Weekend Update Rewind: Pete Davidson (Part 1 of 2) - SNL

-Go a doctor's note. -Oh, well. I will read it. -Pen the air time? -Yeah. "Who corresponds, use Pete in more sketches where I can kiss the host. And use more of his rap videos, what I hear are really good." ♪♪ -Memana, voters rejected the Houston Rights Equality Ordinance, which would have required companies to allow transgender people to access their gender identity bath. Here more about this is Pete Davidson. -Hey, how are you, Colin? Yes, apparently, this anti -discrimination law was rejected because some people claim that it is only an excuse to allow men in women's bathrooms, you know?

The theory is that men, in their relentless search to see women go to the bathroom, are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their name, their wardrobe, leaving their family, all for that great reward of urinating in a room without urinary ones. What is this fantasy that believe it is happening there? There are no shirtless pillows. There is no disco ball. I grew up with a mother and a sister, so, as, I know something about sharing a room, like a bathroom with women. Stinks. Nobody wants to hang out there. Last week, I accidentally entered my mother in the bathroom, and I don't think we'll ever talk again.

Even if, for some reason, you are desperate to use women's baths, you don't need a sex change to do so. You can enter. There is no gorilla. The door is right there. Seriously, I have been using the ladies room here to penetrate during the last two months. -YEAH, we have actually received many complaints. -YEAH, on my

part

. He is dirty there. I thought the girls were supposed to be clean. It seems that a man made of toilet paper was killed there. -The then, why are you still using? -Because it is the only bathroom that Wi-Fi has, and Cecily has a beautiful song of singing.

That was my favorite line. Look, you know why a woman in the men's room does not worry me? Because every sporting event in which I have been, a girl has broken down and said: "The line is too long. I am urinating here." And guess what. He did not ruin my poop experience. In any case, it is the only reason I washed my hands. -Pete Davidson, all. -Aarlier this month, the courts ordered the Gawker website to pay Hulk Hogan $ 140 million for launching the sexual fighter's sex tape without his consent. With more about this is Pete Davidson. -Yay, thanks. -Gracles, Mike. -The welcome, Pete. -Aly, I understand that this was, as, an invasion of Hulk's privacy and deserved compensation.

But $ 140 million? Do you realize that it makes Hulk Hogan the best paid porn star in the world ... for $ 139 million? That means that, as, the court believes that he lost $ 140 million in future profits due to the damage that this caused to his reputation. He is an older citizen who used to grease and pretend to fight immigrants in his underpants. What job opportunities have lost? As, in addition, he even admitted that he knew he was being recorded, which is difficult for me to believe, because he is not so good actor. There is no way to do a whole sex scene without pretending once your garbage is knocked out and has to bother her to finish the job.

Are you telling me that this tape is more shameful than he playing thunder in "Rocky III"? I think he is angry because this tape showed that he was lying when he said he had a 10 -inch penis. Yes, it turns out that there are only seven, which, in my experiences, is a good four inches more than anyone needs. - -That's good. -That? This is how you use it. Hey, I do it well! Cheer, Che? Well, you wouldn't know. Colin, right? Look, at the end of the day, it's just a two tape, you know, adults have consensual sex.

So why are we embarrassing Hulk Hogan? As, why do we embarrass someone? Because that is a real problem. I mean, why do the boys make fun of women for doing something we spent every night praying to do us? As, we have to stop making girls feel bad about having sex with random boys, or they will stop having sex with random boys. What are you going to? Idiots? Is that the world you want to live in? Millions of horny types repressed desperately by physical contact, never growing from their childhood, using costumes in their 30 years and fighting each of the others.

Oh my God. From there come wrestling fans. -What Hogan agreement bothers you so much? -Apena, as I have had my own sex tape for months and, as, I can't even afford, how to park my car in Manhattan. -Then, did you put a sex tape? -YEAH, and I can't get a single website, such as publishing, I'm not even asking for $ 100 million. I will take, as, 4 thousand dollars, like ... I alone, I don't want to have to leave my mother, you know, more in my mother's house. Conchame, Gawker. As ... -But, Pete, wouldn't it be unfair to the other person in the video with you? -This person.

Oh, that's why they are not publishing it. -Pete Davidson, all. -Spook it! -It's a good tape. -It's a good tape. -It's a good tape. -To this week, confirmation audiences are being held for Donald Trump's cabinet nominees, and here to solve them quickly in a new segment called "First Impressions" is Pete Davidson! -Hey, che. How are you? Very well, then, Donald Trump has made about 20 different selections for his cabinet, and the Democrats don't like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when each liberal in the United States said: "Come on, Mitt Romney!" Look, I don't know everything about politics, or anything, for the case, but I am a good judge of people based on my first impression.

So here we are going. For the attorney general, Trump chose Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions, a man who looks like Harry Potter Dobby wanted to be a real child. Next, we have the Treasury nominee: the worker of the genius bar of Apple Metroexual Steven Mnuchin. It is a type of Goldman Sachs with more than $ 1 billion. A long time ago, he said: "When I have $ 1 billion, women will have sex with me." And now he says: "Maybe a billion." The next is Trump's nominee for housing and urban development, Ben Carson. Trump believes that Carson should be in charge of the house because he lived in the projects when he was a child.

Actually? If you are an expert wherever you were born, does that mean that I could be secretary of the Honda Civic? Sorry, mom. For the Secretary of Commerce, the election is Wilbur Ross. I have heard this guy is a billionaire investor, but I'm quite sure I have seen him sitting in Jeff Dunham's lap. I knew I recognized it. -It looks like him. -Yeah. Trump's election for the Secretary of Labor is a guy called Andrew Puzder. If you have ever wondered how Michael Fassbender would look if he played Lex Luthor, don't ask anymore. Puzder was the C.E.O. by Hardee, and will now be in charge of all workers in the United States.

Do you know how I know it's a bad idea? Because this is the first time you listen to the word "Hardee" in 15 years. And then, Eric Trump is. You know, this guy is not in Trump's cabinet, but I couldn't resist. His hair says 1985, but his face shouts: "Put the lotion in the basket!" -Pet Davidson's first impressions, all! -Puple the lotion in the basket! The week of each week brings a new controversy for President Trump, as well as another person who has to defend him to the media. Here to solve them is Pete Davidson with his "first impressions." -Yeah! -What, all of you?

Defending President Trump is a really difficult job, and a couple of weeks ago, they took out this type: Trump spokesman and James Bond Stephen Miller's villain. Poor Steve. Try to project strength, but it seems that Fredo Corleone had been even more sick when he was a child. Still, you have to give you credit. It has gone quite far for a guy who was in high school voted "with the greatest probability of having a cigarette box full of driving licenses of missing girls." It lasted approximately one week. Then they arrived at White House Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is one of those sweet southern girls with which you get married if you are gay.

I like that. - -Asu now, the members of Congress try to defend Trump, as the head of the Supervision Committee of the House of Representatives, Jason Chaffetz. You probably remember when I played simple Jack of the movie "Tropic Thunder." Another person forced to defend Trump is Paul Ryan, who became the speaker of the House of Representatives after someone stirred a magical wand on a ventrilic doll. All Republicans wanted Paul Ryan to produce something to replace Obamacare. And now that he did, everyone hates him. And I know how this is, because for years, people have been asking me to renounce drugs and get sober.

And now that I have done it, everyone thinks I am fun and boring. And hey, at least I have dreams now and I began to wake up with lascaps again. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hard like a rock. -To Bight, man. -But nobody now, well, maybe it's not as good as yours, but whatever. I'm sorry. But, you know, I'm sorry. But nobody defends Trump better than Fox News, and starts every morning with "Fox & Friends." This is Donald Trump's favorite program, because they change for a new blonde every two years. And this year's model is Ainsley Earhardt, who seems to be with his father's friends who are still talking about how much he has grown.

Of course, the king of Trump's supporters is Sean Hannity. It looks like a thumb, which explains why it is so far from Trump's butt. You know, thank you. I hate him too. I guess Trump likes it because his hair is also really strange. And, as, the upper

part

of his head seems that two eyebrows lived his dream, like, like hair. -Ah, that's what it is! Pete Davidson, all! -Enging from time to time wake up with the souvenirs! -For "

weekend

update

", I'm Colin Jost! -O'm Michael Che. Good night! -Good night. Well, there has also been a national conversation this week about mental health.

Here to share your thoughts on this issue is Pete Davidson. -Hey! Thank you! Thanks guys. Oh thanks. Well, as some of you can know, I recently diagnosed a borderline personality disorder, a form of depression and depression affects more than 16 million people in this country, and there is no cure, per se, but for anyone in question with it, there are treatments that can help. First, if you think you are depressed, you know, consult a doctor and talk to them about medications and also be healthy. Eating well and exercising can make a big difference. And finally, if you are in the cast of a night comedy program, I could help if they, you know, make more of your sketches. -I'm sorry.

Wait. Are you saying that you are depressed because you don't have enough air time? -Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed. But I could make me feel better if I were more on television. -I-I don't know if this is perhaps the best solution, Pete. -Clanding in I want to say, it is worth shooting. I mean, come on. This show lasts 8 hours, and there are about 50 sketches per week. It seems strange that you do not use them to fight mental illness, but I suppose that is not your style. -Well. Alright. Well, maybe an approach could be to write more sketches for you, Pete. -I don't work.

My sketches stink because everyone is written by a depressed person. Lorne said that. -Well. -Well. So it's like a chicken and egg thing. -Exactly. In fact, "chicken and egg" was also one of my ideas of sketches that were rejected. It was a chicken that ate eggs, but it was also Black Lives Matter. -Is it sounds terrible. -Is. So I need you to write it to me. -Wait. Have you not even written? -No! I am, as, depressed! Look. Here. I have a doctor's note. -Oh, well. -I will read it. -Pen the air time? -Yeah. - - "Who corresponds, use Pete in more sketches where I can kiss the host.

And use more of your rap videos, which I hear are really good." "Also" - The man of this doctor, man. -Yeah. It sounds like a true doctor. -"In addition, I should play Rex Tillerson a lot. Signed, Pete Davidson's doctor." And there you have it. -You sound legitimate. That sounds like a legitimate ... ... doctor's note, Pete. In addition, alone, I would like to point out, Pete, that you do not look like Rex Tillerson. -So, give me a mask! Like what? It seems that a Muppet fell into a lake. And that is just one of the many jokes that you will see next week in the "first impressions" segment of Pete Davidson. -Pete Davidson, all. ♪♪