DISASTER DATE

Have you ever been on a

disaster

date

? I'm at home relaxing like gangsters do. My friend calls me and I say "Hello." "Hello, I have the perfect girl for you." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." "How she looks?" "She's really sexy." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." "But what is she like?" "She has nice full lips and a nice big ass." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Guest!" "I know and I showed him some of your photos online." “My photos online?” "Yeah man, she's seen a lot of your photos online and she thinks you're handsome!" "Yeah?" "Yeah." I didn't want to know what this girl is like.

Don't tell me what her Facebook is or her Instagram, none of that. Just a real "blind

date

." Because how often do you experience this? I feel spontaneous. I get a number, we start texting and finally we call, I just call her. She sounds so sexy. And it was her own voice, she wasn't even trying to sound sexy. "Mmm *slap* I'm just lying in bed" It was just natural, organic, sexy. We called each other for a week and she said, "When are you going to ask me out?" "Well, *mumbling* when can you?" "Well, next week is Valentine's Day." "We've never met and we're going on a first date on -" *Satanic Voice* "You're going to ask me out on Valentine's Day!" "Ah OK." *Satanic voice* “And you give me a rose.” "Well." *Satanic voice* “A red one!” "Yes, yes, I will bring a rose." *deep satanic voice* "You guessed it's red." You know, people expect a lot from Valentine's Day.

And I'm trying to prevent this from being a disastrous date. I don't even know what you look like. My biggest concern is that she is perfect. So it will be a long evening. When Valentine's Day comes, I drive to her. I pull into the driveway. I text her "I'm here" and she leaves. She comes in and I give her the rose. We headed to the restaurant. After an hour and a half of waiting... ...there is finally room. The waiter comes over and says, "What do you want to drink?" "Hey yes, lemonade with a little ice please, that's very important." The waiter walks away from her and I get a good look at her in the light, so this is the first time I can see her clearly.

You know, she doesn't look bad, but she might be crazy, especially after her comment about ice cream. So we start talking again and halfway through the conversation I say, "Wait a minute, where do you work?" "Ohh, didn't your friend tell William?" "No?" "Wow, you know, when you get up really late you often watch commercials with girls in bed, right?" "Yeah?" "Well, that's what I do." "Are you a girl from one of those commercials?" "No, I'll be the one who answers you on the phone." "Wait, ho ho ho ho ho, you can't be serious." “Are you a sex worker?” Now I understood why she sounded so sexy on the phone!

In fact, I asked like 20 questions. "So when people call that premium rate number, do they get transferred to your home? Do you work from home?" "No, I'm just going to the office to work and seriously! There's a lot of drama!" “What do you mean by drama?” "So there's that bitch Rachel I work with, she steals all my regulars! She's down the street and I hate her. She sucks! She Close your eyes and think about the fattest girl you know." "Yes, no, I understand." "No, she closes her eyes!" Why do I have to close her eyes? Will you stab me if I don't see it? "It's okay, my eyes are closed, I'm thinking about it now." "No, you're thinking about an extra kilo.

Rachel is as fat as Jabba the Hutt and she's ugly and stinky!" "Okay, let's use our inner voices." "She can't even walk, she's in a wheelchair! She has an hour-long line! People wait an hour to talk to her! Sometimes you should listen to what she says!" I open my eyes and the waiter is there. "She Once she told a client that..." I don't remember what she said, she was very embarrassed. The waiter walked away slowly. How to run away from a bomb. She didn't even turn around, she just... walked back very quietly. So we ordered something and waited for our food.

I change the topic of conversation and after a few minutes Ingrid starts shouting: "Wait. Waiter! Waiter! Hello? Hello? Come on, come on, come on... come on!" "Yes what can I do for you?" "See those people over there? They arrived later and already have their food!" "I'll check it in the kitchen." *Quietly* "This can't be happening. God, what did I do to deserve this?" "They do this because we are dark! These people are racist!" This is where the date gets a little vague for me. I've been trying to forget this night for a long time and I wasn't going to bring it up until I had to see a psychiatrist.

Probably the worst date ever, really. It is not over yet. On the way back I was thinking, "Please don't let her think I'm going to kiss her at the end of the date." So we get to her neighborhood and she says, "I really enjoyed tonight. What about you?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, it was fun." "We should do this more often. That's what you want too, right?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we should definitely, you know, do that again." A little secret for you. That second date never happened. *end of music*