Republicans Aren't Real People. Brandon Vestal - Full Special

there's an app in california that tells you if

republicans

live in your neighborhood i'm not a political guy i don't know i can't get in it's just exhausting to me it seems just ugh but i've

real

ized this thing about living in california if you're a republican in california you better keep it to yourself they hate

republicans

they hate nothing more than republicans they meet republicans they're not even

real

people

okay they're like these mythical creatures that are now hiding in the bushes snatch your children and force them to get a job. There's an app in California that tells you if there are Republicans in your neighborhood.

I have seen it. There are small elephant heads in the houses. I feel sorry for the Republicans. It's hard for them. They can do it. Don't make a mistake, I have to hide all the time, they can't say what they want to say, they can't one day be with their friends from California and be like, you know what I believe, life large is a conception like the one you just ended up with. to say. I said I loved paying for other

people

's contraceptives. If you know the history of the Republicans in California, they used to have a great party, it was a proud party and he was a great big party in California and I know for a fact what's left of the Republican. party in california meets secretly in the san fernando valley with old addicts who are too small to stand up and they just rant to each other because that's all they have left, they say, you know what i think, we just turn that down company tax rate a little bit higher so that more companies come back to America, more businesses are started, therefore more people will work, more people will pay taxes and then we will have to maintain the rights of the people who really need them. and you know what else guys, I like black people, well yeah, I like black people too, why do they keep saying that about us?

Like, do you know some black, no, thanks for inviting me to your city, this is a beautiful city, beautiful scenery around here and it's good because your red lights last like 40 minutes, man, there's something to look at, why are they so long? I got here yesterday and I was at a traffic light and I was like, oh this is beautiful, this is crazy, okay, I'm okay, but I just put this away I just stayed on my wrist like the city is like don't look anymore look at it it's beautiful It's good to be here to see you guys I was I had a flight from Tampa to Los Angeles where I lived a couple of days ago and I was Checking in on that flight, you know that they force you to put your suitcase there and weigh it.

That lady at the airline looked up, so your back weighs over 50 pounds and for safety reasons we can't put bags in that exceed 50 pounds. the flight, so I start grabbing the party, but if you give us a hundred more dollars, we'll go ahead and throw it on the plane, because I thought, well, that's great, but how does that solve the security problem that you're in? "I'm very concerned about letting me make this clear. If I give you a hundred more dollars, you'll activate the extra safety features on this plane like I didn't know that's how it worked.

You shouldn't get that kind of information. I'm about to take off, certainly prepare your seat for takeoff I just threw a hundred I thought here's five more Trey stays down all the time a plane type guy that started taking off I'm still so mad you come running, I said, so I need to put your phone away. Your phone signal may interfere with the tables and that could be because I just threw away my credit cards. Don't talk to me anymore. Everyone has Wi-Fi. , everyone, I paid more for the security package, everything is fine, everything is fine, I recently received TSA pre-check, yes it went right to my head, now I go to the airport and just walk in front of eyes without control who looks at you spinning around all without control you need to control yourself a guy who got very angry with me and then it turns out that we were on the same flight and we were boarding, he put the board in front of me, he walked past me. and write my face, he said group one, act like you've been there before, man, the flight from Tampa to Los Angeles was called flight 10, that's what it was called flight 10.

I didn't feel very comfortable flying across the country in flight. 10. Every flight I've been on has been a strong four-digit number. Flight 1455. They check both engines before the flight takes off. Flight 10. That sounds like a test. It sounds like there are just some guys in the room trying some things. I know and it hasn't gone well it's like they're in a room like guys flight nine was a disaster you really need the wheels you need the wheels you need them you don't need them for the flying part but you definitely need them for the landing part , so I was right.

Does anyone have any ideas for flight 10? Who is spinning it? Who has an idea for the tail of the flight? I have a, what's a six-hour non-stop flight? Well, how about we put a quarter tank of The ethanol fuel in it doesn't play anything on the speakers except Barack Obama's speeches and see how far Flight 10 can go on corn juice and I hope it's the flight 10. Who cares? This is Spirit Airlines flight 10. We're going to lose like two taxpayers, let's try. Some things, let's find out. If something had happened to me, it had never happened before.

I had a flight from Los Angeles to Charlotte and had a layover in Baltimore. The plane landed, got within 20 yards of the gate and the plane stopped and the pilot got in. It's like Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be here for a while. We can't just fly this plane to the gate. We have to tow this model of airplane. Did you ever hear that was driving me? What do you mean he had the plane? He kept coming, we waited like 40 minutes for this Toyota show and he kept talking like no, he says sorry, this model plane, this model plane needs to tell us how you mean the model plane that just took off from Los Angeles, california, used two huge engines to reach 30,000 feet and then soared from sea to shining sea like a proud American bald eagle used his sleek gadgets and onboard devices to locate a strip of concrete in baltimore, maryland, landed safely on that concrete he came within 20 yards of the gate and all of a sudden that same plane is like it's sold out right now, America is a big man and then the toe appeared that was the size of a golf cart, It wasn't small, it's big.

The plane weighed about 20 feet and then it had golf clubs in the back. I don't like turbulence, that scares me. I don't understand how the plane doesn't crash and get hit like that. Do you think he would be used to it? but I'm not, it was like the worst flight I was on was almost two and a half years ago I think, and I thought that thing was going to happen for sure, I thought I have to do something to distract myself or I'm going to cause an incident on this flight, so I thought, "I'll put my headphones on and watch whatever's on TV to distract me and make me feel better.

What they had on TV that night was a first." presidential debate of the 2016 elections, that's what it was and I watched it all and after that I have to tell you that I was totally fine with the plane crash. I was so good with it. I thought, hey, I tried to make it happen. Hey, one is going to win, let's take it down now. I don't want to go down again. How fast can it go down? Because that's how quickly we should do it. A nation so divided. No, I don't know how to fix it. it's scary you know and I know the 2020 election is starting so that will probably bring us together again. you hear growing up, I'm sure you heard it, everyone hears it, e

special

ly lately, you listen, you have to express yourself, you have to always express yourself.

Be confident enough to express yourself, the world would be a much better place if everyone could express themselves well, we have been on social media for about 10 years now and everyone can express themselves, what do you think? Oh yeah, what is that? How interesting would it be if You could tell our founding fathers about Twitter if you could break that tool and then blow them away, everyone can say whatever they want at any time, yeah, yeah, well, we're going to take away that first amendment, we're not going to let bring her back. Don't print anything, get everyone back, we have to have another meeting because when they gave us the freedom of speech that we had when everyone lived on farms, you need to know, yeah, say what you want, no one will listen to you, who cares, if you want talk. a blow to george washington, you had to get in a buggy and it took you like three months to go 20 miles, half your family was going to die of smallpox on the way, man, it would blow their minds, they'd probably say well, people talk .

Are educated people right? Obviously these are people who know what they are talking about. No, not at all, how does the president participate in these things. I saw this day trading for these potato chips. Nowhere in the commercial do they tell you how good the fries taste as a whole. The commercial was to tell you that the bag is now easier to open. That's the only thing they talked about in the entire commercial. That the bag is easier to open than before. about it because I'm telling you right now open a bag of chips that's nothing to me every time I want chips I'm like what's the next life going to be?

I've been driving people crazy my whole life and I don't even realize it every time I do it. I've been at a picnic and I open my bag of chips. People at other picnics are probably like I'm some skinny kid that they never bothered me with. I always wondered why they probably saw me open a bag of chips like the first big first day of school. Mess with that kid. You see what he did. That kid keeps his Air Jordan. The commercials are ridiculous, they make things much more glamorous and they shouldn't say: I don't know if you realize this, but tequila is trying to convince everyone that tequila.

It's smooth now every commercial I see on the signs it goes down gently it's so smooth I heard that enough I thought wow they should have fixed it I tried some they haven't done anything to it you guys it's the same horrible drink as always. You shouldn't be able to tell people that tequila is the least smooth drink you can drink, that's why there are so many distractions, people don't just take a shot of tequila like everyone else does, no, you have to do all this. Things you have to lick this and suck that What are you trying to hide from Kale?

What are you doing? Every tequila commercial starts exactly the same. They have a cool actor who drinks some tequila at the beginning of the commercial and then bland things happen. For the rest of the commercial, what they're implying is that soft things happen after drinking to kill. Nothing soft has ever happened to anyone after they came out. There has never been a person who was drinking tequila one night and woke up the next morning and couldn't remember anything, so they called their friends and asked them what happened and asked them to describe their behavior the night before as mild.

That's Denver, no one ever liked what happened, man, I don't remember. nothing last night what happened like oh my god, I've never seen you like that before huh, you were so slow, you were so eloquent, you were so respectful to all the young girls, man, you peed in all the legal places to pee, I've never seen you. Do that sober, that was an awesome evening my friend, wearing three thousand dollar suits to drink tequila in those commercials, you don't wear a three thousand dollar suit, if you know you're going to drink to support yourself, you should wear something a little more practical . for that occasion I don't know what that plastic would probably be best I think all tequila should come with the 99 cent gas station poncho I think it's a good idea I think it's a good business idea actually there is a business I tried to start in California, but I can't find any Republicans to help me start my business.

The other day I was watching this young woman being interviewed on television on a show and she was being interviewed because she came up with this machine. A 24-year-old girl approached this machine and what she did was filter dirty water and convert it into drinking water quickly and economically. It looked like a little plastic box and they sent these things all over the world, to these poor countries, and they said because their invention saved thousands of lives and they said how did you come up with this idea and she says oh is this on my couch dreaming I woke up and it occurred to me that it's incredible that she could have thought of something like that only in her? couch because that made me feel terrible because the other day I was on my couch and for two hours I thought about how many people would have to die before I was the best basketball player in the world.

I thought seriously for two hours about At the end of the two hours I came to the conclusion that, you know, it would be very much like there would be so many people dead at that point that you know it wouldn't even be fun to be the best basketball player in the world because Noah would care, you know? of the tragedy, I mean, no one would care, hey, you guys want to have a game and I know, Brandon, we're trying to rebuild, maybe we should take a shovel and help us with this rebuild. I'm sorry, I do not know. anything about shovels or construction, butLet me know if you need help getting cubes because I'm the best, I'm the best left.

I know I'm not supposed to hate large groups of people at the same time. I know you don't really look favorably on that, but I do, they are here in your city, I saw them, they are everywhere, they are called pedestrians, why no matter where you are, you are trying to get to the intersection and you have to Put a guy across the street in front of your car who looks like he just landed. I think you should be able to hit three pedestrians a year no questions asked, you can only do that with your citizenship, it's an advantage, maybe it's a bit harsh, it's difficult maybe you could just push yourself with your car or you can change your three pushes for a hit at

full

speed, that's what I would do, I would say before

full

speed and I'll tell you exactly who I would do it to.

Punch I saw this guy today here is this guy I want to punch that guy so badly and for no other reason than to show him that he's not a Jedi, he was a movie nerd, now he's crossing the street, sure of how much power my car has. You little idiot, I hate you. I got a text from my best friend in Los Angeles. Today he is proposing to his girlfriend next weekend, so I have five days to prevent that from happening. She stinks. I can't stand this woman. She is. We've only been together a year and he's going to propose this, ugh, she's so annoying, she's just who she is.

I met her a year ago, he brought her to this place where we were hanging out and she's my friend's new girlfriend trying to make her feel welcome, you know, so we're talking and somehow we start talking about Europe and she tells him I said I'd never been to Europe and you thought I just slapped her in the face, ran out of the bar or something, she was so upset. that i have never been in years like you have never been to europe what do you mean you have never been to europe you have never been to europe you have never been seriously right now you have never been to europe luke did it You know Brandon has never been in Europe Have you never reached your How old are you?

How have you come this far in your life? It's like look lady, it was easy. I just didn't go to Europe. It's the easiest. what I've done in my entire life I didn't know I was doing it until we had this conversation that's how good I am at it look this doesn't work you see what I just did just like the last basketball season we were watching the first end during playoff week at her house and she came in and said, are you guys going to watch basketball all day? This is what she did, she put her hand on her stomach, guys, that's disgusting, that's disgusting, that's the word she used to use. describe us watching basketball she doesn't know what the words mean there was nothing unpleasant about us watching basketball we weren't rubbing mayonnaise on each other while watching basketball we were like oh get it Lebron get it oh yeah this is cool I love it. basketball this is great if that's what we're doing I'll say you're right I'm glad you showed up there has to be a better way you're right you save me a lot of money on mayonnaise it's a lot of games I live in California I like living in California it's okay it's a scam, although i mean it falls apart if it rains for more than 10 minutes half the road dissolves it's probably some kind of california roads, not real concrete, they're like avocados and almonds, i think it's good for the planet you know, we don't want, not for the roads, so many taxes, just taxes, taxes, they want to tax us for how many, how many miles we drive in our own cars, that's what could happen, my environmental friend is like that.

Great, just to save the environment, you can text me. It's going to save the environment like they won't talk when they can't have plants or a garden because of taxes on photosynthesis and they're not going to tax plants at all. charging you for every synthesis we have, uh, legal marijuana in California, that's a big deal, I didn't expect that, I didn't expect that at all here, but that's great, it's your last day living here, but you already knew the night that passed. I was with a friend of mine having dinner at a restaurant and he came across the TV they had and he walked by and he stood up in the restaurant and said, "This is finally it man, I'm going to smoke my marijuana wherever I want whenever I want and I thought." marijuana was illegal, well they should have made a TV commercial, spread the word because I don't think anyone knew that everyone is high in California.

You might think what I'm about to prove is hype or outright live, but it was true about four years ago. A tall police officer stopped me, he was high, he came to my door and said: Excuse me sir, do you know why I stopped you? I'm not like any officer. Don't know. I was a little worried about myself. It's like when I'll stop you here. You seem a little suspicious, so I think I need to check your car for snacks. It's like I don't have snacks in my car. Sir, this is a power invested in me by the state of California.

I demand that you take me to buy some snacks. I said, "Well, can we take your car?" He said: Yes. I said: "I can drive very fast." I'm on the highway toward the siren and he said, "Why wouldn't we do that." We did it, it's my favorite day in Los Angeles, I'll never forget it. Today I bought my gun and my friend was moving into a new condo there in Los Angeles. We lived there for about four hours, a little bit, about four hours, and this lady came. she knocking on the door and as soon as the doors open they start yelling at me no, hello, no introduction, nothing, there will be an overdose soon.

I live right below you guys and I can hear you walking around and I'm about to lose my mind like I'm sorry but unfortunately. that's the only way I know to get from a room to literally anywhere else I go in my life. I mean, that's how I was taught. I'm from a small town in Oklahoma. In Oklahoma, we say, "Hey, let's go to the kitchen." I'll get a snack, use my legs again and then we'll get up and walk over there, we're supposed to fish your way, just come a couple days later, come down the door, same thing bro, it's me from below again and I can hear your dog. running and I was about to do it, I was like, look lady, I have bad news for you, you're going to hate living here, you're going to hate being here because knowing this apartment knows how to float, none of us know how to float and if we didn't know how to float, come on to learn this terrible condo because my amazing floating family and I would be traveling the country making millions of dollars right now, you don't know who I would be if I moved there because Being on TV every time I'm in your city, coming to see Brandon Vest in his amazing floating thumbnail photo and his friend, but you didn't do it because that's not real, so won't you come back down before it ends up on the news again and it won't be to open tabs.

We have a large and beautiful pool in the complex. Beautiful waterfalls. Olympic Games. It's beautiful, but what we don't have is a lifeguard or someone who has attended some kind of class in case something goes wrong. We have life-saving phrases on the wall because everyone knows there is an emergency, you have time to read and learn and apply what you just read and learned to an emergency situation. I don't know how they expect that to happen like Brandon Steve did. he's not breathing what are we going to do bring the wall oh look number one says he shouldn't have been running in the first place he's always in a hurry ah looking ahead he says we're going to put our mouth on his mouth and blow it looks like steve is going to die today I know too much about Steve.

He rests in peace. Try to fix things in the new place. I don't know how I try. I really try. You know how I fix things. I'm blowing them, that's right. I'll blow on it twice and if that doesn't work I'll hit it and if that doesn't work this is broken we have a new one of these that's what I do I worked in video games when I was a kid yeah there's a job Real life makes me an idiot. I was in a car on the 405 that broke down and I don't know what I was thinking.

I started dating this guy. He was trying to show off like he didn't know what it was. I was thinking to stop and open the hood. I look like an idiot. There are cars speeding by at about 90. There is smoke from the engine. He hit me in the face. I'm on the side of the road. Try it now. No no. I don't know official, we're going to have to get the snacks another way. I tell you what, you stay here with the car and give me your gun. I will be back. I get scammed all the time.

Always get rid of it. I belong to a gym. called 24 hour gym, closed at 11. I don't like going to restaurants that I think are ripping us off because they try to get out of things like sushi places, they cook the food, there is loss, don't trust you, my friends know this. about me they call me and they call me the other day they say brady has to go with us tonight we're going to this cool place the theme is japanese barbecue everything is cooked everything is cooked we know how you feel about it so but it's cool, you have to come and I said: "Okay, if everything is cooked, I'll go." Here's the thing about Japanese barbecue.

You sit at a table, there is a grill in the middle of the table, you order what you want, they bring it to you raw. and you cook it yourself, they got us ikea, what really bothered me is how interested my friends were like they had never seen a grill before the circuit was run and I put that chicken on it, it starts sizzling. I'm a Japanese griller. I thought, yes. Guys this part is the best night of my life maybe if we give her more money then let's do the dishes and take out the trash let's do this and my wife had a son we still have him I have the son and I'm supposed to do it.

Be a father now, eh, I know, I don't know how good I'm going to be because I'm addicted to sugar, that's my thing, not drugs, not alcohol, just sugar. I love sugar. I'm trying to quit because I'm trying to be a good example, but it's not going to happen like it did two years ago. I was at the grocery store in the cereal aisle and they had frozen flakes with lucky charm marshmallows. Yes, I started to shake. I'm just now getting my life back. In my opinion, this is my first only child. I have never been around children.

I was the only child, it wasn't a big family, so I learned a lot. I get yelled at for things all the time, like things I don't believe. I should let you know that because I don't think it makes sense when he was seven months old he was on the couch drinking a bottle and my wife came in and said what are you doing? what are you doing to keep it alive? what I was mad about this blue mom, she says I don't want her to have too many bottles because she has too many bottles, she will like the bottle more than the real bottle and then I won't do it. able to hold on to the real thing because he is going to want the plastic bottle.

I was like we had nothing to worry about because no child of mine, don't worry, no child of anyone's, they're not new moms, don't worry. about that it's not even close and if it was you wouldn't be able to keep baby bottles on the shelf every lonely man in america would be stealing all the baby bottles you're terrible what are the hungry kids running around? He's three and a half now and I just don't like him, I mean I love him to death, but I don't like him right now, we're doing the terrible twos and threes, that's a real thing, he's an oh, and we're trying to go to the bathroom. train him and it doesn't go well because when he poops he does it like this and he's been such a jerk lately that I don't think we're going to teach them the right way to do it it's like good luck making friends and getting a girlfriend when you poop like a fountain good luck to you I teach to be ashamed my favorite goal I never forget it yes I have a wife I like her it's okay I like it I don't like everything about her she has short legs I have long legs.

I've been able to walk at a normal speed for about a decade and if I walk at even half normal speed I just stop. I was supposed to be here tonight, but I had to get on the plane. I don't know where she was okay, she's a big girl, if you see, do you ever see me walking with my wife, it looks like one of those sasquatch videos, you know, the good thing about my wife is that we don't fight a lot. Of couples fight a lot, no, we are not like that, but when we do, it can be scary, since she does this.

I think she starts fighting with me about 10 minutes before I enter the room because I always seem to lose my logic. points of these arguments I don't think it's going to appear at the beginning of the show I think I'm going to be late the other day I walk in the front door and I can hear screaming in the back I'm like, oh my God, what's going on, I ran over there, she's yelling at me, I haven't been home all day, then she sees me and goes, "Oh my god, I was like I don't even know why you're mad." about I can't stand this right now, I'm just going to leave, I don't want to continue with this and when I said I was going to leave, the number two demon level came out, she was, so she started walking backwards. and ahead she says oh you're just going to leave, you think you're just going to tag, that doesn't work for me, burns, that doesn't work for you, so that doesn't work for us, you're the one who ruined this, soyou need to do it.

Fix it right now, you're not going anywhere until you fix this because you messed up, fix it. I thought I don't even know why you're angry, so I walked up and thought, "That's my moment." You guys have been fantastic. Thank you so much.