Bowser's military hierarchy | Unraveled

Bowser. King Koopa. The authoritarian turtle with a penchant for princess naps. The very name of it strikes fear into the hearts of both man and mushroom. And he's also pretty good at figure skating. But when you focus on Bowser's many attempts to bring the Mushroom Kingdom under his rule, you can forget that to fuel his violent vanity projects, he must endanger hundreds of henchmen. And by danger, I mean in front of Mario. But I? I never forget the troops. And today I pay tribute to those who have risked their lives for a megalomaniacal turtle. Today I present to you Bowser's

military

hierarchy

.

I can't go any further, sorry. "But Brian," I hear you ask, "why does Bowser need a

military

hierarchy

?" And friends, I hear you. I hear your questions constantly. They come to me in my dreams like a prophet receiving visions of an angry god. Bowser needs a military hierarchy because of the Geneva Conventions. Do you remember those things? Those little rules that stop you from committing war crimes? Look, I know Bowser is a bad guy, but I don't think Nintendo would actively create a war criminal and then allow him to sit in the backseat of a kart with a baby.

This is due to how we define armed conflict. I read all the Geneva Conventions to find this information, which turned out to be unnecessary because there is a much more succinct definition in a much shorter document. But do I regret having read the Geneva Conventions? Of course not. Knowledge is its own reward. And could I really call this Unraveled if I didn't spend an entire day reading 224 pages of dense legal jargon for no good reason? Of course I couldn't. Of course he couldn't... If Bowser wants to keep his armed conflict legal, we need to codify his aggression.

So this means that his minions must follow a command structure. One that is not at all clear in the games. All we need is a list of Bowser's troops. That's where this book comes in! It's the Super Mario Bros. Encyclopedia. The official list of everything you could ever want to know about the 17 games in the main Super Mario Bros. series. The main series is just the platformers, none of the RPGs or spin-offs. . But the positive side of this is that I can spend a different Unraveled talking about those games. Because God has cursed me for my arrogance and my work is never done.

Of the 17 main series, I'm going to eliminate these three games, because they don't have Bowser as the main antagonist. And I'll also include Super Mario Odyssey, because it came out after this book was published. That leaves us with 15 games and 226 enemies. I arrived at this number because I eliminated the variants. I cut out all the shadow versions of Mario, the minigame enemies, the enemies that are just machines, and Bowser's fursonas. Because they should never be exposed to the horrors of war. Now I need to figure out how to structure this hierarchy. I wondered: Is there an analogous army that is somewhat bloated, often antagonistic, and seems to be the only thing leaders care to fund?

Unfortunately, I couldn't find any examples of this in real life. So I'm loosely basing it on the US military. That means Bowser's **SMACK*** military will be divided into branches based on which henchmen work best together, and I'll also try to integrate them along with the commissioned officers and enlisted troops. The standard command structure found in most armies. Let's start with the heads of state: obviously, we have Bowser at the top, the commander in chief. His defense secretary will be Kamek, with Kamella as National Security Council. We also have Bowser Jr. here, but he doesn't play a military role.

Actually, he is the Secretary of Transportation. But that is pure nepotism. The rest of Bowser's henchmen will fit into this hierarchy, and I will only say one henchman per rank, the one who embodies what that rank means. And I'll list the rest of the enemies on the screen. Because I want to save at least a little paper. Oh. Obviously I don't want to save so much paper. *paper guilt* Starting with our infantry, we have our ranks enlisted with the Goomba soldier. This makes sense. He is the basic troop. Going up a step towards the cape, we have the Galoomba.

He is more mature than the Goomba. And besides, his name has an extra syllable and is much more fun to shout. Pat: Look at this Galoomba! Brian: LOOK AT THIS GALOOMBA! Chargin’ Chuck is a great choice for the sergeant class, because this troop obviously enlisted right after being his star high school quarterback and rose through the ranks quickly. And now that we are at the rank of non-commissioned officer, the top of the enlisted ranks. We have, it's just a tower of Goombas. Kind of like the Naval Academy's Herndon Monument, Goombas get stronger and work better together when they're on top of each other.

Moving forward to the commissioned officers, we begin with the officer cadet. And that will be Twirlip. He has the round, smooth body of a day one ROTC recruit, but there's ambition in those eyes. Second Lieutenant, we have the Snailicorn. It is the natural evolution of the officer cadet, but a little more dangerous. When you reach first lieutenant, you will have truly proven yourself and will be ready to show your dedication to the cause. And what better way to show your dedication than to be literally shot out of a cannon. When you become captain, you will need to have a top-down perspective.

And that's why the height of the Pokey is great for this range. Plus, the Pokey knows how to take calculated losses in stride, like literally taking a punch to the entire torso and still maintaining a smile. Then we have Major Squizzard, and I'll skip over him, because his name makes me uncomfortable. For the Lieutenant Colonel, I chose Wiggler because they are able to maintain their composure and only release their aggression when absolutely necessary. But a quick shout out to Stairface Ogre, who is also a lieutenant colonel and looks like he could be a member of the Wu Tang clan.

Next, we have Colonel Spike. At the rank of colonel, you not only face wartime issues, but also the internal politics of the army, which is why Spike takes the time to play a few rounds of tennis with the boss. A brigadier general needs an eye for detail and a strong hand to guide him. And that's literally all that Knucklotec is. Major Burrows truly deserves the rank of major general because he has demonstrated a powerful understanding of many strategies on many different battlefields. But more than that, he has this tender leadership quality that makes him not only respected, but also loved by his peers.

And on top of him is a fucking T-Rex. Unfortunately, not even the military hierarchy is safe from nepotism. And while no one would describe Petey Piranha as capable in literally any circumstance, his father took a bullet for Bowser in the Korean War, which is why he's now a general. And finally we have our quarterback, the five-star general. Obviously, this person will oversee all aspects of Bowser's infantry and should be filled with the most powerful troops. So he is Ukiki. This shitty monkey plays dumb, but he's the Sun Tzu of Bowser's army. Listen to these quotes: And that's the basic structure of Bowser's infantry, although there are also three special divisions of infantry units that are trained to fight in different conditions.

The Lava and Ice divisions are still under the command of Field Marshal Ukiki and have no enlisted troops. I won't talk much about these two, but I think they are personified by the Bully from the Lava group and the Chill Bully from the Ice group, who is exactly the same as the Bully, except he will be softer on the others. If he can tell you're having a tough day. And the third special infantry unit is the spectral unit, or Dry Corps, because not even death can excuse you from service in Bowser's army. I want to talk about the implications of this unity for a moment.

Specifically Dry Bones and Dry Bowser, whose naming conventions confuse and scare me. When I die, will I become Dry Brian? Is it a live Bowser... a wet Bowser? Why does the piranha plant have bones? Next we have our water troops. Where can you find pleasure, search for treasures in the world, learn science and technology? Hmm. Where can you start making your dreams come true, on land or at sea? *SINGING* IN THE NAVY! I will not extend my welcome to the naval forces because we already understand what each of the ranks in the hierarchy entails. But I just wanted to point out one troop.

The Gushen. Because his name is Gushen. And I had to learn that his name was Gushen. And now you should know that he is also called Gushen. And of course, the fleet admiral will be Unagi. Because Unagi is the scariest character ever portrayed. Fuck you, Mr. X. Now in the Air Force, we start with the Paragoomba at our lowest rank. And honestly, we'll move on to the wing commander, because most of the Air Force is just infantry but with wings. Lakitu is our wing commander. You might remember him as that helpful guy who picks you up at Mario Kart.

But he actually started the massive bombings. And it might seem redundant to have Klepto as Air Force Marshal. But if there's one strategy that Bowser's army understands better than anything else, it's stealing hats. And these are the branches of Bowser's army. Of course, there are also Special Forces. Units that Bowser can send out when he needs to do something quietly and cleanly. Like when he sent the Broodals to carry out the extrajudicial execution of Professor E. Gadd. Then we have the Bros. I'm talking about the Hammer Bro, the Fire Bro, all the brothers in between. You can learn more about them in the HBO series, Band of Brothers.

I assume. I have never seen the program. It's time for the special forces called The Funny Parade! It's the fun parade! You know about Thwomps, but did you know that Thwomps exist? And do Whomps have Whimps? Thwimps and Thwomps and Whimps and Whomps and Grindels and Spindels and Grrrols. There are Tox Box, Flomps, Rhomps, Bomps, Walleyes and Wallops, and they are all practically invincible and will crush you without hesitation like Sherman's March to the Sea cartoon. Next, we have the Koopalings. They're kind of like Seal Team 6 in Bowser's army. Iggy, Larry, Lemmy, Roy, Wendy O., Ludwig Von.

Note that I didn't include Morton Koopa Jr., because despite what he's written in his memoirs, he's never actually seen active duty and is a value-stealing bastard. And the latest special forces team. They are the Stus. Strollin' Stu. Soarin' Stu (soarin' stu). Swipin' Stu. Smolderin' Stu (smolderin' Stu). *Pat laughs off screen.* I don't know if they're good at fighting, but they're good at being the best fucking Mario characters. And that's all the troops in Bowser's army. Except these six specific ones. They didn't really fit into the military structure. They do not act like soldiers. The Koopa Troopas from Super Mario 64 don't even bother you.

For example, they mind their own business unless you go out of your way to attack them. So, I repeat, they don't even feel military. To be honest, they act more like civilians. *realizing an unfortunate truth* Oh my god, they're civilians. Well, maybe reading the entire Geneva Conventions wasn't so unnecessary after all. There is something called the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, and in Article 8, subsection 2, it states that serious violations of the Geneva Conventions count as war crimes. And if these Koopa Troopas are actually not Troopas, but civilians, and Mario kills them, then that is a direct violation of Article 8 Part 2, subsection B, 1: (i) Intentionally directing attacks at the civilian population...

Mario He is a war criminal. But that's not the only gap, God no. Subsection A 4: Extensive destruction and appropriation of property. Destroy a brick to earn a coin. Subsection A 5, Forcing a prisoner of war... to serve in the forces of a hostile Power. What else could you call using Cappy to possess enemies and then forcing them to shoot their own friends? Subsection A 8, Hostage Taking. What was Mario doing with that penguin boy? You might think, hey, maybe Mario has toughened up after years of Bowser attacking him, but LOOK BACK AT MARIO'S YOUTH! I know that I did not include Yoshi's Island in these lists of games, but Subsection B, 21: Committing attacks on personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment.

Yoshi made Shy Burt's pants drop! But Baby Mario gave the order. He already feels shy! You didn't need to gasp the man! Mario has committed at least 5 war crimes, and I'm not even including the child soldiers he has enlisted in RPGs. But luckily, I've already compiled an extensive PDF that I just emailed to The Hague, outlining Mario's crimes. Still, it's important to note that Bowser is also to blame. Goomba's great loss of life is a tragedy, no matter which side you're on. The real enemy is war itself. And to fix it, we have to turn to the only thing that worked in the past.

Song. Once again everyone! We are the Toads. We are the goombas. So please stop jumping on each other, you big Galoombas! Why do we fight fortake up other people's space, when there are so many mushrooms to spare? We could all have extra lives if we just shared them.