Sexless Innkeeper

I hate it when you realize someone is using you. Because in your mind you say, "Yes! Friendship!" But actually, mhm-mm. I'm relaxing at my son's house. Let's just call him Logan Paul. It's not really Logan Paul. Logan and I are dating. One of Logan's friends appears. This pretty girl. Let's call her Julia Kelly. She's actually not Julia Kelly. Logan, Julia, and I hung out for three hours, and then Logan and I walked Julia to her car. We get to Julia's car and then Logan says, "Swoozie, look away while I say goodbye to Julia." So I guess he's kissing this girl goodbye.

A few weeks later, I'm on Instagram. I'm deep down the search rabbit hole and find this random girl. Let's call her Chantel. It's not actually Chantel. Fast forward to the next night, I get a push notification that she is doing a live stream. She's on the broadcast and says, "Guys, I'm so bored. Who should I call?" Someone in the chat says, "Yeah, call your boy Logan Paul." Logan, don't even mess with me like that. Like he just doesn't even respond to my texts. Not even four days later, guess who I bump into on my way to a meeting?

Logan Pablo. I connect with Logan after the meeting and say, "Bro. How do you know Chantel?" How do you not try to conquer her? Man, I don't know, I don't even feel that way. He takes out her phone and looks at her face. He then he says, "Let me introduce you to my boy Swoozie." And he hands me the phone and I'm like, "*laughs* Hi, yeah, no, uh." We talked for a hot minute. I gave Logan his phone back, but said, "Alright, Phase 2: When I'm gone, text him later tonight and say, When are you, Swooz, and I going to kick it?" I go home, go to sleep and wake up the next day.

Chantel posted some snaps. Logan is in every single snapshot of her. Starting at 10pm the night before, until 2am that morning. Word? This is like that child who has all the toys and ignores them until a friend comes and says, "Can I play with...?" "NO!" MY TOYS! Escape. TFTI I went and looked at his Snapchat; not a single publication. Not one. I'm not going to lie, that made me feel some kind of way. How are you going to do me like this? Let's move forward a little. I'm scrolling down the list replying to DMs and then I see a message from Julia.

Hey, please tell me you live in Los Angeles. Seems innocent, right? Two direct messages back and forth, numbers already exchanged. You all know how it is. Julia texts me and says, "Hey. What are you doing tonight? Let's hook up." Then I ran into her at In-N-Out. We hang out at In-N-Out, eat, and come back here. So we were there talking, just talking about life and then she was like, "I don't know if I'll be in L.A. much longer, like this is my last month here." We're talking for a while and we broach the topic of celebrities.

She then says, "Yeah, I hang out with Chris a lot and when other girls are around, they get mad because Chris takes all their phones, but I keep mine." Chris. Are you talking about Chris Brown? Yeah! Chris is so cool. I'm going out with him," and then she names like all these other A-list celebrities. And I believe her because I mean the girl is drop-dead gorgeous. So I'm like, "Why are you coming? You are so special". ?" She says, "Well, I see all these other girls hitting on them, but I don't. So I guess I'm like the prize they're trying to win." She then takes out her phone and shows me a selfie video of her with these celebrities.

I finished watching the video, this girl leans in and kisses. Me, without promoting YouTube, without exaggerating. Okay, skrrrrttt. You and Logan, what's up with that? I'm not trying to... So, he really loves me, but I already told him we had it. He chats her up, as if we were just friends. Yes, but we walked you to the car and he kissed you. I told him not to do that again. Then I thought, "What are you doing?" I have Chris Brown, all these other A-list celebrities and Logan don't? What's so special about me that literally the first time we went out alone?

I'm on this couch watching TV, and she starts rubbing my leg and then says, "Is it okay if I spend the night?" She then told me: "Okay, let me borrow some pajamas." "Go to my room, get her some pajamas, she's in bed. Go back outside, turn off all the lights, go back to the bedroom and she's asleep. Forty seconds until she leaves the bedroom and comes back, are you asleep? You could have slept in the guest bedroom, but you slept in my bed – note to self The next morning I wake up and she says, “Okay, I have to go.

Hey, is it okay if I keep these clothes? My Uber is here." Uh, it's, it's whatever. Now I was going to tell Logan about this, but then I thought, "I'll tell him... tomorrow." Three days later, I get another text from her. Hey, What are you doing tonight? Let's go. This is like midnight. She asks to spend the night. I say, "Mmm." She asks for some clothes to wear. I brush my teeth, I go out, I jump into bed. Julia and I start making out a little. Two minutes into this make out session, she turns around like, "Night later I'm hanging out with my guy!" Alex Wassabi and I tell him this whole story.

And he looks at me and says, "Brother, you're the

sexless

innkeeper

." They use it as a hotel. I decided I'm going to try this theory. Julia calls me a day later. Hey, what are you doing tonight? I text her back: "Hey, I can't relax. I'm editing. But if you want to relax tomorrow, between 10am and 5pm." No text response. Two days later, another text from Julia. Hey, what are you doing tonight? I'm editing again tonight, boo , I'm sorry. But listen, I'm free all weekend, during the day. He texted me like two or three more times during the week.

And I basically tell him that nights are not good for me. I'll be with you when. you want, just during the day. And yes, since I removed overnight stays from the table, I haven't seen or heard from this girl since. It's very difficult for a pimp to be here.