President Obama's 2015 White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech

good evening everyone, welcome to the White House Correspondents' Dinner on the night of Washington, someone has to do it, and welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency, that's right, why was Michelle cheering? The fact is, I feel more loose and relaxed than those Joe Bidens ever did. shoulder massages are like magic is there a trauma or have you gotta take advantage of every moment I have left after the midterm elections my advisors asked me mr. President, do you have a to-do list? And I said, well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list. Take executive action on immigration.

This Harmon Regulation Cube is just the thing. My new attitude is paying off. Look at my policy towards Cuba. The Castro brothers are here tonight. welcome to the United States. I move us what happens. What is it for the Castros of Texas? Oh, Iowa, cream. Hello who. Leone, anyway, being

president

is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system. day and it is no wonder that people continue to point out how the presidency has aged me. I look so old. Czar John Boehner invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral, meanwhile, the young lady is an age today.

I asked her what her secret is. She just says fresh fruits. and vegetables, the aggravating fact is that, at this point, my legacy is finally beginning to take shape. The economy is improving. 9 in 10 Americans now have health coverage. Thanks to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance if you lose your job. You're welcome Senate Democrats, don't look, it's true, I haven't managed to make everyone happy after six years of my presidency, some people still say I'm arrogant and condescending, some people are so dumb, no wonder I don't I met with them and that's not all people are saying about me a few weeks ago Dick Cheney says he thinks I'm the worst

president

of his life, which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my life.

What a coincidence, everyone has something to say these days. Mike Huckabee recently said that people should not join our military until a true conservative is elected president. Think about that. 47 furious ayatollahs wrote us a letter trying to explain to Huckabee how our system works. It just got worse this week. Michelle Bachman Ash predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days, that is such a great legacy. I mean Lincoln Washington, they didn't do that, but you know, I had to put these things aside. I must focus on my work because for many Americans this is still a time of deep uncertainty, for example, I have a friend who just a few weeks ago was earning millions of dollars a year and now lives in a van in Iowa, meanwhile, in the capital of our nation, we are always trying.

With new challenges, I'm happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent reporting from White House

correspondents

, is really focusing on some of the problems that have arisen and finally figured out a foolproof way to keep people out of my lawn A few months ago, a drone crashed in the back and that was pretty bad, but don't worry, we've installed a new state-of-the-art safety system, you know? It allowed me to set the record straight. You know, I make fun of Joe sometimes, but he's been by my side for seven years. I love that man.

Not only is he a great vice president, he is a great friend. We have become so close in some places in Indiana that it doesn't work for us. pizza I want to thank our hosts for the night girl from Chicago is incredibly talented Cicely Strong on Saturday Night Live Cicely impersonates CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin, which is surprising because usually the only people impersonating journalists on CNN They're CNN reporters ABC is here with some of the stars of their big new comedy blackish is a great show but I have to warn ABC that being blackish only makes you popular for a while trust me that thing has a shelf life like always, the reporters here had a lot to cover.

Last year here on the east coast, a big story was the brutal winter, the polar vortex blowing and they changed the name to MSNBC, but of course, let's face it, there is one problem on every journalist's mind and that is In 2016, we have already seen some false steps. Jeb Bush identified as Hispanic back in 2009. Do you know what I look like? I understand that it is an innocent mistake. He reminds me of when I identified as American in 1961. Ted Cruz said denying the existence of climate change could turn you into Galileo now. that's not really an appropriate comparison Galileo believed that the Earth revolves around the Sun Ted Cruz believes that the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz and this is an aside.

I want to point out when a guy who has his face on a hopeful sign calls you self-absorbed. I know you have a problem: the rate of narcissism is getting too high, meanwhile Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend the same-sex wedding of a friend or loved one, to which gays and lesbians across the country responded that will not go. be a problem don't worry about it and Donald Trump is still here anyway it's amazing how time flies soon the first presidential race will be held and I can't wait to see who the Koch brothers choose it's exciting Marco Rubio Rand Paul Ted Cruz Jeb Bush Scott Walker, who will finally get that red rose, the winner receives a billion dollar war chest, the second place will be the bachelor on the next season of The Bachelor, mysteriously, a billion dollars of only two guys, is it just me or not? that feels a little excessive, it's almost an insult to the candidates, even though the Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get people to like one of these people, it has to hurt their feelings a little and look, I know I've raised a lot of money too, but to be fair, my middle name is Hussein, what's the excuse?

The road hasn't been easy for my fellow Democrats either, as we all know Hillary's private emails got her in trouble, frankly, I thought it was going to be a private Instagram. realize that it was going to cause him bigger problems hilary starts without being recognized and her polls should not be left behind martin o'malley starts without being recognized that a campaign event for martin o'malley and Bernie Sanders could run I like to burn Bernie is an interesting guy apparently some people really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We might get a third Obama term after all, it might happen anyway, as always.

I want to end on a more serious note and I often joke about the tensions between The Press and me, but honestly, what they say doesn't bother me. I understand that we have an adversarial system. I'm a calm guy and that's why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight. He grabs your lily. -White butts in our rapidly changing global traditions, like the White House Correspondents' Dinner, are important because, despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day, so we could count with Fox News to terrorize all

white

people.

Ridiculous answers, we won't always agree on CNN, thank you very much for the complete coverage of Ebola, but for two whole weeks we were one step away from the walking dead, that was incredible. Oh, and by the way, just yes I realized you don't have Ebola, but I still deeply appreciate the work you do. You don't know what was in that big hole at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico and then I covered it up. Remember what Obama's Katrina was. one was 19 years old and the other was a 22 year old doctor. I remember that protecting our democracy is more important than ever, for example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz six million dollars was only exercising the freedom of expression, yes, it is the type of

speech

like this.

I just wasted six million dollars and it's not just Republicans. Hillary will have to use sums of money in anger. Oh, then she go get that money, she'll keep all the money. Khaleesi is coming to Westeros. Oh an unsent focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy that's why we have it no we're not we're not we're not who the hell said that but we need to stay focused on some big challenges like change climate. It's strange, you haven't realized that California is completely dry. It looked like a trailer for the new Mad Max movie up there everyone thinks Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd he needed a glass of water the science is clear the science is clear nine of the ten hottest Many years have passed in the Last decade, there aren't many scientists, but I know how to juggle rising sea levels, more violent storms, mosquitoes, sweaty people on the train, it sucks, it's just disgusting, look what's happening now, every serious scientist.

Says we have to act The Pentagon says it's a national security risk Miami floods on a sunny day and instead of doing anything about it we have elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate, okay, I think I get it, Brian, this is crazy, what's going on? our children what kind of short-sighted irresponsible idiot Hey, with all due respect sir, you don't need an anger translator, you need advice and I'm out of here, man, I'm trying to get into all this, go, Luther, my anger translator is young now . that I let off steam you know explanatory investigative journalism Pleasant journalism that exposes corruption and injustice and gives a voice to the different and the marginalized those who do not have a voice that is power it is a privilege it is so important to the trajectory of the United States for our values ​​our ideals that anything we could do in elected office we remember the journalists we lost over the past year journalists like steven sotloff and james foley murdered for nothing more than trying to shine a light on some of the darkest corners of the world we remember the journalists unjustly imprisoned around the world, including our own Jason Raize An for nine months Jason has been imprisoned in Tehran for nothing more than writing about the hopes and fears of the Iranian people and bringing their stories to Washington Post readers, an effort to uniting our common humanity, as Jason's brother already mentioned.

Ali is here tonight and I have told him personally that we will not rest until we get him home to his family safely. These journalists and many others consider that their work is more than just a profession, but a public good, an indispensable pillar of our society, so I want to toast them and raise a glass to them and to all of you with the words of the American foreign correspondent Dorothy Thompson It is not the fact that freedom is exercised that ultimately determines whether freedom itself survives because of her devotion to the exercise of our freedom and to the telling of our American story.

God bless you. God bless the United States of America.