President Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner | Best Jokes of Obama

Welcome to the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Washington Night. Someone has to do it and Welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency. It's true. That was Michelle cheering. The fact is, I feel more loose and relaxed than ever Those shoulder massages from Joe Biden. They are like magic. You should try one. Oh yes, I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me, Mr. President. Do you have a to-do list? And I said okay. I have something that rhymes with bucket list. Take executive action on immigration.

New climate regulations are the right thing to do. And my new attitude is paying off. Look at my policy towards Cuba. The Castro brothers are here tonight Welcome to America friends what's up What are the Castros of Texas Oh Iowa cream hello, who Leone? Still, being

president

is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system. Question of veto threats. Negotiate with Iran. All while finding time to pray five times a day. And it's no wonder people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me. I look so old that John Boehner has already invited me.

Netanyahu will speak at my funeral Meanwhile, Michelle is an age today. I asked her what her secret is and she just says fresh fruits and vegetables. It is an aggravating fact at this time. My legacy is finally starting to take shape The economy is improving 9 out of 10 Americans now have health coverage. Today, thanks to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance if you lose your job. You're welcome, Senate Democrats. Don't look, it's true. I haven't managed to make everyone happy. Six years into my presidency, some people still say I'm arrogant and condescending.

Some people are so stupid. No wonder I don't meet them. And that's not all people said about me a few weeks ago. Dick Cheney says he thinks I'm the worst

president

of his life. Which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime. It's quite a coincidence Hey, everyone has something to say these days Mike Huckabee recently said that people shouldn't join our military until a true conservative is elected president. Think about that. It was so outrageous that 47 ayatollahs wrote us a letter trying to explain to Huckabee how our system works.

It gets worse. Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. That is a legacy. That's great. I'm in Lincoln Washington. They didn't do that. Well, you know, I just have to put these things aside. I have to stay focused on my work. Because for many Americans this remains a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have a friend just a few weeks ago. She made millions of dollars a year and now lives in a van in Iowa. Meanwhile, she returns here to our nation's capital. We are always dealing with new challenges.

I'm pleased to report that the Secret Service thanks some excellent reporting from White House

correspondents

. They are really focusing on some of the problems that have arisen and have finally figured out a foolproof way to keep people off my lawn. It works as not only for fence jumpers. Some of you know that a few months ago a drone landed back there. It was pretty serious, but don't worry. We have installed a new state-of-the-art security system. Did you know? Let me set the record straight, you know, I sometimes joke with Joe, but he's been by my side for seven years.

I love that man. He is not only a great vice president, he is a great friend. We have become very close in some places in Indiana. They won't serve us pizza anymore. I want to thank our presenter for the evening. The girl from Chicago is incredibly talented. Cicely strong On Saturday Night Live Cicely impersonates CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin. Which is surprising because usually the only people posing as journalists on CNN are CNN journalists. ABC is here with some of the stars of their new big black comedy. It's a great show, but I have to warn ABC that being black only makes you popular for a while, believe me.

That thing has a useful life. As always The reporters here had a lot to cover Last year, here on the east coast, a big story was the brutal winter. The polar vortex caused many record lows. They changed the name to MSNBC, but of course, let's face it, there's one issue on every journalist's mind and that's 2016. We've already seen some missteps. It turns out that Jeb Bush identified as Hispanic in 2009. What you know, what I understand. It's an innocent mistake, it reminds me of when I identified as American back in 1961. Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo.

That's not really an appropriate comparison. Galileo believed that the Earth revolves around the Sun. Ted Cruz believes that the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz. And this is not a sight I want to point out when a guy who has his face on a hopeful sign calls you self-absorbed. You know you have a problem. The rate of narcissism is also increasing a bit. high Meanwhile Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend the same-sex wedding of a friend or loved one to which gays and lesbians across the country responded that that's not going to be a problem Don't worry about it And Donald Trump is still here Anyway, it's amazing, time flies The first presidential race is coming up soon and I for one can't wait to see who the Koch brothers pick.

It's exciting Marco Rubio Rand Paul Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush Scott Walker Who will finally get that red rose? The winner receives a billion-dollar war chest, the runner-up will be the Bachelor on the next season of The Bachelor. Seriously, a billion dollars from just two guys. Is it just me or does that feel a little excessive? It is almost an insult to the candidates. The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get people to like one of these people. It has to hurt his feelings a little. And look, I know I've raised a lot of money too.

But to be fair, my middle name is Hussein. What is his excuse? The road hasn't been easy for my fellow Democrats either, as we all know Hillary's private emails got her in trouble. Frankly, I thought it was going to be a private Instagram account that would cause him the biggest problems. Not to be outdone, Martin o' Malley got his start unrecognized at a Martin O'Malley campaign event. And Bernie Sanders could run. I like burning little birds, interesting boy. Apparently some people really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. After all, we might get a third Obama term.

It could happen. Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note and I often joke about the tensions between the government and me. press but honestly it doesn't bother me what they say, I understand that we have an adversarial system. I'm a gentle guy and that's why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight. Grab your lily-

white

butts. In our rapidly changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents' Dinner are important because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day.

Then we can count on Fox News to terrorize all

white

people with some nonsense. Syrena lies and comes to claim the rocket attack. That was ridiculous. We will not always agree. . Oh, and see you there. Thank you very much for the complete coverage of Ebola, but two whole weeks. We were one step away from the living dead. Let's just move on to the next day, which was amazing. Oh, and by the way, if you've realized you don't have Ebola, I still deeply appreciate the work you do. No, they wouldn't have that big hole at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico and then I covered it up.

Do you remember what Obama's Katrina was? Well, it was 19. What was 20? Because I went out. I remember that protecting our democracy is more important than ever, for example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz six million dollars was only exercising freedom of speech. Yes, it's the kind of speech like this. I just wasted six million dollars And it's not just the Republicans Hillary will have to get angry use sums of money to see, you'll get all the money Khaleesi is coming to Westeros What's going on? Oh, the continued focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy. .

That's why we know we're not, but we need to stay focused on some big challenges like climate change. Notice, California is completely dry. It looked like a trailer for the new Mad Max movie up there. Everyone thinks? that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd. He needed a glass of water. The science is clear. Furthermore, it is clear that nine of the ten warmest years in history occurred in the last decade. I'm no scientist, but I know how to counter rising sea levels, more violent storms, mosquitoes, sweaty people in trees, stinking, it's just disgusting.

I mean, look at us, who's watching what's happening right now? Every serious scientist says we must act. The Pentagon says it is a national security risk. Miami floods on a sunny day and instead of doing something about it. We have elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate. Okay, okay, I think I got it right, that's crazy. What happens to our children? What kind of short-sighted irresponsible idiot? What Oh Oh, with all due respect sir, you don't need an anger translator. You need advice. I'm here, man. I'm trying to get into all this Go Luther, my anger translator is gentlemen Now that I've let off steam You know, investigative journalism Explanatory journalism journalism that exposes corruption and injustice and gives a voice to the different and the marginalized, the voiceless That is power.

It is a privilege. Our values, our ideals, are as important to the trajectory of the United States as anything we can do in elected office. We remember the journalists we lost over the past year, journalists like Steven Sotloff and James Foley. Killed simply for trying to shed light on some of the darkest corners of the world We remember journalists unjustly imprisoned around the world, including our own Jason Raize An. For nine months, Jason has been imprisoned in Tehran for nothing more than writing about the hopes and fears of the Iranian people. Bringing his stories to the readers of The Washington Post in an effort to unite our common humanity.

As already mentioned, Jason's brother Ali is here tonight. And I have told him personally that we will not rest until he brings him home to his family safely. These journalists and many others see his work. as something more than a simple profession, but as a public good, an indispensable pillar of our society, that is why I want to toast them. I will raise a glass to them and to all of you. With the words of American foreign correspondent Dorothy Thompson. It is not the fact of freedom, but the way in which freedom is exercised that ultimately determines whether freedom itself survives.

At our last celebration here At our last celebration here we celebrated the festival of lights in Mumbai We danced with some kids Unfortunately, we couldn't schedule any dances this visit Seniorita what everyone shows me, you know what I mean?