Boomer Triggers Gen-Z Snowflakes. Brad Upton

casino this happened in seattle a few months ago a guy was killed on the interstate he was driving the wrong way on the interstate and the police spokesperson was quoted as saying we don't know how fast he was traveling but the posted speed on that section of the road It's 60 miles per hour if you're driving the wrong way on the interstate. All speed limit signs are silver. I don't think fast people worry about that part. I hope I don't get a fine. I was browsing through the challenge the other night and came across a senior golf tournament.

I thought: who is watching old people play golf? Who has that kind of time in your life? Do you know what I would see even if they fought in senior cages? I don't think I'd be able to sleep if I thought that was with a couple of 20-year-old guys in the cage where they were going to fight again. one month, a couple of 80 year olds there, that's a death match, touch, shit, take a nap, that's how it goes, do you ever see these kinds of stories and someone dies in tragic circumstances, maybe they were climbing rocks, fishing, skydiving to get killed and people always say this, I know they mean well, they go at least he died doing something he loved, which to me is the cruelest irony of all time because if I I said I was going to teach you how to fish.

You will love the fish. You'll fish almost every weekend for the next 30 years, but eventually you'll follow a boat and drown. You will go. Know? what I think I'll learn to draw you want to be happy for someone I hope they die doing something they hated and then didn't have to finish I want to die Thanksgiving week at my in-laws' house maybe I can ruin that weekend for them once you heard that i died under those circumstances i want you to be happy for me ah that's cool he hated doing that recently i was invited to a 70s themed party so i went to the goodwill store to look for an ugly plaid jacket and i I found it and when I got to the register I discovered that Goodwill sells gift cards.

Let me repeat it one more time. Goodwill sells gift cards. When is it inappropriate to give or receive a Goodwill gift card and spend some money once something is purchased? Nothing new, of course, but I'm guessing there's a used slow cooker or a stranger's used t-shirt here with your name on it. If you ever rip a card and a goodwill gift card falls out, you might want to rethink what the relationship looks like. Honey, dinner for two at the food bank, the goodwill store next to my house last June, said 50 off Father's Day sale, nothing says I love you appears like, hey dad, get in the car, We don't want to pay full price for your stuff if my kids ever take me to Goodwill on Father's Day.

You know what I want for Father's Day. I want some new kids. I'm supposed to go to Home Depot this weekend. I'm not really looking forward to it. I don't like going home. warehouse, do you know why have 12 cash registers if you are never going to open them all at once? Have you ever seen them all open at once? No, what set of circumstances has to happen. Hey I have an idea about Sunday afternoon there are 40 of us this line now they make you scan your own stuff there you know what I do this is brilliant the machine gives you the option of Spanish or English there is always someone looking to sell machines of surfing I just press Spanish and say, hey, could you do this?

For me they come every time they do it for you they look at you like an idiot it doesn't matter you know why you're not the one wearing the orange bass I'm done with it all I said thank you I did a show a couple years ago, in August, in Phoenix, Arizona Have you ever been to Phoenix in August? Oh yeah, it's nice to have a 180 every day, well the locals always talk about the heat, dry heat, yeah you know what fire is, one time, walk by the bank, you know the flashing sign. and vice versa between the time and the temperature at 109 in the afternoon the time and temperature are exactly the same as the signs that go 109. 109. 109. oh better not be like that at 4 30. but if you have never been there It's so dry your lips crack your nose bleeds I always talk about old people who live in Phoenix I don't think they're old I think they're dry They're 20 years old They just need a glass of water I could get one if it's a debit card I will tell you a little about myself recently I was widowed if everything went as planned these are jokes friends relax it is a comedy show it is not too much my wife and I have been together 37 years thank you very married 30 years together 37 years we have a 22 year old son a 20 year old daughter they both drive a course you know what that means as soon as they get in the car they take over the radio station I have to listen to the The worst music I've ever heard in my life you know what I discovered to change the station, sing, baby, I have a butt like pow pow pow, dance, stop it, call me Mr.

Flintstones, 'cause I can turn you into a rock, stop, why are you? By doing that I blame the alcohol alca alka my son says you sound stupid I said I have one last problem without you why are you pushing me? I go, I can't keep my hands to myself. I love how my two children are in the kitchen. My wife comes in and I go, honey, I have a butt like pow pow pow and you know what her cue is to give me one of those things right there, let me tell you something we don't see the kids for a couple of days, I highly recommend it.

That, honey, has a butt like pow pow pow, what type of font is it? They don't write them like before. I know George Harrison were the most beautiful Beatles songs of all time. Something about the way he moves appeals to me like it doesn't. Another lover, that's a beautiful Eric, you know what he's trying to say, honey, he's got an ass like pow pow pow. I don't mess with my kids one bit. I had to remove those car seats from the back. Have you ever done that as a parent? Take the car. back seats and then clean the crack in the seat it's disgusting full of broken crackers raisins m m pretzels I think that's how they invented trail mix I guarantee you that's how that product originated it wasn't a hiker that came up with trail mix there's a dad somewhere the climb in the back I see the minivan that climbed do you know what would happen if you took that fuzzy band-aid off over there?

I would eat that. I can't imagine what it will be like to be single again to go out to a nightclub and say something to a woman to impress. I've done it for 37 years. I no longer have any idea what I would say to a woman. I really do not know. Now I know. I bet she would walk me over to Lauren and go, hey, you know what today I vacuumed the whole house, washed a couple loads, folded it and put it away. Some of you ladies are liking this, aren't you? I said a bunch of laundry.

I will iron each piece. That and I'd like to unload your dishwasher women leave Oh my gosh, you've been married a long time. Your wife will give you a list of things to do around the house. Am I right, guys? A list of molasses, honey, do this, honey. do that, can you imagine ever getting close to your wife, Hannah, listed one here, do these things, let me know how it works for you, never in a million years would it occur to any of us to try to do it. I told my wife: Give me a list of things to do if I give you a list of things to stop doing.

What if I want a darling? Don't list perfectly fair. You know I don't want to list her ladies. Don't put so many pillows on the bench. How many pillows do we need in a bed? Two have two pillows. That's all we need. I bet every bed here has eight or ten pillows. Am I right, guys? Yes, what are they doing? Go to bed guys, take three, I'm going to throw you right on the floor, you're going to lie down somewhere, if you put your head on pillow number three, your feet are a foot and a half from the end of the bed, just grab them and throw them on the floor and ladies, if you put a new quilt or new pillowcases, we don't notice, don't get mad, you know why we don't care, we don't care, my wife said, don't you realize that we had? new pillowcases here is something that every couple has in common I don't care if you have been together five weeks or 50 years you have your side of the bed that you sleep on and under no circumstances will it change can you imagine lying down for a bit?

The night your spouse went to bed an hour before him, you walked in there, she's asleep on your side of the bed, would you look at her, go, oh how sweet, the love of my life fell asleep. On my side of the bed, I don't wake up. She pick me up, I'll sleep on her side of the bed, no, pick up the covers, go and move, it's not like you want to sleep on her side of the bed, have you ever seen her nightstand, some of the things that are there, what about that? file they are using her feet have you ever seen that thing?

Are you starting a fire? You just scared the cat. I'm removing the calluses from my heel. We'll do it outside. I will get the injection now. Should I grab the sander? While I'm there, God, I think I married Wilma Flintstone when your kids were little, he keeps a certain epic in the house, do you know what it is? He makes you vomit. He makes you vomit if you swallow poison. Give it to him. I bought it. When my kids were little, he was reading the box. He has an expiration date. How bad can it be? He makes you vomit.

Hey, don't swallow it. That's all that's gone bad and will make you sick. Right there you have to buy something new. epic type fresh syrup Hey kids, come here, we have to finish this, where are you guys together? It's not Phoenix, so they have it in Phoenix. I'm not making this up. They know what they have at Phoenix tanning salons. Yes, they know it. The fact that I have been in Alaska I couldn't buy a snow cone just goes to show that people buy things they don't need. I'm convinced that you've seen those ads on TV for that clear mirror if you can hear all the words? but I can't understand them, you need a miracle here if I can hear all the words but I can't understand them, I may be in Mexico, you know, in Seattle, the last three years we've had five big wind storms, the five big wind storms .

Every one of them was on a Thursday, you know, I know it's my trash, it's daytime, Every one of those wind storms look at my trash can, I never found it either, but at least now I have a better one, someone else does the wind storm update like oh man this is better mine im grabbing this one. We had a big wind storm several years ago, right before Christmas, everyone was without power for five to eight days. It's nice when you lose power, isn't it for 20 minutes? For 20 minutes, it's something like this. a novel you're like I keep turning on that light it's fun for a few minutes day five has lost its charm you're burning toys and furniture at that moment let go of that you don't play with it anymore but after that storm in the Seattle region 13 people died 100 people They were hospitalized for barbecuing in the house, you know, sometimes we just need to thin the herd.

I read those things in a newspaper that is so tragic, but after that storm, the Washington state legislature held an emergency session. specifically to pass the law now in Washington state, all barbecues must have a sign saying no barbecue in the house. Do we really need to be told not to fuck up? Here's one for you, don't put bacon in it. put on your pants and make fun of a pit bull, there are certain things in life that we don't need to be tall about and if you're thinking about having a barbecue at home, I'm pretty sure you're not a reader and we follow that storm with a little snow want a good comedy I want you to come to Seattle we have half an inch of snow you'll see the dumbest town you've ever seen in your life people just parking their car on a bridge walking home that's all I'm leaving.

It was in downtown Seattle. I saw a front-wheel drive Honda Civic on Fifth Avenue. Chains on the rear wheels. I wish I was making that up. I just want to go open that door. Put your hand in and go. so ignorant I can't believe there's a barbecue in your backseat, you better not smell the bacon, ladies, admit it too, you're walking in the snow and I see your husband or boyfriend holding you under his arm, she doesn't slip , but basically your attitude is if I'm going down, this idiot is going to go with me right here, yeah, I noticed one came out right away, let him go, let him go, let go, it's slippery here, did you see that McDonald's announced that they already Won't they use polystyrene foam?

I will use cardboard. I think sooner or later they will have to use me. Wow, apparently there are McDonald's fans here. I'm sorry. I was in my garden working in my garden. I have these bald patches in the front yard. I don't know what caused it, they seem to be growing. I have tried everything to make the grass grow. Nothing works. I'll do it right next to the bald spot. I'm going to let the grass grow very long. Break it over the top, baby. I'm going to make my garden great again. I did a show in Billings, Montana.

Woohoo, it's a beautiful city. It is the only city in the United States that considers chewing tobacco a vegetable. The aunt is like a sea of ​​John Deere hats and Styrofoam cups. It was ladies' night. I was in Portland. oregon last summer this is a newspaper I was in portland the department of thesheriff had pulled a headless body out of the willamette river said just in the article the multnomah county sheriff's department has not yet determined the cause of death he has no head i just imagined it all these cops and i asked what do you suppose he killed?

Do you think he drowned? But the water ran down his neck. But the article went on to say that suicide had not yet been ruled out. I mentioned there was no head. I mentioned it well. How is it cut? Cut your head off, that's who I am, oh Jay, this hurts, wow, what kind of plan was this? How do you cut off your head? That's what I want to turn on the circular saw, run down the hall, naked God, baby, let's go to the emergency room, let's try that new place in Spanish, how do you cut your head off?

Hide your head, jump in a river, oh, I finally got my head off, that's a lot of work, okay, I have to hide this damn thing now, okay? a good place that they will never find I'm going to jump into the river where is the river? about six weeks ago I saw the san francisco airport at the san francisco airport I saw a dwarf in a giant's jacket I have to be honest, I couldn't I can't stop laughing I'm looking around, doesn't anyone else see how funny what is it? I work on about six or eight cruises a year.

I was in Juneau, Alaska. It's lovely. You've never been there. It's right on the water. Big, beautiful mountains rise directly behind the city and at the beginning of the cruise season they still have snow, locals told me that the number one question from these tourists who got off the ship and looked around is what is the elevation here where They just came down. A boat, you remember going uphill. It's so sad I just grabbed my head and went under.that salt water out of salt water see salt water c c sea level first of my flu that will last like 25 years I flew from Seattle Anchorage I had this idiot sitting next to me is talking because you've been to Hawaii I've been there a couple of times because I've never been to Hawaii, in fact we're landing in Anchorage, I'll be the closest I've ever been to Hawaii, what makes you think we can fly three and a half hours a day north of the sea?

I'll be closer to the cable. We are looking at a map. I think the problem is that every map of the United States you've ever seen is in the lower 48, right on the corner of Hawaii and Alaska. It took you a minute, but you understood it and I appreciate it. I tore my hamstring. A couple years ago I tore it really bad and I know you don't care and basically what I did was aggravate an old fishing injury from high school, seeing if you're listening, but I was getting everything I was thinking about ripping the Muscles is exclusive to Humans, isn't it?

You've never seen your cat jump out of a deep sleep and run down the hallway. It's true, have you ever seen a bird take off and walk away? I'm going to walk for weeks. Ah, those big webbed feet they are! no good, you don't really stink if you're a snake and you threw your back, well I see a dog just once walk towards something, go to the entrance to the old frisbee from high school, we have a cat at home, he has a cat in home cat owners cat owners yes, you ever stepped in cat vomit barefoot around 3:30 in the morning, oh, more cat owners now, that's cute, isn't it tripping to the bathroom at 3 :30 in the morning, half dead to the world, oh God, stupid cat, oh? that was still hot here are some of the cat owners.

Do you ever wake up to this at 3:30 in the morning? You jump out of bed in the dark, naked and without glasses. All you're trying to do is find the cat so you can throw it on the ground. carpet not on the carpet where is he? where is he not on the carpet? all you do when you grab the cat is do the Heimlich maneuver you're walking back to the bed I think I've got it in time oh boy, for hey, it's good that these pillows are down here, you guys are wonderful. Thank you so much.

I hope you had as much fun as I did. Thank you so much.