Craig Ferguson at the Annual White House Correspondents' Din

It starts very well but has no real ending. Insight. Uh-oh, don't tell me it's America. I can say whatever I want. This is an election year, of course, and as you pointed out, none of the candidates thought you were important enough for Hillary Clinton not to be here, although that's fine, she can say she was out again. boyfriend Bill isn't here either, he's probably giving a speech somewhere. You know, Bill Clinton charges half a million dollars to give a speech. Half a million dollars or you will talk dirty for free, but half a million to give an Obama who is not here. uh, what scares me, uh, you know, I, I tell you why Obama scares me a little bit, he's too clean, you know, he's cleaner, he's cleaner than your shotgun, sir, I mean, he's very, we need more dirt on it.

I think we need H Carl Ro. to get those guys that work for him to dig up the earth who are those guys that work for Car Ro again demons the demons that work for Car Ro uh Iraq and Hillary of course are trapped in that Mortal Combat for the nomination of the uh, of the Democratic party right now and I think some of these debates are getting very passive-aggressive, a lot of sneaky tactics are being applied to things that I don't think are right, take a look at this and you'll see what I mean. Take a look at this, it is not published.

I think these albums at the same time, Hillary, while you claim that this is the basis of your experience, I think it's a problem. Part of what we have to do is invite the American people back to participate. Part of what we have to do is rebuild trust in our government again. I mean, that's bad, it's just naughty and it's wrong, I was the one who was naughty, right? I did that, listen, no, I don't envy the person who wins. the Democratic nomination because of them, of course, he or she will face the full force of the Republican attack machine when the election comes around, you know, Bill Crystal Bob Novak George Stephanopoulos, uh, I'm just reporting the facts, they'll have to too Because Hey, take on Senator McCain, another man who I think is too clean.

I mean, everything we have on him, he's old, that's not enough, he's old. I mean, we all know that he risked his life in defense of this nation. in Vietnam before that, the Vikings would be everywhere if it weren't for him, the pterodactyls, he fought them depending on his belief system, the dinosaurs, I don't know, earlier this year, although there were rumors that John McCain would do it. uh, not being able to run for president because he wasn't born in this country, which I think really isn't fair because when John McCain was born, America hadn't been discovered, so I don't really think that would work.

Tonight, although we mark the end of an era, sir, we, uh, George W. Bush will be gone in 8 months, the vice president is already moving out of his residence. It takes him longer than he thinks to pack up an entire dungeon, uh, you told me he told me. myself um Tonight is the last time that President Bush will attend this dinner something that he and I have in common uh of course I'm kidding I'm kidding. I'd love to come back if you invite me, okay, forget it. no, no, no, okay, well, I could come back, actually, sir, I could come back if, if, if Mrs.

Bush ran for president, if you became president, yes, well, it might happen that a first lady, a former first lady, could become president. It could happen, it's not going to happen this year, but it could happen at some point. I'm just predicting what it will be, although it will be a bit of a sweet day in January, sir, when I leave the White House. I remember eight years ago. when you said you were going to bring dignity back to the White House, and by the way, I thought you were fantastic on Deal or No Deal, that was just, don't shrug my shoulders, you were on Deal or No Deal, I saw you. um, during your administration, although there wasn't a single sex scandal in the White House, not one except when Barney fucked the Pope's leg, but that's one of those things, oh man, that's encouraging.

Although as a young man, sir, he will retire as a young man, young man, uh, young man, what does a president do when he retires? He could, uh, he could look for a job with more vacation time, see what I did, see what I did. . Now listen, I want, I want to get serious with you just for a second. I haven't been in Washington long, but I've been here long enough to know that it's full of people who don't agree on everything from how it's balanced. the budget which link is the most patriotic uh you guys can't agree on anything the president doesn't like the press the press doesn't like the president everyone hates Cheney Cheney loves that and thinks it's cool I mean , that's weird, I mean that's a little perverted if you don't mind me saying so, but what I'm saying is this.

I knew that when I came here, this room would be full of argumentative and contrary people, people who argue all the time and can I remind you as a new American that we need that is what this place is about so please never ever agree with each other never stop arguing never stop fighting you grumpy magnificent bastards God bless you and God bless all of the United States?