The Gift Basket | Gabriel Iglesias

i thought it would be cool if i could tell an old story from years ago that never made it into a one hour special and the cool thing about this story is now it has a different ending the story is called the

gift

basket

some of you know some of you do not know but after this you will never forget all you have to know about this story is that all the people involved have always been and will continue to be friends that being said martin and I all the good ones started like this martin and I are programmed to perform in northern california we usually fly but on this particular day i was having a problem with southwestern airlines wanting me to pay for an extra seat for someone who wasn't there you won't travel with me take your time you'll figure it out anyway .

I tell Martin I'm not going to pay for an extra seat. Let's drive at six hours. So we headed north. Three hours later, we are passing through a city called Fresno. and as we pass hey fresno five five nine danos Anyway as we pass through fresno we start seeing billboards on the side of the freeway saying perform this weekend at the radisson hotel straight from the comical view of bet and the time of the show at comedian Apollo Griley and I look at Martina. in town and martin says yeah i haven't seen g in years so we're going to stop by the hotel and say hi so we pull into the parking lot and go in and i tell martin he doesn't know we're here.

I'm going to call his room because what are you going to say? I said I'll tell him I'm the front desk and he just got a

gift

basket

. What's so funny about a gift basket? I said I'm going to describe over the phone and I'm going to turn all the items that are in this imaginary basket into items that stereotypically a black person might like because you're crazy I said I'll tell you what we have two hours to kill how about this How about we go to the supermarket and make a real racist gift basket and have it?

We deliver and will wait outside to see what happens. I said, do you agree? We go to a store and start designing the sickest practical joke. I get a shopping cart and I'm like okay, we need a basket, so I find one, take out the grass, the plastic eggs, and the chocolate bunnies, and we start to hit the aisles. its hysterical let me finish the story and then you could judge me in the parking lot so anyway martin hands me a miniature watermelon and i put it next to the fried chicken this is where it gets interesting the store clerks find out what what do we do. they're doing and start volunteering to help us finish the basket half the employees were black which made it much more accurate aisle after aisle a guy was stalking a shelf it was an older white male and we say, sir, can you help us? what do you need my friend mar tin and i are trying to make this messy racist gift basket for our black friend as a joke can you think of anything we can put in there without even blinking the guy said oh you gotta have kool-aid it's in the down the aisle to the right malt spirits in excel at the back of the store in the frozen section it's on sale two for one by the time we got to the register all these different employees plus we found the basket that had fried chicken watermelon kool-aid grape soda bbq fries sunflower seeds an ebony magazine a chris rock dvd called bigger and blacker magnum condoms cigarettes newport ribs the cornbread recipe was getting bigger and bigger and more and biggest icing on the cake we find a greeting card that is on halloween clearance and has a picture of three ghosts on the front page wearing torn sheets co the half that says happy halloween and on the back of the card i write welcome to fresno i love camera o f commerce and we glued it to the basket we made it all nice and pretty and we took the ass to the hotel we pull up we walk in the basket it's hot like hell so i'm running i go in and put it on the counter as fast as i can bro it's too perfect there's a black girl behind the desk as soon as i put the basket down i hear it's chicken oh lemme say wait, what is it? let me explain, my name is

gabriel

, i'm martin. we're a couple of comedians and we're about to pull a really crazy prank on a friend of ours who's staying here tonight named griley who's also a comedian oh the one who blew the signs on the freeway yeah the it it's on the highway signs so as a joke we went to the store and made this messy basket of racist gifts that's why you can smell the fried chicken and she said you need jesus that's a real name girl kiki you better get hang up pick up that phone you won't believe what I'm seeing here girl listen we thought so I'd be hysterical if we could just get you to deliver the basket to us she lost it oh hell didn't you know I knew you didn't ask me to take that to a black man you crazy oh lord love give me the strength not to kill this big mexican ass here sir it's ok look here nacho libre I don't care who you are I won't heck I won't give you 50 bucks where we follow her to the hotel room l she knocks on the door and i hide in the elevator on the floor she knocks she opens the door she sees a beautiful black woman standing there with a gift basket this is for you baby he says thank you shut the door she walks away and he sees us on the floor he hides well and she says they still go to hell we get up and walk to the door and put our ear out we listen this is what we hear inside Chicken Kool-Aid he is getting excited about every item he is taking out of the basket that receives the greeting card what can love the ash tree? the chamber of commerce hell yeah so we're sorry flipping the card because his voice changed and he said oh yeah this is what's outside the door. leaving we can't take it anymore we knock on the door he yells who's too easy chamber of commerce he runs the door i put my finger in the peephole so he can't see who it is the knob starts to move then the door is flung open and he says what and he sees us and says what's up g man you guys had a heart attack bro did you like your basket man that was shabby did you like it man i love all that and now ladies and gentlemen a story that has taken seven years to unfold .

I would like you now to hear for the first time the other side of that story. by my friend mr g riley i have to be honest i didn't know it was racist i thought it was lunch i thought it was lunch i didn't know it was raining until i got back to my neighborhood and the brothers in my neighborhood looked at me they say man i don't think you'll let for that Mexican to do that to him you man, you were in bad shape, I know you got him back, I said, well, buy him lunch. perfect set of circumstances when it happened because im laying in bed in hotel never been to fresno before and wanted to eat something and didnt know where to go to eat so im laying in bed telling myself where i could go to eat i wish i had some food and all of a sudden there's a magical knock on the door and a black girl shows up with a gift basket and i took the gift basket and said they know how to treat their comedians here at fresno and i'm walking to the bed and i can feel the heat and i can smell the chicken from the gi ft basket and i'm like oh this is great because nobody smells chicken and thinks about racism right there and i see the watermelon and i'm like oh this is great they know how to treat a comedian here i get to the card and i look at the card and i say whats going on i said oh my god im working for the ku klux klan and i really started to panic because in my head i say to myself if this is real because there were billboards around all over town with my picture and i started to think they were trying to scare me out of town so now i dont know what to do right and i start trying to call a promoter and the promoter doesnt answer the phone and i get his head is rotting and i'm nervous and i'm pacing around the room and all of a sudden there's a knock on the right door and i'm like oh my gosh they're coming for me so i walk up to the door okay and look through the ok people and all i see is a brown dot ok and i go i hear someone out there because i hear them tar thing here so this was about 60lbs ago so i have to look down under the door but i said, oh my gosh there must be about five or six of them oh my gosh so I imagine like this I imagine well you know what if it's going to happen it's going to happen you know if it's going to happen I'm going to go there and spin it right so imma put my best blackface on you know i tried to look bad you know i look look like this guy over here i look like that guy over there and i say who he is and they go to the chamber of commerce let me oh my gosh the chamber of commerce is the ku klux klan and i'm panicking so i get to the door to to the right and I pull it open the door and when the door opens these guys are falling all the way down the hall laughing at me.

They are rolling towards the trapped cleaning ladies. The cleaning lady didn't know what was going on. the dust cause she see a shirtless black dude like this so she grab the lemon like her pepper spra and well she's all set so all now that I realize it's a practical joke all calm down because i remember now i remember how hungry i was. in the bathroom washing my hands I hear a commotion in the other room to the right I go back to the other room they are checking the gift basket the maid leaves with the watermelon Martina drinks my 40 and this bastard eats my chicken you