Have you met your soul mate? | Ashley Clift-Jennings | TEDxUniversityofNevada

Well hello. So I'm going to start by asking you a very simple question that may take a little more than two seconds to answer. Have you ever met

your

soul

mate

in person? (Audience) Yes. Ashley Clift-Jennings: I heard some that yes, not really... (Laughs) Yes, they're pretty hard to get, right? (Laughter) Now, think about what made that person her

soul

mate

. Was it because of her looks? Was it the career they had? Was it the way they connected to

your

soul? Was it the fact that they also belonged to the same religion? There are a million different reasons why we feel connected to another person in such a deep way.

So I grew up in a Christian environment and was determined to find my soulmate. So, I knew that I wasn't going to find this person in a bar or a club, and that this person had to be of very high character, had to

have

respect for women, had to be pretty, and had to love me for who I was. , because I am a unique character. So, I went on with life, I went to an Ivy League school, I played football, I accomplished everything I could accomplish and grasp at the time, but one thing that always remained is that I really wanted to find this one thing, which was my soul. buddy.

So, I'm like 24, 25 years old, and right now in the Christian community, it's like by now your balls are probably covered in cobwebs. (laughs) Now we think that 25 is not too old, but back then I felt old. Then one night, I was browsing the internet and I was really interested in the Myers-Briggs personality test, so I was looking up and I wanted to find a guy who was an INFJ man. (laughs) So I just Googled “INFJ male,” right? (Laughter) And there were two outcomes, and one of them turned out to be my future spouse. (Laughs) So, I approached him, we met.

I was doing social work in Pasadena, he was a software developer working for a startup in Pasadena, but he lived in Reno, and we had this incredible connection, we had this whirlwind courtship, and within six months, to the dismay of all of our families , We married. (laughs) But it made sense! Our families understood it. They saw us together and realized, "These two people are super compatible, they respect each other so much, and they literally make each other better people." So, he was like the yin to my yang, he was a software developer, super calm, relaxed, he went at a slow but steady pace.

And then I went crazy, erratic and creative. And it worked like a lock and key, so, so, so perfect. And this continued: I moved to Reno, I dropped out of grad school, I moved to Reno, I started working at startups, and I started doing startup stuff with my new husband. And every night we would go out to restaurants or bars, we would just talk about ideas. It was like TED talks all the time. We really enjoy each other's minds. And we were soulmates, literally. And so, this continued, we've been married for nine years now, so this continued for quite a while, and it felt like the most peaceful time of my entire life.

I felt like I had a home inside this person's soul, and this person lived with me, we worked together, we often did projects together, we dreamed together, we bought a house together, I helped him raise my stepchildren together. And everything seemed, it seemed like I had won the lottery, like I could check that box, like, "I found my soulmate." And then, as you can imagine, one day I was told something that would change my life: I was told that my spouse was transgender. You can probably hear a pin drop right now. And my response was interesting, my first response was, "You've got to be kidding me." (Laughs) My second response was, "Okay, tell me more, you know, what does this mean for us?

And what do you

have

to do to feel whole and feel good about your body?" So this was about three years ago and we're still married, and this led me through this process of really researching, what does it mean to be transgender? For my spouse, it meant that she was not comfortable with his male body and needed to medically transition. Now, to me, if you or anyone is thinking, "Shoot!" You're looking at your partner right now and saying... (Laughs) "Are you going to drop this bomb on me?" I'd love to say it's been an interesting journey - I was always very PC, very open-minded and very encouraging of your transition.

She gave me the option and said, "You know, if this ends our relationship, I won't do it." I just had enormous respect for how much she respected our marriage and me as a human being. So, it's like I had all this respect for her, and I wanted the best for her, and I wanted her to be whole, and at the same time, I couldn't put it into words, but I felt like someone was dying, you know? It was like someone I knew left and there was a new person coming in. And part of my struggle is really real, and it's really just the natural progression of how you would feel when your spouse transitions.

And then there's another part, which is more like about 60% of my reaction, and that's what's known as internalized transphobia. And I didn't even know she had it. It's a lot... Alex talked about programming and what men and boys have been programmed to think about women and sexuality, and I think as a society we've been programmed to think that people who don't fit into the binary , that they are neither men nor women, or that they were born with a sex with which they do not identify, that these people are different, or strange, or strange. And then imagine, when I know this person inside and out, I have already been married to this person for six years and I adored every fiber of their being.

So you can imagine that I, of all people, would understand and realize that this is a normal person, who has a very serious condition that is treatable. But it was difficult, because I still felt that sense of shame, a little bit, that we were different now. Good? So I had to go through the whole process, you know, it's been three years, but I had to work long and hard on, "What does it mean to be married to someone who is transgender? What does that mean?" about my sexuality? Does that mean I'm a lesbian now?" Because when we go out, of course, people see us and think we're a lesbian couple.

That's not entirely accurate. What does it mean? You know, we go to the gym, we go to the gym together. locker room, we swim together, and all of these things lead us to interactions with people who may or may not understand our situation, and that was difficult for me, it was difficult for me to go from having all this privilege as a white, middle-class woman, who feels like it. well being a woman, who is married to a man, and then I was in a heterosexual relationship and I had all this privilege that I didn't even know I had.

So, as we go on this journey, it's like we're learning new things every single time. days, and I'm learning what words to say, what words not to say; I'm learning what works in the bedroom and what doesn't work in the bedroom, right? I'm relearning all kinds of things, but what I'm learning most is that a lot of it. my fear of my spouse changing was really imposed from outside; It was actually my fear of what other people would think. And that's why I'm here today. I am the proud wife of a transgender woman and she remains my soulmate.

And I would know she was my soulmate if this room was dark right now, I would know how to find her in this room. And I think that the lesson we should learn from all this is that people have a patina, they have a presence in the world, they have a look, or they have a job, or they have all these things that they look outward, that everyone identifies them and They put them in boxes; This is how we categorize people when we meet them. But underneath there is a soul, and that soul is much deeper and stronger, and much more identifiable than that patina.

So my challenge to you today is, “Do you know if you would even know how to recognize your soulmate?” If you were going out into the world right now, would you know what you were looking for? Thank you very much, it has been a pleasure. (Applause)