Colin Jost complete remarks at 2024 White House Correspondents' Dinner (C-SPAN)

Thanks everyone, hello, that was the hard-hitting journalism you saw in the owl. I didn't know you were going to show pictures of me from high school. I have some surprises, yeah, it's not really fair, you can't do it for President Biden. because technology wasn't invented when he was in high school, it's not really fair. Good night all. I'm Colin Joost and I'll give the Republican answer. I'll be honest with you. I do not have much time. Uh, I need to get back to New York because I'm juror number five in an important trial. Trump's lawyer looked at me and said he had to be on our side.

Thank you Kelly for that kind introduction, Mr. President, Dr. Biden, Vice President. President Harris Doug Doug, as you can see from all the comments about my wife, I'm also used to being the second gentleman and I'm honored to be here to host what swing state polls show is the last supper. by correspondence from the White House. I hope tonight will be a night to remember for most of us. I was excited to be here on stage with President Biden tonight, mainly to see if I could figure out where Obama was pulling the strings. I must admit that it is not easy to follow the president.

Biden, I mean, it's not always easy to follow what he says, but before we start tonight, can we just acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the United States at an event that doesn't start with a bayth saying that everyone They get up and I would like to point out that it is after 10 p.m. Sleepy Joe is still awake, while Donald Trump spent the past week falling asleep in court every morning, although Fox News said he was just being anti-woke. We're all here tonight at the nerd prom. Well, Gates is at the normal prom, but I actually thought I saw him.

Matt Gates was here tonight, but he was really just my own reflection on a spoon, like many of you here tonight. I intend to do news on television. My Weekend Update co-host Michael Chay was going to join me here tonight, but in solidarity with President Biden. I decided to lose all my black support. Chay told me to say that and I'm realizing he was prepared. I've done weekend updates for a while, but most people don't know that I started doing the real news at my first job. I left college as a reporter for the Staten Island Advance newspaper.

They don't have a table here tonight, but they asked me to pass this message on to the other print journalists in the room. "By the way, you think you are better than me." I want to point out that when I worked at the St. Now beforehand we had a daily circulation of 100,000 copies. The Washington Post would kill for that. As a former aspiring journalist, I want to sincerely congratulate all the award winners here tonight. Congratulations. The correspondence association offers scholarships. to promising young journalism students who might one day be sent to cover geopolitical hotspots like Columbia University tonight, this event will be televised live on C-Span and if you're at home watching cspan on a Saturday night, I hope you They find your body. shortly before your cats arrive, there are many incredible news organizations here tonight and some credible ones too.

The Washington Post is here. Washington Post were the ones who took their coats to the door. Please be sure to let us know. Fox News is here tonight. end of an era, rert Murdoch resigned from Fox News, which is strange. I didn't think there was a step back from Fox News. Trump's media is here. Trump's media, eh, not at a table, just shouting loudly in the corner: Nobody, Wordle is here. tonight I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I meant the New York Times. I forgot they do things besides puzzles. I have to say, it's not a good sign when the only thing keeping a print media company alive are too-creepy-for-you games people play on their phones.

I just froze faster than Mitch McConnell and I have to apologize to the times, but since Staten Island I still get all my news from the New York Post, thank you, the only paper where the front page always has the same 200 point font, either the owner. Will World War III start tomorrow or does the Central Park owl die in a building collision? The New York Post is like having a crack addict summed up by the New York Times. The times will tell that a border agreement continues to evade Congress and the Post is like these Mexicans. they're taking my stuff there are so many amazing people here tonight Laura Trump is here tonight okay I have one she recently released a cover of the song I Won't Back Down listening to it Tom Petty died again I can't believe it.

I'm saying this to a member of the Trump family, but maybe he'll stick to politics. Senator Bernie Sanders is here because he's not the type to pass up a free hot meal and, in general, there are a lot of influential, hard-working senators and members of Congress here tonight and I just want to say it on behalf of everyone I know, stop send us emails, stop it, we understand. Democracy is at stake and your plan to save it is to flood our inboxes like your Crate and Barrel. It's also wonderful to be back in Washington. I love being in Washington the last time I was in DC I left my cocaine at the White House fortunately the president was able to put it to good use for a state in the union.

I'm kidding, of course, the president doesn't call it cocaine, he calls it. high speed train that's good by the way can you blame the guy for turning to cocaine? he must be exhausted orchestrating four separate trials against his rival rigging the Super Bowl and preparing to steal a second election wow Biden is gone I love it because of the way Trump's two attacks on President Biden are that he is a sile old man and a criminal mastermind. I think you have to choose one personally. I don't know any criminal masterminds who ride a bike to buy ice cream.

Also, it's not like Trump himself is young and Sharp, I'm not saying both candidates are old, but you know Jimmy Carter is out there thinking maybe he could win this, he's only 99, there's an election, there's an election six extremely long months from now, so let me see if I can summarize where. this race is on right now the republican presidential candidate owes half a billion in fines for bank fraud and is currently spending his days farting awake during a porn star hush money trial and the race is tied the race is IT Nothing makes sense anymore the candidate Who is a famous Playboy from New York City who took away your right to abortion and the guy who is trying to give you back your right to abortion is an 80 year old Catholic?

How does that make sense? By the way, President Biden, isn't it crazy that he's only our second Catholic president and what's even crazier is that in just a few months we will have our third in RFK Jr. I'm kidding, like his vaccine card say you don't have a vaccine. Everything feels strange. Now by many measures. President Biden is having a very successful first term, but people don't seem to notice, just like the economy. The vibes are bad, but the numbers say it's strong. The economy is like you're on the stairs of Air Force One. It feels like you're stumbling but somehow there's upward progress.

I think more can be done in the economy, sir. I really think so, for example, have you considered eliminating the national debt by shorting Trump's stock? People keep asking if our lives are better than four years ago. Of course, four years ago we didn't have online sports betting, what more is needed? By the way, that's probably what keeps the economy afloat. Online betting and Taylor Swift without it we would be in a recession right now, the problem is the people. We're always going to compare his first term to Obama's, but I think there are actually a lot of positive similarities.

Both made great strides in healthcare. Obama got us out of a recession. He got us out of a pandemic. Obama got Bin Laden. He got DO. by the way, now that OJ is dead, Trump's new favorite for VP is Diddy. By the way, I bet if Trump selected Diddy as his running mate, I bet this race would still be tied. I think even some Democrats say yes. Disappointed, but I think you're just not living reality, manage your expectations people, it's like tonight, I'm sure we all wish we were at the Waldorf right now, but we're at the Washington Hilton and we have to make the best of it, just be happy.

You're not at the Airport Hilton, journalists, these are difficult times and we need the people in this room to help guide us through this. Their jobs are not easy and it doesn't help that we are living in the end of traditional media. The gatekeepers are gone, did you know that 90% of people now get their news exclusively from social media and that must be true because I saw it on the Tik Tok of some random guy who was recording the video while driving a Toyota Corolla , but he seemed to know it? his stuff isn't crazy the way Tik Tok could be banned in the US by the end of this year.

It's a real shame because we're going to need Tik Tok to document who will assault the capital on January 6. Not bad for everyone, although this may be the worst time in history to be a print journalist, it is the best time in history to be a courtroom cartoonist. OMG, the most famous man on Earth is on trial and no cameras are allowed, only performers. his passion and his desire to make Trump look as bad as possible. Every Trump sketch looks like the Grinch has sex with The Lorax to finish it off. I'd really like to take a moment to recognize all the print journalists in this room.

His words speak the truth. to power your words bring light to the darkness and most importantly your words train the artificial intelligence programs that will soon replace you and finally I wanted to thank my family and I wanted to thank my friends for being here tonight to support me. I want to thank my wife for putting up with a lot of teasing and for agreeing to meet everyone in this room individually right after the ceremony, that's really special honey, thank you, don't be shy, come up, she hates privacy and considering my family, I wanted to I want to share one last thing with you before I leave and I wanted to share one thing with you, Mr.

President, before I leave. I lost my grandfather this year, as you alluded to firefighter William Kelly. He is the reason our son's middle name is William. He helped Raise Me growing up and I wouldn't be here today without him. My grandfather was a firefighter on Staten Island for 40 years to earn extra money for his family. He was a substitute teacher and painted

house

s. This being Staten Island, I should point out. It's not like the Irish Scorsese painted

house

s he wasn't a mafia hitman he actually painted houses the FBI is here I don't want to start all this my grandfather was another weird Irishman who didn't drink because he lost his father and brother to alcoholism and I swear to you Mr.

President, this is not an age comparison, you remind me of him, some of his best qualities remind me of yours, and I will say that he was 95 years old and he was still excellent on the stairs, I think it's because he didn't. did. I try to mention them, but the reason I mention my grandfather and I don't know if you know, Mr. President, but Staten Island firefighters are not normally his demographic. Staten Island voted about 70% for Trump in the last election and the other 30% went for Giuliani, but Staten Island also sided with the British during the Revolutionary War, so we're not always on the right side of History, remember?

But my grandfather, a Staten Island firefighter, voted for you, Mr. President, he voted for you in the last election he ever voted in, I mean, I'm sure someone else will vote twice in this election using your name, but that's how the democratic machine works. He voted for you and the reason he voted for you is because you are a decent person. Man, my grandfather voted for decency and decency is the reason we're all here tonight. Decency is how we can be here tonight. Decency is how we can make jokes about each other and one of us doesn't go to prison. after going to News Max Afterparty and when you look at the levels of freedom throughout history and even around the world today, this is the exception, this freedom is incredibly rare and the journalists in this room help protect that freedom and we can never take it.

Of course, Mr. President, I thank you for his decency on behalf of my grandfather and I thank all of you, almost all of you, for his decency as well. I am very honored and grateful that you invited me here tonight, thank you and good evening.