Conan O'Brien remarks at 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner (C-SPAN)

WITHOUT FURTHER PREAMBLE, MR. CONAN O'BRIEN. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. PLEASE REMAIN SITTING. THAT IS NOT NECESSARY. THANK YOU, DON'T STOP, THAT WOULD NOT BE GOOD. GOOD AFTERNOON, THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT, MRS. OBAMA, Illustrious members of the press and Bon Jovi. YES, IT IS AN HONOR TO SHARE THE STAGE WITH THE PRESIDENT. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HE AND I ARE VERY SIMILAR. WE BOTH WENT TO HARVARD, WE BOTH HAVE TWO CHILDREN AND BOTH OF US OLD... I TOLD JOE BIDEN WE DON'T HAVE EXTRA TICKETS FOR TONIGHT'S EVENT. WE ALSO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON, I ALSO RECENTLY GOT IN TROUBLE FOR TALKING ABOUT THE GOOD LOOKS OF A PUBLIC OFFICIAL.

THAT WAS WHEN I WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THAT STONE COLD FOX, TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY RAY LAHOOD. OH MAN. I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB. PRESIDENT OBAMA, YOU HAD GREAT JOKES. IT WAS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU STOP HERE AND DO WHAT I DO. NOW IT'S FAIR THAT I CAN DO WHAT YOU DO. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes I will be locked in a dysfunctional standoff with Congress. THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN. I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY CONGRATULATE THE PRESIDENT ON HIS RE-ELECTION OF HIM. CONGRATULATIONS. AS YOU ALL KNOW, HE IS WORKING HARD READING.

SINCE IT WAS FIRST SELECTED, THE NUMBER OF POTATOES HAS DOUBLED. AND THE NUMBER OF PRESENTERS ON TONIGHT'S SHOW HAS TRIPLIFIED. CONGRATULATIONS. WHILE I'M AT IT, I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH ON THE GREAT DEDICATION OF HIS PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY. YES, THE LIBRARY HAS MILLIONS OF BOOKS, ARTICLES AND DOCUMENTS AND IF YOU GO YOU CAN BE THE FIRST TO READ THEM. YOU CAN'T HURT ME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S GET STARTED. HERE AT THE BEGINNING I'M GOING TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH YOU AND IT DOESN'T LEAVE THIS ROOM. I SAY THIS WITH ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE, BECAUSE WE ARE ON C-SPAN.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE C-SPAN, SERIOUSLY? C-SPAN. A FULL CHANNEL TRIGGERED REAR CAMERA ON A FORD EXPLORER. CONGRATULATIONS TO C-SPAN FOR WINNING THE BID TO BROADCAST THIS EVENT. THEY BEAT HD TV DOS, TVC SOUTH AMERICA AND THE HILTON HOTEL HOW TO SEE CHANNEL. THAT'S RIGHT, THE HILTON. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE AT THE HILTON. IS IT JUST ME OR IS IT TIME TO STOP USING PRICELINE TO BOOK THIS CAP EVENT? I LOVE THE HILTON. I LOVE YOUR MOTTO, SORRY THE RADISSON WAS BOOKED. I WAS CONCERNED THAT DUE TO THE KIDNAPPING WE WOULD BE FORCED TO HOLD THIS EVENT AT A LESS PRESTIGIOUS HOTEL THAN THE DC HILTON.

THEN THEY TOLD ME IT WAS NOT POSSIBLE. I WANT TO THANK HILTON FOR HOSTING US. THEY WERE KIND ENOUGH TO RESCHEDULE A CASH FOR GOLD SEMINAR. BY THE WAY, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE HERE FOR THE CASH FOR GOLD SEMINAR, IT HAS BEEN MOVED TO THE ROOM ON THE MEZZANINE. AND IF JOE BIDEN ASKS IT, THERE ARE NO EXTRA TICKETS FOR THAT EITHER. QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT, BEFORE WE ACTUALLY START, BEFORE WE CONTINUE, IF ANY OF YOU ARE LIVE TWEETING THIS EVENT, PLEASE USE #INCAPABLE OFLIVINGINTHEMOMENT. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. ALSO, TO ANY US SENATOR HERE TONIGHT, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE YOUR DESSERT OR YOUR POSITION ON GAY MARRIAGE, PLEASE SIGN UP TO A WAITER.

TALKING ABOUT DINNER, TONIGHT'S STARTERS OR HOW ABOUT A FILET MIGNON? HALIBUT AND FILET MIGNON. OR AS CNN REPORTED, LASAGNE AND COUSCOUS. THERE'S A GAMPER HERE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. HERE'S A FUN FACT ABOUT TONIGHT'S FOOD, EVERYTHING THAT WAYNE LAPIERRE IMPACTED HIM PERSONALLY. -- WAYNE MOTT ON-AIR PHOTOGRAPH. DON'T WORRY, IT WAS DURING A HOME INVASION. THE FISH CAME IN THROUGH THE WINDOW. IT WAS NOT A PEPPERCORN, IT WAS FORGIVENESS. BY THE WAY, YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT, BUT WAYNE LAPIERRE IS SIMPLY THE EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE NRA. WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION: HOW CRAZY DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BE THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT OF THE NRA?

IT'S NOT EVEN AT THE TOP. I WOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THERE WAS SOME CONFUSION WITH THE SEATING CHART TONIGHT. FOR A MOMENT, SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY SAT GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE WITH THE REPUBLICANS. THAT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE AND I FORGIVE IT. VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. SPEAKING OF TABLES, BEFORE DINNER, I HAD A CHANCE TO MIX, YOU PROBABLY SEEN ME. I worked the crowd, shook some hands, and sold my Twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500 million. THEY WILL BUY ANYTHING. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE HER AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT'S DINNER. LAST YEAR, TOM BROKAW CRITICIZED THIS EVENT FOR HAVING TOO MANY SUPERSTARS AND A-LIST CELEBRITIES.

WHEN I TOLD HIM I WOULD ATTEND THIS YEAR, HE SAID, THAT'S BETTER. THAT MUST NOT BE FUN TO YOU. BUT THIS IS REALLY A STAR-FILLED EVENT. THIS YEAR YOU HAVE TAKEN IT TO NEW HEIGHTS. I HAVE TO CONGRATULATE YOU. IS. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO SOMETHING FROM THE DUCT LESS. --- DUCK DYNASTY. WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING: THE STORAGE WARS GUYS SAID NO. I LOVE DUCK DYNASTY, DON'T GET ME WRONG. I REALLY DON'T THINK THE WHISTLE, MY GOD, WORKS. HE IS HERE. I ALWAYS HATED HIM. AS SOME OF YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I HAVE SPOKEN AT THIS EVENT.

I WAS 18 IN 1995, A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE THEN. TODAY YOU CAN GET REAL-TIME INFORMATION ABOUT WORLD EVENTS FROM SOMETHING SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND. IN 1995, WE CALL THAT GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS. I CAN SEE IF GEORGE IS HERE BECAUSE THERE'S A CROUTON IN THE PATH. IT'S AMAZING TO THINK HOW MUCH OUR COUNTRY HAS CHANGED IN 18 YEARS. THINK ABOUT IT. IF I TOLD ME IN 1995 THAT IN

2013

WE WOULD HAVE AN AFRICAN AMERICAN PRESIDENT WITH A MIDDLE NAME HUSSEIN, WHO JUST WAS RE-ELECTED FOR A SECOND TERM IN A SLOW ECONOMY, I WOULD HAVE SAID, OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE RUN AGAINST MITT ROMNEY.

BY THE WAY, NO OFFENSE, I CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR VICTORY, BUT AS A LATE NIGHT COMEDIAN, I WAS SUPPORTING THE RICH WHO WAS OR SUPPORTED THE OLYMPIC GAMES. -- WHOSE HORSE DANCED IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES. THE DEMOGRAPHICS OF THIS COUNTRY HAVE CHANGED RAPIDLY OVER THE PAST TWO DECADES. I HOPE TO ORGANIZE THIS EVENT IN 18 YEARS. THEN, MY OPENING LINE WILL BE, YES. ESPECIALLY, PRESIDENT MARIO LÓPEZ. MY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME HOW THESE DINNERS WORK. IF THE PRESIDENT LAUGHES, EVERYONE LAUGHES. IF THE FOX NEWS DESK IS LAUGHING, A GIRL JUST FELL OFF HER BIKE. HOW ARE YOU, BILL?

TONIGHT HE WILL BE A MEDIATOR FOR WASHINGTON NEWS, INCLUDING THE STARS OF ONLINE JOURNALISM. I MADE THE HUFFINGTON POST HAVE A TABLE. WHAT I'M ASKING, IF YOU'RE HERE, WHO'S COVERING MILEY CYRUS' LATEST NIP SLIP? WHO'S RATING TODAY'S TOP 25 YOGURT-RELATED TWEETS? Just before

dinner

, I tried to say hello to everyone at HUFFINGTON, but she made me watch a 32nd ad first. -- 30 SECOND AD FIRST. MANY STARS LINED IN THE COURT, BUT UNFORTUNATELY NO JUDGE COULD NOT ATTEND. I HAD A PREVIOUS COMMITMENT TO TEACH A WEB DESIGN CLASS IN 1997. WASHINGTON PRINT MEDIA IS ALSO JOINING US THIS AFTERNOON.

PRINT MEDIA IS HERE FOR TWO VERY GOOD REASONS. FOOD AND SHELTER. You know, some people say print media is dying, but I don't believe it. NEITHER MY BLACKSMITH. YOU HAVE TO MEET ZACHARIAH, HE'S GREAT. NEWSWEEK, WHICH AFTER 80 YEARS PUBLISHED ITS LAST PRINTED ISSUE of her. TIME MAGAZINE COULD BE REINFORCEMENT, BUT THEY REALLY SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE TIME WILL SURVIVE NEWSWEEK THE WAY JULIETT SURVIVED ROMEO. READ THE WORK, IT'S VERY INTELLIGENT. THINGS ARE SO DIFFICULT FOR THE MEDIA THAT REUTERS IS HAVING THEIR AFTER-PARTY HERE AT THE HILTON. BECAUSE NOTHING says that we are having a great time here like having your after party at the same table where you just had

dinner

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WITH THAT IN MIND, REUTERS IS ASKING EVERYONE HERE TO LEAVE A SMALL OF WINE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS. TO BE FAIR, PRINT MEDIA STILL HAS A BIG STAR IN BOB WOODWARD. I have to give it up for Bob Woodward. EARLY TONIGHT, A WAITER ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED REGULAR OR DECAF AND HE TOLD HIM, THREATENING ME. --STOP THREATENING ME! SOME BIG NAMES IN TV NEWS. WHEN IT COMES TO TV NEWS, WE HAVE A DIVIDED LANDSCAPE. FOX NEWS IS WATCHED BY CONSERVATIVES, MSNBC WATCHED BY LIBERALS, AND CNN IS WATCHED BY THE PEOPLE WHO CLEAN THE CNN OFFICES.

OH, IT GETS WORSE. CNN'S RATINGS ARE SO LOW, WHEN IT COME UP, JAMES EARL JONES SAYS, ARE YOU WATCHING CNN? WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE TO SAY THAT IN THE PAST TWO YEARS, CNN HAS MADE SOME STRANGE MOVES. HE REPLACED THE POPULAR LARRY KING WITH ONE OF THE LACKMEN OF "DOWNTON ABBEY". IT'S GOOD TO SEE MY OLD FRIENDS ON MSNBC. CHRIS MATTHEWS IS HERE. CHRIS MATTHEWS HAS THE ONLY SHOW WHERE THE COMMERCIAL EXISTS JUST SO THEY CAN CLEAN THE SALIVA OFF THE LENS. DURING MSNBC'S BOSTON COVERAGE LAST WEEK, CHUCK TODD AVOIDED AN EXPERT SPECULATING ON THE FIRE SIDE: UNVERIFIED INFORMATION.

THERE IS NO JOKE HERE. I'M JUST LETTING THE PEOPLE AT CNN KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO THAT. THIS IS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. FOX NEWS STAR BILL O'REILLY HAS BECOME AN AUTHOR. TWO RECENT BESTSELLERS, "KILLING KENNEDY" AND "KILLING LINCOLN." BILL O'REILLY IS NOW WORKING ON HIS NEXT BOOK, TO BE RELEASED THIS FALL, THIS TIME ABOUT THE MURDER OF JESUS. He will be THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY OBAMACARE HAS BEEN BLAMEED FOR HIS DEATH. TWO QUICK THANKS TO PBS AND NPR. PBS-YES! THESE PEOPLE LOVE TO PARTY. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, WHERE A HANDBAG. WORKS. YOU MUST LOVE NPR.

IT IS STILL THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR NEWS DELIVERED AS IF THERE IS A CHILD SLEEPING IN THE NEXT ROOM. SHHH! NBC NEWS IS IN THE HOUSE. THEY HAVE HAD A DIFFICULT TIME. TODAY'S SHOW LEFT THE QUERY. AFTER THEY TOLD ME WHAT A CURRY SAID, HOW DOES THE BROKER TELL THE WORLD HE THOUGHT HE RESPONDED TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND FIRED ME? AL IS THE REASON WHY THERE'S NO MORE HOMEWORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY'RE STILL CLEANING. BRIAN WILLIAMS IS HERE. I AM A BIG FAN OF YOUR SHOW. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IMAGINE BRAND BREAKING THE AFTERNOON NEWS ON A DIFFERENT FLOOR OF THE BUILDING, A LITTLE LATER, WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TYPE.

IT IS AMAZING. CHECK IT OUT. AS I LOOK AROUND THE ROOM, I REALIZE THIS IS A BIG HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA. THAT'S ALL IT IS. THINK ABOUT IT. FOX ARE THE ATHLETES. MSNBC ARE THE NERDS. THE ARRIVERS ARE THE COSTS; BLOGGERS ARE THE GOTHS. NPR IS THE TABLE FOR KIDS WITH PEANUT ALLERGIES. AL JAZEERA IS THE STRANGE EXCHANGE STUDENT THAT NO ONE TALKS TO. AND MEDIA, YOU ARE THE POOR KID WHO DIED IN THE SECOND YEAR IN A CAR ACCIDENT. GIVE UP, WE DEDICATE THE YEARBOOK TO YOU. OF COURSE, THE BIGGEST THING PEOPLE COVERED THIS LAST YEAR WAS THE REPUBLICANS' FAILURE TO REFUND, TAKE BACK THE WHITE HOUSE.

THEY HARDLY FIT IN THE FAIR: HARD TO BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T do better with this port of celebrities like TED NUGENT and MEET HOUSE. -- MEATLOAF. THEY UNDERESTIMATED THE NUMBER OF VOTERS WHO STILL DRIVE CARPETED VANS. THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS IMPROVING. A RISING STAR ON THE RIGHT IS SENATOR MARCO RUBIO. OR AS HE IS KNOWN IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, OUR BLACK. AS OF TODAY THE UNITED STATES SENATE HAS SEVERAL AFRICAN AMERICAN SENATORS. TWO. TWO. IN OTHER WORDS, THERE ARE NOW MORE AFRICAN AMERICANS IN THE SENATE AND AT A MUMFORD AND SONS CONCERT. THANK YOU YOUNG PEOPLE. PAUL RYAN - I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

What are you babbling about? WHO IS THIS MAN? PAUL RYAN RECENTLY... REALLY MOVED FORWARD WHEN HE RUN FOR VICE PRESIDENT. AFTER THE ELECTION, HE SAID PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS RE-ELECTED DUE TO HIGH URBAN VOTER TURNOUT. WHEN THEY ASKED HIM WHAT HE LIKES COFFEE, HE SAID: NO MILK, NO SUGAR, JUST URBAN. THERE IS A PRESIDENT OF THE RNC WHO WRITES ABOVE: REINCE PRIEBUS. TONIGHT HE SITS BETWEEN HIS BROTHERS AND REPEATS. HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER ERIC CANTOR IS HERE. OR ACOLITA REFERS TO HIM, ANOTHER JEWISH REPUBLICAN FROM THE SOUTH OR AS I LIKE TO REFER TO HIM, ANOTHER JEWISH REPUBLICAN FROM THE SOUTH.

ALSO JOINING US IS A CONDITIONER FROM NEW YORK NAMED STEVE ISRAEL. HE IS FROM NEW YORK AND HIS NAME IS ISRAEL. THERE IS COMPLACENCE, AND THEN THERE IS COMPLACENCE. THAT'S LIKE HAVING A SOUTH CAROLINA CONGRESS CALLED JESUS ​​H GONE TO... JESUS ​​H. GUN. YOU HAVE TO USE THIS THING, IT'S FANTASTIC. I MENTIONED CHRIS CHRISTIE EARLIER, GOVERNOR CHRISTIE AND SHAQUILLE O'NEAL ARE SITTING AT THE SAME DINNER TABLE. LET'S LEAVE IT FOR THE TRUE UNSONG HERO TONIGHT, YOUR WAITER. He that POOR BASTARD. YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE AN ARM WILL. -- AN ARM. AND WE HAVE ONE OR TWO JUDGE OF THE SUPREME COURT.

THEY SEEM DIVIDED BY SAME-SEX MARRIAGE. LIBERAL JUSTICES FAVORITE WHILE CONSERVATIVES OPPOSE ANY LIFETIME UNION BETWEEN TWO MEN, UNLESS IT IS ANTONIN SCALIA AND CLARENCE THOMAS. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER IS NOT HERE TONIGHT. PRESIDENT OBAMA AND PRESIDENT OBAMA ARE STILL FIGHTING TO GET GETTING WELL. PRESIDENT OBAMA AND JOHN BOEHNER, LIKE A BLIND DATE BETWEEN ANDERSON COOPER AND RACHEL MADDOW. IN THEORY, YOU UNDERSTAND EACH ONE'S POSITION, BUT DEEPLY, YOU KNOW THAT NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN. SPEAKING OF NOTHING HAPPENS, WE ALL HOPE THAT NOTHING HAPPENS WITH NORTH KOREA. THAT MAKES ME WONDER, WHAT ABOUT KIM JONG-UN?

IN THE PAST, WE HAVE HAD REALLY TERRIFYING ENEMIES LIKE SADDAM HUSSAIN AND HITLER. Now, suddenly, our nemesis is a sulking teenager who dresses like Rosie O'DONNELL at the Emmys. KIM JONG-UN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF HIM. What that guy doesn't understand is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down the United States. IT'S CALLED FLORIDA. YES IT IS. YES, PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS A LOT ON HIS PLATE NOW about him. HE IS IN A VERY BEAUTIFUL STAGE IN WHICH THERE ARE NO MORE SECRETS ABOUT HIM TO BE OUT. WE ALL KNOW THAT HE LIVED IN INDONESIA AS A CHILD, STUDYING IN A MUSLIM SEMINARY AND OCCASIONALLY HAD A DOG. -- HE ATE DOG.

FROM THE BEGINNING, A CHILD WHO HAD HIS EYES ON THE PRESIDENCE OF THE UNITED STATES. SEE A CHECK, AND ASK. HERECOME. I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND THE PRESS CAN SOMETIMES SEEM A LITTLE STRESS. SOME IN THIS ROOM HAVE ACCUSED HIM OF BEING DISTANT AND TALL. WHEN I ASKED THE PRESIDENT BEFORE, HE SAID OH, AND THEN WALKED AWAY. IT'S JUST NATURAL, BUT MR. THE PRESIDENT ELECTION WAS LESS EXCITING THAN THE FIRST TIME IN 2008. ONE ELECTION NIGHT, YOU CELEBRATED WITH HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE IN CHICAGO'S GRANT PARK. IT WAS FASCINATING. THIS TIME, YOU SPLIT THE HOT DOG YOU DIDN'T ASK ABOUT.

IT DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME BUZZ. It's been several months since you were re-elected, so I'm curious, why do you keep sending everyone five emails a day asking for more money? YOUR ONE. -- WON. DO YOU HAVE A GAMING PROBLEM THAT WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT? DID YOU PUT EVERYTHING TO GONZAGA? YOU DID IT, DIDN'T YOU? HE DID. PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ALREADY MADE MANY CHANGES IN HIS SECOND TERM. YOU RECENTLY NAMED JOHN KERRY AND CHUCK HAGEL. SMART MOVEMENTS. THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES WHO READ EVEN MORE TIRED THAN YOU. A GREAT STRATEGY. MISTER. PRESIDENT, YOU WILL LEAVE OFFICE WHEN YOU ARE VERY YOUNG.

THE PRESIDENCY HAS ESTABLISHED IT, PAID ITS TOLL from him. YOU'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A "LAW AND ORDER" JUDGE. JUST SAY YOU'RE ON THIN ICE, ADVISOR. YOU COULD HAVE THAT PART RIGHT AWAY. YOUR HAIR IS SO WHITE I COULD BE A MEMBER OF YOUR CABINET. HE CAN HANDLE IT. HE RECENTLY ELECTED THE NEW SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY, JACK LEW. IF THE PRESIDENT EVER HAS TO LET HIM GO, HE CAN SAY: IT'S NOT LEW, IT'S ME. THE QUOTE THAT A CITY SHOULD BUT THE PRESIDENT IS THAT HE'S ALWAYS THE COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM. THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS.

HE'S THE COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM. HERE IS MY QUESTION. WHO ELSE IS IN THAT ROOM? IT'S NOT HARD TO BE THE COOL GUY WHEN THE OTHER GUYS IN THE ROOM ARE BIDEN, HAGEL AND CARRY. I would love to be in a room where Steve Ville Sackett shows someone how to make the Harlem Shake. I made some jokes about the president tonight. I AM WAITING FOR MY AUDIT. IS COMING. I KNOW. I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT HERE AND CHANGE SPEED AND SAY SOMETHING TO THE PRESIDENT. ABOUT THE EVENTS OF THE LAST TWO WEEKS. SOME OF YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS.

I GREW UP IN BOSTON. BUT THE PARENTS STILL LIVE THERE. MY BROTHER LUKE RAISED HIS FAMILY IN WATERTOWN. I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT, FOR VISITING THAT GREAT CITY AND HELPING PEOPLE BEGIN TO HEAL WITH YOUR INSPIRING WORDS. YOU MADE A BIG DIFFERENCE. IT HAS BEEN SAID RECENTLY NOT TO MESS WITH BOSTON. AS SOMEONE WHO GREW UP THERE, I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE THAT FEELING. IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO BOTHER A CITY, DON'T CHOOSE ONE WHERE NINE OUT OF EVERY 10 PEOPLE ARE RELATIONSHIP WITH A POLICE OFFICER.

DO NOT DO IT. IT'S STUPID. THAT INCLUDES ME. I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO MENTION BEFORE I LEAVE. EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH WASHINGTON NOW. WE SAW HOW YOU GO CRAZY FOR "HOUSE OF CARDS" "HOMELAND", HOLLYWOOD CAN'T TIRE OF YOUR WORD - WORLD. I AM EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE A TELEVISION MINISERIES ABOUT THE POWERFUL HERE IN WASHINGTON. THEY JUST FINISHED THE CASTING AND I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE WHO IS GOING TO PLAY WHO. THIS IS BIG. VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO BE PLAYED BY BOB BARKER. FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER DAVID AXELROD WILL BE PLAYED BY MAGNUM PEII'S HIGGINS.

THIS WAS ALSO PRODUCED BY STEVEN SPIELBERG, BY THE WAY. PAUL RYAN'S PRESENT WILL BE PLAYED BY MR. BEAN. SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER WILL BE PLAYED BY GRANDPA MUNSTER. THIS ISSENADOR HARRY REID WILL BE PLAYED BY THE OLD MAN OF AMERICAN GOTHIC PAINTING. FOX NEWS CEO ROGER AILES WILL BE PLAYED BY - BIGGER BOEHNER WILL BE PLAYED BY TAN MOM. THE SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY WILL BE PLAYED BY PAUL GIAMATTI. FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND CHICAGO MAYOR RAHM EMANUEL WILL BE PLAYED BY "FAMILY GUY'S" STEWIE. SECRETARY OF STATE JOHN KERRY WILL BE PLAYED BY ANY EASTER ISLAND CHIEF.

I CAN'T TELL THOSE TWO DIFFERENT. SUPREME COURT PRESIDING JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS WILL BE PLAYED BY BUZZ LIGHT YEAR. SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL WILL BE PLAYED BY DAME EDNA. CEMENT EGG OR WOLF BLITZER WILL BE PLAYED BY A - CNN ANCHOR WOLF BLITZER WILL BE PLAYED BY A FURBY. AND WHEN LOCKE YEAR WILL BE PLAYED BY THE FALLING FACE OF RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. AND WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY JAY CARNEY WILL BE IBY RALPHIE FROM "A CHRISTMAS STORY." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A HUGE HONOR. THANK YOU SO MUCH. EXCELLENT BEFORE, BRIDGE