Which Dark Souls boss is the best manager? | Unraveled
May 29, 2021Welcome to the second season of Unraveled! You can tell it's a new season because I grew a mustache and cut my hair. Ohoho, I'm obviously joking. They are both false. I know how much I would disappoint my friends if I changed my appearance. I'm joking again. I'm not your friend and you have no say over what I do with my body. And speaking of harsh realities... The world of Dark Souls is scary and murky. How can you really understand the story of Dark Souls without experiencing Dark Souls? Working tirelessly in inhospitable environments, under uncharitable masters. To truly understand the story of Dark Souls, you must first understand the bleakness of...
Working a job! Have you ever thought about the term Boss in a video game? Those terrible enemies have the same title as the people you will work for for the rest of your life! Haha, what a silly coincidence! Dark Souls is known for its tremendously difficult
boss
es that prove themselves on the battlefield, but can they prove themselves in a more difficult environment: the Lordran Hills Business Park and Trade Center? It is in front of the shopping center. Today, I rank all of the Dark Soulsboss
es based on how good they would be asmanager
s. I'm not going to dance this season.Welcome to the Dark Souls Corp onboarding seminar. Now I'm only going to talk about the bosses of Dark Souls 1, 2 and 3. No other “Soulsborne” games. I was originally thinking of including Demon's Souls, but they were actually integrated into Dark Corporation in a very complicated merger. All
manager
s were fired. So we're not talking about them. That leaves us with 96 Dark Souls bosses and minibosses. And it brings us to the difficult part of our journey: how do we objectively answer the subjective question, "What makes a good boss?" So I started researching lists of “the x qualities of a good boss” on places like LinkedIn and Forbes, and then fell down the rabbit hole of hundreds of corporate blogs.And at the end of this trip, I realized... that it didn't matter at all. What matters is creating a catchy mnemonic device that can be used in PowerPoint. So here are the five Cs that make a good boss: Number one, clear vision. Can this boss communicate his goals and give clear steps on how to achieve them? This boss is clearly holding his big ol' arm in the air before hitting you with it? Number two, consistent feedback. It's important for a boss to let you know that you've made a mistake, like challenging Seath the Scaleless before putting on your sacrificial ring, absolutely silly.
His child. Number three, value employees. A good boss values employees' perspectives and rewards good performance. Like when a boss decides to die when you give it a good hit. Number four, compassionate leadership. Honest. Trusting. Worthy of respect from his employees. The kind of boss you could chat with in the Estus fridge. And the fifth and final C. I can really go to town with a motherfucker. Slices. Dices. Big old grinders. Someone who is willing to do whatever it takes when things get tough. Or someone revealing an abyssal dragon they've been keeping under their armor all this time.
This is our main criterion for what characterizes a good boss. But for 96 bosses, it will be difficult to differentiate their management style with just these five Cs. That is why I present to you the human resources index. If they are here, they will receive a lot of praise from HR. If they're down here, they get a lot of complaints from HR. Let's be honest, some well-liked bosses are very bad leaders, and some really good leaders are SLICK AS HELL. So let's sort through some DARK SOULS BOOOOOOSSEEEEEEEEES. Here is our scale. We'll start with the neutrals. They're the standard boss, so I'm going to skim through them.
Guardian Dragon, The Pursuer, Old Demon King, Demon of Song. If you're watching this video and you see yourself exhibiting these mediocre tendencies, I want you to ask yourself: What can I do to be better than the Royal Rat Authority, who vomits acid all over the floor several times a day and is still considered a pretty boss Well. Aim higher. Let's talk about the easy ones! Now, these are like my favorite substitute teacher in high school, Mr. S, who rambled on throughout class about his youth traveling the world instead of teaching us about Lord of the Flies.
Although I loved Mr. S. Objectively, he was a terrible teacher. Tomb Champion and Great Tomb Wolf. This guy is so funny! She brought his dog to work! I love dogs! Literally nothing will be done today. Vordt of the Boreal Valley. Runs on all fours. It's really disturbing the "walking" space. It is very inefficient. Iron Golem. He's sweet, kind of clumsy, and you've already asked him to approve your expense reports like five times. Aava, Lud and Zallen, the king's pets. Literally built into the title, they are the teacher's pets. They suck up to the king. Seath the Scaleless is a true sweetheart, but he is very risk-averse.
And if you destroy his crystal, he becomes mortal and takes it very personally. The Smoke Knight. He has two sides, two swords. Look, he still has his old sword from when he had your job. But he will eventually get rid of that sword. He's going to be a real jerk about it. The lost sinner. She, and I quote: “he punishes himself eternally for the sins of his past.” It's important to have a boss who recognizes your flaws, but it's bad if your boss locks herself in the conference room and beats herself forever. I booked the conference room for three, I need to get in there.
The half-breed Priscilla turns invisible at the first sign of conflict. That is not presented in the company. Lorian and Lothric the princes. One of them hangs around the neck of the other, who actually does all the work. What is the worst form of micromanagement. The Four Kings. You don't fight all four at once. You fight one and then the rest slowly enter. Which is like all the group projects you had in high school. The Carthus sandworm. If you ignore them, they will ignore you, and some people like that style of management. But also if you stay on the sidelines long enough, someone else will shoot big arrows at them and then they'll die.
And that's a bad boss. The Dragonslayer Armor is really just a puppet for these big, wiry dragon butterflies. That's why they are very loved by their superiors, but only because they have no idea themselves. The Ancient Wyvern is the epitome of the pushover. Because you can just run through his stage and then kill him with an attack at the end. This is perfect for the employee who likes to, you know, waste time on Reddit all day and then send an email at five and then kick back. I don't know what that's like. I have never done that.
And finally, this is kind of an easy technical game. They are the Sentinels of the Ruins. They are like a board of directors in the sense that everyone looks the same and does the same thing,
which
is to say, not much. But you have to put up with them if you want to get anywhere in the company. Now let's move on to the opposite side of the scale. Let's talk about the sketches. They have powerful knowledge of corporate leadership... but everyone hates them. The Boreal Outrider Knight is a miniboss, but you can tell he really wants to be a boss.Nashandra tricks you into opening the Throne of Desire even though she only wants it for herself. But manipulation gets you pretty far in business. The Burnt Ivory King only comes to fight you after you kill literally all of his knights. He does it, of course, but only when necessary. Dragon rider. This guy doesn't have a dragon. His job title is obviously fake. It's like I got promoted to "kid who had a good time in high school." Bed of Chaos. He's actually a very effective leader, but every time you have to have a "bed of chaos meeting", someone from HR gets an email.
Centipede demon. He is unpleasant. Manus, the Father of the Abyss. Always yelling at me. Poor anger management. High Lord Wolnir has many gold jewels. Very ostentatious. All of his plans sound more like schemes, BUT! He knows the bassist from Maroon 5 and they've been looking for someone with really good sleights of hand and he's noticed that you've got something good, so if you want... Mytha, Baneful Queen doesn't really have an understanding of personal boundaries. She's like that coworker who, instead of sending an email, she just pokes her head over the cubicle wall. Except in this case the head separates from the body and will explode.
Pinwheel can summon an unlimited number of clones. Most bosses wish they could be everywhere at once. This may be it. Slave Knight Gael came into the company with you, he was a very good friend, and then he got promoted above you, and ever since then he's been a real jerk. Aldia, Scholar of the First Sin, is constantly testing you, because she sees great things in you. But friend, not everything has to be a test. This is a game stop. Aldrich, Eater of Gods has a lot of skeletons scattered across his clothes, and those are the people he ate on his way to the top.
Which is incredibly heartless, but at least he's honest about it. Pontiff Sulyvahn has two swords: an unholy flame and a sword of judgment. And he hits you with both. He's the kind of person who sends you a NSFW link at work and then reports you for clicking it. Dragon Slayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough do the shit. They are a power couple...that is not sanctioned by HR. They didn't fill out the paperwork. It makes everyone feel very uncomfortable. There is a LOT of PDA. And it's weird. Now let's move on to the good category, with the Old Dragons...
THIS IS JUST ORNSTEIN AGAIN. THIS GUY JUST PUT ON A DIFFERENT SUIT AND TRIED TO GET HIM REHIRED AT THE OGDEN BRANCH. That's not going to work! Is everyone ready for the stinkers? You thought we had some pretty bad bosses up to this point, but we haven't even gotten to the depths of bossy badness. We are about to reach Blighttown of HR. Vendrick. Dude, you should wear more than a loincloth to work. Chaos Witch Quelaag and Scorpion Najka are naked from the waist up... and naked from the waist down. Everyone, we have leftover t-shirts from the softball game, can you go to the bathroom and put on one of those please?
Old Iron King constantly works from home and signs all of his emails: "Sent from my hot tub." GET OUT OF THE JACUZZI! Incessant download. The name alone tells me you should have taken a sick day. Oceiros, the Consumed King, always talks about his son Ocelotte and shows you photos of him and his rowing team. You KNOW this psychology major will be replacing you as soon as he graduates from Yale. Asylum Demon, Stray Demon, and Demon Firesage all have a move called butt slam. *camera nods* The Mirror Knight. He reflects everyone's flaws, he doesn't look inward enough.
Greatwood rotten by curse. Another dress code violation. Gwyn, Lord of Cinder, remains because he was the founder and made a lot of money on Wall Street in the '80s, but he is empty inside. The greedy demon always takes credit for the work you are doing. And he steals your lunch from the refrigerator every day, even though I label him, DAVE. Watchers of the abyss. Infighting is a very dangerous thing for a group of managers. Crystal Sage does a little work and then disappears, and then she does a little more work, and then disappears, and then you see them on her Instagram story at a beer garden.
Sister Friede is actually a very good boss and she should be up here, but unfortunately she is Father Ariandel's assistant, who is SO incompetent that he can't untie a chair from her butt. And finally, the worst boss... The Gaping Dragon. Under no circumstances should you be in a work environment and be described as gaping. All that's left is the top right of this scale, the good bosses, but before we get there, there are some bosses who don't really fit the standard "boss/employee" structure, or are basically corporations in their own right, so we will talk about them as alternatives.
The Bell and the Bell Tower Gargoyles only enter when someone else is suffering. So they are like consultants. Halflight, Spear of the Church could be a human player in real life. And pitting employees against each other is a big no-no. Royal Rat Vanguard is a boss rat who is surrounded by a horde of other indistinguishable rats, making it just an episode of Undercover Boss. Afflicted Graverobber, Ancient Soldier Varg, and Cerah the Old Explorer are a trio who... are just high school friends who decided to get together and open a burger joint, and they're a little incompetent, but you love them. anyway.
The Prowling Magus and Congregation is a startup because he's a charismatic weirdo who takes credit for all the hard-working people around him. We have some unions! A good union would be the Skeleton Lords. They are three gentlemen and a group of minions who are recognized and work together to achieve the same goal. That's good. A worse union is that of Deacons of the Deep, where management only arrives after five of its employees have been murdered. Finally, we have the Executioner's Wagon, whose employees are trying to unionize, but they keep getting trampled. And that leaves us with the good ones.
There are only 13 of them. The flexible sentinel. Greatmultitask. The Taurus Demon gives you the tools you need to succeed and encourages you to climb that ladder, so you can jump up and hit him on the head. Gravelord Nito has many skeleton friends. A very good delegator. The Duke's beloved Freja. Yes, she is a big spider... but she is the Duke's DEAR Freja! The duke loves her! When has the Duke led you astray before? Come on man! The duke loves her! Give him an oportunity! Pat (offscreen): Do it for the Duke! Do it for the Duke! Sinh, the Sleeping Dragon and the Last Giant are slow, deliberate and keep going even though they have a large spear through them.
Elana, the Skinny Queen, summons her friends when things get too much for her. That's good delegation and understanding your limits. The Ancient Dragon doesn't actually fight you until you fight them, you can just chat with this boss and honestly that's sometimes enough. The Great Gray Wolf Sif is a large wolf with a sword. FUCK YES! The Nameless King and the Storm King. Now, when the Storm King takes enough damage, the Nameless King will put them out of his misery. And he's very sad, but it's also what had to happen. That's good management. I fully expect my boss, Tara Long, to put me out of my misery when I'm no longer useful.
The soul of ashes. If you kill him, you could become him. And that is a very clear path to promotion. It's not a great path to promotion, but it's clear. The Throne Watcher and the Defender are another power couple, but they filled out the HR paperwork. And they work very well together! They are super professional about it. They constantly revive the other when he dies, and that's a good boss. Also, relationship goals. And finally, the
best
business boss in Dark Souls... is The Rotten. Because this company is employee owned. Each movement is carried out by the collective.Everyone has a voice and vote. Now you might think that you are small, insignificant and also dead. But! When you crush everyone's rotten, stinking corpse, you can move mountains together. The
best
boss is you. And all your friends dead. And at Dark Souls Corporation, that means you need a job description. So go ahead and use this handy chart to find out the title of your Dark Souls boss. And that concludes our onboarding seminar. Be sure to print your certificate of completion at the end of this video so you can send it to your manager. Happy management and praise the sun!Under no circumstances should you be in a work environment and be described as gaping. Pat (offscreen): Hey, can I gawk here? Brian (offscreen, laughing): Do you mind if my jaw drops? And that concludes our onboarding seminar. Make sure you celebratedfjoisfjid. (Pat laughs out loud off screen.)
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