Christopher Titus • 5th Annual End of the World Tour • Full Show

Oh, Christopher Titus, what's up? Well, on August 25, 2001, my wife gave birth to our first child, thank you. On September 11, 2001 I realized how bad my timing is and in the five years my son has been alive, all hell has broken loose on planet Earth and me. I don't blame my daughter for everything I hope it's a coincidence terrorism war diseases we can't cure hurricanes tsunamis spinach France is the end of the

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people it's an Armageddon checklist Pope John Paul didn't die before embarkation and if you have children, you have fear. I have kids, man, yeah, every night the news tells me that little kids on the street will be robbed like convertible car stereos.

When I arrived, I don't know what to do, I bought a Rottweiler. Staple them both until they are 18, there you go, shut up, daddy says ride the dog, we have new diseases every week. Do you even remember the illnesses before 9/11 from 9/11? SARS, monkeypox, what my two children think or a sweet breakfast cereal mad cow disease Now I have to be afraid of cows and Canadian cows. I feel like a cat. Yes, when did they become lions, tigers and cows? Oh my God, they have the bird flu, the hantavirus, the mosquito virus, it wiped out the animal kingdom!

We have a meeting, who is tired of being fed and clothed? Anyone else, the cows get involved. Wow, the cow is a man and our priorities are ruined. Five years we still can't catch Osama bin Laden, but in those five years we caught Martha Stewart and Barry. Bonds ass against the wall the

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's worst terrorist is still hauling his dialysis machines or a Pakistani shopping mall right now, but the mat's mission, the Slugger idiot, won't bother us again. Prince Charles married Mick Jagger. What's going on? And things are so screwed up that we're accepting things we shouldn't be accepting this year.

This is the antidepressant Paxil that causes suicide in many people. Let me tell you, again the antidepressant Paxil causes suicide, so if you're depressed, you take a Paxil and you'll feel it. much better and then blow your brains out, but the suicide note will inspire all the little eyes dotted with little hearts, you know, goodbye, happy faces in the O, spinach is deadly, Popeyes, a lion's prey, it's the end of the world. The Amish are getting shot. no one makes their own butter they should have a bullet in them how are you doing Zeki I'm pretty good jebediah it smells like a car and now we're spending 400 billion dollars on the war to help Iraq and the Iraqis seem very grateful don't they, How do you explain that to your children?

Well, honey, some cultures won't turn mean to some people with a Pinto means thank you for the freedom 400 billion we call one guy. Could we send Saddam a mad cow burger and a paxil? and we're done, 400 billion, we have to spend that money here, except you can't trust anyone here either two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, a 22 year old homeless Vietnam vet asked me for a dollar , but yeah, man. Here is the book. I know Danang was crazy and then he skateboarded. Is it the end of the world. You realize that when you have children you are going to teach them things that we never had to learn.

Don't open the mail. Anthrax, don't talk to the mailman because he needs an ex and don't go to any four-story building because I'm 18 years old. A mother put my crashed 747 there. I have five years of my daughter. She now she asks me questions. I don't know what to tell you, honey, I don't know, I don't know why to include them. I spent ten years releasing better albums with Justin Timberlake. Why is there war? Do you know what you do when you eat your own poop? You're talking about that, okay, this right here was because we

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ed that there were weapons, masterful proof that Saddam was directly connected to 9/11, well at least it only lasted six months.

That's right, our president is an oilman from Texas and we are paying $3 a gallon and my daughter is too smart, she understands it seeing how she understands it, she thought she would have it, so I have a smart son that I don't want. I'm going to start feeding a smart girl or LED paint chips just to knock her down. I knew she was smart when she had one though because she didn't want to watch reality

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s. She's gone, just go. She's smarter than me. I watch reality shows. My God. the human drama that plays out live in front of me that a producer created, that she only sees people eating bugs for money and something she got beat up for two days before, reality shows are the end of the world, people fears the factors in the union that we are seeing people eat the same damn bus again people wonder why our children are getting fat, maybe it's because we're all sitting on the couch at home watching other people play games cards on television, we can continue playing cards ourselves, yes I have. cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.

Martha Stewart is a convicted felon and they get her another job in television. Whats Next? Scott Peterson and the world's fishing hour, husbands and wives kill each other. Oh my God, everything is happening. the time a man a couple of months ago shot his wife at a domestic violence center. I think they need to clarify the sign. The minister's wife shot him in the back with a shotgun. I guess it does work in a mysterious way. A guy in Utah killed his wife. I need Mark Hacking stabbed his wife by the way, the lady's little advice, don't marry a guy named Hacking or Stab or mix Shootie, he's a bad man too and it's happening all the time we thought Oh Jay was a By chance, it turns out that Oh Jay was a trendsetter.

Come on, we're looking for Peterson Robert Blake, who got excited about the I couldn't have shot him. I left my gun in the defense of the restaurant. What is the jury in the jury box with a big helmet in not guilty? I think they even care to mention that he was taking Genesis. and I get it, we've all been in long term relationships and we've all thought about killing the other person just for a second, he was on the stairs in front of you and you said oh no, I'm fine, go ahead. I know my wife thinks a lot about killing me, but she always turns the car around, she takes the shovels and plastic sheets to Home Depot.

Who among us can say that she hasn't bought the concrete to weigh the body? Who, but not you? use it you went home you calmed down you fixed the driveway and it's bad enough these guys kill their wives isn't it worse? the lawyers these lawyers are amazing Peterson's lawyer was brilliant this guy Scott wasn't really trying to escape to Mexico counselor so why would he look like the Hispanic eminence when he was in the pool? Who is dating Aquaman? Because I've been in port for ten weeks straight. My hair never got lighter. He wasn't going to Mexico, sir, they caught him at the border ten. great this pocket english spanish dictionary in this pocket we are in a serape and holding a leaf blower and this is the reason I mention it because the media calls me VIPRE to grab anything that is stupid and just kill us hit with that. and the thing is you're just watching TV but your kids are sitting with your nieces and nephews and then at the end the Petersons test my daughter, she turns to me and says daddy, are you going to kill mommy, honey, Does that depend on mommy?

It's funny to me, our media is out of control. Everything is always something stupid. The Terri Schiavo thing was crazy and she was on TV for 14 years or however long she would let me. My daughter turned to me in the middle of it all and said, "Dad, what's wrong?" It happens to this woman, well, honey, she's brain dead, her brain doesn't work anymore, you mean Uncle Rudi, no, honey, Uncle Rudy takes Thorazine, paxil, marijuana and Merlot. I am so glad our government has finally decided to get directly involved in our family. The deal and the Terri Schiavo thing pissed me off because it was based on one thing: there weren't enough witnesses for what Terri wanted, so my three hundred witnesses tonight, let's be very clear, if I'm ever brain dead, kill Titus if I can't control the fluid spilling out of my own orifices please kill Titus if I don't know, let's choose which diapers I would like to be changed, for the love of God, kill Titus unless it's really fun, if I'm okay and you Enjoy that, God bless you.

You filmed a movie and dressed me like a Viking. I don't care and you know I don't care because I'm brain dead and then when you're done laughing at me, kill Titus and don't let me die a slow, horrible death. Pulling on my feeding tube I want to tape my ass to a motorcycle and break Evel Knievel's jumping record. I want to go out big. I want to be brain dead about the Snake River Canyon ring and please film it for my family. can i make some money off the dvd i would like to be called killing

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with 30 minutes of bonus footage made you laugh like a girl there it is our government is lost in my geography i went back to work on easter sunday to deal with the debacle by Terri Schiavo What happened to our government?

I went and our president, by the way, like him or hate him, has to admit that President Bush, I said, the toughest presidency since Lincoln, this man has to open the newspaper every day and just say Wow duh, there was a The hurricane canceled my spinach salad and my trip to Amish country and throughout history, great hardships have created great leadership in this man's case, he has created a Special Olympics honorable mention. You know that his presidents are in bad shape and the only way to get his attention away is five. years is for the vice president to shoot a friend in the face, hey Paul, you're going to have to take them to the team and he keeps talking about them.

This is what is driving me crazy late, he keeps talking about the mood, he only mentions the moon once in a while. a while in the middle of the speech no kid was left behind lunar program what was he talking about and he keeps bringing an Ikea my first thought was oh my god he forgot we heard you went to the moon like things were going so bad rack boy he looked out the window one day I'm going to go there I don't like it here anymore it's not very difficult here anymore did you read the newspaper?

So it turns out we have to go to the movies we have to go to Mars we have to go to Mars we spent three billion dollars on this RadioShack remote control car we landed on Mars and while he was moving I discovered his mud because I guess there's a coming shorter mud that, frankly, we're not ready for. I know we ever need land and water mixed just a hop and a billion miles away and he wants to put a colony on the moon. Good idea, a colon enema, of course, how will we get there, buddy.

Space shuttle, we've flown two of them. ten now the last one that worked the gas gauge was broken yeah, how does it feel to be that astronaut you already know, they flew through the air, you're a big shot, you're on the launch pad, you ready to go? look down houston we got a problem up here yeah i moved it and then a gigolo while my ass opens a hatch right now. I'm taking a Vega 71 to the moon to get a damn space shuttle. Do you know that I found this myself? The space shuttle was actually designed in 1971, you know what that means, on the space shuttle there's an avocado cooler and an 8-track Doobie Brothers, but that shag rug looks like a whore in scratch, made in 1971, right?

Is it time to decipher RMD's book? on the shuttle you know why because I have a shampoo in my house right now that fixes my hair on a molecular level a razor with four blades if I move too fast it will cut my head off can we please give the shuttle a little pinch? It goes 12,000 miles per hour The bathroom in my house goes at zero miles per hour but the tiles fall off Does anyone here want to be an astronaut if the emergency repair kit on the shuttle is grout and a caulking gun? I have a problem with the stabilizer.

I got it, it's like if Google ran NASA, man, if Google ran passively, it'll work, man, it's not up to NASA to step up or step aside, man. I think my dad, you, sales, I'm going to step forward or step aside, you don't understand how. How much are you willing to do something about it, yeah of course, my dad always said that while you were sitting on that one, his butt on the couch drinking a beer, yelling at me for not mowing the grass, watch you come over and mow it, wow , that was. a cigarette now I'm a pirate and why are we spacing anyone out anyway?

What the hell are we doing in space? When we paid, we Velcroed and walked away, didn't we kick the spaces butt in the 60's? We land. one thing on the moon plant a flag on the moon claim the moon for America not a shot, wait, wait, not a shot, we're Americans, that confuses us, no, don't get me wrong, we'll take you to the landing, but first we have to kicking someone's ass, that's why I think our space program was ruined.I say you want to fix a space program, we need an enemy on the moon and we invented one in Iraq, let's invent one on the moon personally.

I would do it. I'd like to send the French, and by the way, I'm not just jumping on the Hate France train. I'm going to try to jump the bomb, but it was

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, that's how bad the French are. The European Union is trying to unite as one trade. block France is the only country that did not sign the agreement no, we will not sign a piece of pepper we do not play with others well, look at my ass while I walk away from you okay, okay France, you don't play in our Sandbox, you won't be on our team.

Good moons, all yours, they still hate us, although given the movie, they would live there. Thanks for the dumb American moon joke. Look at Americans how they think they are so calm. there with our dogs and the amber girls wearing their theater, but we have the moon, ah, they could unban us right here, don't you think it's a laser, yes, that's a laser and you better put some sleeves on Face it, we are people at war, this country has not improved economically or technologically unless we were kicking someone's ass and you know what it has made us the strongest damn country on planet Earth, yes, but it has also caused some internal problems because some of those people that we fooled live here now because I have these two kids I'm trying to make the world better I'm trying to figure it out, man how can we make it better?

I can't forget how we are all biologically the same none of us can get along I started with the basics I tried to understand white people and black people don't get along sometimes it turns out the problem is who this white man is I read some books in the head we can be idiots man now we need meat he's like a whitey or something man because I read a thousand years of history and frankly I'm embarrassed to call myself peckerwood. I no longer tell people I'm white. I'm albino Cambodian and I hear this a lot, especially in California.

Oh, there's no more racism, it's really okay, there's a man asking you a question. Why do people have black people if you're telling a joke and the group of people you're telling the joke to are the exact same color as you? You just make the joke fly no matter what is right, but if one person in that group turns out to be a negative picture of the rest of you. They have to run that joke through some filters. No? And I'm going to make the man feel like I'm going to get punched in the face. The gardener is that guy holding a Glock Nine Filler joke times are no longer funny for white people listen I found this in my studies there are white jokes that I know and ladies and gentlemen these jokes are hard I know because none of my black friends would say anything to me. of them and I came back, come on, just give me one, oh man, you don't want to hear it, I really signed the waiver legally.

I can't tell you the joke, you know, those jokes are so hard and funny because they were 400 years old. writing those jokes and there's a problem here right now the problem is why I'm back here right now and it's about white people quote every white person in our country knows what our ancestors did, now we're wrong, horrible, vicious and brutal, it wasn't the Thing is, what happened is so outrageous, frankly, none of us know what to say about it, man, how do you apologize for a faux pas like that 400 year old one? Oops, my bad just doesn't cover my black trans bondage ring, I can.

I'm not even talking, yeah, you guys know I wasn't there, come on, let's shoot some hoops, it's not like you're predisposed to shooting hoops, oh God, don't beat me up, please don't beat me up , many white people do it. I'm afraid I'll have to write a big check, but I did some research and found that many Black leaders have said they don't care about reparations as much as they wish someone would step forward and issue a formal apology. That's fair. It is not like that, and I believe that one man can make a difference. If a man took 100% responsibility, the healing could begin.

Go do it. There are some people right behind you. Mack. Okay, why did I get it? Good evening, black people, first of all, can. I say you're right, you dance better than us, but on the other hand I also love chicken now that we've found something in common. Except Allah, slavery was my fault, stupid, stupid, stupid. I thought it was going to be a fun trip. We're going to Africa, but all we brought was beer and no women, so when we got there we were just hungover and angry and then all hell broke loose. I apologized, we should have brought plants, but we had this country to build and we needed help, we could use the Indians to help us, but we killed the Indians.

I also love whiskey and I hate litter on the motorway and I apologize, but we white people get excited mamak, oh no, from England, we are free. we have our religion we go to this new country there is no one there was a man standing on the beach with a fetish in his hair who is that guy wait wait he's wearing a loincloth smoking a pipe he's probably on drugs no no let him keep smoking because Then he won't care if we took your whole country, idiot, sorry Indians, we didn't mean for it to happen like it happened to us, it was like going to a high school party at someone's house and their parents weren't there. town, we had no intention of trashing the place, but the football team was doing meth and Indians.

I promise to make it up to you at least once a year by losing $1,000 at your lovely casinos, why do we take your entire country, OMG? we took everything man, at least we got to leave Texas, I mean hell we cleaned out all the Mexicans, paedon the Mexicans, very sorry, so I didn't know if the hell we were fighting so hard for Texas, anyway, someone here has been in Texas, Texas. one hell of a house had dirt, cacti, lizards, dirt, cacti, the Bush family, dirt, it's not like we're fighting over Colorado again. The Indians are really sorry about Colorado, they can't want to tell the Japanese who else you know about the bomb and the internment camps.

Guys, start with a dad, hey, we were chilling in Hawaii and all hell broke loose. I admit that I exaggerated, but look now how with the plasma television and the Toyota Prius. I think someone deserves a thank you. You're welcome, so every People race here tonight, that white guy has gone crazy. I sincerely apologize for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the smallpox blankets, for the Jim Crow laws. our children and their children at three I will be an audience of white prisoners to say "why eight and I apologize one, two, three?

I'm going to cry, that was beautiful, man, that was good, you will see me open the door a little "so beautiful." anthem, by the way, if you're not white, you should probably accept our apology because you saw how quickly we organized. There are two minutes about what we really need is two beers and an idea. I wrote that Biggs, I have children. Now, by the way, I didn't have a flying rat's ass on this earth before I had kids. She only wrote jokes, jokes like this, hey, she's coming, dr. Adkins died slipped on some ice hit his head died on life support the man then the all meat diet event died of vegetables that's a really good joke that looks like a reliable minivan not inspiring and then I had these kids I remember having woke up one day and realize the fact that my daughter is learning her terrorist alert rainbow colors oh no she thinks Winnie the Pooh is a medium threat she comes every morning for a briefing now dad likes it today well , it's Elmo day, honey put your little pink bulletproof Barbie Kevlar vest on your Scooby-Doo gas mask, come on, where's my cute pony duct tape?

Damn, this isn't a game and by the way, I'm not kidding, that Trek color thing screwed me over. Daughter, she is a little girl, she is learning honey, what color is so high? I shouldn't have had kids, I freely admit it, I'm a man, I shouldn't have had kids, but before I had kids I was that guy on the plane I just hated them, you know, you got a screaming kid, excuse me sir, those little pillows. They fit right over a three year old fan, oh he's a little angel, now any look is the same blue as the sea, were you really into that? a lunch, Jay's going to see a lifetime and then I had something I thought they loved them in their grave, but man, it's just you know and your first kid for a guy is amazing, your first kid is like your first car, you love it, you can.

I don't think you have it, but you're going to put some dents in it. Child Services likes it when they find out your baby has bondo covering a bump, shut up honey, if I go ahead to move again, just shut up, I didn't drop her. In fact, I don't think sleeping with someone qualifies you to be a parent because we've all been to Walmart and you see those little bastards running around like fingers. I want to punch his father in the throat. Those are my children. I'm not a good man, I think, I think if you want a child in this society right now you should have to go to a parenting class before you have one or if I could have rented one for two years, you know, I just rented him a dress.

Put on a baby hat and tell me everything you know. I paid good money. I'll be making a mistake about midgets getting screwed in America every day. You've seen him working at the mall, not because of all the counters in that store. I'll do it, there are no Starbucks midgets, have you ever seen that? Can I get your latte? I was doing the show for Comedy Central last year and then we had some actresses in a guy, Deborah Kerr. I'm going to imagine it, so on the radio when they talk about it and I keep saying the word and this angry guy calls because everyone is fine, they live at ass level, I think you would be too, so he calls, that's what caused it and he is so angry and says hey. well, he said Wow, say the word is like saying n-word, is it really?

I don't know because I don't remember the time in our nation's history when we took a bunch of boats to the land of the munchkin to take them to the top with dwarves who brought them. back I mean picking cotton for 400 years even though cotton is so high so it's a much better idea Franklin that's right yeah guys with who and then you're like wait we're being haha ​​and by the way , if there is anyone in the audience tonight. I'm white and I apologize. I'm not a good man. I'm not good. I know it was a three-month-old little boy because my wife gave birth.

He was hung up on Buddy Chipper, but his house has been up and running, building some hot rods and us. He has his ten-month-old son Brock with ism Brock is not that little Walker they give them but he doesn't have wheels he has balls is that the best way to teach a child to look is, by the way, Brock. It's seven o'clock now it seems like it's banged up all the time so we're working on the car we're checking the rocks we're working on the car and checking our luck and we're checking them every eight ten minutes how many problems Can you get in in eight 10 minutes?

Now I know, it's okay and some people build their houses in the Hills and it's not my fault, so working on the car, checking on Brock, we're going to really like it in the middle of working on the car. we heard this noise and on top of that noise the best I can describe it is a terrified cooing and we both look up and Brockett found the garage door moments before and now he's going down this hundred foot driveway at about 35 miles an hour and that little Lo Walker's is just hanging around and you can see by the look on Brock Chase's face every time he comes over that that wasn't intentional and some people put gravel at the end of their driveways and it's not my fault those little balls hit the gravel that they stopped.

A really fast man goes against the laws of physics and mathematics and, as they say at NASA, a rock was thrown and you could see from the trajectory that re-entry was going to be a problem because it hit the ground and was done. a ball when it stopped. The man looks like someone. I rolled them in chocolate chips and I tip myself when I turn to each other and say this is what happened and I know I didn't learn anything from that incident why my daughter was four months old I started throwing up there and catching her because by the way , ladies All the guys you know will do this because we don't know what to do with something that's small, it's smaller than a bread box, it's not a remote control, I have to be able to throw it, so I throw a flashy object, she says and never I think, uh.

She loves it, so I started earning. I'm raising an X Games baby. She nicknamed her Hangtown and this continued for ten and eleven months. Now he is learning the language quite well. We had dinner at my house. All my friends. Oh, and I want to. show my friends how cool my daughter is because, well, she's some distillation of a baby, now I pick her up and say, I got, I got, I got, and when I catch her, she looks me right in the face and she gets rid of everyone my friends and says no. She is speaking very well, isn't she?

I've been terrifying her like a man here said something. I have two children I have two children and a half youthrown before the camera to the captain for four days on the morning of the fourth day at 7:00 a.m. m. I receive a phone call and that is literally how I hear that my father passed away. Pick the guy on the phone, says Mr. Titus Newark Police Department, his father's death is a little difficult, right? I know a lot of comedians and it sounded really strange the way he said it. I said, okay, Parker, who is this, sir?

I'm Nick, please run when his father is dead, no. Call me and even though we've been waiting for it for a long time, you're never ready for something like this and my brain broke and I went into denial and I said push him and there was a very long pause and the cop said excuse me and I told him to give him a knock, I could be with you and there was a much longer pause, sir, we've given you a knock, you're not with us and then I said something that sounded really bad and I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

I said he is a Viper. It's okay because I thought he gave her the death car. I thought she had fallen off a cliff. I wrapped myself around a tree. I thought it was my fault, but the cop didn't hear that part. "Sir, his car is fine again, it's yours." Dad who is dead, should I push the car, sir, so I pick up the sprout on my head going down the mountain? I have to admit this. I had mixed emotions, but although my dad and I fought his entire life, the last five years of his life we ​​were best friends.

I was sad, I was also very angry because he knew very well that he wouldn't be able to get the deposit back on the ski condo that I rented him for a week, you know, it was like it was the last fu for me, well, your dad has a terminal heart problem. and You're not going to be skinless for long, so I show up at the house, the whole family is here and I'm the oldest kid. I have to plan the funeral, so I go down to the funeral home but I take my brother, my sister, my my sister Shannon is here, my brother comes out here and sits in front of the funeral and me, the kids, they consult me, they have so much or They make a lot of money, you guys, I'm sitting at an $8,000 mahogany desk, the guy has a $3,000 haircut for $85, perfect funeral. boy, he goes mr.

Tyler, we are so sorry for your loss. Did your father have any specific wishes about how he wanted to go? I look at my system before she can say a word, she says, you tell him and the man knows I have a TV show so I show him the most expensive coffins they make, he showed me. I'm not making this up. A $17,000 platinum coffin with a DVD player. Yes, it's on the display cover. There's some kind of screen in the headrest where you can slide a DVD and play a tribute video to the In fact, there's a person in the coffin and all I can think about is Oh my God, my family is going to fight over that player. of DVD.

I said no, that's nice, but my dad didn't want to be buried in something metal or wood. Do you have anything corrugated? Forgive me. Mr. cardboard, excuse me, cardboard, my father said he wanted to bury the cardboard box and the man had obviously never heard this phrase before from his man because his face went into an epileptic fit, frankly, he looked like he knew, but he is with him and with my brother. Dave tries to help, but then he says, hey, hey, I don't like the refrigerator box, something nice and my sister loses it and you ever tell someone something, you ever tell someone something they didn't want to hear and they decide that you didn't see it, he just Pushes the expensive coffin because I get the mold from Walmart, which starts flipping through that.

I'm going to no, no, we get to the cheapest cash game, which is basically a slatted box with Home Depot burned on the side and me. I got angry, I said, look, my father said he wanted to be buried in a cardboard box, then we'll talk about the cover charge and he bowed. We are receiving a signal. I can give you a rental casket, which my brother Dave says who. I brought it back, which, by the way, is a great question, but the guy puts that savory look on his face again and says, "No, "We have two coffins for situations like this, looking at me like the cheapest bastard in the room, well, the end of the coffin." It opens, we take your dad, put him in a cardboard liner, slide it in and close the end, so now my dad is in this huge PEZ dispenser.

Great, we had the funeral and my dad's best friend, Bob, said to me, Titus, that was the best. of the worst funeral I have ever attended because number one standing regally packed against the walls, we made about $2,000 at the door and everyone got up and talked about a story about my father, not nonsense, this was the best man ever ever existed, here's one of The stories that they still go to houseboats every year and now what we do is drink all day with a group of fellow firefighters that my father clung to were firefighters because he smoked in bed, They fell asleep in the upper part of the house, but at night and during the night.

They started peeing in the boat, you know, in the head they just peed on the top of the lake, well, one night, my dad gets up eight times and hits everyone outside the boat like eight times and in the morning next they get the Okumura and urinating all night my father had been urinating from the top of the houseboat in the driver's seat of his house bo has a beautiful and beautiful story and there were ten stories like that man's so here is the funeral hysterical after crying hysterical after crying and it was beautiful and offensive and perfect and I think it's illegal and then it was over and everyone went home and it was just me and my dad so I peed on him but now I'm scared because I have to find a prostitute, you know, and if I'm asking normal questions, it's going to be weird, but I'll get out of the Cardinale.

You know, I have the whole family coming out after me. Everyone cries. I have an urn and a bottle of Duke. Lola, is that right? We want something. a little strange and I couldn't get through it. I called my brothers since we had a meeting without idiots. I said I'm not going to do this, so it came with a compromise. They could steal my father's honor, so this is what we did. We took Avinash distributed them in various Victoria Secret dressing rooms around the country, the rest of his Ashley the Caesars Palace in Lake Tahoe, Nevada, because my dad was a big gamer, he was one of those dads who had a little quart jar which she had filled with a courtesan's blouse.

On top of that, you take his little jar to the casino, you know, and then you take like 10 grand out of the bank and the casinos have a lot of rules, one of the rules is don't scatter your dad's ashes among the Patriots in the casino, so my brother. My sister and I walked into Caesars Palace at 7:00 p.m. Saturday night my pockets are

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and I walked to the back of the casino. I understand that it goes to the other side and I start walking down. I start to show my father. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound is. ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.

I hit seven like me and I get to the end of the hallway thinking no one saw me I'm fine I look back I'm leaving a trail of smoke behind me like I'm a jeep crossing the Kalahari desert and the whole casino is there What's distracting them is my Sister Shannon, who is much crazier than me, grabs a handful of my dad walks over to a packed blackjack table and turns into pixie dust and now this cloud is hanging over him and the pit bosses start walking over. I'm just with the rug man I don't know what to do man I'm frozen I'm going crazy man and this is the strangest thing I've ever been involved in I've been involved with a pretty strange man and I couldn't move I thought I was having a stroke, my heart was pounding and the sound was gone and I swear.

The only thing I could hear was my dad laughing hysterically and I knew he was there because if the cloud settled, parts of him would fall into people's drinks, he would signal me, the dealer would be right in front of me, he would put down a deck of cards. black and an entire table was lost. oh my gosh, he's here right now, that's what happened to him every time, that's why I went to Community College. The worst part is my dad died two weeks before he died, my wife told him she was pregnant with our daughter, yeah good timing idiot dad what did you do? say my whole life huh, you better not have a son, you're probably you'd kill him, no, you didn't feed the dog when you were seven, that's going to happen, your son you'll need a big ball to raise a kid, Curnutt. turning that child into an adult is not right and what happened, huh, what else did you shove up my ass my whole life? uh, step forward or step aside, well, step forward or step aside and what happened, huh? you're not here, you stepped aside, that means I took a funny step, okay, ready, Kenny, come here, grandpa wants me to tell you something, come here little guy, give me some commitment, listen, look , I'm just your dad, okay, I'm not a superhero I can't even climb Buckingham Palace and I can't stop some idiot from crashing a plane into a building and blowing up a bus.

I can only be your father and give you some pure truths. Duct tape number one will save your life. Tupac number two is alive but I need you to keep him on the disabled list because Suge number three and this is the most important one don't be afraid of anything except the TV news because they lie to you every night and don't be afraid of failure , be like your father. I don't fail. I made it. Find what doesn't work. The one in the middle. Do not be afraid. The world is ending. You can't because you're here now and I.

I promise I'll get up every day and fight to make sure you have as many birthdays as you're supposed to, but I'm going to need you to get up and fight with me, okay dad, it's all thanks guys.