Conan O'Brien Delivers Dartmouth's Commencement Address

I've been living in Los Angeles for two years and I've never been so cold in my life. I'll pay anyone here $300 for gore-tex gloves. I'm serious. I have the cash before I start. I should note that behind me sits a much admired President of the United States and a decorated war hero, while I, a cable television talk show host, have been chosen to be here and, in part, Wisely, I pray I have never witnessed a more damning example of what is wrong in America today. teachers, parents, relatives, college students and seniors who just came to these things good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth class of 2011, today you have accomplished something special, something that only 92% of Americans your age will ever know about perhaps a college diploma to go with your college diploma.

We now have a crushing lead over 8% of the workforce. I'm talking about losers who dropped out of school like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg, by the way, talking about Mr. Zuckerberg only at Harvard someone would have to invent a massive social network just to talk to someone in the next room. My first job as

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speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to obtain the Diploma. You'll get this weekend, that was great and Dartmouth is giving me the same title for interviewing Twilight's fourth lead.

Deal with that, another example of life not being fair if it rains. The rich and powerful on stage get the tenth deal. I would like to thank Chairman Kim for inviting me here today. After my phone call with Chairman Kim, I decided to find out a little about the man he calls Chairman Kim and Dr. Kim to his friends is Jim Kim J to Special K JK Rowling, the prankster Kimster and the most disconcerting and stinky Pete. He serves as chair of the department of global health and social medicine at Harvard Medical School and led a task force for the world.

The Health Organization in Global Health Initiatives won a MacArthur Genius Grant and was one of Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in 2006. OMG, what the hell are you compensating? Seriously, we get it, by the way, you're smart. Jim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to find out why each of these graduate students ran around a bonfire 111 times, but I appreciate you inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and although it is an honor. some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit literally late last night.

I snuck here and sat in every seat. I did it to prove a point. I'm not brilliant and I have a lot of experience. time off, but this is a wonderful occasion, it's great to be here in New Hampshire, where I'll get an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can keep in the trunk of my car, you know, New Hampshire, when I got here, it was a such a special place. I took a deep breath of fresh New England air and thought, "Wow, I'm in a state close to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made, but don't get me wrong.

I take my class today very seriously when I got the call." . Two months ago, to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity that many of you have devoted to an important term paper, so last night I started, drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty and then open my browser. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said that Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League university in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States. Thank you and good luck reaching out to you students today. I've done my best to get to know your unique linguistic patterns well, in fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my mind-blowing berry to eat a Billy Bob at Bema when my Flixter Francesca got bombarded by some idiot at her MSP yes, I've done my research , this university was named after the 2nd Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the 3rd Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of Barbizon School of Beauty.

His school motto is botsko Montes y deserto, which means voice that cries in the desert. This is easily the most pathetic school. motto that I once heard apparently came close to crying silently in a thick bush and moaning loudly to go out without pants surely the school color is green and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because and this is true I looked it up, I quote that it was the only color that hadn't been taken yet I don't remember hearing anything so sad Dartmouth you have an inferiority complex and you shouldn't have graduated more fictional great Americans than any other university Meredith Gray from Grey's Anatomy Pete Campbell from Mad Men Michael Corleone from The Godfather, in fact, I'm looking forward to next year's valedictory speech from our esteemed classmate, Count Chocula, of course, his fictional top graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, can you imagine if Would a real Treasury Secretary make those types of decisions?

Now I know what you're going to do. to say Dartmouth you're going to say well, we have dr. Seuss, guess what we're all tired of hearing about dr. Seuss, face it, the man rhymed falou soul with snoozle in a literary community called trap. Your insecurity is so great at Dartmouth that you don't even think you deserve a real podium. I'm sorry, what the hell is this thing? It looks like you. I stole it from the set of Survivor Nova Scotia, seriously, it looks like something a bear would wear to a AAA reunion, not Dartmouth, you should stand tall, hold your head up and be proud because if Harvard, Yale and Princeton are your vain, selfish Names. older brothers, you were the cool, sexually confident younger brother who played lacrosse, who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room and writes to Columbia and Cornell, well, frankly, who gives a yes, me.

I have always had a special bond with this school, in fact this is the second time I have come here when I was 17 and visited colleges in the fall of 1980. I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. Travel from Boston on a mule after asking the blacksmith at the West Laboratory for directions. I arrived at this beautiful campus, dormitories had not been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction, it snowed a lot during my visit and stuck here for four months I was forced to eat the mule that one week She had previously been forced to eat fur traders.

I still love Dartmouth and vowed to return, but fate dealt me ​​a hard blow with no money. I was forced to enroll in a small local commuter school a throbbing sore in a muddy elbow of the Charles River I was miserable and went this day I can't help but wonder what if I had gone to Dartmouth? If I had gone to Dartmouth, I could have spent at least part of my life there. years of college outdoors and today I might not be allergic to all plant life as well as most types of rocks, if I had gone to Dartmouth right now I would be wearing a wool thong instead of a cotton thong. lace, if I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn't know the second verse of dear old Dartmouth.

Accept it. None of you mutter that part. If I had gone to Dartmouth, I would eventually have a liver the size and consistency of a beanbag chair. If I had gone to Dartmouth today. I would receive an honorary degree at Harvard, imagine how wonderful that would be. You are a great school and you deserve a historic

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speech. That's how it is. I want my message today to be remembered forever because I changed the world by doing this. I must suggest. Innovative and basic politics Winston Churchill gave his famous Iron Curtain speech at Westminster College in 1946 JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963 today I would like to outline my own politics here at Dartmouth.

I call it the doctrine of coning under Koenen. doctrine all bachelor's degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees all master's degrees will be upgraded to doctorates and all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison under the Cohen doctrine Winter Carnival will become winter carnival and will move to Rio Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association His nickname, the Big Green One, will be changed to something more spectacular like Jade Blade, the Seafoam Avenger or simply Zilla Lime, the plan d and the Porter system will eventually be upgraded to the 164 system.

The last three days students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must have been on campus sometime during their sophomore year, on the 4th of July under the Conan Doctrine. I will reinstate the tube and punish those who try to replace it with rafting and beer. They are a much better combination than a field and a beer. Turns out I knew that in two years they were going to downgrade heel stock to desk stock seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk don't let those bastards do it and finally under the Conan Doctrine: all the graduation speakers who shamelessly pander to references cheap internals designed to garner childish applause will be forced to apologize to the greatest graduating class in history, the Dartmouth World Class of 2011, in addition to politics, another hallmark or great commencement speeches is deep, insightful advice like Look carefully for the stars today I'm not going to waste your time with empty clichés.

Instead, I'll give you real practical advice that you'll need to know if you're going to survive the next few years. The first acne in adulthood lasts. more than you think I almost canceled two days ago because I had a pimple in my eye guys this is important you can't iron your shirt while wearing it here's another one if you live with ramen noodles for too long you lose all the feelings in your hands and your feces They turn into a white gel and finally wearing colored Converse high tops under your graduation gown is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life, so Of course, there are many parents here.

And I also have some real advice for you parents, you should write this down. Many of their children have not seen them in four years. Well, now you're about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you. Wi-Fi doesn't work if your child majored in Fine Arts or Philosophy, he has good reason to worry. The only place where you are now truly qualified to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that title. The traffic today in East Wheelock is going to be murder so once they start handing out diplomas you should sneak right into the middle of the case and I have to tell you that you will spend more money framing your son's diploma than they will make in the next six months, it's tough out there so be patient, the only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and the Mexican drug cartels.

Yes, your parents need to be patient because the job market is indeed bleak. One of the reasons it's so hard to find work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their homes. Jobs trust me on this even when they promise you for five years that they will leave and say it on television. I mean, you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there's no guarantee they won't come back. Of course, I'm speaking generally, but enough, this is not a time for gloomy forecasts or negativity. No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually have something real to tell you.

Eleven years ago I gave a speech to a graduating class at Harvard. I haven't spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing more to say, but then 2010 came and now I'm here 3,000 miles from home because last year I learned a hard but profound lesson that I won't share with you in the future. 2000. I told the graduates not to be afraid of failing, now I am here to tell you that you should not fear failure, you should do everything you can to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." The takeaway is that it almost kills you, it stings with disappointment, and for successful, motivated people like you, it's disorienting.

What Nietzsche should have said is that everything that doesn't kill you makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-priced Chardonnay at 11:00. In the morning, commencement speakers at an Ivy League university are now, by definition, considered successful, but a little over a year ago I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I didn't get what I wanted and I left a system that had nurtured me and helped define me. For the better part of seventeen years I went from being in the center of the network to not only outside the network, but also under the coffee table on which the network sits, lost in the shag rug beneath the table. coffee table holding network.

A professional disaster and a terrible analogy were made, but then something spectacular happened. Bound in the fog, without a compass, adrift. I started trying things.I grew a strange tan beard. I entered the world of social networks. I started tweeting my comedy. a national tour i played guitar i did stand-up they were in a tight blue leather suit i recorded an album i made a documentary and scared my friends and family i finally abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path in height and took a job in basic cable with a network famous for showing reruns alongside sitcoms created by a tall black man who dresses like an old black woman.

I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous, and seemingly irrational things, and guess what, with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life to date. I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I've never had more fun. I have been challenged more and this is important. I had more conviction about what I was doing. How could it be true? It's simple, there are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear come true. I went to college with a lot of people who took pride in knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going at Harvard, five different kids in my class told me that one day they would be president of the United States four of them were later killed in shootings at a motel.

The others briefly hosted Blue's Clues before senseless deaths and another motel shooting. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, it goes up and down, it changes course. This happens in all jobs. but having worked in comedy for 25 years I can probably speak better for my own profession back in the 1940s, there was a very very funny man called Jack Benny, he was a giant star, easily one of the best comedians of his generation and a much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted to be Jack Benny in some ways, in some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't.

He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms along with the changing environment led him to a different perspective. direction, and yet his failure to fully become her hero made him the funniest person of his generation. David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson and he wasn't and as a result, my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman and none of us are me and my peers. We have all failed at that mark in a thousand different ways, but the point is that our failure to become our perceived ideal is what ultimately defines us and makes us unique.

It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it correctly, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention, so at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed during decades and the world of entertainment, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host the Tonight Show, it was the Holy Grail and Like many people, I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful, but that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me and it shouldn't define you. I told graduates in 2000 not to be afraid to fail and I still believe. that but today I tell you whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come, the beautiful thing is that through disappointment you can obtain clarity and with clarity comes conviction and true originality, many of you here today are obtaining your diploma in this Ivy League school because You have committed to a dream and you have worked hard to achieve it and there is no greater cliché in a commencement speech, so follow your dream well.

I'm here to tell you that whatever you think is your dream now will probably change and that's okay. Years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience would be and who you would become, and I bet that today most of you would admit that your time here was much different than you imagined, your roommates changed, His specialty changed. For some of you, your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I started this speech. I know, but through the good times and especially the bad, the person they are now is someone they could never have conjured up in the fall. 2007 I have told you many things today, most of them foolish, but some of them are true.

I would like to end my speech by breaking a taboo and quoting myself 17 months ago at the end of my last show with NBC, just before signing. Outside I said, work hard, be kind, and wonderful things will happen today as you receive this honor and speak to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind the trunk of a tree. I had never believed that. Thank you very much and congratulations.