Dating Over 40 Is Like Thrift Store Shopping. Joe DeVito - Full Special

living room I heard him speed up in the garage I had never seen him drive so fast he just hit eight feet at

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speed into the side of my car and I ran I said oh wow son You're okay I couldn't believe I had to ask this. I told him, didn't you see my car was there and he got mad at me? My dad said, well, usually your car isn't there when I go out. I told him: Hello dad, let's not do it. I drive from memory the world is changing it's changing all the time and my mother is worse because my mother is shrinking that's what happens to Italians as we get older we just keep getting smaller and smaller I saw what happened my grandparents became in little Italian salt and pepper shakers you can hold them it's like a Disney movie so my mom cringes and drives looking through the steering wheel like she has a hula hoop in her hands That's not safe the other drivers don't even know she's there , they just see the haunted Honda sliding through traffic, so this is what I want to do.

I want to give Mom one of those big wooden boat wheels, you know, the ones with the knobs. and that way we can stay in the middle of the board and she can drive standing up like a pirate, let's put a parrot on her shoulder, okay, I'd go to the deli that comes with me, although it's nice to visit them. I forgot that my dad is one of the best of all time. He clears his throat, sounding like he has a big announcement coming up. Fine-tuning, he'd like to start every morning with 20 minutes of this, as if he could tell he couldn't achieve it, so he had to approach it from different angles.

Here we think, what are you trying to let go at eight? clock in the morning you swallow a pineapple during the night my sister and I would laugh my mother would yell this don't make fun of your father and then she would yell at him frank stop it I couldn't even defend myself yet I wouldn't have laughed if I knew it was hereditary. I have the gene. I have the hat gene. It's frightening. Oh man, and I like it. I said I try to date younger women. That is an error. Every man believes he can get away with anything.

Because we are so delusional, every man thinks he is just one bathrobe away from being one. Hugh Hefner dedicated himself to it. Now I tried to date a woman a little younger than me and I'll give you some advice if you want. I'm on a date with someone who is 20 years younger. When your food comes out, don't take out your vitamins. It doesn't look good. And I have the tray with the compartments that she has never seen. She thought it was a harmonica. Now I have to walk. she through everything okay uh these are my fish oil capsules so I apologize if we're kissing and there's a weird burp this is my glucosamine and chondroitin mix which explains the creak my knees made when we sat down uh these three They're stuck together but I'm taking them anyway and this is a dime I was about to swallow so I'm glad I'm trying to stay healthy.

I'm back in the gym. I am very sore right now. How long are you supposed to rest? In between workouts because it was six years I felt like this if I can't recover I can't and I know I went to my gym and they put up these motivational signs to scare you into doing a good workout and they put a new one next to the squat rack and I said, " weigh more, go home", so I got heavy. I should have gone home. I went to do my squats. I went down to the bottom and stayed there.

I couldn't get up again. I had to crawl out. under the bar, that sounds familiar to me because the guys at the gym saw that they made a big noise and there are things you want to hear those guys say, you want to hear things like you get it, oh, don't you want to hear things like, are you okay? , Sir? Do you need us to call someone? Do you wear a

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bracelet? Sir, can you hear me? Can you hear me, of course? Right next to me, a very large bouncer on the next squat rack had 600 pounds on the bar, looked at me and said, can you give me a spot?

I don't like how you laughed at that. I already told you. I told him I don't even think I can stop that if something goes wrong. I told him the best thing I can do is try to talk to you. I got out of this and did it, he went home, we actually left, we have something, but the way your body turned, I went to brush my teeth, I thought I was going to go in and out for a couple minutes, no There's a problem, they didn't let me leave first. The dentist and her doctor are assistants whatever you call them her little minion there they come with this tray of tools like I'm in a muffler shop she's working on my mouth pushing and scraping and poking and sticking all this stuff in there and then when she's done, He said: I noticed a little bleeding in your gums.

Have you noticed any bleeding recently? I said: how recently? You mean because everything was fine when I came in before you started stabbing me in the face? That little ice pick. I have a tooth. that's moving right up front that's what anyone here under 40 has to wait for one day a random tooth says oh time to take a trip around your face right there the dentist saw what he said I realized that you got a little bit of crowding that's what she called it crowding like my face was a bus stop. Warning: you have a bit of crowding.

Have you ever thought about braces? Yes, I thought about them all the time when I had them. She was 12 years old. Well, you're not going to need braces again twice in a lifetime, so I refuse to go bald and have a retainer at the same time. braces, ooh, do they come with some acne and a leopard t-shirt so we can relive the 80s? His next question, I thought he was playing with me, straight face. A dentist said: Do you grind your teeth when you are asleep? Oh, I'll have to check the nighttime dental camera, so I grind my teeth.

The dentist said I need a mouthguard if you don't know what a mouthguard is for. For only eight hundred dollars they will make a custom orthodontic device the size of a horseshoe that I will put on my face every night to prevent it from biting me and that won't be a hit with women, I'm so glad. You could spend the night just give me a moment here so I don't gouge your eyes out okay she has breakfast what woman wants to wake up next to Hannibal Lecter I said I'm not going to spend 800 on a mouth guard it would be cheaper to put a wad of cash in my mouth every time nights, nibbling on that and then it occurred to me that I thought I could probably find a better deal online and I did.

I went to Amazon instead of an $800 mouthguard and bought a 12 pack 3.45 before I went to sleep I put that flimsy mail order mouthguard in my mouth and I don't know if it worked because when I woke up it was gone I don't know If I swallowed it maybe it's under the bed I don't know and I don't care I have 11 more left baby free shipping from Amazon Prime I'll put the whole box in my mouth I don't care I'm making money with this so then the end insult me Dentist tells me I have acid reflux My dentist turns out that at night while I'm sleeping the stomach acid reflux I guess first flows and thinks that's very good and then refluxes again and again thanks to the acid reflux.

I am eroding my teeth from behind, but the good news is that by grinding I am eroding my teeth from the front, so, according to my dentist, within two years I will have eaten and digested my entire head and by the year 2025 only shoes with glasses. That's all that's left that I would have dissolved my entire body and slept through the entire process to wait for it. It sounds like that, I know the young people here can't, can't understand what I'm telling them, but it's the truth. Listen, it looks like you're on an excursion. How old are you? 28? you have two years left to do something interesting you want to do anything crazy you have to do it before you're 30 so if you want to do something any bungee jumping or getting up from a chair too fast you have to do it now it's okay, they hate you a lot, thank you very much, Young man, we could cut off your arm and it would grow back like a starfish, you have no idea how much power you have, it's annoying. anyone under 40 gives me their opinion I say two words you see someone who is 20 I can barely hear what you say I look at you and all I see are stem cells I can melt you down and inject you into my ankle oh man so I still get a lot Pressure from my family to settle down, I feel bad, my poor father took me aside, he said you know your mother and I really want grandchildren and I said, well then you better get on with it, but the guilt trip I still went to visit my family and my mother and father cornered me yelling at me I'm a grown man both of us freaking out Joseph you need a plan you don't have children to take care of you when you get old, that's when I realized, uh, They think I'm going to take care of them now, who needs a plan, no, I would like to have children someday, but just for a day, because they are very annoying, constant demands, uh, dressing me, feeding me.

Let me sleep inside. When will it end? But some people have great kids. This is incredible. A friend of mine just had a baby. He has an extra finger on one hand. I am delighted. I am very excited. And anyone else. wants to talk about it it's a family friend and I found out because my mom left a voicemail a strange message judy just had a beautiful baby girl but she has six fingers on one hand don't say anything click so I called her back and said , well, the finger is on the kid's hand, right, yes, of course, well, no, if the fingers come out of her forehead, we have some problems right, unless you know, unless she has glass, it's something convenient, so look, I look at the positive side.

No offense to any unicorns here, but on your hand it's so much nicer to have that extra finger, so I went to see the baby and when I walked in people took me aside and told me not to draw attention to the extra. finger and said yeah that's the only reason I'm here you think I just came to see people's babies what are you crazy? I'm delighted, I say, get that kid a guitar, think about it, that could be the next Van Halen lady, there she is. bonus, it's a bonus, you've never heard that before, yeah, dun dun dun dun wow, you'll hear you think well, we've heard it before, done, done, done, but dun dun dun dun, that's a whole new sound, it's a hit record, right? there, keep it there, so I took, I took those parents aside and I said, listen, don't listen to these other people, it's okay, no one is going to make fun of your child.

You tell yourself it's a blessing to have that beautiful, healthy little six-fingered one. strange baby, that's a gift, okay, that's good luck and I'll tell you why, because that kid will win every argument that starts with, first of all, why don't you know he has one in the bedroom, uh-huh, he has a bonus, she has backup, okay, so you'll make your big argument and your argument and your points that you think were resolved and suddenly I don't know where it hits you and in conclusion I think you win again, six-fingered baby. you have been a pleasure my name is joe

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thank you very much