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The Perfect PokéRap | Unraveled LIVE at PAX East 2019

Mar 04, 2020
tribute to the original PokéRap. It's that simple. Let's add some educational rap. Know? But this time we will put real education into it. And since this is a gesamtkunstwerk, we can use different types of theater to differentiate the Pokémon. Different disciplines of theater. So, for example, the psychic Pokémon, I will do a contact juggling performance. And for the ghost Pokémon, they will be read in the form of a eulogy, so I hope you brought your tissues. There will be a

live

sand painting of each evolution. Pablo Giamatti is here. I'm going to perform the entire Jigglypuff song... in full costume.
the perfect pok rap unraveled live at pax east 2019
There will be ice sculptures. Fireworks. One of these cups is poisoned! There will also be the Blue Man Group. And they will fight to the death for your entertainment. And if everyone checks under their chairs right now, go ahead and feel free... You won't find ANYTHING there. THERE IS NO PUBLIC PARTICIPATION. And I've been thinking about those Pokémon gods. The legendary, the mythical, the ultra b

east

s. How could I sing about them without diminishing their power? How could he speak of his divine omnipotence? Verbalize His supernatural grace? Capture that dream from the air? That's how it is.
the perfect pok rap unraveled live at pax east 2019

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the perfect pok rap unraveled live at pax east 2019...

INTERPRETATIVE DANCE. You see, there's something in musical theater, it's called dream ballet, and it happens when writers aren't good enough at expressing emotions through words, and so they just make people dance them for them. That's why I hired Nederlands Dans Theater to create a 30-minute movement piece that will encapsulate all 81 Mythical, Legendary, and Ultra B

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Pokémon. Leaving us with the most

perfect

song ever written, lasting approximately four hours and 30 minutes. Which, of course, is a little longer than the eight and a half minutes I had originally planned. But here's the thing. Every one of those seconds is ethereal, it's wonderful, it's... ah, we don't have enough time to finish this.
the perfect pok rap unraveled live at pax east 2019
Oh God. If I don't finish this before the panel time ends, then... the enforcers will kneed my vital organs. Look, I know it's not your fault, you've done a great job today, I really appreciate it, and I can't, you know... great job. What is your name? *The enforcer says "Matt"* Matt? Matt, right? ANOTHER TEST. THERE IS NO PUBLIC PARTICIPATION, MATT. But what does it matter? Know? I've already lost everything. I can't do everything. It's kind of like... when I handed Terry over to Kevin Punt. Just so I could finish my PokéRap. I was so blinded by the glory of success that I gave up everything that was important to me in the process.
the perfect pok rap unraveled live at pax east 2019
In this case, it is my life. But I can't give up, we can reduce it. We'll cut out the whole contact juggling act. Did you know? Actually, we're going to have to put all types of Pokémon together. I know I said I wouldn't do that. We'll have to cut out some names. I guess we'll do a condensed dream ballet, which means the Nederlands Dans Theater can GO HOME NOW. Okay, they're fine. And that would leave us about eight and a half minutes? Which is still... still doable. But I'd have to cut... I'd have to cut like 400 Pokémon names to be able to do that.
And the contract specifically says that I need to say all 812 or I'll die. It's like... There's no physical way a person can say all those Pokémon names. *sits sadly* *Audience says “Brian, what if we help?”* Audience participation? Oh my god, you're right, one person can't say 400 names, but 300 people can. Alright, that's

perfect

. Let's take the entire right side. I need you to choose some of these names. Well? It is not so difficult. Just choose them at random. Whatever you want to go ahead and say. If you can't read them from behind, make some up, that's fine.
And on the count of three, I need you to shout them out as quickly as possible. Are you ready? 3 2 1… *The right side definitely shouts all the names perfectly.* STOP! Well. Same with you. It's ready now. Well? Just go ahead and choose, again, two or three of them, the ones you want to choose. Different sections. Are you ready? 3 2 1... *The left side also says all the names on the list perfectly.* Stop. Technically, there's a high chance that all of those Pokémon... That's just said. Those names have just been pronounced. And there's no way Matt can verify that it didn't happen!
So we're good! WE CAN DO THIS! Well. During the educational rap section, remember this, educational rap, I'm going to call the right side and then I'm going to call the left side and you're going to have to shout them out, okay? I understand? But can we... can we really consider that this abbreviated version is still perfect? Yes Yes we can. I was thinking about that younger version of myself that was... I was so excited to complete his Pokédex and yet it was so empty without the Terry of him. Kevin Punt might have given me the last Pokémon, but he took my world away from me.
My "perfect" Pokédex wasn't perfect. Do you know what was perfect? My diverse Pokémon team led by the tireless Terry the Tangela. That was perfect. And in the same way, this PokéRap is perfect for the ones we have kept. Well? The original PokéRap taught us the wrong lesson. Not that we should catch them all. It's that we must love those we catch. But again, I still need you to shout out those Pokémon names, because if you don't, Matt will murder me! Are we ready to do this? *applause* Okay. Well. One second before entering.
I, um... I was originally planning to complete this, ending in Arceus, the highest of the Pokémon gods. I don't think that's right anymore. I think I should include a little memory of my favorite boy. Because if I can't have Terry back in my life, the least I can do is immortalize him in song. So Terry... This one's for you. I want to be the best (best, best, best). Be the best (the best, the best). Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle. Caterpie, Butterfree, Wurmple. Scorbunny, Sobble and Grookey. Lickitung and Lickilicky. Haxorus, Cofagrigus. Polyira, Mismagius. Fraxure, Crabrawler, Dewpider. Shellder, Cloyster, Haunter, Grimer.
Golurk, Luxio. Swampert, Lilligant, Tynamo. Seismitoad, Politoed, Palipitoad, Seel. Parasect, Trevenant, Toxapex, Spheal. Mandibuzz, Scatterbug, Graveler, Pelipper. Elgyem, Pikipek, Clawitzer, Conkeldurr. Probopass, Scolipede, Delibird, Ursaring. Blaziken, Fennekin, Quilladin, Nidoking. SKRELP. Alakazam, Patrat. Woobat, Swoobat, Crobat. Golbat, Zubat. Poochyena, Carracosta. Teddiursa, Umbreon. Alomomola, Chikorita. Gothorite, Drudigon. Snorunt, Tyrunt, Charjabug. Ninjask, Yamask, Avalugg. Finneon, Drapion, Jolteon, Sylveon. Glaceon, Espeon, Jigglypuff. Igglybuff, Wigglytuff. Dhelmise, Servine, Rockruff. Porygon, Porygon Z. Porygon2, Rimbombee. Skuntank, Klang, Klinklang. Miltank and Metang. Luxray. Pidgey, Hitmonlee. Skitty, happy. Mud ray. Lotad, Durant, Serperior. Gourgeist, Stoutland, Exeggutor. Abra, Seadra, Nidorina. Dewott, Chesnaught, Primarina. Omanyte, Dragonite, Charizard. Magnemite, Meditite, Dusknoir. Ivysaur, Venusaur, Minior, Garbodor.
Ariados, Tyranitar. Glameow, Meowth, Exploud. Wobbuffet, Furret, Bellsprout. Starmie, Starly, Frogadier. Delcatty, Escavalier. Venonat, Poliwag, Hippopotas. Spinarak, Marowak, Jumpluff, Feebas. Foongus, Amoongus and Pidgeotto. Weepinbell, Victreebel, Hakamo-o. Aurora, Aromatisse. Medicham, Mamoswine, Slurpuff, Flabébé. Feraligatr, Eevee. Stealth, Elekid, Anorith, Inkay. (Gotta catch them all) Rowlet, Golett, Honedge, Archen, Croconaw. (Gotta catch them all) Sentret, Pignite, Bergmite, Mantyke, Kakuna. Sudowoodo, Wishiwashi. Popplio, Abomasnow. Charmeleon, Darumaka. Hariyama, Sharpedo. Whiscash, Raticate, Sableye. Sandslash, Kricketune, Cutiefly. Beautifully, Togepi, Volcarona. Magnezone, Lunatone, Roggenrola. Samurott, Oshawott, Whimsicott, Kangaskhan. Larvitar, Pupitar, Omastar, Kecleon. Togekiss, Simisage, Nidoqueen, Cottonee. Forretress, Salamence, Jellicent, Bunnelby. Pilosvino. Carnivine. Illumise and Remoraid. I think we're done with triplet rap.
So now let's rap to educate. Alright. Here we go! Are you ready friends? Come on! Let's learn something about Pokémon! There is Persian and Mudsdale, Donphan and Huntail. Sandygast, Nosepass, Frosslass, Lapras! I love saying Pokémon, but here's the kicker: saying them all sounds a little Farfetch! Let me ask a question. You want to help me? It's Throh time with more names! Come on, give me a shout! *The right side screams 200 names perfectly* Those Pokémon are Tentacool! *The left side also shouts all the names that need shouting* And those Pokémon are trash! Combee my friend, I have more to say.
And if we dig deeper into Diglett-le, we can learn today! So why not buy Comfey? Don't be crabby or blue! Here are some lessons and I make Rotom for you. If you do Muk in class, you will be distressed! Don't give us the Bidoof, just study hard! If you're slacking at school, you'll drop out sooner! And abstinence is the key, or will you get a Mime Jr. Swanna to take some candy for a sweet treat? The delicious Amaura snack is the one that Pichu can eat! Beware of strange Shiftrys offering you hugs. Do not insert hairpins into Eelectrik sockets.
Wear a Shelmet when riding a Rhydon bike. Keep a Bagon well stocked for extra long hikes! Make sure you stay away from that Ferroseed. And that's just a name people give to marijuana! There are Pansage, Slowbro, Oddish and Bonsly. Tropius, Seedot, Nuzleaf and Stunky! And Blissey, Loudred, Dewgong and Goodra. Bounsweet, Bayleef, Hypno and Munna! You'll be Drowzee if you swallow that Tangrowth smoke. Also Koffing and Weezing, hey you could be Machoke! So if someone says, "Hey, do you want a wet Lombre?" Look them in the eyes, Dedenne, and say NO WAY! I'm telling you Natu does drugs, but if someone smokes Treecko, does that make them a bad person?
Definitely not! What I don't mean by Carr-Yanma in this verse is that alienating drug users makes things worse! Don't lock someone up if he takes a Hitmonchan. And criminalizing addicts is a really bad plan. Big Pharma is the root of our country's opioid addiction problem. Golem. Gastly, Horsea, Chansey, Burmy. Clefairy, Mankey, Klefki, Goomy. Hello! Rapping is hard, let me catch my breath. We might as well check how many we have left! There are less than 150 left. Can I really do this? I used to have this dream. When I was a kid. It would make PokéRap listenable.
And everyone called me reckless and wild. But I never gave up. I kept doing it every day! And with Pikachu by my side and my dex to guide me, I knew there would be a way. To ignore all the naysayers, you would need a thicker skin than Metapod. Wynaut steps out of my comfort zone and jumps into the Unown. Maybe one day everyone will applaud. It's definitely worth the risk. Plus, I make some friends while I'm trying. Looking for how to be strong like a Raichu song. I still don't know where to put Mr. Mime though.
But who cares if I can't find a good place to put Togedemaru, Pyukumuku, Mawile, Sceptile, Weavile, Sandile, Helioptile, Leafeon, Gengar, Malamar, Marshtomp, Chatot, Simipour, Ferrothorn, Toxicroak, Minccino, Cinccino, Azumarill , Tranquill, Excadrill, Marill, Beedrill. And Togetic, Basculin, Gigalith, Crabominable, Kingdra, Ambipom, Gastrodon, Bastiodon, Hippowdon, Vivillon, Bisharp, Liepard, Dunsparce, Aipom, Slakoth, Ralts, Dustox. I still found a way to put them in there! The Scizor does not care about the scope of the task. You don't need a ride on Magikarp-et. I am Machamp-ion, hero, Fearow has nothing to do with it. My true power comes from within. And that takes us to the top.
I've said all the names I can say. I will let my body confess the names I cannot express. Yes, it's time for the DREAM BALLET! COME ON! *INTERPRETIVE DANCE* *INTERPRETIVE DANCE WITH A FRIEND* But there is a Pokémon, my holy grail. That I gave to Kevin Punt, I hope that bastard is in jail. Because of all the Tangelas, Terry is the apex. And I handed it over for my 'dex. When you love Terry so much and then Terry leaves. What's the point of having all the other Pokémon? There is a wound in my heart that I can't get rid of! *silent sobs* How can I find joy...without my tangled boy?
Why catch them all if you can't keep the ones you love? Terry! Oh Terry… *desperate dance* Thank you all so much for coming! You have been an incredible audience. Thank you. Give it up for Pat Gill here! It's good. Thank you thank you thank you.

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