Bike locks should be illegal. Kellen Erskine - Full Special

all of us here are just an Amazon click away from buying orange cones and making traffic go where we want no one else it's not stealing putting an extra lock on a stranger's

bike

it's crazy that

bike

locks

are legal they just are available to the public, do you have any idea how much power you wield with your imagination in a bike lock, there are so many things like you can walk past Baskin Robbins and feel like you're locked, it's so arbitrary that we need permission to buy and What we don't have is showing a photo ID and a hobby store to buy paint, but all of us here are just an Amazon click away from buying orange cones and getting traffic going where we want.

I don't like buying milk, right? You'll sell any other product that way, you could have a bag of marshmallows on the shelf, all the other marshmallows don't come to you, they milk the heaviest item in the store, sell it on a ramp pointing at your face and take out a gallon of seven. others go all at once it's 2% you wanted fat free but now you can't put it back in I discovered that if you push those other milks hard enough they disappear. I started jogging. I mentioned it to a friend of mine who does it a lot and he said: I need to shave your legs so you can go faster, this guy has a beard.

I said no, I don't need it, you know, I'm fine with my resistance exercise videos, Persistent, he's like no man, listen, I've been riding a bike. I worked for years and started shaving my legs every day. I shaved two minutes off the commute, but how long does it take you to shave now? I can shave your legs faster if you shave your arms. In this online article I found all these amazing things. facts about the human body and one of them said that the skin of the average human being our skin is so sensitive that we can feel the weight of a bee's wing which is one ten thousandth of an ounce, that is true, I am down after having traveled a day without realizing it I had another pair of my underwear in the leg of my pants I was looking at a map of the United States and I know that we were colonized from east to west right Tula but it seems that it was the other way around It seems that the founding fathers approached a guy and they had an outline of the future country on a piece of paper and they gave it to him in a pen and they said listen, we need you to divide this into 50 sections, start on the left side and he was like, oh yeah, there's a lot of room yeah You don't understand that you

should

n't be allowed to vote.

I live in Burbank, California. I have a landline that comes with the small house I rent and I plug it into my neighbor across the street. Yards, this guy is nosy, some of us have that neighbor, he very casually included this in the conversation, he said: Hi Kelan, the other day I heard part of a conversation from your cordless phone through my baby monitor, now it's something real that I did. I don't know, I didn't know how to respond either. He's just smiling like a weirdo, so I said, "I don't really have a cordless phone. Oh, but every once in a while I stand in your baby's room and talk to him.

That's probably what every other stuff". No, it's okay, no, I'm not a creep. I have two sons. I want to have three. That is the perfect number. you have a fourth child you have to buy another photo that costs like 30 dollars just for a snapshot of your little one straddling a russian couple I don't want that on my shelf does this ever happen to you when you're at home and your phone is about to die, so you plug it in while talking just her and me, the rest you've done, just ignore the next job I did.

I always forget that the court is only 11 inches long, so for the next half hour I end up kneeling next to a dresser just wanting to know who designed that court. I imagine a couple of scientists in the Verizon lab and one of them says, hey, why don't we make it long enough so they can sit on the couch and their supervisors say? that's ridiculous so they didn't do it before bed it's their fault don't worry though make this other cable extend up to 9 or 10 feet and they can only use it in their cars the most selfish thing a human being can do is leave a cart shopping empty in a parking space, yes, if you've embarrassed yourself, you're telling me that you can wander two and a half miles inside Costco and by the time you reach your vehicle, you're not clocked another step.

I discovered my physical stamina up to this point campus 820 feet help everyone else that's all I don't even care you guys can also try this every time I'm inside a grocery store I take someone else's cart they fill it with food take it it's a lot faster and you can try new things, do it, it's not bad, tell me what's wrong, that's not stealing, what could they say, but I tell you, excuse me, I gathered that I only say things that the NICU puts together again, you know the route to health. grocery stores I never buy anything from that keg aisle, it's okay I just don't like how accessible it is, like bare hands or air, this is what I do, although I go to the most expensive granola and put it in the cheaper.

I'm the Robin Hood of Whole Foods, he didn't clap enough for me to get a drink, so what did you guys do for Valentine's Day sushi? Okay, that's cool food poisoning, what else did they study? Oh, it's the saddest thing. You could say that you know that no one else is going to respond because we are going to feel bad because they had plans for something, a date with your children. Wow, let's dig into this. She says: where are the brakes on this joke? Oh, no, no, I could say anything. I have this boy. I did something happy.

I'm sorry. It's a gender twist on this whole show. Let's discuss this. Let's celebrate the difference. Notice how no one applauds. It's a great transition to what I had prepared. I went to a restaurant. My wife wrote a song for my life. and then I say, oh, and this is what I did and you say, don't stop, next holiday, last Christmas was stolen from me, do something with it, the comedy obstacle course, well, this is what I do, now I understand this won't be for everyone I think from now on I'll be the one doing the talking the rest of my set it's just me talking about it not even doing Joe Pikul I heard my wife one of those edible arrangements haeseong fruit bouquets exactly it's great it's something good good I want to participate in that business model because I paid $70 and I didn't even think twice about it.

I thought that sounds good, it's not good, your profit margin is probably amazing, it's a piece of fruit, what are your overheads? How

should

a product cost so much? like the materials plus the skill needed to assemble them correctly for $70, you could buy a printer, which makes sense. I don't know how to get a printer to fruition, on the other hand, after a quick analysis, it's pretty easy to reverse engineer that hair thing. It was maybe like altogether half a pineapple cut into a heart shape on sticks so I gave my wife $70. My wife loves fruits next year seventy dollars.

I'll only give you like 40 pineapples. I want to be rich. I want to be so rich. so I could like it any time I wanted, I could buy all the tickets to a Maroon 5 concert and go alone and boo after each one, I sat front and center so when they came out they said, I guess there's a mistake and I was like: now this is happening there's a sold out show Adam a jump on stage let's do this maroon because this is Utah how many of you drove to the border to get lottery tickets when that Powerball went over a billion?

Yes I bought a ticket, I have never bought a lottery ticket in my life it wasn't just me, there were thousands of first time lottery ticket buyers, it was on the news, people lined up for hours which is crazy in Hindsight because that means even when that jackpot was 975 million I was like man what is that after taxes? It's crazier than that, although the Powerball odds are 1 in 300 million, one in 300 million to paint a picture of that, in the entire Western Hemisphere, from Canada to Chile, there are 900 million people, which on average It equates to about 300 million households, so what if this is how the game was played?

You go in to buy your ticket, there is a man in a suit who explains the game to you. Hello, welcome to Powerball, this is how it works. I have placed a billion dollars in a box. We have now hidden this box in a random room somewhere on the American continent. Now here's the fun part. You give us two dollars. You have one chance to guess that address. My favorite game when I was a kid was battleship, you guys remember loving it until I found out they could have just called it letter numbers because there's no wartime strategy and well, it's toy bingo.

Figured that if that naval battle scenario ever happened, general report to as many as me. Well, listen, here's a situation: there are five enemy ships out there exactly like our five ships. We have no idea where they are, but we have good information that they aren't moving even diagonally, so when you shoot Adam, I guess you're setting fire to it. all in one, let them shoot one, there's a war, we take turns. I went every time we fired a missile. We need to ask him how it went. We played baseball growing up. Did you know that the dimensions of a baseball field are whatever they are?

Is completely true. Every major league baseball field is different, the infield is always the same, 90 feet to each base, but the outfield fence is just made up. This is 100% hitting a home run at Fenway Park. The Boston Red Sox have to hit that ball. Three hundred and two feet Houston Astros on the other hand Minute Maid Park have to hit the ball 436 feet that's a 45 percent difference and no one talks about it like maybe there's a reason the Red Sox have been to 13 Series World Cup and the Astros get swept in one, it's like, guys, there's no rule, move the fence, make it easier for yourself, a 45% difference.

You imagine if any other sport decided to start doing that, there would be an uproar, see, that excited NBA coach. Good news guys are playing in Chicago this week the tires are only five and a half feet tall so a Tesla can park itself which is neat however my Nissan has this feature where it will beep loudly to Let me know if my purchases are finished. They buckled up and I'm very excited about self-driving cars. Anyone else, I'm very few people, right? Other people are afraid, no, it will be great, don't be afraid, ask yourself this, have you ever walked into a grocery store? store and had those doors like paint, you're never okay, so imagine automation technology improved by a factor of a million, that's what they're putting in the cars, everything will be fine, you still don't believe me, would you rather there were two types? inside every grocery store you just slide those doors manually when your family walks in one of the guys is texting the other one is high that's what you want because when you drive that's what's happening around you constantly , they are usually older people, like much older people, who are skeptical of the idea of ​​a computer driving their car, this is what I mean if you are 70-75 or older and you are afraid of a computer driving your car , this is what I want you to do, go to WebMD or you can do it.

List your symptoms, just go ahead and apply every part of your body that hurts or is immobile with the pain relievers you maybe take every day. I think you might find that the computer is skeptical about you driving a car the last time my car was. Dirty, my friend did the obvious things, they crawled, washed me in the back window, so I want it on the side of his car with a key and wrote, touch me up. I had to renew my license recently in California every ten years or so, you have to make the trip to the DMV and retake the photo, right?

I always hate it three years ago and wish I looked this good, but how about that Costco ID membership photo? that walking dead version of my face Costco is a billion dollar industry they can only afford one camera with like seven pixels that's the only thing that doesn't come in large quantities we have better cameras they sell in the store could you just grab a write up I turn it off and I use it forever, but they don't know it. Nobody looks at that photo. It doesn't matter. I log in and log in my library card.

Do not care. First of all, it's a dumb idea. I'm afraid that someone will sneak in and buy things. He's recently mowing my lawn. I noticed that every lawnmower has a throttle, but the speeds are not labeled with the words high or low. Does anyone know what it has? Instead, a turtle and a rabbit, my boy was. ready, that was really fast, that guy has been going to comedy shows every weekend for about 10 years, they finally asked questions tothe lawnmower and it just left, but it's true, there's a turtle and a rabbit, which is crazy because that means at the lawnmower factory.

They say yes, we don't care if you can read this as long as you know your fables. I'm disappointed at the lack of originality when it comes to naming high school football teams, e

special

ly when it comes to animals, there are a billion of them. species on this planet only nine are used for all sports. I can try it right now. Go ahead and cheer if your high school football team was the Missiny Eagles here, how about the bears? Well, he puts up with what that guy thinks high school matters. What about the lions who have lions here?

A couple of cowardly lions in the back. How about wild cats? Yeah, that's not even a thing. It's a lazy meeting. What's it gonna be? I don't know a species of wild cat. Yes, that's a postponed meeting. I always like it. ask so anyone here comes from a high school that had a unique team name so nothing has ever been used unlike professional sports NFL and being a baseball just go ahead and yeah just don't tell me , just encourage, what is that? The Buckaroos, all cheering, sounds like a condescending parent, there you go, Buckaroo, even when you win.

I can't feel good, good job, Buckaroo, what are those? all the darts the darts oh okay the pointy ones I thought you were referring to the car that will be weirder the darts the darts okay just a second more stuff we're still talking about darts what city are you from in our state was that kids Ville? Utah, okay, okay, it's not something that's number one on TripAdvisor for Kaysville. Do you have the best darts in Kaysville? Is that it? No, no, the pointed ones, what else do we have? What's that beat digger coming from the cheap seats? on the balcony, of course, Sallie earned our way here, where are you from, that you dig beans, what's that high school Jordan, okay, that's here, this goes all over the world, so people won't know , as Jordan says, just some.

Jordan likes beets around here someone raised their hand politely what was yours with russets? Okay, another guy just yelled it out. He says that's not interesting, listen to mine. Well, what's good? Okay, okay, russets, our potatoes. Okay, let Wikipedia interrupt you. Yeah, normally when you have a cup that was like offstage, but you guys like it, there's some useful information here, okay, hey, what else are cavemen? Okay, cool, where are you from American Fork? Okay, I don't know anything about that, okay, man. What else does Donn end up for? I feel like everyone here knows something about me.

I don't understand all these utensils. The cities that criminals are from Spanish Forktail. I just guess I'm glad it made sense to you. Anyone else who isn't from here? let's hear a couple of what that is about the Patriots, cool, you're not listening to my question, this Chicago fork right there, the syrup makers, the rest of you, shut up for a second, he's trying to help me, here's from Georgia, of course, I love syrup. from Georgia, it's a matter of that, I know you're going to say, obviously, I'm from Canada, super dude, she's like russets, yeah, uh, I'm from Saudi Arabia, obviously, so the syrup makers are fine, so What was your pet like?

Boring boy, if I could name my school team and be the chameleon, then wouldn't that be cool? Every game is dressing up as the other team. They have acupuncture as a pet. I would love to go to a pet acupuncturist with a porcupine just for that walk. back to waiting or like I don't know what they did to my cat this is the last time I use a Groupon my favorite animal is a penguin I just feel bad about that penguins are the reason I don't

full

y believe in the theory of evolution, the next evolution says that an animal dies or adapts comfortably to its environment.

I just don't think they belong in Antarctica. They seem cold. I'm going to the Los Angeles Zoo. They don't keep them in the freezer. They are on cement and they are fine. All other animals at the South Pole have at least 15 inches of fat or hair to keep them warm. Have you ever seen a penguin walk? They walk the same way you would if you were wearing cold, wet pants. completely true, every year in Antarctica penguins walk 80 miles round trip in search of food, if you believe Morgan Freeman, this is where evolution becomes suspect, if these poor animals have been walking 80 miles every year for the last 10 million years, why don't they have knees yet?

Their wings haven't worked for some reason. Can they at least get some flexible legs? your resume does that thing where they slide face down into the ocean they never intended to do that's a trip or they say, well, I can. I don't get up, I guess I'll learn to swim. I am a bird. My friend is telling me about that movie. The returnee I have not seen. Maybe I just didn't agree with his reason for encouraging me to watch the movie. movie, you have to see it Leonardo DiCaprio finally won the Oscar for that movie and it's good that he won the Oscar because he worked very hard on that movie and that's where I disagree, my friends, that it's good that they won that Oscar because he worked so hard on that movie that they filmed it for nine months in the blistering cold of Canada.

He himself walked through those rivers. He lost 35 pounds during those nine months. It's not that surprising and I said if you think that's incredible you seriously underestimate what he would do for twenty million dollars there isn't a person in this room who wouldn't do everything he did for that amount of money I if he acted right I give him the Oscar for that but not just because he worked for almost a year 20 million dollars lost 35 pounds, I would go down to 35 pounds, okay Mel, my last jokes here. They never got what they deserved and I think it's because comedy is all about timing and my timing is too good, so I make Siri read it. them and that makes them so much better because she's the worst trying trying trying so good I was the first it's always a pleasant surprise when you find an unexpected $10 in a stranger's jacket pocket this is something I've never heard from a rich person I say it all started when I read Rich Dad, Poor Dad, the person who said you had to drink eight to ten glasses of water a day for health forgot that it also forces you to enter five to seven public bathrooms a day.

Best Buy is a great place to try. I take out things that you can then buy cheaper on Amazon maybe the flies would live more than 24 hours if they didn't eat food since California voted against stores giving away plastic bags. I have collected so many shopping baskets from Target. Google turns 18 years old. old this year I can't believe it was only 19 years ago I never researched anything It's my biggest fear that the world will be destroyed and the only humans left are me and all those people who use the Internet in the library the secret to looking younger is Tell people you're old if you want to feel like Superman takes a paintball gun to a laser arena oh you guys have been great I'll leave this one to you.

TVs are getting thinner, but people are getting fat, so everyone is sitting still. at the same distance from the screen there you a lot