The Gift Basket | Gabriel Iglesias

I thought it would be cool if I could tell an old story from years ago that never made it into a one hour special and, uh, the cool thing about this story is that now it has a different ending, the story is called a

gift

basket

some of you They know others don't know but after this they will never forget it all they have to know about this story is that all the people involved have always been and will continue to be friends. said Martin and I, all the good ones start like this. Martin and I are planning to perform in Northern California.

We normally fly, but on this particular day I was having a problem with Southwest Airlines, they wanted me to pay for an extra seat for someone who wasn't there. If you're not traveling with me, take your time, you'll figure it out anyway, I tell Martin I'm not going to pay for an extra seat, let's drive at six hours, so we're heading north at three hours into the trip, we're passing for a city called Fresno. and as we pass hey fresno five five nine give us away anyway as we pass through fresno we start seeing signs on the side of the highway saying to perform this weekend at the radisson hotel straight from the bet comic view and show time on The Apollo comedian, Griley, and I look at Martina, come on, oh shoot, she's in town and Martin says, yeah, I haven't seen G in years, so we thought, let's stop by the hotel and say hello, so we pull into the parking lot we came in from.

I tell Martin that he doesn't know we're here. I'm going to knock on his room because what are you going to say? I told him I'm the front desk and he just received a

gift

basket

. How funny about a gift basket, I said, I'll describe it over the phone and make all the items that are in this imaginary basket become items that stereotypically a black person might like because you're crazy, I said, "I'll tell you." what we have two hours to kill How about this? How about we go to the supermarket and make a real racist gift basket and we'll deliver it and wait outside to see what happens I said are you down let's go to a store and get started. to design the sickest prank ever.

I got a shopping cart and said, "Okay, we need a basket, so I find one, get out the grass, the plastic eggs and the chocolate bunnies and we start Al." get to the aisles the first item I grab is a fried chicken this big okay look how quick that laugh was there are some black people here like mom it better be funny it's hysterical let me finish the story and then You'll be able to judge me in the parking lot so anyway then Martin hands me a miniature watermelon and I put it next to the fried chicken this is where it gets interesting the store employees find out what we're doing and start volunteering to help us to finish the basket half the employees were black which made it much more accurate, aisle after aisle, a guy was stalking a shelf, it was an older white guy and we thought, sir, can you help us?

What do you need? My friend Martin and I are trying to fix this. racist gift basket for our black friend as a joke can you think of something we can put in there without even blinking? the guy said oh you gotta have kool-aid it's down the aisle at the right malt liquors on stand out at the back of the store in the freezer section it's on sale two for one when we get to the register all of these different employees plus we invented the basket that had fried chicken watermelon kool-aid grape soda barbecue fries sunflower seeds an ebony magazine a chris rock dvd called bigger and blacker magnum condoms newport cigarettes a rack of ribs the cornbread recipe was getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger the icing on the cake we found a greeting card that is on sale for halloween and it has a picture of three ghosts on the cover wearing sheets, I tear off half of it that says Happy Halloween and on the back of the card I write welcome to Fresno, I love the chamber of commerce and we stuck it in the basket, we made it all nice. and pretty and we take the ass to the hotel, we stop, we walk in the basket, it's terribly hot, so I'm running, I go in and put it on the counter as fast as I can, bro, it's too perfect, there's a black girl . behind the reception as soon as I put the basket down I hear it's chicken oh let me say wait what is it let me explain my name is

gabriel

this is martin we're a couple of comedians and we're about to play a really crazy prank on a friend of ours who is will be here tonight named griley who is also a comedian oh the one who blew the signs on the freeway yeah the one on the signs on the freeway so as a joke we went We went to the store and made this messy racist gift basket, that's why you can smell the fried chicken and she said, "You need Jesus, that's a real name, Kiki girl, you better get off that phone, you won't believe what I'm looking at." Over here girl, listen, we thought it would be hysterical if we could ask you to hand us the basket, she lost it.

Oh hell, you didn't know that? You didn't just ask me to bring that to a black man. You are out. your damn mind oh lord love give me the strength not to kill this big ass mexican here lord okay look here nacho libre i don't care who you are i'm not going to do it hell i won't give you 50 dollars where are we follow her to the hotel room she knocks on the door and i hide by the elevator on the floor she knocks opens the door she sees a beautiful black woman standing there with a gift basket this is for you baby he says thank you closes the door she walks away and sees us on the floor hiding and she says they're still going to hell we get up and walk to the door and put our ear to it we listen this is what we hear inside the chicken kool-aid he's getting excited about every item he takes out of the basket he gets to greeting card, what's there to love about Fresno?

The chamber of commerce, hell yeah, then we felt him flip the card because his voice changed. He says, oh yeah, man, this is what's out there. door we hear racist bastards when we hear racist bastards we lost it the housekeeping is going crazy we're laughing we're crying we have snot coming out we can't take it anymore we knock on the door he yells who's too easy chamber of commerce he runs to the door I put my finger in the peephole so he can't see who it is, the knob starts moving, then the door swings open and he says what and sees us and says what's up man? y'all had a heart attack brother did you like your basket, the man that was in bad shape, did you like it, man, I love all that and now, ladies and gentlemen, a story that has been seven years in the making, I Would you like them to listen to it now for the first time?

First time on the other side of that story, ladies and gentlemen, I flew him to Hawaii so he can share this with you. Give it up for my friend, Mr. Griley. I have to be honest, I didn't know he was racist, I thought. It was lunch I thought it was lunch I didn't know it was raining until I got back to my neighborhood and the brothers in my neighborhood looked at me and said man I don't think you let that Mexican do that to you man that was messed up I know you got him back, I said, well, buy him lunch, I can't afford to buy that man lunch, if I buy him lunch, he'll bring me back, but you have to understand that it was the perfect set of circumstances. when it happened because he was lying in bed at the hotel.

I had never been to Fresno before and I wanted something to eat and I didn't know where to go to eat so I was lying in bed and telling myself where I could go to eat I wish I had some food and suddenly magically they call the door and a black girl appears with a gift basket, I took the gift basket and said they know how to deal. your comedians here in fresno and I'm walking to the bed and I can feel the heat and I can smell the chicken in the gift basket and I'm like, oh, this is great because no one smells chicken and thinks about racism right there.

I see the watermelon and I'm like, oh, this is great, they know how to treat a comedian here. I reach for the card, look at it and ask what's going on. I said, oh my God, I'm working for the Ku Klux Klan and I really started to panic because in my head I was telling myself if this was real because there were billboards all over the city with my picture on it and I started to think that they were trying to to scare me into leaving town. so now I don't know what to do right and I start trying to call a promoter and the promoter doesn't answer the phone and it rots in my head and I'm nervous and I'm pacing back and forth in the room and suddenly there's a bang at the door and I'm like, oh my God, they're coming for me, so I walk up to the door and I look through the people, and all I see is a brown dot and I go, I listen.

Somebody out there because I hear them breathing in here, so this was about 60 pounds ago, so I have to look down under the door, but I said, oh my God, there had to be about five or six of them out there, Oh my God. So I imagine like this, I imagine it's okay, you know what if it's going to happen? You know, if it's going to happen, I'm going to go in there and spin it right, so I'll put on my best black face. You know, I tried to look. I mean, you know, I look, I look like this guy over here, I look like that guy over there, and I say who it is and they go to the chamber of commerce, let me, oh my God, the chamber of commerce is the ku klux klan and me.

I panicked so I get to the right door and I open it, the door opens and when the door opens these guys are falling all over the hallway laughing at me, they're lunging at the cleaning ladies, they caught The cleaning lady didn't know. What was happening? She got scared because she saw a shirtless black guy like that, so she grabbed the lemon garment like it was her pepper spray. It's ready, so everything now that I realize it's a joke, everything calms down because now I remember. I remember how hungry I was, I said, "Okay, this is a practical joke, so I'm going to the bathroom to wash my hands while I'm in the bathroom washing my hands," I hear a commotion in the other room, right, I go back to the other room. . fourth they are checking the gift basket the maid leaves with the watermelon martina is drinking my 40 and this bastard is eating my chicken you