Bron Lewis – Comedy Up Late 2023 Melbourne International Comedy Festival

hello hello hello God, it's good to be out. I'm living with a guy right now who doesn't speak English. I know it's very unpopular to say this, but it's really annoying. I mean, he just turned two. Here your whole life, you know, assimi

late

, you fool, baby, you know, we're trying to teach you to speak English, we're, we're trying to, we're teaching you words that you need to know to survive, you know, because we want you to survive. a beautiful baby we love him very much but most of all we want him to survive because we don't want to start over you know, we are teaching words to survive like um food when he is hungry, he says the food is excellent, he made it when he is thirsty. we're trying to teach him how to say agua, he's having a hard time with that because we pronounce it agua, he pronounces it PA and that's a little funny because the educated people in the room know that paa in Spanish means and that's a It's a little funny , you know, so I have this little guy in this Terry Tally overalls running around my house as a personal assistant.

I think he's amazing, he doesn't know how to go a whole day without pants, but he does. how to embarrass myself in another language that is advanced i got my eyebrows done recently thank you so much for noticing oh thank you she wanted to make small talk although i hate small talk i hate it so much all i want to do is take my hard earned money from a industry that capitalizes on women's insecurities, I give my money to a poorly paid migrant to pull the hair out of my face to please society in silence, you know that's a lot.

I ask my esthetician colleague. I ask him what I do. I have to do so that the small talk doesn't happen my partner said oh easy just go b b b b b don't talk to me imagine saying that and then asking for a Brazilian would you walk out of there without a clitoris you know I like him a lot I really like my two too eyebrows so I went in to get my eyebrows done she started the small talk and I joined in I did my best she asked me a question I wasn't prepared for and said I.

I'll go into character which one is your favorite Does anyone here have a favorite eyebrow like they're not a psychopath? I have normal favorite things like favorite season. Favorite summer pizza. The favorite vegetarian child, the middle one. I don't have a favorite eyebrow, but. You want these people to like you because it's the most intimate you've had in a long time, so I thought I'd participate. I went, oh yeah, which of my eyebrows is your favorite. She said, "Oh, easy baby, you." The right eyebrow is beautiful and I know she thought it was a compliment, but now all I can think about is what's wrong with my left eyebrow, shaving it off and starting over trying to get better at beauty things.

Makeup is very boring for me. It's very boring and very difficult for me, but as a female artist I have to paint my features so you know which Hol is making the sound. um, it's this one from tonight. Phew, there I am. I went to the tutorials, the makeup tutorials, they're so boring. They are out there, there are tons of them, they are so boring, one was good, it went viral, most of you would have seen it, it was very good, one lady said that if you want your makeup to last longer, you just have to apply a thin base. of personal lubricant, does anyone here have lubricant on their face tonight yet?

I just don't, I don't know, I just don't think I would feel like a million bucks if I covered my face in lube, you know, because as a woman Lube has a certain scent to it, it smells like faure ok, it smells like 10 years of marriage, it smells like day. on his birthday my partner heard that joke for the first time when he brought a lot of his friends to one of my concerts on his birthday and don't worry, I didn't gross him out, um, uh, my uh, my partner had a vasectomy and give me a round of applause if you've had a vasectomy, okay, the rest of you cowards, cowards, it hurt me, it hurt him, it hurt him, it hurt so much. sad, it hurt him, guys, it hurt him so sad that he cost $580, that's the only part he hurt me.

What?, it hurt him so much that he had to come home. I had to have the whole next day off, the whole next day off and. he had to spend that day lying on the couch and I was there too so I could see him lying on the couch watching The Passion of the Christ holding a bag of frozen peas in his ball sack while crying and I could tell just from that image . we wasted $580 because I will never root it again you guys have been wonderful I have been BR L that much