Fred Klett LIVE! | FULL Clean Comedy Special Live at the Riverside Theater | Comedian Fred Klett

position you were in now. Everyone always asks my parents what it was like growing up. 10 children always told this story because they said it summed it up best my dad was sitting at the kitchen table we had recently seen the movie mary poppins my dad is sitting at the kitchen table looking out the window and sees the window go by holding an umbrella my brother jeff and he hit the ground hard and my dad said if it was over there he could understand but then I went through the window carol went through the window and then kyle went through the window and I don't even have an umbrella, my dad came out and looked at us all lying on the ground and said now when you three saw your brother Jeff fail, the umbrella didn't work, why did you still jump?

To which I responded, well, we didn't. I didn't think he did it right, and you know how sometimes parents get too caught up in childish logic because then my dad yelled at Kyle and you didn't even have an umbrella. Two witches, Kyle snapped, yeah, I was able to help them, that was good, that just started, it actually started well. It wasn't like that here you can't hit you can't touch younger brothers or sisters however you can scare scare it's legal the best scare I've ever given in my entire life I gave it to my brother Derek when he was 14 years old.

He was seven years old, I'm very proud of this, very, very proud, extremely proud, every Friday night we would stay up late and watch monster movies. We love monster movies. This particular Friday night, it's after midnight. Everyone else is in bed. Our movies are on and I had a plan. I know the kind of plan that's so good you can't even watch it because you'll laugh and give it away. You know it's going to work and you already feel a little bad about it now that our movie is moving forward. I stay awake throughout the movie and turn off all the lights in the house until it's finally completely dark except for the TV.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. I'm only seven years old. I need help watching a monster movie. I am not a man. tired I went up the stairs as soon as I got up I took off my shoes I sneaked down the stairs I went in the other direction to the kitchen next to the room he's in he doesn't know I'm there my plans work do you ever hear those noises late ? At night, when you were a child, you wondered if anyone was home tonight. I'm making these noises and I'm having fun doing it. No, I'm trying not to laugh because every time I make a noise, this is what I see.

I kept making noises because I'm having fun. I'm hungry after a while. I open the refrigerator door. The light falls on the wall. Derek yells who's there. He panics. He's throwing himself down the hallway. I know I have to catch him. Before he reaches our parents he turns the corner all he can see coming towards him is his big dark object he has two options in mind fight this monster and die or jump out the window he jumped out the window he is lying on our front porch my parents run down the stairs they turn on the lights my other seven brothers are right behind them they look at derek look at me and they walk away man that's a good one okay i grew up i love john wayne movies i watch them all the time i still love them a lot of times i watch a john wayne movie then i find myself walking like that, you know, just walking into that john wayne path and then i started thinking about it, john wayne was lucky to be. a big man because if you speed up his walk, this is what you got, oh come here little horse, you know you mentioned walks, you should mention this guy, a unique walk with blood, will you ever get the chance, pay attention to his hike, right?

He even moves his arms when he walks. I was thinking about this. You know, I thought you know. You see a lot of things in the news all the time. I was thinking about this. I think it would be fun because a lot of times we see things. We didn't think about that, but I was thinking about this. I think it would be fun to be a cult leader, not just any cult, but the leader of a cult. You make a lot of people give up on his life. They follow you. Do what you want. Tell them to believe what you tell them to believe and that you don't have to pay them.

I'm telling you right now. The only reason I'm not a cult leader is because I don't know how to get a cult. If I knew how to get them, if I could, maybe not you guys, but everyone else or the guy at the counter would be out too, but if you think about it, they never share their secrets, you'll never see a cult instruction book. leader how do you get people? Could you just approach someone on the streets of milwaukee? Hey, are you looking for a leader? I know many things. There must be a difficult occupation.

Starts. You know you're at a typical party. small talk, what do you do? Well, I'm a cult leader. Well, where are your people? Oh, I just started. You want a beer, but once you get them, it has to be fun. You will never get bored over low heat. the day you just gather your people and make things up, you talk about having fun, the Heaven's Gate cult, the leader of that cult, you know what he told his people, these were grown people, you know what he told them, These were adult people. You know what he told them, they were adults, he told them, hey, there is a spaceship behind the comet, adults, these people looked at him as if we were lucky that you were our leader, we didn't see anything, you know, I told the adults - People, because even the first graders would have looked at him like shut up, you're just stupid, no, I have to go talk to Santa and he didn't stop her, he kept going, why, because he was having fun, because then he.

I told him that if we all commit suicide we can get on the spaceship and follow the comet to the sky. Wow, even if I had seen this spaceship, I would never have figured out how to get on it. It seems so simple when you know the answer. I did something stupid like wait for the ship to land and the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me that people believed things like that. It bothered me because I used to sell life insurance and no one would believe me. People used to look at me. me and I say things like let me get this straight I pay your company money until it dies and then they pay someone else money why should I buy that.

I would answer that I don't know now. This is an observation. I think women are more. Poetics for men are better at putting their feelings into words and sometimes that creates a problem because we are expected to respond. In fact, I heard this time this woman looked directly at her man and said like that sunrise when the sun rises and fills the world. With light you have also filled my world with love. I love you more than the trees. Are you like me? Do you like to listen secretly? I walk into a restaurant some people sitting at a table where you would like to sit I want to sit next to them because it's fun, e

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ly eavesdropping on women, they talk about good things, fun things, interesting things, look, guys are always the same, Well, you know what play they should have called, shut up, you work at McDonald's, you don't know, women talk about good things, you want to know what he did to me, yeah, of course, when you scream like that they'll know you're eavesdropping, but From my listening I have come to the conclusion that we are starting to worry about too many things in our world, we need to relax a little.

Some of the things we choose to worry about may not be as important as we think and I'll give you an example. In fact, I heard this on Peta radio, the group, not the bread, Peta. for the ethical treatment of animals anders spokesperson on the radio this lady said that they want to ban fishing she said that fishing is cruel because fish have the same central nervous system as people so they feel pain like us and then she continued saying: how would you do it? I would like if you were walking down the street and they impaled your lip and took you out of this environment to a different environment where you couldn't breathe and I started thinking, well that would mean you were a fish because people are too. smart or should we be and if we're not maybe we better leave because if you're walking down the street with your friends and you see some food on a hook walk around it, I think we should be a little suspicious anyway If suddenly, out of nowhere, there is a sandwich floating in front of us, even if you can't see a hook, reach for a cork.

Are you following me a little? Sometimes we worry about too many extra things. We try so hard to worry and we end up worrying in the wrong way. I overheard a couple of guys talking about this 940-pound man. The first guy weighs 940 pounds, that's too bad. The other guy says: Yeah, it almost got to a thousand and then I started thinking. about Peter Lady and if she was right, there really was something out there fishing for humans. Can you imagine her surprise if they caught that guy? Oh, you know, he would be mounted and hanging on a wall, well, there's your big-mouth, pot-bellied human and me.

They caught him in a turkey roulette game They almost kicked me out of the spaceship cult then they put me back in They were worried about too many extra things I was eavesdropping on I heard some people talking about zoos They said they don't like zoos because they're cruel to the animals there isn't enough space it's not their natural environment well you know what I don't agree with, I like watching wildlife shows, have you ever seen wildlife shows, have you ever seen a group of lions take down to a zebra, you know, people say, oh, nature is beautiful, shut up. nature is ruthless, it's cruel, it's not like Disney wants us to believe that animals don't meet in the forest and sing and dance, it's not a musical, the zebra isn't standing there with a bunch of lions on top thinking, wow , it sure is nice to be contributing to the circle of lies it's hard to watch lions jump on a zebra one grabs it by the neck the others bite it in places that aren't nice to bite until it falls and then they hang on to its throat until he suffocates meanwhile the other lions look at each other like they are going to wait, no I'm going to eat, now go interview that zebra and ask him how he feels about Zeus because I think his answer might surprise you, I think zebras in the zoo if they could talk thank god I'm in the zoo the lions are right there and they can't get to us and you know after a while the zebras in the zoo would start to get arrogant you know what I think I can accept them I'll tell you What next time you get into the zoo debate with the anti-zoo person, try to throw this out, which is rarely used in the zoo debate, it should be used more often because it's quite effective, some people even say that is brilliant after the The anti-zoo person makes his point, just look them in the eye and just say this, the zebras at the zoo can take a nap, I guess in the hopes of getting everyone on board with that, let's see if we can lure them to everyone and let me just. explain if you are a zebra and you can take a nap you are a successful zebra because zebras in Africa if one of them said hello I think I will take a nap the other zebra is okay we will catch you later okay.

We don't have everyone yet let me try this just come with me on this use your imagination and I think you'll be fine with me don't fight me on this just go with me if I was a zebra in Africa and a The zoo truck stopped I'll see there are some people laughing at the zoo truck and you have the right idea because there are a lot of other people looking at me like I've never seen a zoo truck, well it seems pretty well informed if I were a zebra in Africa and a zoo truck stopped , I would run out of the herd, you don't need a tranquilizer gun, don't even go down the ramp because I'm jumping on the track because I'd like to get some sleep at least the zebra leads an honest life doesn't he know he has to run for his life all the days?

It's an honest life Compare the life of the zebra with the plight of the cow Kyle doesn't know that Carl was born on a farm The farmer takes care of her There is a barn as a shelter They feed her every day If she gets sick a vet comes out The cow walks thinking that everyone loves me then one day the farmer says who wants to go for a walk the cow is thinking I have had an interesting life why don't you drive for a long time? You start to think it's nonsense for ten hours straight.

I'm driving this cattle truck passing me. I roll down the window and scream. Jump. They are going to kill you. I swear. The cow's head went up if it had been a British cow, you know, you talk about driving and, uh, you started thinking stupidly in a twisted way, right on the interstate, I drove for hours and hours and, uh, I saw the limit of Lateral speed, speed limit 65 miles per hour I looked at my speedometer it was going at 75 and then I realized the sign was wrong just when I got to 90 I was stopped by a cop and asked what the speed limit was I said well, That's what I was trying to find out when you pulled me over he said 65 miles an hour I said why he said because that's what the sign said I said the signs were wrong he said why I said because I can go faster nowi saw this on tv i thought it was interesting i had a survivor of a grizzly bear attack on tv according to this guy you know what you're supposed to do in a grizzly bear attack according to this guy you know what you're supposed to do do yourself the dead man that's what the guy said the guy said he played dead and the bear ate him a little bit and then the bear left so he said just dead it worked and I'm looking at this thinking no the bear took them ate a little.

Some of you left, who told you it worked, but you went right. along with them and I wanted to ask them questions how do you know dead things are you a guy who is a bear maybe we need more numbers maybe your bear just ate a moose or maybe you just don't know well but they agreed with them they didn't explain nothing they didn't explain how to play dead there were no guidelines or illustrations how would you know if you were playing dead? What if you're playing dead and your bear is eating you and the bear just keeps going? eating after three or four bites you start to get nervous you're supposed to play dead until you're dead and my friends look at me oh

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he really looks like he's dead now yeah, he only has his arm left ah, he's a good actor he's supposed to that you should play then until you get angry and get out of character hey, what kind of bear are you?

You couldn't see he was dead, I won't do it, I won't play dead, I don't like this strategy, here you go What am I going to do if I see a grizzly bear? I'm calculating the distance between me and the grizzly bear and then I'm calculating the distance between me and my car or between me and a cliff. Jump or the distance between being a guy I can beat in a race and when I run next to him he will I'll say play dead. I shouldn't make fun of the whole dead plane strategy, although I did have a real life experience with wildlife.

I was actually working on a cruise that went to Alaska this particular week. I ended up working with someone who became one of my best friends in the business. Gary Carson, a Las Vegas magician. If you ever get the chance, go see it. one of the best in the world gary and i hit it off that week we worked together we ended up hanging out all week everywhere we went we went together two grown men hanging out together on a cruise maybe not a good idea for him At the end of the week a college-aged girl approached us and asked us if we were gay.

She then went on to say that she was telling her dad how embarrassing it would be if Gary was gay because he's so handsome, so I realized that not only am I gay, but I'm the ugly gay guy. Gary didn't miss a beat, looking straight at her and saying, "Look, if I were gay, don't you think I could do better than him? But we had a great time." We're outside of Haines, Alaska, we're walking down a dirt road, there's a lumberjack trail that goes into the woods and Gary says, look, there's a big moose and I turned around and looked and there was a big moose because I guess that there is no The little moose and I are going with Gary, Gary, take your camera, take the photo of the moose.

Gary goes, no, if I take his picture from here, he'll look like a horse, no, I don't know how he knew that, but he's a magician and I figured you know, but you have to understand that we're two city kids because in That moment I'm going with Gary Gary, let's run towards the moose and we'll take a photo of it, we'll run as far as possible, now we'll start running the first track we have. I understood that maybe something wasn't quite right. I should have had one of the moose just sit there peace

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y chewing and when we got close enough to see his eyes, it was like his eyes said, "I'm pretty sure I can take these two." about 20 feet away and I stop and go towards gary gary give me your camera and you go over the moose gary didn't even hesitate I already have the camera you go over to the moose to which I intelligently respond okay, now I'm going up the moose I get him about 10 feet away.

I turn around to hear Gary quickly say that he is coming towards you. Now we learned two things about Gary in this story. The first thing we learned is that I'm faster than Gary and when I ran next to him. The noise she made wasn't exactly what you'd call a manly noise, in fact, I remember thinking that the college girl might be right, but you have to understand that at this point we're all running for our

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s, none of us care about the other. , let me. Let's put it this way, if Gary had tripped and fallen, honestly, he would have been thinking well, I'm going to

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now we're running through the woods, we come to a clearing, there's a shed, we're going around the corner of the shed.

The moose is right behind us now I jump up, grab the top of the shed, I don't know how I did this, it must have been adrenaline somehow, I did a somersault and landed on my feet on the top of the shed, I'll tell you. say. If it had been in gymnastics tenza across the board, this is where we learned the second thing about Gary, Gary can't jump, Gary, hit the shed hard, but I'm on top of this, but I'm safe, so now It's funny to me because I'm looking down and what I'm looking at is Gary running around the shed and the moose is right behind him and I'm yelling encouragement, Gary, you might want to pick him up, the moose is catching up to you, hey.

I have an idea, throw me the camera. I'm pretty sure he won't look like a horse from here, but that's not what I was expecting because tomorrow I'll call Gary and tell him I met the first one. audience who didn't care who could care less what happened to him usually someone shouts what happened to gary and the reason why i hope is because this is a true story the way i tell it is exactly how it is told developed, except when I got to the top of the shed, Gary turned the corner, we both lost sight of the moose, the moose just veered off into the woods and kept going, no, I was on top, I could see that and when Gary got tired and he would slow down, just make a noise he would speed up again I want to mention this um I don't think I'm the only one but I'm just lost I feel like technology has passed me by I can't keep up Up, I'm so far behind.

I need scientists and researchers to take some time off. Take five to ten years. Let me, let me catch up. No I'm serious. I have a cell phone. The only thing I use is to make calls. They are coming out with so many things so fast and some of them I'm getting suspicious. I think they're starting to make things up. It's as if they were taking them from science fiction books and movies. It's like they're making things up. because they know they can tell us whatever they want because we have to accept what they say because we can't verify the answer, no, they're just if you think about some of the things they tell us to do, I really think they're making things up.

I'll give you some examples recently in the news. Scientists say they can now make the invisibility quote like the one in the Harry Potter movies and books. They can make an invisibility cloak. How do we challenge them with that? Oh yeah. Where is? It's right there. They are inventing things. Some of the things they've been telling us for a while. I think they are doing cloning. They told us we can clone. How did they show it to us? a sheep in one, there it is, we cloned it, you are absolutely right, you cloned it, how else could you get that sheep to look like all the other sheep?

They are making things up sometimes they change old facts now that they have decided. that pluto is no longer a planet just like pluto is no longer a good planet so I think we should all call our old teachers because we could have gotten a b but then I saw this in the paper I almost skipped it then I went back and looked a little closer i think this conclusively proves that scientists are making things up in the newspaper scientists said they discovered a black hole in galaxy m87 50 million light years away that's what they said they discovered a black hole in galaxy m87 which I'm pretty sure is between m88 and m86, 50 million light years away, that's how far away they said it was, 50 million light years, light years, light years, well you know what I'm sick and tired of acting like I know how far away I am in a light year.

I have no idea if it's more than a mile away, but they are more than happy to tell us that scientists said a light year is the distance light travels, I've never seen them pack this into a light year is the distance light travels. light. a year, which is about 6 trillion miles 6 trillion miles trillion there's a number that I use my checking account every day, so 50 million multiplied by 6 trillion is over a hundred, so now we know how far to go, we know which direction just follow the numbers in the sky and there is a black hole of course we all know what that is right?

We have no idea, but scientists are more than happy to tell us that scientists said that a black hole is a supernova or giant star that is so big that it collapses in on itself and is so dense that gravity is so powerful that it can't even be seen. light can escape. That's what the scientist said, not even light can escape and this is where we have them. They are inventing things that not even light can escape. because you know what they said that means you can't see it I don't know everyone should be with me right now you can't see it but we discovered it 50 million light years away if you can discover something right below you can't see that's pretty cool oh I think That I have a black hole right here gets even better, how do we find out?

We used the Hubble telescope to discover a black hole that you can't see. I would have loved to bend. with the scientists when they got those Hubble photos, you know, and I can't see anything, let's just tell them it's a black hole, British scientist, you know, I work a lot on cruise ships and it's a condensed space and you have you have people from everything you know , it's like you have the whole world in front of you in a condensed space, so, for example, on a cruise you can see the evolution of the marriage you have, you have everything from your young married couples from the ages of 10 to 30 in between to over 50 years of marriage, the evolution of marriage right in front of you, you see the young married couples walking and you can tell looking at the husband that he doesn't know he is no longer in charge, you look at his wife's faces as if his face would say: I'll let him walk like this for another year or two, but then you have the intermission. 10 to 30 years of marriage watch the husband walk completely differently.

He is very indecisive. He has walked with his wife many times and knows that she can throw herself in any direction. He learned a long time ago. There is no straight line. I'm pretty sure the cruise is his idea, he just doesn't remember how he came up with it. You really want to see him start having fun. He waits until he starts doing some little figure eight shopping with his wife. You want to see how much he enjoys it. just look into his eyes when he comes closer, look long enough, you'll actually see him turn into gore, but the most beautiful thing, the most beautiful thing, is over 50 years of marriage.

You have to watch the husband there, over 50 years of marriage. down he never looks up he only looks down when he walks he only puts one foot forward he slides the other up he's as fast as he goes he learned a long time ago the less distance you travel the less distance you go back he never looks up you can even Ask him why why Why don't you look up and it will tell you that my wife is taking pictures. You stand behind him in the hallway. You will arrive when he is ready for you to arrive.

Sometimes you think you can ignore it, but. It's like he has a radar that stays right in front of you He never looks up The only thing he knows is the color of his wife's socks That's what he looks at in the morning That's what he follows all day Sometimes she gets ahead too much of it just stops someone comes the same color it sucks boom there it goes I think experience helps a marriage a lot what at some point could have ended in an argument now may not be because of experience now I give you an example of what It happened at my house I'm not making this up I'll just start this story by saying it was that time of the month and it was okay only a handful of people know what I'm talking about I'm sitting at the kitchen table pouring some cereal for him breakfast, my wife comes into the room and I will very kindly do so.

I'm making eggs and bacon. I figured my portion of cereal was the answer. Well, many of you are missing a key point here. I didn't respond verbally to my my wife leaves the room I pour the milk I'm eating my cereal I'm relatively happy because I still don't know that I've made a mistake my wife comes back into the room she sees me eating the cereal and that caused a chemical reaction her eyes turned They rolled their eyes and their voice you're rude you didn't respect me I shouldn't punish you with pain take your punishment now is where experience came into play I knew right away don't make eye contact look down don't move movement will attract him play dead oh, okay, well, marriage is like a training program, the more you are married, the moreyou do for your wife, maybe you don't think you do it, you just don't know, your wife knows that she is the one who trained you.

You can always tell the happy or well-trained husband in the store that we are always walking we have coupons hanging out of our pockets you are almost too excited when the cashier asks if you have any coupons yes, you can tell the happy or well-trained husband in the store we are always walking around we have a handwritten list that we can barely read sorry matt can you tell me where the tampons are, the temples let's say tampons or harpoons, can't I read that? you buy the wrong kind you'll wish you bought some harpoons chances are you'll buy the wrong kind too no one told you how many different kinds there are many maxi flexi river derchi mojo grasses good night freedom that's what I'm buying 'cause I'm outta here, oh, and that's a shot when you bring home the wrong guy, you're stupid, the lord must destroy you.

My wife. My wife and I were married for two months when we decided we were going to have kids because she was pregnant. When your wife tells you she is pregnant your life is over, take a good look at the clothes you are wearing as you will be wearing them for a long time your children will look modern and cool as you go out of fashion, people make fun of it. dads and how we dress a white t-shirt shorts black socks with sandals we don't dress like that because we're stupid we dress like that because that's all we have left from what I see in front here we have I have quite good parents in the

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You know, when you have kids, you know that a lot of the things you did as a kid come back to you. I have three children when they were very little. There was one night when I woke up. In the middle of the night, two of my kids were talking to each other in their sleep and the other one was peeing on them and there are times when you just close the door and let them figure it out, I have to say. I was so excited, although I mean, I loved every second of being a parent, but I was so excited that I remember I couldn't wait for our very fair first parent-teacher conference for Eric, just a brilliant kid at home.

I couldn't wait for that the teacher told me I was a genius. I'm not just saying this. It was brilliant. I'm not just making this up in our house. He learned English. No teachers. Nothing. I just learned it so I could. Don't wait, uh, that first parent-teacher conference he sat down with the teacher and the first thing he said was that Eric gets along really well with his schoolmates, that was the last nice thing he said, then he said he has trouble with Focus on the task and pay attention. The next thing I knew he was touching my arm, Mr.

Clett, Mr. Class, I said, I don't know where you got that from, but no, sometimes you can see how they see the world and it's so innocent, my youngest son. Andy, I remember taking him to Toys r Us, he had won a toy, we were buying him a toy, he was eight years old, the toy he chose said recommended for ages nine and up, we are in line to buy the toy as how we got it. to the cashier, he pulls my arm, I lean over and he just whispers, tell him I'm dead and then I'm sure many of you have come across this experience, reached the age where you reached a point where They were his children.

He turned 16. The first one turned 16. I call that the sleepless year 16 driving it you just know you drive with it they just think they can drive that's the scary part they just you know when you drive with them you just pat them on the back when the car was going wrong way and they didn't hit him yeah okay, you did good, you went, you're in your lane, you didn't scare that guy, you know they stopped and he stops you from getting out of the car, yeah, you might want to park it, but it's a scary moment and One day I came home and Eric made the announcement that he was going to go get us milk.

He is 16 years old. He's driving now. I'm going to go get milk, we have the last six gallons left and the last thing I told him was to drive care

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y. The next thing I knew he was back at the house and he left, I hit the car parked in front of our house and I go, oh I go, I know you hit the car, he's going okay, how did you know I'm going okay? We're not in Warren when I heard the explosion, I thought it was you, but it's not the fact that he hit the cars like he hit.

I got out and looked, you know, he had just backed into the driveway to do a reverse U-turn to not push that car, but to hit it hard enough to push it onto our lawn, I just looked at Eric and I. He said I'm so glad the car was there, he said why I said because if that car hadn't been there I'm pretty sure you would have hit the house and then you think well, now he found out about it a week later, he did the announcement that we needed bread my last words were to him, drive carefully, he called me from a block away, I crashed into another parked car, I ran over there and as soon as I saw him, you know, you always hope you never shout stupid things.

As a parent, as soon as I saw it, I screamed, you can't hit a parked car. It's a brilliant piece of wisdom and Eric is exhausted, he yells at her. I think it's easy to crash into a parked car. I go, why would you say that? He says fine. If someone is in the car, they can see you coming and drive in the opposite direction. I have learned this. I have learned it by having children. They teach you about yourself. That is the conclusion. As you grow, you learn more and more about yourself. I give you an example when I first realized this uh my second son gus was only a few years old we're sitting at an intersection a red light for no reason gus yells come on lady there's nothing greener the way you talk mother I want to mention this too because uh Nancy and I are married and uh before we were married and how we talked to each other I love you too I love you I love you more now I love you more I just hope that your friends don't listen to you, but The first time we went on a cruise together I realized that now some of that is missing.

We are on a cruise. I noticed it immediately. We got on the cruise ship. We get to our room. Nancy unpacked. His clothes looked at me and said, wow, that's funny, you'd think they'd have some closets for you too and then he saw the hooks on the back of the bathroom door, oh there you go, but that's when I realized had changed a little. a little, uh, sleeping on a cruise, I think it's the best sleep I've ever had, the slight rocking of the ship, I love it, my wife didn't agree our first night on a cruise, she woke me up in the morning and He asked me if we were going to die.

It's 1 am She wants to know if we're going to die It's 1 am She wants to know if we're going to die I said yes eventually she said no tonight I said is there anyone in our room she said no from the ocean I said the ocean He is our friend she said what happens if the boat capsizes? I said then you go up to the other side I woke up the next morning I looked she had put on her life jacket so there goes that theory that we want to die together because you certainly didn't put a life jacket on me, right?

But I've been married for 24 years. I'm very happy. I asked my wife if she was happy. She told me I am and that's enough for me. No. no no no no no no it has nothing to do with you, but I got married, our relationship changed immediately, not gradually, but immediately, my wife began to share knowledge with me, knowledge that I had no idea she had before get married, enormous amounts of knowledge that she had. she must have stored up over the years hoping to share with her future husband, not all at once just bits and pieces here and there continuously and at one point I thought it would end now I know it never will and what surprises me I never know What is going to trigger your desire to share additional knowledge.

That's the complicated part. It's the part that keeps us alert. It could appear at any time for any reason or for no reason at all. There are days when I'll walk through a room and see my wife. Oh, I think I'll go the other way. I haven't really memorized yesterday's lesson, we still have a big midterm exam and I would like to do well. I never know what's going to happen. to trigger your desire to share additional knowledge one day I just opened our back door look at me front section lethargic only open the back door when I was single and opening the door only meant I wanted to get to the other side not once when I was single, I opened a door and thought to myself, my goodness, I hope I learned something while walking through it.

That was all I did. I opened the back door, maybe a little too long. I don't know what the exact time parameter is. Only I know. I must have passed him because my wife turned around and yelled, she's closing the door. You just let 800 mosquitoes into the house. No, I had no idea that mosquitoes fly in swarms of 800. I would think that many in a swarm you would see something happen. At the door I saw nothing but my wife with her keen eyesight and great knowledge, I knew 800 came into our house, God bless her, we could have been bitten, I got married that night, I don't need the Discovery Channel anymore, I guess What I'm trying to tell you is that when you get married you learn things you never knew when you were single, you get married, you learn things you never knew when you were single and you know what you see around us all the time.

I'm in a coffee shop behind an elderly couple. The husband looks for whole milk. That's all. He is doing. He drinks whole milk. He listens to what I say. Drink whole milk halfway. His wife says you don't drink whole milk. He didn't stop. I didn't respond again, I was just scared, I went straight to the skimmed milk and saw this and thought how lucky that man was to have found that woman. How many years did you drink the wrong milk? When you get married you learn things you never knew. when you were single, for example, now that I'm married, I realized that I would never have survived if I had stayed single, if I hadn't gotten married when I did, I probably would have died within months, I mean, when I was single it was wild I lived on the edge you wouldn't believe some of the things I used to do for example when I was single I used to wear my shoes around the house I'm not making this up I really did I didn't I know carpets are supposed to live for thousands of years.

When you get married, you learn things you never knew when you were single. For example, now that I'm married, I know I breathe too hard. My wife not only told me that I breathed too hard. She told me the exact distance from which people can hear me, oh, oh, I know, her knowledge is incredible, she could have been a cult leader, thank you, when you get married you learn things you never knew when you were single, for For example, now that I'm married, I know when it's time to leave a party. I never knew it when I was single.

I would do really stupid things like stay until I stopped having fun without realizing that I should have left hours ago simply because it was time. How is it possible? You're leaving the party boy, it's time my friend and you should get married so you know it too. When you get married you learn things that you never knew when you were single, for example, now that I'm married, I realized that I never knew. how to dress do you ever dress up to go out with your wife you walk out of the bedroom and she just looks at you and says no, no, come back no, I'll help you now if it's a British husband, well, you know if you've been married long enough, She doesn't even have to say anything.

You leave that room. You see a certain look. You just make a little turn. Get back there. Now I'm going to leave this with you because. I know everyone here knows what I'm talking about. I don't care if you are single or married because you see it around us all the time. When you get married you learn things you never knew when you were single. You just keep going. the streets of milwaukee walking towards this

theater

behind what had to be a husband and wife he said I'm hungry she said no you're not he walked past me he looked at me as if to say I guess I'm not hungry for sure I thought I was hungry Sometimes my stomach hurts like I'm hungry.

I'm sure glad I married her. I could be eating right now and I'm not even hungry. Well, I hope I die first. This is a real pleasure. For me, I want to say to everyone here, thank you very much for coming. This has been great. Thank you so much. Ah, then.