Wonder Woman 1984 - A Ridiculous Disaster

You know when you get proven rights to something, but in retrospect you wish you hadn't met me, especially now that I've suffered through two and a half hours of Wonder Woman

1984

and have come to the conclusion that this movie is just as bad as I predicted, the Warning signs were there right in the first trailer drenched in over-the-top '80s nostalgia and not much else, it was enough to give me a bad feeling about the film's prospects. See, there it is, then came the rumors of disastrous test screenings. by hasty retakes and, if that weren't bad enough, we were hit by an unspecified virus of unknown origin that transformed our homes into our personal prisons, except we had to protect ourselves and provide our own meals and, most importantly , we couldn't go.

The Warner Brothers ultimately made the decision to release this movie on HBO Max as some sort of dirty secret that they were forced to grudgingly admit, and believe me, I can see why Wonder Woman

1984

is such a bad cinematic

disaster

that it almost made justice league look good is a long, cheesy, self-indulgent, confusing, confusing, and ultimately useless mess that accomplishes absolutely nothing a movie that cost over $200 million to make but somehow manages to look cheaper and more amateur than your average comic book TV show, in short, it's pretty much the rotting cherry on top of the chocolate-covered cake that is 20 20. and when I think about it, I guess it's an appropriate way to round out my movie reviews for the year anyway.

So the film begins with a flashback to Diana's childhood in Thermiskira, where the Amazons spend their days preparing to one day get their butts kicked by Steppenwolf. Anyway, the elite warriors have to navigate a comically complicated obstacle course to determine who it will be. the best horse

woman

of all time and for some reason Diana is allowed to compete against them. I would like to point out that at this moment she is about 10 years old. The whole sequence is tedious and

ridiculous

and goes on forever, which I suppose is a pretty good microcosm of the movie as a whole, the point is that Diana stays behind and takes a shortcut to regain the lead, which which provides an excuse for a really clunky lecture on the dangers of taking the shortest, easiest path to success.

I

wonder

if that might be relevant later. We can't wait to get to the year of Our Lord 1984 and Diana has made a new life for herself in a cartoonish and comical version of Washington DC. Anyway, a gang of thieves goes to the local mall and robs a jewelry store that turns out to be some kind of front for illegal antiques trafficking, but then Diana shows up in full Wonder Woman armor and foils their dastardly plot with a scene. of lazy fighting that isn't even a patch on anything from the first movie, seriously, these special effects were done in the 80s too.

Didn't they basically disappear after WWI? I thought that was the point of her character in Batman v Superman, that Bruce had to piece together the clues to her true identity, now she's just stomping around in costume, thwarting criminals, saving innocent civilians, and basically doing all the things she wants. she claimed not to have done later, a hundred years ago, I walked away from humanity from the century of horrors. I also love how she still uses the name Diana Prince like no one today thinks to question how this

woman

hasn't. she aged one day in 30 years Jesus, even Highlander was smart enough to find a solution for this.

Anyway, one of the items recovered from the thieves is this strange gemstone dildo that no one can identify. That's when this insufferable comes into play. This is Barbara, but. from now on I'll just call her kirsten wigg because she's basically a female seth rogen right now playing the exact same character in every movie she appears in, in this case she's a dimwitted, socially awkward idiot that everyone overlooks because she's too Shy and Raton To be fair, if I worked in the same building as Gal Gadot, I don't think I would pay much attention to Kirsten Wig either, but Kirsten Wiggs certainly notices Diana, who basically represents everything she wishes she were, hmmm, I asked.

If that becomes relevant later, it is around this time that we meet the antagonist of the story, this being Max Lord, a flashy and relentlessly self-promoting oil tycoon who seems to have an interest in the dildo stone too anyway, not everything is as it is. what it seems With Max, his appearance of success and wealth is just a farce, his office is empty, his oil wells are dry, and his finances are non-existent. He is nothing more than a pretender trying to fake his way to success and now he is on the brink of ruin. If only there was a way to change their luck, meanwhile, Kristen Wiig discovers that the dildo stone is actually a dream stone that's supposed to grant a wish to whoever uses it, so naturally, she and Diana they end up using the dildo stone even though neither of them believe in its power kirsten wig wishes to be like diana while diana wishes to meet with steve trevor remember it and wouldn't you know it they both fulfill their wish kirsten wiggs suddenly becomes confident, Outgoing and attractive, she can charm anyone and when she goes to the gym and discovers that she can lift huge weights without any effort.

Diana, on the other hand, is at a party one night when a man approaches her claiming to be Steve. It's a little strange to explain this, so bear with me. The best way to say this is to say that Steve's consciousness is somehow downloaded into another man's body, but we can see him through Diana's eyes, so he basically looks exactly like Chris Pine, the point is that Steve is alive again and Diana begins to suspect that the dildo Unfortunately, Stone was responsible before he can get his hands on her again. Max seduces Kirsten's wig and convinces her to give it to him.

Because I do not know? I mean, all he really needed was to hold her for a few seconds and an earlier scene establishes that He already knows where they keep it, so why not break into her office and take it? No, who cares? Max takes the dildo stone and uses his wish to transfer his powers to himself, which is basically the equivalent of wishing for infinite wishes, you think? There would be some kind of protection against this kind of thing, but no, the dildo stone dissolves and its powers are transferred to it, it now has the ability to grant the wish of anyone who touches it and in return, it can take whatever it wants. .

Interestingly, overnight his oil company strikes gold, his rivals are conveniently defeated and he soon rises to fame as one of the most successful business magnates in the world. Diana and Steve realize that he must have also used the dildo stone, so they travel to Egypt. Intercept him stealing a fighter plane that is on display at the Smithsonian Institutes because museums often keep military planes full of fuel and in perfect flying condition, don't you know? And somehow, Steve can fly the plane because he used to be a pilot, so I guess flying World War I biplanes totally transfers to modern jet planes with computerized avionics outside of the movie, but then Diana remembers that radar she exists while they are literally about to take off, but that's okay because she also remembers that she has the power. to make things invisible now, oh god, they're invisible planes anyway, they arrive in Egypt and conveniently bump into Max as they randomly walk past him.

Wow, it was lucky that a lesser movie had them gathering clues to his location, but now they just pass it by. On the way anyway, there's finally an action scene of some kind, but they fail to stop him and then he escapes, which is even worse. Diana is injured in the crossfire. What must be wrong with her? It's almost as if the stone took something from him to grant her wish. No way, in the meantime all is not well with Max, he is starting to lose his mind, he becomes obsessed with granting more and more wishes as the stone takes over him and slowly destroys his body, but, strangely, granting hundreds of contradictory desires has a quite adverse side. effects in a short time the world is in complete chaos and on the brink of a nuclear war.

I mean, I'm pretty sure Bruce Almighty did the exact same thing about trying to give everyone what they want, but whatever it is, clearly Diana has to put a stop to this. but she is in no condition to face Max and Kirsten Wig, at the same time, her powers have faded because the dildo stone takes something away from each person who uses it. In Kirsten Wig's case, she took away her humanity, causing her to become increasingly violent and sadistic. and in Diana's case, she lost her superpowers. I mean, to be honest, her speed, strength, and durability seemed to swing all over the place from scene to scene, but whatever it is, I think you can see where this is going.

The only way to undo this is Destroy the stone or get your wish back which means losing Steve again so it's goodbye Chris Pine I hope you find a better franchise next time folks the stage is set for the end and what end it is. Max decides that he wants to talk to everyone. world at the same time and grants all their wishes simultaneously, so he takes control of a military satellite station and hijacks every television on the planet because that's something you can totally do, not to mention the majority of the world's population doesn't even He doesn't even speak English and wouldn't understand what he's telling them anyway, it doesn't matter, those are just details and details are for losers, so Diana realizes that she can fly now even though she can't at all in the 21st century.

She maybe she forgot something. and she arrives at the satellite station in time to stop the maximum. The problem is that he has a bodyguard. Are you ready for this? Then the two women literally get into a cat fight, which is truly one of the silliest fight scenes I've ever witnessed. In a modern movie before Diana is electrocuted, Kirsten Wiggin knocks her unconscious and then locates Max who stops her in her tracks by making it very windy. I would like to point out that this is the same woman who can take a headbutt from Superman anyway because she can't physically stop him, she calls on everyone around the world to give up their wishes and put everything back to normal and Somehow they do it and that's it.

Max realizes he was a bad guy so he runs away and Kirsten Wig goes back to normal and everyone lives happily ever after like none of this ever happened and that's it, that's Wonder Woman 1984. Which is complete and The whole point about this film is that everything that was good or at least vaguely tolerable about the original has been completely erased here replaced by trite and overused. premise, nonsensical character motivations, a plot desperately held together by a series of crazy coincidences and terrible decisions, unfunny attempts at humor, powers and abilities that fluctuate depending on the needs of the moment, and a completely wasted cast of talented actors , the result is a bloated, meandering self-esteem.

An indulgent, incoherent mess of a movie that manages to waste almost everything that should be working in its favor to begin with. This movie is long, almost two and a half hours, and by God, do you feel like every minute of it wasn't the original? I'm exactly sure, but there were enough action scenes, drama and intrigue and funny character moments to hold it back. This movie has the opposite problem. Almost nothing significant happens in the first hour of the film. It actually feels more like a romantic drama than a superhero movie. just endless scenes of characters sitting around talking to each other or walking around places or touring museums, offices and shopping malls.

Honestly, you could cut at least 30 minutes from this movie and lose absolutely nothing of value. Steve's reintroduction is also completely botched, I mean, this is a man coming back to life for the first time in 70 years and emerging into a world he doesn't understand at all. It should be fascinating to watch his first moments of clumsiness as he stumbles on a foreign body trying to understand what just happened. For him, instead, he just shows up in the middle of a party and starts talking to Diana like it's nothing and it's implied that he's already been back for a while at this point, at least he had to travel across town from the your host's house. apartment to Diana's house and from there to the Smithsonian to the interceptor.

The point is that he must have seen enough Washington DC by now, but then the movie tries to push back on all that and have him act like a fish out of water in awe of everything he sees because I guess it's supposed to be fun to watch a man from the First World War trying to understand life in the 80s. You can't have it both ways, I'm afraid, and the scene whereDiana trying to dress him in '80s clothes is just unbearable, goes on forever, and feels absolutely superfluous considering what's happening elsewhere. That same scene worked in the original film because of the clash between Diana's warrior upbringing and the conservative, male-dominated culture of World War I England.

You knew she could force herself completely. He will fight her against anyone in the room, but she plays along because he prefers to earn her cooperation this time. I suspect the thought didn't go much further than putting Stephen in some silly clothes because it makes my brain talk strangely. which steve is absolutely wasted in this movie, they obviously wanted to bring him back so that diana would be forced to sacrifice him near the end, but the problem is that that was basically all they had in mind and they had no idea what to do with them in In the original movie, Steve and Diana were a pretty good team.

Both pursued similar goals through different means. Each had their own agency and goals they worked towards, which sometimes put them in opposition to each other and they had their own strengths. and weaknesses that made for an interesting character dynamic but here Steve is just dragged around like a piece of luggage, aside from that

ridiculous

scene with the fighter jet, he has no unique skills or knowledge that can help them in any way and just feels like a wheel. spare when it's time to go. I didn't particularly care, partly because he had nothing to do anyway and partly because the morality of this whole situation is pretty high when you think about it, I mean, what about the poor guy that Steve has been using as a a meat suit all this time?

He is an innocent man with a life, friends, family, hopes and aspirations for the future. You can't just turn all that off because you want your dead boyfriend back and the fact that questions like this never enter Diana's head makes me

wonder

what kind of person he is. Really the scene where she is forced to give up her wish and say goodbye to Steve is meant to be played as a heartbreaking sacrifice, but all I could think was that you had no right to do this in the first place on the subject of Diana's character, the idea.

That an immortal demigod suddenly has to deal with life like a normal human is actually pretty cool and is a natural, if predictable, solution for Diana being overpowered, like imagining her trying to take on some street thugs and getting kicked in the face. the butt or trying to save innocents. people and failing miserably because she no longer has the tools, maybe those experiences could teach her humility or the importance of what she does or force her to be more resourceful and cautious or even help her understand why people like Kirsten Wiig were so envious. about her in the first place, maybe it would make you wonder who she really is when she doesn't have all the strength and power you used to take for granted and that could force some interesting character development, but instead the movie is like No.

She'll be fine, basically, she's still stronger, faster, and more durable than any real human could ever hope to be. She can still use the lasso of truth and even manages to pull completely new abilities out of her ass, like she can project force fields around objects. to make them invisible when she was never able to do that before or since, man she even can fly at the end of the movie, where this whole point comes from is that the script needed a compelling reason for her to sacrifice love. of her life again, but I also wanted exciting scenes where she can do a lot of interesting things, so the end result is this strange, undefined place of transition where you have the vague feeling that she is more vulnerable than before, but without a real understanding of its limitations. and when you have no idea what your hero is capable of in any situation, it's hard to care about what happens to them.

The antagonists are another

disaster

in the making. Pedro Pascal could have a great performance with the right material. but here he has been saddled with an absolutely fictitious character. Max Lord constantly moves between manic, hyperactive businessmen and frightened whimpers the moment they put him in danger. I understand that they were trying to make him more confrontational and nuanced than the usual comic book antagonist, but the problem is that when he goes into world domination mode, you have to at least make him look like he's capable of achieving it and despite From the director's comments to the contrary, I never got a Donald Trump vibe of this kind, if anything, the script portrays him as quite sympathetic, he is a loving father from a poor background whose fear of failure, desperation to prove himself and earning his son's respect ultimately leads him down a dark path, never doing anything particularly malicious or evil and preferring to let other people be the cause of his own downfall. although it's a little strange that she never suffers repercussions for her actions in the extremes, I mean she almost destroyed the entire world, I'm pretty sure she deserves some kind of punishment for that, I guess Kirsten's wig is meant to represent the muscle in this equation is someone who poses a more physical threat to Diana and she does her best to appear threatening and angry, which isn't much to be honest, but their rivalry feels forced and contrived, their fight scenes are boring, sterile and totally lacking in imagination and even Gal Gadot seems lost as the first film unfolds, they made the most of Gadot's limited acting range and never demanded more than she could give, but this time the script really goes for the big ones. emotional rewards, which means you need to sell.

It's hard to make it work and well, I really don't think she has it. The scene at the end where she has to give a passionate and heartfelt speech to the people of the world actually made me cringe because she looks more uncomfortable and embarrassed. More than anything, I guess I should give the movie a little credit for its central message about having to work hard and earn the things you want in life instead of just waiting for them to be given to you, imagine that, huh, but it's implemented in such a forced, awkward and clumsy way that I really can't say much more about it.

Some of the character decisions are downright baffling, like when Max approaches the president of the United States in the middle of an international crisis and questions the man. What he wants most in life and his response is more nuclear weapons. If you could have something, why not wish for a missile defense system or for the other side to not have any nuclear weapons or to not have any hostile intentions towards the United States or towards to begin with, they didn't even exist, the point is that there could be He wished for literally dozens of things that would have radically improved his situation, instead choosing the dumbest, most short-sighted wish possible to make up the rest of the plot.

It happens to be silly, contrived, and illogical and basically sums up the entire writing process of this movie. I also get the distinct impression that this film was butchered in the editing room. Obvious problems are introduced less than a minute before their artificial solutions appear. at completely inappropriate moments with almost no setup and at one point Diana and Steve teleport from Cairo to Washington with no explanation of how they got there, it's sloppy and rushed and reinforces my belief that major new shots were hastily incorporated into the script due to all these problems. It's hard to believe that this movie was made by the same people as the first and it wasn't until I did a little research that I realized it wasn't the first movie written by Zack Snyder, Alan Heiberg and Jason Fuchs with Patty Jenkins.

Unfortunately, the success of the first film gave her the wrong impression that she was a screenwriter and freed her to take creative control of the sequel, but the thing about creative control is that it can free up talent or, in this case, expose. In her absence, Patty Jenkins is a good director and whatever, the first Wonder Woman was a decent movie, but this movie shows that she doesn't know at all how to tell a coherent story considering the amount of time she's had to work on. this. We were all hoping for a triumphant sequel that would build on the unexpected success of its predecessor, but what we actually got was a long, tedious, confusing melodrama desperately seeking big payoffs it didn't get, trying to spread a message it doesn't really understand. and squanders all the potential and goodwill generated by the first film, a film that was deliberately filmed on HBO Max to explain away the inevitable box office failure rather than face the unpleasant truth that it simply isn't very good and I want that for the record. minutes.

I called him anyway that's all I have for today go now