Boomer Triggers Gen-Z Snowflakes. Brad UptonFeb 27, 2020
how many not under 30 20 somethings let me know 20 somethings yes these are the dumbest people I have ever met not personally just as a group do me a favor put some cash in your freezer debit pocket cards every 17 dollar purchase i get so sick of holding mine in a mini frame that's a dollar seventeen here's my debit card you don't have a dollar and a quarter i know they are dumber than people my age you know when i was growing up we didn't have childproof taxis you dropped a coke bottle it didn't bounce wrecked our parents let us play with guns and knives and fireworks you know what happened to dumb kids they didn't it's true these the boys they grew up in a childproof world and they padded all the idiots left now they use debit cards they are 17 dollar purchases ever saw it they are buying energy drinks how much energy do you need at age 20 you should be selling them in the retirement town that is the target market right there a couple of freaks on a red bull are going to pick up that bingo game im sure b19 thats mine a lot of our terms dont mean anything i dont want to sound like a broken record you know what that means people correct under 30 never had a record, play, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, you still don't see them on their smartphones they can't leave them someone call someone text messages text they need to tweet geez focus you ever take a smart phone from a twentysomething something they don't have to do looks like he got hit with a shovel he should have learned how to talk to people texting never ends it's also not continuous did you know Seattle I'm not making this up there's a public service campaign going on it's on the buses in the newspapers on the radio stations telling young people they can't text they have to call and use your voice I wish I was making that up because apparently they've been having trouble with it omg someone's home I'm not roflmao these initials for everything you're drinking are all initials at the end of a funny sentence haha I know we used to put initials at the end of a funny sentence we used to write ha-ha-ha.
It's pronounced ha-ha and meant ha-ha, which is a much better way of saying ha ha, you're not the first to use the initials. FYI I make fun of 20 somethings or phones but you know what I'm as bad as them they're addictive it's instant information it's in your hand it's hard to leave them alone but I miss black rotary phones from old school i know why and what they are good for 20 something you are missing this old people remember this ending in an argument remember hitting them it felt good hitting a phone you could let out a little aggression you know what kissing mine felt good i can't do that with a smart phone i'll kiss the beat click you rip your pants pocket doing that now there's every phone there was a doorbell there you hit it hard enough to ring it look look i see some people nod there remember you guys don't kiss to mine you know that I made these phones that used to be on the wall I'm not making it up I'm telling you something else people used to call us we didn't know who it was I'm not making it up either, I remember the drink on the phone, you would run to answer , you pull your hamstring, you go to the phone, now you hear that thing ringing, whatever, and you know why you would listen to this, you know why you would run to the phone, listen to this? because if you didn't arrive there were no answering machines I see that you look at me like in no way and then you didn't know you didn't know you stopped like who was that and then you listen to this you had to call all your friends they listen to this in the numbers you stored in your head I didn't know either I'm making it up, right?
All the older people here know the number of the house they grew up in. Am I right, yeah, now you know? your spouse's number no phone is smart we're not some kids have trouble telling time now they never see a clock face they don't know how to tell time think about sleazy fighter pilots going to do enemy planes two in period that's in an hour it's nice to be here i know a lot of you are looking at me right now and going i think this guy did my taxes i will do them but you guys are going to jail some of you are looking at me too saying oh this guy he's kinda old i get it i remember all the time im getting older the other day i got mad at this old man because he was doing something old men do so i took a good look at him and said oh man i went to high school with that boy.
This will ruin your day. He will make you feel like you are a thousand years old. You ever enter a website. You have to enter your own personal information. You have to scroll down. to your birth year come on you gotta be kidding i really felt young the other day i was alone at the grocery store in the produce section in the middle of the afternoon then all of a sudden the van from the village of retired. I'm the youngest guy in that store by about 30 years. I'm in the fruit and vegetable section. I'm the only guy fast enough to rip those plastic bags off. hurry up have you ever seen the old men trying to get those bags off they have 20 or 30 on the floor remember the mall the old men in the mall have you ever seen the old men trying to get on the escalator they are standing there trying to time that step that comes out and when you lose that ability that happens overnight I mean you just go to the mall one day and say wow that thing is moving here's a tip for all of you in the escalator when you get to the top from the bottom you don't know where you're going step aside and then make a plan how hard the concept is for people to understand that they get off the top ok to where we gonna go is 400 people being forced sick of your butt movement im from seattle marijuana is now illegal you can buy in a cracker so now i know how to shut up the neighbor dog there you get sizzling you better get out of the sun you about to take a long nap my friend are you looking around is a good idea i went to hong kong and singapore i worked in these english speaking comedy clubs i spent several days exploring hong kong but there was something different about the city i couldn't describe my finger in it i finally figured it out you know what its not chinatown its a stupid joke i know i got here yesterday we landed in salt lake city we took uh uber here and the guy had the radio on and uh one of your local hospitals is making an announcement for your emergency room.
It's something you look for in an ER. In there, if your finger is half off, it's half off and then some mattress, mattress, firm mattress, something, not some mattress store running an ad right now telling you who can finance a mattress in 48 months, yeah it takes you four years to pay for a mattress, you can't you can't afford a mattress if it takes you four years to get a proper mattress nothing will help you sleep better you want to sleep better get a career can you afford a mattress and how the entire coast mattress industry decided at the cost the only way we can move this product is to get a meth hat tattooed on the sidewalk with a sign on it and rotate it a few times a mattress is not an impulse buy you have never been driving home from work i have to get a mattress you know what every time I see that guy on the sidewalk you know I'm thinking he's the owner's nephew he told his sister he'd give him a job but he's not coming to the store how about this piece of advertising ever stop by a business?
There is a big banner hanging. on the front it says underdo management ever worked and brought in a customer it's always in a mini mart or an old motel that's where you see that thing hey honey you know that motel on the old road where those people were shot and they were making meth. it's under new management we should check it out you know what that sign should say it's still a dump you know what sign I saw in my neighborhood a hand made sign in some guy's front yard it said garage sale sale , sale, garage sale, what kind of hillbilly method is this? sells the word sale that was everywhere for sale for sale sales back to school sale s-a-i-l it's nice to work in front of smart people it really is there are places in this country they stare at me in that you spell that's good check this out the west virginia state legislature passed their road kill bill making it easier for west virginia citizens to own and eat their road kill honey i'm leaving work you want me to hit something what a great defense of dui that app stopped you. been drinking i was looking good luck i have a website it's
upton.com and there's no reason to tell you i don't feel the need to put the www in there do we need to hear that on www websites they're all www what's that short for btw world wide web has three syllables www has nine not sure about anything thats what im trying to tell you some of you are looking at me like the taliban watching baseball the ncaa said all colleges the indian mascot had to get rid of their indian mascot because offensive indians the ncaa is based in indianapolis indiana kinda ironic did you guys watch the olympics last summer of course you did america did great at the olympics we had a great olympics they were great you know though when you're watching the olympics you see the eight fastest men in the world the eight fastest women in the world i think we forgot how fast they are you know what i think they should do to keep it in perspective get someone out of the stands give them a chance in the goal section 32 row six seat nine let's go downstairs you go for the goal a fat guy with a selfie stick who is 35 seconds away a hundred meters right there you know what else I would like to see in the olympics sometimes only some athletes break and lose he just loses his cool like a diver he's in sixth it's his last jump he knows he can't meddle he goes out he goes you know what i trained half my life for this i'm not getting anything because the next day no one would know who won that competition.
Everyone in the world would know that guy's name. He would be doing endorsements for the rest of his life. olympic sport tug of war i wish they would bring that back i would like to see some big russian steroid monsters against the strongest guys from somalia sasha look at these guys see arms come out i think we win who is next mexico the mexican team tutor i thought what did you say taco war is not good 2010 i was in vancouver i bought some olympics tickets and got to see luge and they were interviewing this guy this luge legend 38 years old has been to four olympics i will retire after the bobsled olympics i thought how did you you retire from that sport is laying down it's not like you're going to miss a step it's laying down laying down is the only skill you get better at every year you're alive and eventually you master it you can send a corpse downhill for a good time the stiffer the better like oh grandpa he's going for him look at him so he had tickets to go see biathlon you know what it is cross country skiing and target shooting how do you put those two weird events together and create a sport hey i know let's run 110 meter hurdles tall and let's change the brakes on a 79 plymouth fury, i'm the best in the world, they interviewed the american, he was ranked 20th in the world and asked what they are. your chances and i thought you knew what you're skiing through the rifle woods pretty good i'm coming out of the woods first under those circumstances i'm low on ammo but i'm in the lead y'all? follow me on that one i shot y'all you don't need to stop in this country any kind of restaurant walk in like an applebee it's one of those chains that's so annoying where the staff sing happy birthday to somebody yeah look at your nod why do it we do it, all the Involved hate it, the staff hate it, the diners hate it, the birthday boy hates it, you know, who likes it, the birthday boy's friend, yeah, that's the idiot enjoying that moment right there, like the arsonist in the fire, like I caused this, speaking of birthdays, I was on a label, so you're looking at birthday cards, have you seen that this label has a line of birthday cards now for people turning 100? buy a card for someone's shift 100 leave that for the last minute it's okay to laugh about it it's not like they're here they're at the casino this happened in seattle a few months ago a guy was killed on the interstate he was driving the wrong way for the interstate and the police spokesman was quoted as saying we don't know how fast you were traveling but the posted speed on that section of highway is 60 miles per hour if you drive the wrong way on the interstate all posted speed limit signs they're silver I don't think fast figures care aboutthat part i hope i don't get a ticket i was flipping through the challenge the other night and i came across a golf tournament for seniors who has that kind of time in your life?
Do you know what I would see? Fighting in cages for older adults. I don't think I could sleep if I thought it was a 20-year-old couple in the cage where they're going to fight again. a month a couple 80 year olds in there that's a death match touch shit nap that's how it goes ever seen these kinds of stories and someone dies in tragic circumstances maybe they were rock climbing , fishing, skydiving to die and people always say this I know they mean well they say at least he died doing something he loved which to me is the cruelest irony of all time because if I told you that I was going to teach you how to fish you are going to love fish you are going to fish almost every weekend for the next 30 years but eventually you are going to follow a boat and drown you would go you know what i think i will learn to draw you want to be happy for someone i hope i die doing something i hated so they didn't have to end i want to die on thanksgiving week at my in-laws house maybe i can ruin that weekend for them once you heard i died under those circumstances i want you to be happy by me oh that's cool i hated doing that i was invited to a 70s themed party recently so i went to the goodwill store to look for an ugly plaid jacket and i found it and when i got to the register i found out that goodwill sells gift cards let me repeat once again goodwill sells gift cards when its inappropriate to give or receive a goodwill gift card and spend some money once you buy yourself something nothing new of course but i guess there is a pot used slow cooker or a t-shirt worn by a stranger here with your name on it. honey dinner for two at the food bank the goodwill store next to my house last june said 50 off fathers day sale nothing says i love you appears quite like hey daddy jump in the car we dont want to pay full price for your stuff if my kids ever took me to goodwill on father's day you know what i want for father's day i want some new kids i'm supposed to go to home depot this weekend. depot you know why have 12 cash registers if you're never going to open them all at once have you ever seen them all open at once no what set of circumstances has to happen hey i got an idea about sunday afternoon there's 40 of us on this line now they make you scan your own stuff there you know what i do this is brilliant the machine gives you the option of spanish or english there is always someone looking to sell surf machines i just press spanish and voila hey could you do this for me they come every the time they do it for you they look at you like an idiot never mind you know why you're not the one with the orange bass i got it all done i said thank you i did a couple shows years ago in august in phoenix arizona were you ever in phoenix in august oh yes it's nice about 180 every day well the locals always talk about the heat dry heat yes you know what fire is once you walk across the bank you know the flashing sign and forward between the time and the temperature at 109 late the time and the temperature is exactly the same as sign going 109. 109. 109. oh better not be like that at 4 30. but if you've never been there it's so dry you have chapped lips you get nose bleeds i always talk about the elderly living in phoenix i don't think they're old i think they're dry they're 20 they just need a glass of water i could get one if it's a debit card i'll tell you a little about myself i'm a recently widowed if everything went according to plan these are jokes friends relax it's a comedy show it's not too much my wife and I have been together 37 years thank you very married 30 we have been together 37 years we have a 22 year old son a 20 year old daughter they both drive a course you know what that means as soon as they get in the car they take the radio station I have to listen to the worst music I've ever heard in my life.
You know what I discovered to change seasons. Sing honey. Got a booty like pow pow pow Doing that I blame the alcohol alka alka my son says you sound stupid I said I have one last problem without you why are you bugging me I'm going I can't keep my hands to myself I love how in the kitchen my two kids my wife comes in I'm going honey i got a booty like pow pow pow and you know what her cue is to give me one of those things right there let me tell you something we don't see the kids for a couple days i highly recommend it honey i got a booty like pow pow pow what typeface it's just they don't write them like they used to i know george harrison they were all the most beautiful beatles songs of all time something about the way she moves draws me in like no other lover that's a beautiful eric you know what's Trying to say, honey, I got a booty like pow pow pow, I don't mess with my kids one bit, I had to get those car seats out the back. back seats then clean the crack in the seat it's disgusting full of broken crackers raisins m m pretzels i think that's how they invented trail mix i guarantee that's how that product originated it wasn't a hiker who came up with the trail mix there's a dad somewhere climbing in the back look at the scoop minivan that went up you know what happens if you take that fuzzy band-aid out of there?
I'd eat that, I can't imagine it's going to be like being single go out to a nightclub again and say something to a woman to impress her. I have done it for 37 years. I have no idea what I would say to a woman anymore. lauren and come on hey you know what i vacuumed the whole house today washed a couple times folded it put it away some of you ladies like this don't you? that and i'd like to unload your dishwasher women go oh my word you've been married a long time your wife will give you a list of things to do around the house i'm right friends a list sweet darling do this darling do that can you imagine coming closer to your wife?
I told my wife give me a list of things to do if I give you a list of things to stop doing How about if I want a list of honey? Isn't that perfectly fair? I didn't put so many pillows on the bench, how many pillows do we need in one bed? Two has two pillows. That's all we need. I bet every bed here has eight or ten pillows. go to bed guys grab three i'm going to throw them right on the floor you're going to lie down somewhere if you put your head on pillow number three your feet are a foot and a half from the edge of the bed just grab them and throw them on the floor and Ladies, if you put a new bedspread or new pillowcases, we don't notice, don't be mad, you know why we don't care, we don't care, my wife said, didn't you notice we had? new pillowcases here's something all couples have in common i don't care if you've been together five weeks or 50 years you have your side of the bed you sleep on and under no circumstances will it ever change do you imagine going to bed a little night your husband went to bed an hour before he walked in there she's asleep on your side of the bed would you watch her go oh how sweet the love of my life fell asleep on my side of the bed i don't wake up wake her up i'll sleep on her side off the bed, no, pull up the sheets, move around, it's not like you want to sleep on her side of the bed, have you ever seen her nightstand, some of the stuff on there, how about that? file they're using their feet have you ever seen that thing you're starting a fire you just scared the cat i'm picking the calluses off my heel we'll do it outside i'll get the shot back now i should grab the sander while i'm out there god i think i married wilma flintstone when your kids are little he keeps a certain epic around the house you know what that is that makes you puke makes you puke if they swallow poison give it to them i bought it when my kids were little i was reading the box it has an expiration date how wrong can you do it? makes you puke hey don't swallow that's all that went wrong that'll make you sick right there you need to buy a new one. epic boy fresh syrup hey kids come here we need to finish this where are you guys together it's not phoenix so they have in phoenix i'm not making this up you know what they have in phoenix tanning salons yes they know what i've been to alaska no i was able to buy a snow cone it just goes to show that people buy things they don't need i'm sure you've seen those commercials on tv for that clear mirror if you can hear all the words but i can't understand them you need a miracle here if i can hear all the words but i can't understand them i might be in mexico you know in seattle the last three years we've had five big wind storms all five of those big wind storms every one of them has been on a thursday you know how i know it's my crap it's the day, every one of those wind storms, look at my trash can, never found it, but at least now i have a better one. oh man this one's prettier mine I'm grabbing this one we had a huge wind storm several years ago right before Christmas they all lost power five to eight days it's nice when you lose power isn't it So? for 20 minutes for 20 minutes it's something like a novel you're like I keep turning on that light it's fun for a few minutes day five it has lost its charm you are burning toys and furniture at that moment let go of that you don't play with it anymore but after that storm in the seattle region 13 people died 100 people were hospitalized for barbecuing at home guess what? sometimes we just need to thin the herd i read those things a document that is so tragic but after that storm the washington state legislature held an emergency session specifically to pass the law now in washington state all barbecues must have a sign saying no barbecuing in the house do we really need to be told not to barbecue? your pants and teasing a pitbull there are certain things in life we don't need to be high on and if you're thinking about a house barbecue i'm pretty sure you're not a reader and we follow that wind storm with some snow you want some good comedy i want you to come to seattle we have half an inch of snow you'll see the dumbest town you've ever seen in your life people just parking their car on a bridge walking home that's all i'm leaving it was in downtown seattle i saw in fifth avenue a front wheel drive honda civic tire chains on the rear wheels i wish i was making this up i just wanna go open that door get in and go so ignorant i cant believe theres a bbq in your backseat you better not smell to bacon ladies admit this too you're walking in the snow and i see your husband or boyfriend holding under his arm he won't slip but basically his attitude is if i'm going down this idiot is going with me right here yeah i realized that one came right off leave it leave it leave it's slippery in here did you see McDonald's announced they won't be using styrofoam anymore?
I will use cardboard. I'm thinking sooner or later they'll have to use me. Wow, apparently the McDonald's fans are here. I'm sorry, I've been in my garden working in my garden. I have these bald spots in the front yard. i dont know what caused it they seem to be growing i tried everything to make the grass grow nothing works i will make it right next to the bald spot i am going to grow the grass a long time tear it over baby i am going to make my garden great again. I did a show in Billings, Montana. oregon last summer this is a newspaper i was in portland the sheriff's department had pulled a headless body from the willamette river it said right in the article the multnomah county sheriff's department has yet to determine a cause of death he has no head i just pictured all these cops and i go what do you think killed him do you think he drowned but the water ran down his neck but the article went on to say they hadn't ruled out suicide yet i mentioned there was no head i mentioned that ok how do you cut out of your own head that's what i am oh jay this hurts wow what kind of plan was this how do you cut your head off that's what i want to turn on the band saw run down the hall naked god darling let's go to the er Let's try that new place in Spanish for it, how do you cut your head? hide your head and jump into a river? oh I finally ripped my head off geez that's a lot of work okay I gotta hide this damn thing now okay there's a good place they'll never find I'm going to jump in the river where the river is about six weeks ago I saw the san francisco airport at the san francisco airport i saw a dwarf in a giant's jacket i have to be honest i couldn't stop laughing i'm looking around doesn't anyone else see how funny this is? i work on about six or eight cruise ships a year i was in juneau alaska it's beautiful you've never been there it's right on the water and these big beautiful mountains loom directly behind the city and at the beginning of the cruise season they still have snow the locals tell me they said the number one question these tourists got off the boat and looked around is what's the elevation here you just got off a boat you remember goinguphill which is so sad i just grabbed my head and dunked in the salt water out of the salt water see salt water c c sea level first of my flu that lasted like 25 years i flew from the seattle anchorage had this knucklehead sitting next to me he's talking because you've been to hawaii i've been there a couple times because i've never been to hawaii we actually landed at anchorage i'll be the closest i've ever been to hawaii which makes you think we can fly three and a half hours north of the sea I'll be closer to the cable We are looking at a map.
I think the problem is that every map of the United States you've ever seen is in the lower 48, right at the corner of Hawaii and Alaska. It took you a minute, but you got it and I appreciate it. I tore my hamstring. I tore it real bad a couple years ago and I know you don't care and I basically did it was aggravate an old high school fishing injury to see if you were listening but I was getting all I was thinking about tearing muscles It's exclusive to humans, isn't it? you've never seen your cat jump out of a deep sleep run down the hall is it true you've ever seen a bird take off and fly away i'm going to walk for weeks ah these big webbed feet are no good you really don't suck if you're a snake and you took your back off well i only see a dog once walking towards something go to the old high school frisbee driveway we have a cat at home he has a cat on cat owners cat owners yes you ever stepped on a cat that vomited barefoot around 3:30 in the morning, oh, more cat owners, that's good, isn't it, stumbled into the bathroom at 3:30 in the morning, half dead to the world, oh , gosh, stupid cat, oh that was still warm here are some cat owners you ever wake up to this at 3:30 in the morning jump out of bed in the dark naked without glasses all you try to do is find the cat so you can throw it on the rug not on the rug where it is where it is not on the rug all you do when you grab the cat is do the heimlich maneuver you're walking back to bed i think i got it on time oh wow Hey, it's great that these pillows are down here, you are wonderful, thank you very much, I hope you had as much fun as I did.
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