EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING - Liz Miele FULL SPECIAL

one of my favorite people in the world I'm so glad he's making this album put your hands together by Liz Miele I have no self-esteem, I can't, that will affect my career. Hello, I have lived in New York City for 11 years. years and I don't have a gay best friend, that's weird, since I went to art school, that's where they come from and the problem is that I didn't have any gay friends, the problem is that I had too many gay friends and I think like everyone We know you can only have one because they are

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, so let's try to limit ourselves to the best gay guy.

You know what I mean, like the guy who looks us in the eye and knows my shoe size like they do in the movies, but no one sits a grown woman in New York City down and shows you the truth about Gaiman, Which is that they're just guys, did you know that they're just guys like every other guy I've ever met? An example, when I was 19 or 20, I was at a party with my friend Ryan at a place where Ryan grabbed my breasts, started shaking them and laughing. I was like, "Dude, don't touch me," he said, "whoa, calm down." I'm gay.

I was like, how is your gay? Make them not bother me, like there's no rule, like you have to have an erection for me to feel uncomfortable, don't touch me. I never had to say that to a lesbian because they were raised well. Hello, mostly. friends and I realized recently that it was actually causing me a lot of anxiety because I feel a deep obligation to teach these men about the modern woman, so whenever something big happens and one of my friends lives I always like to give them flowers and then when they seem disappointed I just say, yeah, because I'm going to die, you can't keep them or eat them, so recession, we all want Snickers, you seem to like them $9.

I have a lot of friends. I've had it for a while. It's been a long time and it's been a problem, like recently a friend of mine asked me what he thought when he masturbated me. I thought, great, we've crossed a line and we were never going back. I was like, I'll be honest, man. I think about

emotionally

stable hot guys telling me I'm funny was like well how do you know they're

emotionally

stable when I was like you're not? That's why it's a fantasy. I'm in a strange place. I make a lot of living. I'm on the road all the time.

I've been doing it for a while now, but it's changed over the years. They don't pay you as much as a comic anymore. They don't display it in many hotels anymore. so I stay on a lot of friends couches, which I never minded until recently when I slept with a friend I was staying with who wasn't smart, it's like the number one rule of poor traveling artists It's just that I don't sleep on your only couch option in Sin City and I'm not really sure what to do about it because it's like I slept on my couch.

I think I might have feelings for this couch. I don't have time to get to know other couches and I want to solve this problem the same way I solve all my problems, which is to ignore the problem, which I can't because it affects my career, because people are going to say, "Hey, Liz, "When will the next time you perform in Atlanta?" It will have to be like I don't know when my couch is getting married and I know what's going on between us. He hasn't texted. Don't know. I lived here a long time and I don't think you ever did.

Living here so long to hate cops, but it helps. I have no problem with police officers on the surface. I have a problem with the police on the subway, their board and I know their board, they cause problems, like for me. I come home late at night almost every night of the week and when you come home late on weekdays you get a

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metro card for yourself, like 10 years ago that was scary, now it's refreshing. I feel like I earned it. That's what happened. For me, a couple of months ago, I got on the train late at night.

I was the only person in the car and I did what I always did. I put the headphones on my head, under my feet, on the chair in front of me and distracted myself. A couple of stops go by, this policeman gets on the train, kicks my feet and tells me to put your feet down and I was filled with rage, I was just filled with rage because that is not one of the unspoken rules of the subway if you don't know which ones. are. They are very simple is don't listen to loud music don't buy candy from strangers and don't pee on the train but we all break those rules there are a lot of delays and there is no bathroom but he refused to believe that this guy's captain sat him down and said: hey Sully , when it comes down you'll stop stabbing people, let's get the mansions going, come on bro, let's go back to old New York, remember when we used to open doors for prostitutes, those were the good old ones.

Day, bring that back, that's right because if he's allowed to talk to me like he's my mom and this is our living room, he should be able to respond like he's my mom and this is our living room, hey, come down the feet, hey, why not? you know how to express love I've lived in New York for so long that everyone in my life has been mugged, but to me and everything that's really been done to me has made me wonder why I don't dress better. a lot of free time it's like shit telling people right it's like everyone's goal and it was my goal I mean my parents worked really hard and they still work really hard and I saw it when I was a kid and it was like that It looks horrible.

I'm not going to do that and I've achieved that. I mean, there are 80 hours a week of my time. It's very clear what's crazy to me because no one sat me down and told me it was a key component. enjoying free time is money, you don't have it, there's really not much you can do with it, so I feel like most comics really have two options for what they can do in their free time: you can do drugs or exercise , it's like a prison. exactly like prison I don't do drugs it's usually just me running in a hotel parking lot wishing I did it's really boring that's what I do in my free time I run I run a lot I run marathons which isn't bragging because I'm not good at them these days I'm still finishing the last one.

I've been running marathons almost as long as I've been doing stand-up comedy every time you do something weird or extreme that people aren't supposed to do. Also, which isn't always the case, so it's stand-up comedy, they'll be like, "Oh my God, you're a comedian." I could never do that and I usually agree, I think you're probably a little boring, but they don't do marathons. I don't agree, so it'll be like, "Oh my God, you run marathons." I could never do that and it's like, yeah, you might have to find the right balance between hating yourself and you will.

This is just cardio, this is just an abusive amount of cardio and someone solved family problems and you might not agree with me. I don't think anyone wakes up at 5:00 a.m. m. on a Sunday to run 26 miles in the cold because I like themselves, because you know what confident people don't do. They don't justify or excuse anything, they get up on a Sunday when they feel like it, whatever cheese they want, I've seen it. I didn't always run, although I started running about 10 years ago because I wanted to lose weight, but I kept eating junk food, but now, 10 years later, I run twice as much as I ever thought I would and I actually eat very healthy which seems wrong, I seem to have lost sight of my goals.

I'll be honest, I haven't. Within about 4 months they ended up developing chronic back pain and I did all the typical things to fix it. I went to a chiropractor for a while. I went to an acupuncturist. Nothing really helped. In the end I read this book that more or less says chronic back. Pain is usually psychological and is usually due to unresolved emotional problems. Could you say it? Okay, it just made it too complicated to talk about, so people say, How's marathon training going? and I'm like, "Oh, haven't I developed chronic back pain?" and they'll say how and I'll be like my dad, oh, hi, actually, the other day I was leaving the gym, I was eating a banana and this woman came up to me and said, "You know, there's a lot of sugar and bananas." and I was like, yeah, I know it's not my first banana, like when it then becomes socially acceptable to criticize someone's diet just because you read half a women's health magazine, it's like I'm a tiny person walking out of the gym eating some the earth.

I'm not your target market, let me know, can we bother her? I don't diet much, but I did. I did a pretty extreme Paleo diet with my little sister for a whole month. All we could eat was meat, vegetables and fruits, that's all. a macadamia nut, but it's the worst night. I refused to eat it. I didn't think I was going to get a sweet tooth. I thought I was going to cheat, but after three weeks of this diet, I'm doing amazing. I'm great. diet until I got upset about something and realized that fruit doesn't cure sadness, if anything, it's like a second helping, because cookies release endorphins that make you feel better.

Kiwis remind you that nothing ever works, it's a fruit. uh in a bad year last year, last year I got sick for about six months and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. I went to all these doctors and

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ists that no one knew, in the end I listened to my friends who recommended that I get an allergy test and they were right, I found out that I had some food allergies and what bothers me is that they weren't the cool ones, It's not what all kids do, it's not gluten, peanuts, I'm allergic to yeast, so simplistically speaking, that means I can't drink. beer and I can't eat bread and I learned something very quickly.

I have met happy people who don't drink. I've never met a happy person who doesn't eat bread, just me and a group of women at Weight Watchers wondering why. God Doesn't Love Last year was a particularly bad year for me for so many reasons and it's crazy. It was a difficult time, but I'm actually glad I got through it. It really made me appreciate being a woman. because as a woman I usually have one or two close friends and the good thing about having girlfriends is that when you fall to a very low emotional level, you hang out with each other, you get up and hug each other until you're better and it's actually a really beautiful relationship and I don't know how many guys actually get to experience that the problem with girlfriends is that when you reach a level of depression that they can't handle, they don't know how to say that. and they don't, they don't say, hey, maybe you should see a therapist or, hey, you're putting everyone off, it's brunch, instead what they do is lean on quotes and mantras, which is not helpful, like this which I called about six months ago.

I called my best friend and told her some of the things that were happening to me and her response was, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I can drive and I'm not suicidal. I'm just logical because if I were to make a complete list of all the possible solutions to my problems, it would be on the list, it wouldn't be at the top, it would be at the bottom later. max out my credit card and redo my entire apartment, so if I'm going to kill myself, I'll confuse everyone I know, they'll walk into my house and they'll be like, "Oh my God, why her?" do this her place looks amazing these are our dreams this is really nice I feel like I'm at Ikea I really want to say she's totally right like I can sublease like this is available I'm just saying I was her favorite she called Yesterday I didn't pick him up three times, she was

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.

Hello, I am the daughter of two veterinarians, which I thought was incredible when I was a child, but now I know that they are psychopaths who only kill pets. I

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y believe that all vets are just stunted serial killers, they just never graduated, people who didn't try, they are weird people we have to understand like my older sister is a nurse, my older sister has accidentally killed people, that's wrong. human, that's how it happens. My mother, on the other hand, is a cat

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ist. My mother has deliberately killed hundreds of cats. she's been doing it for over 30 years, she's gotten a little tired, she's saying some things I don't agree with, like I called her a couple weeks ago and I was just complaining about my cat, it was like she threw up in my bed.

I'm so angry right now. I just made my sheets and she said: Do you want me to kill them? I said: What the hell mom? She is like that. I have a kitten in my office right now. You could start over with something nicer. toughest cat. I'm giving you options here, of course, I thought, well, is it available? She says no, but I'll just say it, husband with scar cancer or something you don't know, it's crazy. I'm a cat lady. That's weird, I've been a cat lady before she was cool, by the way, my mom is a cat specialist.

She lived next to a cat clinic. I've had cat posters my whole life. I don't know, I did the past tense. I currently have cat posters since I was four years old, but it's weird for me because I only have one cat, but people treat me like a real cat lady. Look, people come up to me all the time and say, Hi, how are your cats and me? They'll say, oh, it's just one and they'll say it's weird, it feels like there's a lot of them and that's an Instagram problem. You post 14 photos of your only cat.

People think there are 14 cats. Everyone says my cat is no different from any other. watching cat my dad loves to tell However, I have stories like my dad when this new client recently came in and he was chatting, justI would ask simple things, he would say: Oh, what do you do for a living? and she's like, Oh, I do criminal forensics and he's like, oh, that's cool, and she got really serious and said, "I just want to let you know, dr. Miele dogs are loyal. He said, "That's okay. What do you mean by that?" and she said, "Well, a lot of times we find these bodies, they've been dead for like three or four days and every time there's a dog, the dog just sits next to the body." Just Waiting, cats eat my face every time my dad likes to look in my eyes.

He says, "That doesn't surprise you. I was kind of surprised. I thought, "Do you know how many mornings I wake up screaming? I don't care, they're beautiful little terrorists who don't love you, they don't want you. I guess I'll tell them more about myself. I take birth control, that's why I look like I'm 12. I did it ago." 15 years because I didn't want to have kids, but now I wake up every morning with no acne and that seems to be the real reason I'm in it, just fucking guys and not washing my face, living the feminist dream I think for the most part. of women take the birth control pill at the same time every day for it to be effective, so most women set an alarm on their phone.

I do something a little different. I take my pill every time a baby cries. incredibly effective. It could also be effective. I have been known to take it seven times a day. It has a lot of side effects. I don't recommend it to everyone. The first side effect is that I am here a lot. secondary that I used to take. being taller she has to weigh those options I've been on birth control for so long I don't really know my true personality I may be a good person there's no way to know I've been on them since I was a teenager on part of me Some part of me feels like I should quit it, get it out of my system, find out if I'm really a problem, if I'm NOT a problem I'll just do it again but continue to blame the hormone, you'll be like Liz, why?

Are you always in a bad mood all the time? And I say, "Well, there's a beautiful, caring, thoughtful person deep inside me, busy killing babies. I don't want to have kids, and in fact, I don't want to get married. I really don't." I believe in marriage and I feel like more people should feel that way but apparently that's just me and divorced men would get, oh if I was ever tricked into marriage I would make a great second wife because I don't care, not at a wedding. I don't want to call. I don't think I need my husband to pay attention to me.

I'm pretty sure I'm just looking for someone to binge eat and watch movies with for fun. A lucky marriage is a legal bond that you must have. I feed my cat when I'm out of town I'm running out of money I'm trying to go on a date Even though I guess I make eye contact It's just Dee I'm scaring people It's not appropriate anymore You look at your phone and move Keep on with your life I don't believe in love at first sight, which I don't think you had to say after you were 14. I thought we all understood that.

You'd be surprised to meet a lot of people like you would meet a guy. Recently, it was like I met my wife 10 years ago, I saw her across the room and I knew I loved her and I thought that's great mate, but anyone can love someone without talking to them, well you just have to. luck. She didn't have a shitty personality because by those standards I fall in love every hour on the subway, but all it takes is to notice that she folds her jeans and listens to what she believes and ghosts and it's over her love at first sight the love fades away real happens after you've listened to all their dumb ideas and you still want to make out with them, I know this because I'm single, I've had more time to think about theories and yes I'm single, but I know why I'm single.

I think I think that's an important distinction. In fact, I think I'm part of the first generation to really understand why we can't date. There are so many blogs. There is too much Internet for you not to know. I am single because I am emotionally draining. Think about all the jokes I just made. Eliminate the punch line that is dating me. The problem is that I used to think I was unattractive, but I've had enough boyfriends and been seeing a therapist long enough to know that I'm nice. cute but not cute enough because of how emotionally exhausting you see the problem the way I see it is positive because everything is in my hands if you think about it this way if I'm cute here but exhausting here I have to find a way how balance it so I can um, I could wear heels and try to jog, do any kind of exertion or I could stop reading every text message as an attack on my character, those are my options, don't worry about him, I'm not.

Am I going to do any of them? I'm just going to contain more things that will be streaming on Netflix. I'm going to buy a thermal blanket, that's my winter plan. Every person needs a solid winter plan. I already have a cat. I'm pretty much there if you get one more cat you turn them into pictorial muscles you never need a man that's how I'm Italian I like them furry if not you just get Sphinx same thing you wonder why people turn into cat ladies, it's just them. It's just pictorial muscle stuff. I'm going to lose people if I keep talking about cats.

Part of me is like edit edit. I'll be honest. I broke up with my ex. I broke up with my ex a year ago because of him. I did it for him. He was a good guy and a beautiful man. He would recommend it to my friends. He would if he were a restaurant. I would give it a solid review. I would give it five stars. I thought he had great service. Beautiful. pet friendly environment he liked my cat I would say the biggest problem was the distance because I live very deep in Brooklyn he lived in Washington Heights the New York subway system took an hour and a half can you imagine how Maybe that distance could increase? relationship expectations because if he lives five blocks away, I might give a he might be a woman, I'd masturbate for convenience, but an hour and a half away you better be a crazy demon, you better give me a winning lottery ticket because I'm in a bad mood, don't touch me, my Kindle died an hour ago, my breakdancers almost kicked me in the face.

I found out that I don't love you anymore. Lots of time to reflect, he made me realize that we should all be dating the same way. Being local is good for your heart and the environment. I'm just a good person. The real reason we broke up is because he cried a lot and before you judge me I'm not degrading him because I cry a lot so he cries like any other day and he cried three times in a year and a half and I just decided it was too much , isn't that the hypocrisy between men and women is that I can cry as much as I need, but they should be together and I feel bad about it, I feel bad, I feel like that, but it was actually very important for my own emotional growth because it made me understand the other side of dating me, so what would happen is we started a fight.

I would start crying immediately because I have emotional problems and then why would I also win the fight by default because now we have a situation that happened to me three times and I thought, oh my God, this is so unfair. Now I understand where the resentment comes from. I did not like. I felt bad about myself. I wanted to fix it, so I tried to fix it. I would say the first thing I did was find a therapist and I would say that reduced my crying by 20%, not because I am emotionally better. because I keep it for her, she has good tissues like the ones with the lotion.

I don't have that kind of money and I thought the most important thing I did was I finally got off the birth control pill and now I have a pimple of acne under my makeup, which is my new birth control. He's doing a great job, but it's crazy. I reduced my crying by 50%. You do not understand? I actually feel like a normal person, that blows my mind. I was very angry at the medical institution because they prescribed that pill to me when I was a teenager and no one batted an eye, no one thought about it and yes, I haven't had a child in 15 years, but there are some things that can be done.

You have alerted me to maybe some symptoms. We could have talked about some things. You could have prepared me for some dos and don'ts. funny, ah, you gain 5-10 pounds of water weight, no matter how much you exercise it never goes away and people just feel the need to use the word bloated around you like it doesn't hurt your feelings but your skin does. It looks amazing, people used to come up to me from the street and tell me I had the skin of an angel and they would ask me what my secret was and I would just tell them that I eat well, but I never did, it's all uphill with nobody. will i ever love you again this is the worst thing that could be that could be the best thing that joke ever made I'd like to stick to that joke it's not funny you guys are just good people and I just like it Sabotage all my jokes, it's weird man yeah I remember when people used to try to help you.

Remember how people used to help you? Dated like ten years ago I remember that like you told a friend you were single and I'd be like, oh there's this guy Bill in my office, I think you guys would really get along, that doesn't happen anymore if you've been single more than six months, for some reason, they are kind of a victim, they say, hey, what's up? Bill and they say, I mean, I have to work with him, Liz, I mean, it's a really shitty economy, you're really selfish. I mean, he's my backup plan too, like if my husband dies and I accidentally drown all my kids.

I mean, he's a really good guy, I think we have a good life together, so they recommend online dating, which used to be one of many options for some reason, now it's your only option. People are as you should. Online dating for you is for people with faces that no one likes. you should do that it's for people who can't spell they can't spell you guys couldn't write essays together a beautiful life which is fine but like dating it's like a strange place it's like a strange place place with strange rules full of strange people It's hard to get your bearings you know, for me I talk about myself professionally for a living and I didn't know how to write a profile about myself I gave up so quickly all I wrote was that I had a cat and I didn't get up that's all I I wrote it didn't matter I got a message in five minutes it was like you had a cat I have nine rats I replied we are not the same it's weird I don't know if you guys have been online dating but have you ever met someone who has been online dating for too much time?

It's starting to sound, it's starting to sound like the same people have been institutionalized, they always say the same thing, they're like yeah, maybe I'm crazy or maybe this place drives me crazy, you talk to these guys, they've been hanging out online too long , they. You say yes, maybe I have weird sexual fetishes or maybe this place gave me weird sexual fetishes, stop judging me, we're on a date, I love that laugh, it's very helpful, I'm sorry, I'm recovering from a cold today, Today is the first day I felt. better and then I told a friend on the phone and I started yelling like I usually do and I thought this is not the day to have this conversation.

I thought: be yourself tomorrow you have to talk for two hours. I don't. mind online dating because it's really good for the material, it's crazy because they date new ones all the time, like the newest one is Tinder, you guys on Tinder, if you don't know about Tinder, please let me have the pleasure of explaining to you Tinder because this is not Tinder, it's an app on your phone and all it is is a face, a name on an age, okay, then face Jason 30 and from that information, or you're in the face of Jason or not, you don't. his face you're probably not that X in the corner you press the It's an addiction that can't be explained or justified, it's so funny, it's so funny that I don't really understand how people get to the actual dating part of the tool, so let's say you like Jason's face, if you do you do, there is a little heart in the corner you press the heart let's say he likes your face press the heart and then it opens in a chat room and then you start talking we are all fine with this, the only thing I know for sure is that this guy has a nose and now we're talking sorry that's not that's not enough information for me I have preliminary questions question number one do you have a job I don't have a job if you don't have a job either that's a lot of attention contact us and get to know each other too quickly let's move quickly on this relationship in about three days you need to be busy for us question number two I need to know if you are too religious I am so unreligious that I don't I don't want to go into any old buildings.

I'm going to read important books. If you've prayed for anything more than a parking spot in the last six years, you're not interested in question number three, probably the most important question I need to know if you're alive. inNew Jersey I'm from New Jersey I don't care how sexy you are I'm not going back decisive hashtag the one I actually ended up doing things with his eye he was on I joined OkCupid and I'm glad I joined OkCupid and I learned a lot about myself .Like I know I'm a girl, I've never felt like a girly person but now I know I am because the only reason I didn't want to join that website is because I still wanted the story, I think all women Here I want the story of how you met your boyfriend, how you met your husband, you want it to be good, but it's like it's a comic.

I want my story to be epic, how did I start to be something like standing on the ground? subway platform and I was texting but I lost my balance and dropped my phone in the tunnel and then when a train was coming this guy jumps into the tunnel and almost got hit by a train, he jumps and hands me my phone , your name and number. on it and his name would be Odyssey, but in case that doesn't happen and he meets someone on this website, I would never tell anyone because it's disgusting when I tell people we met in a subway bathroom because yeah You know something about New York City, you know there's only one functioning subway bathroom in the entire system, so it feels like destiny and makes for a really beautiful story.

It would be like he was drunk. I had a urinary tract infection, we looked each other in the eyes, washed our hands and then exchanged numbers. then we had sex in a bathroom, don't judge me, this is my beautiful story. I've been on exactly five OkCupid dates, which means I wrote five emails to my roommates titled "Please seek justice if you are murdered." I don't think it's real. fear is murder I think real fears I've been doing stand-up comedy for 12 years and then I'm going to be murdered and people still won't know who I am. It's a bittersweet joke.

You guys are upset because you support me. Like I don't know, I'm like a part of me is like I don't know, like I'm dyslexic, that's something I like to tell people right away, yeah, I actually had to tell people right away because sometime I will text you and sometime you will be confused. I didn't know I was dyslexic when I was a kid. I just thought it was dumb because I read really slowly and I'm really terrible at spelling, but I didn't. It even matters when I was a kid because I had the best friend of all time because every Friday in elementary school we had a spelling test and every Friday she let me copy her spelling test, which was amazing then, but now it's been 20 years. later and I call her like, hey Danny, I'm texting a guy, how do you spell serial killer?

I've lived in New York, I see, for a long time and I moved here like I said from Jersey and I moved, I moved to New York with two fears, my two main fears were murder and rape and I don't want to sound ignorant, but neither of those things have happened and interestingly they are no longer my top two fears, my new two top fears are getting peed on. sitting and peeing and I have little brothers so the second has happened frequently and I just started online dating so the first is bound to happen. I want to give anyone who is dating online some hope.

I met a guy online, that's how. I don't find out what is a strange way to give hope, we have to understand that there are still people who do not use their credit card on the Internet. Me, an internet guy. I am a success story and a survivor. I want a t-shirt. I think he was my boyfriend. He always texted me back. Do you want to know something about the modern woman? If you text me before my friends. You are my boyfriend? That works now, but thanks to him I found the only benefit of online dating that He was the sexiest man I've ever dated in the history of my life?

So everyone I've ever dated was here and he was here with kittens and rainbows and stuff. I enjoy posting on Instagram in a weird way because I think most people do. I know that when you meet someone in person you connect and it is through that connection that you build an attraction and it is through that dating method that I have accidentally dated many ugly men, I can't do that online, there is no nothing to connect with if I have never been online dating. This is exactly what happens. You go through a really bad breakup and you're single for like a year and you get really sad and your friends are like, "Oh my god, you're so sad," maybe you should do it again. there with other sad people so you make new friends and they introduced you to online dating even though it never worked for them so you go home cry make a profile and just judge the people you make it's super easy. you're like oh those are your eyebrows I'm not doing that I'm taking care of my face maybe you should take care of yours oh your mountain climbing that looks really fun I'm not I'm not doing it energy or time or them I'm not going to take you up on the mountain, that's a long day, I'm not going to do that and that's what you're doing, you're judging faces and hobbies and you're really just boiling it down to what's most important, which is: I want you to be within me, you send a message to all those guys and you just hope that one comes back with a shitty childhood because that's where the personality comes from, that's why I've been so charming.

I will say that this is what I have learned from being single for so long. I learned that I suffer from the type of depression that leads to excessive cat ownership. It's real and it can happen to you when you're 20 years old. I don't think people understand that, as a society. We're just one devastation away from getting a cat, whether you like them or not, everyone in this room five years from now won't have a cat because you're not moving to a new city and you know how I'm going to assimilate. I'm going to get something that doesn't leave home.

That is not how it works. It is not conscious. Something bad has to happen to you and then they fall into your life. So for me, I'm very sensitive. Everything hurts my feelings. one bad day at university i came home with the cat i felt good for three years it really helped me but you guys might be stronger you might need something else maybe you need like losing your job after 30 years and feeling like less of a man or something like that losing a leg due to diabetes is a real thing and if you no longer agree with this joke it is because you have a job and you have both legs, you can experience a real loss, yes, because if you have sex you are prone to having an accident. kid, but if no one is you, you'll have a cat accident because all you need is a bad breakup you're walking down the street sad, they're delivering the mail for free because no one cares about cats now you have your best friend, you can or you can I don't remember feeding this was this was a really important year for me this was this was like this was my fifth year of seeing a therapist which is important to me because I struggled with it I thought it was so hard that I didn't want anything to do with it. with that and I'm glad I was in therapy, it really opened me up because it made me understand why I say and do certain things and I've made some of the biggest decisions I've made in the past.

So the biggest decision I've made is to do stand-up. I actually started when I was a kid. I started when I was a teenager and I always thought I did stand-up because I hated my family, but it turns out I do. up because I am a product of mental illness and abuse and I don't blame my parents because my parents are a product of mental illness and abuse and I have a cat and she is a product of mental illness, she has to be right. I'm the only person who could keep her awake. I've had it all her life.

I bought her when she was a kitten. Well, five weekends fit in my hand within a few hours of having it. I realized I had the wrong kitten. She sucked. I thought I had an unconditional love for cats until I met my cat, but now it's been like nine years and she is great, she loves me, she sleeps on my face, she follows me from room to room, the girl seems to be in the room in which I am. Sometimes because if I exclude her she cries relentlessly on the other side because she thinks something wonderful is happening inside her.

I have created a cat with some of the worst abandonment problems I have ever seen in my life that I only recognize because they mirror my own and I am telling you all this because I probably did something psychologically better a couple of months ago and now I know I have no one Who to blame but myself. I screamed my cat's name while she was having sex. That happened and before you judge me, it was like that. not passionate it wasn't like a paste what sure is the saddest part of this joke that's his night he was like a divorced mom who hasn't been well for a long time he was angry it was me I'm afraid even myself and It intensified in a way that I don't think I can accurately describe because what happened is I brought this guy home and I closed the door because I have roommates and I'm a good person and inside me.

A couple of minutes later my cat starts crying outside the door and I don't know what to do because this is my moment I'm not depressed no I don't get up so I start with the first thing that came to mind I started with Cesar Millan, the whisperer of dogs, she and I think this guy thinks I'm having an orgasm, but he failed at the last moment, I have no idea what's going on, so I finally yell in his ear and he doesn't call me back. I started seeing a guy. recently and he hasn't heard that joke, it's crazy, even though I met him in the real world and I'm starting to think that's not the way you should do it, or you make mistakes, he's careless like the guy I'm dating . right now he's a lot older than me, he's actually older than my high school english teacher who i really had a crush on, so part of me feels like i should tell people that he was my high school english teacher. high school and just living that fantasy.

People say, "Hey, how did you meet?" and I'll say, "Well, I wrote this essay full of grammatical errors. I think this guy really wanted me." The biggest problem with dating someone much older is his recoil. Thursday's photos are older than you. We are currently and that's confusing, we always wear the same outfit because fashion comes back, he's actually the second guy in a row I've dated that suffers from night terrors so it's nice to know that I have a guy and I don't have the problem of Being yelled at in my sleep is strangely comforting right now, so I'm from a big Italian family, so I talk loudly and curse a lot, ha ha, I'm actually the second oldest of five children. and I'm very close to all my siblings, but I'm especially close to my little brother Sam.

My little brother Sam is about 10 years younger than me and the good thing about my relationship with Sam is that he only knows me as a comedian. and it kind of influences who I am as a person. I am very honest with him. I always tell him what he is like. I have never lied to him and always thought he was a beautiful part of our friendship until recently when I realized it. that we have no limits and that is important that's how I discovered it a couple of months ago my sister my little sister my little brother we were living together at that time not too far from me and I probably entered into one of the strangest conversations to an older sister.

I walked in and found my little brother telling my little sister these funny jokes about sexual positions. Do you know what I'm talking about? They always have a title like the rusty trombone, yeah. Thank you for your contribution, sir, there is always something between two women like you who come to RI and that is the name of the pirate, so this is the one I came in with, you tell my sister that it is a guy or a girl from the back, that guy comes out, another guy starts her off, but the first guy walks up to a window and waves at her and his name is poltergeist and he laughs and laughs and says, isn't Liz so funny, how funny?

Isn't your comedian so funny? How funny, that's so funny and I thought I'd been in a male-dominated field for 12 years. I've heard every fucked up thing you can do to a woman and it's always something that ruins her hair and I'm not okay with that anymore, I worry about my hair so I decided to tell someone who essentially travels the world and does the spoken word that it is my responsibility to spread feminist sexual positions, so I have a lot of free time. I came up with three number one positions. It's a guy who fucks a woman, she squirts in his face and he learns to respect women.

It's called the 19th amendment. It saves energy. There are two more positions. Number two is a woman riding a guy. She takes him about 30% away from orgasm. but she gets up and leaves. It's called the Equal Pay Act and position number three is my favorite. She's just a woman masturbating in the kitchen. A guy comes in sad. It's called Make Your Own Dinner. Thank you. I really appreciate everyone being here, I think. Halfway through that hour I thought he was talking a lot about sadness and cats. um, that might have to be the title of the CD, but thank you very much for coming.

I really appreciate it, a lot of people know me. I have been following my career for too long, unfortunately I have been dating someone who has been following my career andI really appreciate it, it really means a lot to me.