You Don’t Know Your Mom Is Crazy Until You’re Older. Jose Sarduy - Full Special

the air force and people like oh you look too young to be a lieutenant colonel, like you should have seen him when he was 23. lieutenant flying cargo planes looked like he was 14 which was horrible for the passengers he had a war 2 vet World get on a plane, what are you doing on the plane, kid, I'm

your

pilot, sir, it's like we're taking a train, man, but I love it. As a service member, I have to answer questions. People have a lot of questions because they don't

know

much about airplanes or the service and I love it because most of the questions are stupid.

I love stupid questions because I put them in my program. Of them start off sounding smart, someone said: oh you were a cargo pilot, yeah I flew cargo planes, it's like you ever refuel in the air, you go after another plane in the sky and get gas, I was like, yeah, we used to do that, he's like When you were there, you went out and talked to the other pilot. I'm in the air force, man, not Cirque du Soleil, what do you think we string ropes like I'm coming to see you, Bobby? I don't

know

which one is my favorite.

Silly story This is my favorite silly story. I've heard it a few times, so my favorite example was in Boise, Idaho, and this nice

older

lady came up and said, "That was so funny, you've been in the Air Force 22 years." I was 22 at the time, I wasn't 22. It was 22 and I said yes ma'am, like my neighbor's son had just finished boot camp in the army. He is stationed in Georgia. Do you know, Jimmy? Maybe I just wish he knew. I've been in war and all that. I wish I had good stories for you. Not all of my stories are weird or embarrassing.

As if I were flying towards Baghdad in the night of 2003. We see machine gun fire approaching us. Called. on the radio i tried to sound cool baghdad tower elevator 4702 we have ground fire north of the field its cool right they said 4702 hold did you just say hold like you were on the phone with sprint or something? The guy calls back 4702 Don't worry, they're celebrating in the city tonight, they won't shoot you, they're shooting their guns in the air and I'm like, well that's a relief, except I'm in the air, that didn't sound good . Day, some of the stories sound good in the synopsis, but then when you hear the real story, it's not good, it's not a good story, I'll tell you one, I avoided an international incident, yeah, it sounds great, just you wait, 2004, we are flying to. dakar senegal west africa drop off supplies there to the embassy and if you were there at the time you should probably get tested.

I know that if you were there to detect malaria, if you were there at the time, you might know this. You couldn't make a big To buy anything over five thousand dollars on credit, you had to pay cash, no big deal, until you had to refuel a three hundred thousand pound cargo plane, which weighed seventy five thousand pounds of gasoline , which amounted to 114 thousand dollars and we had to pay in cash. Who do you think they sent with the money? Was it a squad of Marines or Navy Seals or Army Rangers? No. They sent First Lieutenant Star Dewey, who had earned a B-minus in hand-to-hand combat and I thought the money.

It would be in a silver box along with the tight bills. Now they handed it to me in a used Nike gym bag with broken zippers, a Nike gym bag with a used knife and the bills were loose like I had just robbed a bank and them. They're like that's what they call lieutenants. I'm going to pay for the gas. I was alone. I don't know, but you should know that you might not know, but you should know that I became an expert in the m16 rifle because the next guy. For me it was shortsighted and I kept shooting my target like an expert, he had 35 out of 40 holes.

He had 47 holes in my goal. They told me you're really good. I say, yeah, I make the bullets go in, go out and come back. I'm a wizard so they're like we're joking we'll give you reinforcements we'll send the accounting lieutenant this is a kid who was too short to be a pilot that's why he went into accounting you know how short you are It has to be a place where they don't let you be pilot, this stool could be a pilot, so they say that accounting lieutenant is

your

backup. I was like, well, you're not going to see this money again like we're joking.

We're going to send real reinforcements. Let's send the crows with you. The crows are security forces personnel who fly with us to your locations to protect them and if you don't know what security forces they are, they are. members of the united states military who joined together to shoot guns and blow things up, but what they really do is stand at the front door for eight hours a day and check identification, never shoot guns or blow up anything, these are people who They want things to go away. down, I know this because one of them came up and said, hey, we can't carry weapons there, but don't worry, we have these batons spread out in our sleeves, anything happens, we've got your back, I was like I'm going to die, like this that I'm walking, I have a bag of money, I have the lieutenant, I have the two guys from the security forces, I'm thinking, you know what I'm exaggerating, this is an international airport, everything will be fine and I was wrong.

I opened the door, it's a dark room, there's a light and it swings like we're in a haunted house, the accounting lieutenant and I walk in with the bag of money like Shaggy and Scoob, I see over here standing there, two guards, I say like since they weren't wearing a uniform or, unless you think of a uniform as a Somali pirate starter kit, they had sandals with holes in the pants, gold teeth from Ak-47s, it was terrifying and from the back room of the back office, In the dark, I hear the deepest voice ever like what do you want? and we both went, we screamed like we were in a haunted house and then I couldn't stop screaming, we want to pay for the gas, so I said, "Okay, so I'll give you the money, Lieutenant." Say go pay for gas now, here's the thing.

If you were in West Africa, if you go to West Africa today, you might know that everyone there is very tall, so the counter came up to the lieutenant's eye level. He had to drop the bag of money to get it up there and then he had to stand on tiptoe like a kid in an ice cream shop like he wanted chocolate, that's what it looked like, so the guy slides the receipt, the lieutenant looks at him and says, ah sir, you have to sign. the receipt and the man said no no no son, you take it and then the accounting lieutenant who was super short said oh are you going to sign it or we are not going to accept it and I stayed here like what are you doing?

Going oompa loompa the guy behind the counter wasn't ready for that he says no no there's no sign you take and the lieutenant is fine if you don't sign it then we're not leaving the money he puts his hand in the bag and as soon as that bag This man touched the bag of money here, listen to this clicking sound, which is the sound of a safety catch coming out of an AK-47, which at first didn't scare me because since that weapon has a safety catch, wow, I didn't think. The Russians cared about security. . I later found out that it's the same switch that puts it on auto mode, so the worst part about all of this is that this tension that's happening is behind me.

The security forces guys are living the dream they became mma hype man. As if it were going to fall tonight, don't let me talk to you like that. Don't let me talk to you like, guys, can you shut your mouths? Please let me remind you that you have cheers if I need you to lead a college marching band. I'll call you so I have to stop this whole situation. I lean over, grab him by the neck, turn him towards me and he knew something was up because he was paler than usual, like he was glowing in the dark and he says, What's wrong?

I go, I just take the receipt without a signature and he said, "Okay, but I don't like it, I don't care what you don't like." I want to get out the door, get out of here, security force, I'm dragging him and I could hear the wheels turning in his head, like how am I going to explain this in accounting right before I get him out the door? He says those two guys have guns, so we almost died and I lost a good pair of underwear because I was stupid and that's how I avoided an international incident.

I went to school, uh, at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, people from Colorado don't know much about the academy and the largest group of people who don't know much about that place is my family, they didn't have idea what it was, it was a military academy, but the first year you're just running around and doing push-ups and learning how to iron and vacuum, you're not really, they don't let you near the planes, they point at the plane, look at those, you have to earn them, so when I was a freshman, four grade cadet in the air. strength academy um I called my mom every Sunday and then on Monday an A10 fighter plane crashed in Wyoming the pilots survived but the plane crashed in Wyoming, which I don't know if you know this is not Colorado Springs, Colorado, my commander calls me to his office.

Tuesday morning and he says the cadets are dewey, stand at attention, I was like, yes sir, ready to do whatever he wanted me to do, I was ready, he said, I'm going to play you a voicemail and normally only gets phone calls on Sundays, but I need to You have to call your mom and explain exactly what you're doing here and I was like, "Oh, I don't want to listen to this voicemail. This is going to be bad. It's going to be a bad voicemail. "I don't want to. Here is my mother's voicemail word for word." Is my baby okay?

Oh no, I saw the news when the plane crashed and there's my baby flying on the A-10 Thunderbolt 6. I don't know the number, please call me. She didn't leave her name or mine. We had the star. 69 her, which is an old phrase, now people don't know what we do there at the academy, I know this because when I came home for vacation or something like that, I would see my friends who went to real university and they would try to exchange stories with me I say, hey, what's the University of Miami like? oh, friday nights are amazing, man, sometimes we get drunk, sometimes we fight, sometimes we make out with strangers, usually it's girls, who was it?

The rest of the time, the statues, bro, look good and then they want to ask me what the lighting is like at the Air Force Academy on Friday night. You shoot guns and blow things up with my guy. I'm blowing up that vacuum, son. I can vacuum a wall. that takes core strength and the reason we did it is because we had white glove inspections on Saturday mornings, so I'll tell you my favorite white glove inspection. Me, my roommate, we are at the parade resting standing in our next room, they are yelling at them. So I know we're next.

I'm doing a final check of the room before they enter. Our job was to standardize the cabinets. We had to make 30 cabinets look identical. Look up. We forgot to pack our closet. Yes, we made 29 closets. I forgot to do ours and it wasn't even close and I thought, oh no, we're going to get yelled at so loud bro we forgot to do our closet the first time I looked at my roommate in 45 minutes, he was sweating profusely like I had just done it. I came out of a sauna pit. Spots are developing. The left eye twitches.

It swings back and forth. He looks at me with a pained face. He says, "Joseph, man. I'm so sorry for what's about to happen in this room and I thought, I've put too much pressure on my roommate, so I tried to relieve the pressure. I tried to tell him it's not that important, we'll just let him know." they'll scream, but I couldn't finish the sentence because I said, dude, it's not that big of a deal, we'll just get you and then he farted for so long I thought he was going to deflate like that stuff in front of car dealerships when you close them at night it just wouldn't stop, I'm like it's not like that.

What a big deal, I just thought I was going to levitate like Chris Angel from the butt, it was a whole two minutes, finally it was like that and then I tried to tell a joke. The joke I tried to tell was, you know, the loud ones don't. It usually doesn't smell that bad, but I couldn't finish that sentence either. I thought, "You know, the loud ones do it." That's when the inspectors entered the room. three of them there is a very attractive woman two guys come to the door she enters a strange scene there is my roommate all sweaty he stands firm big smile on his face I am no longer looking in the right direction and I have stood firm but alone by the sound and she was a little like what is this they didn't train me for this action but I will tell you she was a professional because she did her job despite this unknown situation that she walked into she put her gloves on the Hey, do you Does anything matter?

This is the maximum. She was a pretty lady. She got ugly very quickly. She looks like those people in the movies when they turn into werewolves and the guys at the door don't know what's going on. She turns around like there's a demon at the air force academy and she tried to run away, you can't run away from a fart now, once she's got you, it's like Stephen King, the fog in whichYou walk, you have a tail, so she drags death behind her. They walked out the door like, what's wrong, they dropped their hats, we got free hats, they crawled out of the room, the three of them stood in the hallway for five minutes like they were pepper sprayed, ah, now it's in my eyes , someone says we have to burn these clothes and then the third one was like, you know, I heard it helps with pepper spray if you put milk in it, they said: where are we going to get milk?

Steve, you finally calmed down, looked around the room like you two were disgusting, and walked away. so my roommate and I go back to the parade break, which is this position and I remember telling my roommate that's it, it wasn't that bad, we should do that every time, just let me know next time I have than breathing through the mouth. It's like you're eating jalapenos my roommate looked at me and said they didn't check the closet, however I said no, they didn't die. A local man robs Wendy's with an alligator for the alligator kids. Now they sent them to the bank, they should go, mom, mom.