Weekend Update Rewind: Pete Davidson (Part 1 of 2) - SNL

-I have a doctor's note. -Oh God. I will read it. -Because of the airtime? -Yeah. "To anyone who cares, please use Pete in more sketches where he kisses the host. And use more of his rap videos, which I hear are really good." ♪♪ -Last week, voters rejected the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance, which would have required businesses to allow transgender people access to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more information on this is Pete Davidson. -Hey, how are you, Colin? Yeah, apparently this anti-discrimination law was rejected because some people claim it's just an excuse to let men into women's bathrooms, you know?

The theory is that men, in their incessant quest to see women go to the bathroom, are going through years of hormones, surgery, name changes, wardrobe changes, coming out to their family, all for that great reward of urinating in a room. no urinals. What is this fantasy you think is happening in there? No shirtless pillow fights. There is no disco ball. I grew up with a mother and a sister, so I know a thing or two about sharing a room, like a bathroom, with women. Stinks. Nobody wants to stay there. Last week, I accidentally ran into my mom in the bathroom and I don't think we'll ever talk again.

Even if, for some reason, you're desperate to use the women's bathrooms, you don't need to change your gender to do so. You can just enter. There is no goalkeeper. The door is there. Seriously, I've been using the women's bathroom here to poop for the past two months. -Yes, in fact we have received many complaints. -Yes, on my

part

. It's dirty in there. I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones. It seems that a man made of toilet paper was murdered there. -Then why do you keep using it? -Because it's the only bathroom that has Wi-Fi, and Cecily has a beautiful singing voice.

That was my favorite line. Look, do you know why I'm not worried about a woman in the men's room? Because at every sporting event I've ever attended, some girl would barge in and say, "The line is too long. I'm peeing here." And guess what. It didn't ruin my pooping experience. If anything, it's the only reason I washed my hands. -Pete Davidson, everyone. -Earlier this month, courts ordered the website Gawker to pay Hulk Hogan $140 million for publishing the professional wrestler's sex tape without his consent. Pete Davidson has more on this. -Yes, thanks. -Thanks, Mike. -You're welcome, Pete. -So, I understand that this was like an invasion of Hulk's privacy and he deserved compensation.

But $140 million? Do you realize that makes Hulk Hogan the highest-paid porn star in the world...at $139 million? That means the court believes he lost $140 million in future earnings because of the damage this caused to his reputation. He is an old man who used to smear himself with oil and pretend to fight immigrants in his underwear. What job opportunities has he missed? Plus, he even admitted that he knew he was being filmed, which I find hard to believe, because he's not that good of an actor. There's no way I'm going to do an entire sex scene without pretending once that his trash is knocked out and he has to get up to finish the job.

Are you telling me that tape is more embarrassing than him playing Thunderlips in "Rocky III"? I think he's just angry because this tape showed that he was lying when he said he had a 10 inch penis. Yes, it turns out it's only seven, which in my experience is a good four inches more than anyone needs. - -That's good. -That? This is how you use it. Hey, I'm doing it right! Right, Che? Well, you wouldn't know it. Colin, right? Look, at the end of the day, it's just a tape of two, you know, adults having consensual sex. So why do we shame Hulk Hogan?

Why do we shame someone? Because that's a real problem. I mean, why do men make fun of women for doing something we spend every night praying they will do to us? We have to stop making girls feel bad about having sex with random guys, or they'll stop having sex with random guys. What are you going to? Idiots? Is that the world you want to live in? Millions of horny guys repressed and desperate for physical contact, who never leave their childhood, wear costumes until they are 30 and play fight with each other... Oh my God. That's where wrestling fans come from. -But why does Hogan's agreement bother you so much? - Because I've had my own sex tape posted for months and I can't even afford to park my car in Manhattan. -Did you put a sex video? -Yes, and I can't get a single website to publish...

I'm not even asking for 100 million dollars. I'll take like $4,000, like... I just... I don't want to have to leave my mom... you know, my car at my mom's house anymore. Connect me, Mirón. Like... -But, Pete, wouldn't that be unfair to the other person in the video with you? -Another person. Ah, that's why they don't publish it. -Pete Davidson, everyone. -Google it! -It's a good tape. -It's a good tape. -It's a good tape. -All this week, confirmation hearings are being held for Donald Trump's Cabinet nominees, and here to quickly sort them out in a new segment called "First Impressions" is Pete Davidson! -Hey, Che.

How are you? Alright, Donald Trump has made about 20 different picks for his cabinet and Democrats don't like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when every liberal in America was saying, "Come on, Mitt Romney!" Look, I don't know everything about politics or anything like that, but I'm a pretty good judge of people based on my first impression. So, here we go. For Attorney General, Trump chose Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions, a man who looks like Dobby from Harry Potter and wanted to be a real boy. Next, we have the candidate for Treasury: metrosexual Apple Genius Bar worker Steven Mnuchin.

He's a Goldman Sachs guy worth over a billion dollars. A long time ago, he said, "When I have a billion dollars, women will have sex with me." And now he says, "Maybe a billion." Next up is Trump's nominee for Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson. Trump believes Carson should be in charge of Housing because he lived in the projects when he was a child. Actually? If you're an expert on where you were born, does that mean he could be Secretary of the Honda Civic? I'm sorry, Mom. For Secretary of Commerce, the choice is Wilbur Ross. I've heard this guy is a billionaire investor, but I'm pretty sure I've seen him sitting on Jeff Dunham's lap.

I knew he recognized it. -Looks like him. -Yeah. Trump's pick for Secretary of Labor is a guy named Andrew Puzder. If you've ever wondered what Michael Fassbender would be like if he played Lex Luthor, wonder no more. Puzder was the CEO. of Hardee's, and now he will be in charge of all the workers in America. Do you know how I know it's a bad idea? Because this is the first time you've heard the word "Hardee's" in 15 years. And then there's Eric Trump. You know, this guy isn't in Trump's cabinet, but I couldn't resist. His hair says 1985, but his face screams, "Put the lotion in the basket!" -Pete Davidson's "First Impressions", everyone! -Put the lotion in the basket! -Every week brings a new controversy for President Trump as well as another person who has to defend him before the media.

Here to solve them is Pete Davidson with "First Impressions" of him. -Yeah! - What's up, all of you? Defending President Trump is a really tough job, and a couple of weeks ago they brought up this guy: Trump spokesman and James Bond villain Stephen Miller. Poor Steve. He tries to project strength, but it seems like Fredo Corleone would have been even sicker when he was a child. Still, you have to give him credit. He's come pretty far for a guy who was in high school and voted "He most likely has a cigar box full of missing girls' driver's licenses." It lasted about a week.

Then they got to White House deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is one of those sweet Southern girls you marry if you're gay. I like that. - -So now members of Congress are trying to defend Trump, like the head of the House Oversight Committee, Jason Chaffetz. You probably remember when he played Simple Jack from the movie "Tropic Thunder." Another person forced to defend Trump is Paul Ryan, who became speaker of the House of Representatives after someone waved a magic wand over a ventriloquist's dummy. Every Republican wanted Paul Ryan to come up with something to replace Obamacare.

And now that he did it, everyone hates him. And I know what this is like because for years people have been asking me to get off drugs and stay sober. And now that I've done it, everyone thinks I'm not funny and boring. And well, at least now I have dreams and started waking up with erections again. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hard as a rock. -Everything's fine man. -But now no one-- Well, maybe not as good as yours, but whatever. I'm sorry. But you know... I'm sorry. But no one defends Trump better than Fox News, and he starts every morning with "Fox & Friends." This is Donald Trump's favorite show, because every two years they change for a new blonde.

And this year's model is Ainsley Earhardt, who seems to be with her father's friends who keep talking about how much she has grown. Of course, the king of Trump supporters is Sean Hannity. He looks like a thumb, which explains why he's so up Trump's ass. You know... Thank you. I hate it too. I guess she likes Trump because his hair is really weird too. And the top of his head looks like two eyebrows that had to live their dream of being hair. -Ah, so that's what it is! Pete Davidson, everyone! -I wake up with erections again! -For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost! -I'm Michael Che.

Good night! -Good night. Well, this week there has also been a national conversation about mental health. Here to share his thoughts on this topic is Pete Davidson. -Hey! Thank you! Thanks guys. Oh thanks. Well, as some of you may know, I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a form of depression, and depression affects over 16 million people in this country, and there is no cure per se, but for anyone to cope with it. , there are treatments that can help. First of all, if you think you're depressed, you know, see a doctor and talk to them about medications and also stay healthy.

Eating well and exercising can make a big difference. And finally, if you're in the cast of a late-night comedy show, it might be helpful for them to, you know, do more of your sketches. -I'm sorry. Wait. Are you saying you're depressed because you don't get enough airtime? -Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed. But it might make me feel better if I was on TV more. -I-I don't know if this is maybe the best solution, Pete. -I mean, it's worth trying. Well then. This show is like 8 hours long and there are like 50 sketches a week.

It seems strange that you don't use one of them to fight mental illness, but I guess that's not your style. -Well. Alright. Well, maybe one solution could be to write more sketches for you, Pete. -That will not work. My sketches suck because they are all written by a depressed person. Lorne said that. -Well. -Well. So it's kind of a chicken and egg question. -Exactly. In fact, "Chicken and the Egg" was also one of my sketch ideas that was rejected. It was about a chicken eating eggs, but it was also about Black Lives Matter. -That sounds horrible. -Is.

So I need you to write it for me. -Wait. Haven't you even written yet? -No! I'm like depressed! Look. Here. I have a doctor's note. -Oh God. -I will read it. -Because of the airtime? -Yeah. - - "Whoever cares, please use Pete in more sketches where he kisses the host. And use more of his rap videos, which I hear are really good." "Besides" - This doctor is good, man. -Yeah. He sounds like a real doctor. -"Also, he should play a lot of Rex Tillerson. Signed, Pete Davidson's doctor." And there you have it. -That sounds legitimate.

That sounds like a legit... ...doctor's note, Pete. Also, I would like to point out, Pete, that you are nothing like Rex Tillerson. -Then give me a mask! Like what? He looks like a Muppet fallen into a lake. And that's just one of the many jokes you'll see next week in Pete Davidson's "First Impressions" segment. -Pete Davidson, everyone. ♪♪