for their legs, let's give them this blue pill, well what?

If they ask questions, well, I don't know, show them a cartoon of a butterfly or something like that, Lexx, let's eat like this, okay, but it does it even if the butterfly takes your stupid medicine, so maybe they're real, they're just exaggerated, I think. Do you know how many people intolerant to Do you think there is lactose in Africa? Not a single one will tolerate all the lactose we can get. So we're up to our necks in lactose here. I can't tolerate all this lactose. We said a lot to Africa, please, they are in Africa, so we will thank lactose, yes, they are Indians in the effort.

There is a huge population of Indians in Africa right now who have gone there in search of lactose, they have just arrived, show us the milk. No? I know it's here, the guy at Cash Cab told us that someone is always offended by my lactose intolerance. A little appears after the shell. Hey, I'm lactose intolerant. I always say: I know you're the one I was talking about, right? Now you know, something else has been pissing me off lately. Google, you know Google, a couple of people have heard of it. They missed you, you guys are like Google, what is Google, Google it and find out that the only way to learn something is to Google it and stuff.

It was okay at first because things were simple, it was like Google was my friend, right, I would say: Hey Google, what do you know about this? and Google would say: well, then this is what I have for you. Things were simple. Google was. My friend, but at some point things changed and Google became that finned anointing that will never let you finish a story because it keeps interrupting you trying to guess the ending before you can get to it right now. I sit down, I type the letter P and Google is like the Pacific Ocean Pacific Ocean the fires of the bottoms and the penises of the urine bag what I am I'm frozen in front of the keyboard can we slow this down a little? doodle what are you in a hurry?

You don't even have anything real we have to be somewhere Google you're everywhere just give me a second let me write this right, it's not the Pacific Ocean. Well, now it's the Pacific Ocean because I don't remember what it was when I started, so thank you very much. Google now I have to learn about the giant, I search for help for two hours, you can't keep your big Google mouth shut and who the hell types urine bags in my Google anyway? Really, who is searching urine bags in my house on my machine without my knowledge or consent? and what information are they looking for, right, if you can spell urine bag, you know all about it, it's a urine bag, a pet bag, a urine bag, that's it, not even the almighty Google can give you additional information about the urine bag, right?

I like information on where to buy this bag now Google I wouldn't want you to just be my friend again Google I used to be a friend now Google thinks it's better than me thinks it knows what I want better than me okay, I sit down, I write something on Google, okay, but do you mean this? Hey, screw you Google, yeah, I didn't mean that, but I think we both know that now, so why don't you give me what you obviously know? Instead of bothering me, I'm looking to show myself half a million websites that made the same stupid typos I just made.

At this point we both know on Google that I'm not researching the city of Philadelphia, so honey, just give me what you know. I'm looking to stop bothering myself because I don't write that well, you're the one who rushed me to get started. I end up learning about things that don't interest me because Google suggests that I typed take flight three. Hours later I am an

accidental

ornithologist

who, without realizing it, studied birds for most of the afternoon. Now I'm googling with binoculars planning a family bird watching trip. Let's try to book a flight to Cleveland.

Thank you very much Google. What am I supposed to do? With all this knowledge about birds, did you know that there is a classification of birds called almost flightless birds? I think it's very funny. All of us, almost flightless birds, think so. These are birds that can barely fly as if they could fly, but just barely. I can fly all they want, but as long as they're up there, we shouldn't be here. You're this close to not being able to do this. Almost flightless birds. Who is inventing these things? We will call them birds. almost flightless pens why isn't that a good point then that's what we have almost flightless birds what are the other completely flightless birds they're just sitting on the beach that's why we're even birds all I can do is walk like a duck and about how he can't fly this sucks make me a rodent call me what I am I don't want to be heard if I can't fly well completely no flight almost no flight almost

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flight has to be next I think that's probably the one worst of all, okay, these are birds that can almost fly, okay, they can't fly, but they are close, they don't know they will never make it, so they will spend their entire lives running and jumping, so what should we do? be almost in cycle I prefer to be completely violet, it's the same without false hope, okay, then of course there is completely flight for the birds all the way up, just a group of elitist birds.

I think they are better than everyone else at flying. around with attitude looking down at all the other birds like almost almost in flight 'almost

full

buddy, why don't you carry that for me? I always wonder if other animals are jealous of birds, not because birds can fly but because we build houses for them. You know what I mean, like a squirrel, it must look at a birdhouse and be thinking, you've got to be kidding me. Really human, they really can fly now. They have a huge advantage over everyone else in the animal kingdom. Yes, you are going to provide them. with a free house thank you very much I'm a squirrel I have all these nuts not a word you're going to build a 20 room hotel on a stick for campers where do you think my nuts will be in the morning?

Now there is a question every man should ask himself before leaving the house at night. Look closely here. How do you think my eggs will be in the morning? Well, if all goes well, they'll be right where they are now and a little clearer. like finally a sex joke all these birds birds birds birds you have learned enough about birds I'm tired of being lectured about nature I had something strange along the way Have you ever had one of those awkward little moments with someone you don't No I know, those are some of my favorite things in the world.

Do you ever do this? Do you ever end a conversation with a stranger too soon and then realize that you are going to walk into theloudly, you'll wake up the man in the wide car and we'll all happily set off immediately to make things even worse. The electrician and his horn have impeccable timing. They are just as good. Like the owl, if not a little better, he will only honk if I've just started talking, which means I have to stop talking and start again, so I'm talking. I'm located in the city center, what's this guy's problem?

Let's try that. again located in the center of the city, I try to get one in real quick before we could honk, like I looked at it in the center of the city wrong and then that little fuse in my head shorted now everything is different now There is no Third Avenue, there is no hospital, no pipeline, no amusement park, there is nothing, it's just me and the electrician, so I think I'm going to roll down the window. I know another bird, this one can't fly. I wish I could fly off the end of my arm and hit him in the nose. and he flies back, but he can't, so I just hold him there long and steady.

I'm sure you see it. Not only does this not stop the horn, but an already powerful horn seems to somehow be gaining strength from the previous finger gesture. It was like a ferret. It was like now. I move back and forth singing a crazy little song in my head. I'm going to kill you and then the horn stops. I'm like, oh my god, it worked and like, I'm pulling my hand back I see in the mirror that the electrician is now getting out of his truck, he's walking towards the taxi at a healthy pace I don't think he's coming to say hello, I really love your show, TRUE?

He walks like this, so I have been in a situation like this just now and I stayed in the taxi now. If you've never been in a road rage altercation situation, take it sitting down and buttoned up with your face and a big hole. perfect punch height, it's just no way to start a street fight, we'll actually just keep it going for the grand opening like at the County Fair / until you remember he's complaining, so I've been there before, he didn't finish that way. but it could have been like that, I remember it and I see it coming and something bad is happening to my dad again.

I throw the taxi into the parking lot. I'm running now. I'm the last guy you expected to see flying out of the driver's seat of a New York City Taxi Cab, right, you're expecting a much smaller guy from the Middle East, but not six and a half feet. Me with my Marine Corps haircut. 200 episodes of repressed road rage from Cash Cab. Do you know how many people can go down without using it? his screams buddy, you know, then he sees me coming and immediately walks away, hey, hey, big scary man, you were doing that nonsense that you and I yelled before my feet hit the street, the microphone is a fucking jam of traffic.

No one is going anywhere no matter what you know, so why are you okay? He shuts the fuck up and then says he's leaving. You're crazy and then I'm leaving. I know you and your horn made me this way, so accept it. He says. I'll call you. The cops, I'm like you came out to kick my ass and now you're calling the cops and what he doesn't know is that while he was sitting right behind me, right behind him was the Cash Cab truck and there were eight guys. There one of them is a New York City police officer, he has a gun and his job description is to protect Ben Bailey, so I'm arguing with this guy in the middle of Third Avenue and they're lined up right behind him. him as a team photo. in a high school yearbook like two rows of guys with their arms crossed and he says: I'm going to call the police and ask them: why don't you save yourself some time and turn around and talk to the police What is standing on the right? behind you who works for me and it makes him stagger now it's like going back to some driver's instruction course he just starts saying never get out of the truck never get out of the truck he finally gets the courage to turn around I mean, en Scared, right, you wonder: how could this strange taxi driver have a group of police already after me? 11 seconds have passed.

This is crazy, so he doesn't know what to do. Finally he works up the courage to turn around and slowly turns around. there they are all right behind him, no one says a word, he just looks at him like he really is and everyone just looks at him like if, and that's enough for him, he dives back into his truck, closes the door and locks it. . by Stanley Miller, Third Avenue is still looking at him, he doesn't want to look, he's looking at the passenger seat 70, very interesting, the leather surface of that passenger seat, Tony, the policeman, walks slowly towards me and stands next to me. my side, leans. very close and says what the hell is wrong with you, he gets even closer, he says you're a game show host and I swear that's the first moment it occurred to me that I'm actually a game show host. of games that no one sees.

That one coming up is also the time I remember there's a couple in the back seat of the Cash Cab right in the middle of a game, so you turn around and look and they're like noses in the window, this is the best show I've ever had. . I've seen it before, so I don't know what to do. I'm kind of humbled and excited. I walk slowly towards the taxi and open the door. I go up and sit down or you have $600. You have 23 blocks left. Here is your mobile phone. shadow, you used your mobile message but you still have your Street message, don't forget, here's your next question for a hundred dollars, but first you have $600 and we're stuck at a red light and that activates.

Thank you so much. everyone thanks you