Weekend Update Rewind: Pete Davidson (Part 1 of 2) - SNL

I have a doctor's note. -Oh God. I'll read it - Because of the airtime? -Yeah. "To whom it may concern, use Pete in more skits where he kisses the host. And use more of his rap videos, which I hear are really good." ♪♪ -Last week, voters rejected Houston's Equal Rights Ordinance, which would have required businesses to allow transgender people access to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more on this is Pete Davidson. -Hey, how are you, Colin? Yeah, apparently this anti-discrimination law got shot down because some people claim it's just an excuse to let men into women's restrooms, you know?

The theory is that men, in their relentless quest to see women go to the bathroom, are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their name, their wardrobe, coming out to their family, all for the big payoff of peeing. in a room. no urinals. What is this fantasy that you think is going on there? No shirtless pillow fights. There is no disco ball. I grew up with a mother and sister, so I know a thing or two about sharing a room, like a bathroom with women. It sucks. No one wants to hang out there. Last week, I accidentally found my mom in the bathroom, and I don't think we'll talk to each other again.

Even if, for whatever reason, you're desperate to use the ladies' room, you don't need a sex change to do so. You can enter walking. There is no porter. The door is right there. Seriously, I've been using the ladies' room here to poop for the past two months. -Yes, actually we have received many complaints. -Yes, from me. It's dirty there. I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones. It seems that a man made of toilet paper was murdered there. "Then why do you keep using it?" -Because it's the only bathroom that has wi-fi, and Cecily has a beautiful singing voice.

That was my favorite line. Look, do you know why I'm not worried about a woman in the men's room? Because at every sporting event I've ever been to, a girl would barge in and say, "The line is too long. I'm peeing here." And guess what. It didn't ruin my pooping experience. If anything, it's the only reason I washed my hands. -Pete Davidson, everyone. -Earlier this month, courts ordered website Gawker to pay Hulk Hogan $140 million for posting the professional wrestler's sex tape without his consent. With more on this is Pete Davidson. -OK thanks. -Thanks, Mike. -You're welcome, Pete. - So, I understand that this was like an invasion of the Hulk's privacy and he deserved compensation.

But $140 million? Do you realize that Hulk Hogan is the highest paid porn star in the world... at $139 million? That means the court believes he lost $140 million in future earnings due to the damage this caused to his reputation. He's a senior citizen who used to grease himself up and pretend to fight immigrants in his underwear. What job opportunities has he lost? Plus, he even admitted that he knew he was being filmed, which I find hard to believe, because he's not that great of an actor. There's no way he's going to do a whole sex scene without pretending once his ass is knocked out and he has to put it together to finish the job.

Are you telling me that tape is more embarrassing than him playing Thunderlips in "Rocky III"? I think he's angry because this tape proved that he was lying when he said that he had a 10-inch penis. Yeah, it turns out it's only seven, which in my experience is a good four inches more than anyone needs. - -That's good. -That? It's how you use it. Hey, I do good! Right Che? Well, you wouldn't know. Colin, right? Look, at the end of the day, it's just a tape of two, you know, adults having consensual sex. So why are we shaming Hulk Hogan?

Like, why do we shame someone? Because that's a real problem. I mean, why do guys make fun of women for doing something we spend every night praying they'll do to us? For example, we need to stop making girls feel bad about having sex with random guys, or they will stop having sex with random guys. What are you going to? Idiots? Is that the world you want to live in? Millions of repressed horny guys desperate for physical contact, never out of childhood, dress up until they are 30 and play fight with each other... Oh my god. That's where wrestling fans come from. -But why does Hogan's arrangement bother you so much? - Because, like, I've had my own sex tape for months and, like, I can't even afford to park my car in Manhattan. - Did you put a sex tape? -Yeah, and I can't get a single website to publish, I'm not even asking for $100 million.

I'll take, like, 4 grand, like... I just... I don't want to have to leave my mom... you know, my car at my mom's house anymore. Hook me up, Gawker. Like… -But, Pete, wouldn't that be unfair to the other person in the video with you? -Another person. Ah, that's why they don't publish it. -Pete Davidson, everyone. -Google it! It's a good tape. It's a good tape. It's a good tape. -All this week, confirmation hearings for Donald Trump's cabinet nominees are taking place, and here to sort them out quickly in a new segment called "First Impressions" is Pete Davidson! -Hi Che.

How are you? Okay, so, Donald Trump has done about 20 different cabinet picks for him, and the Democrats don't like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when every liberal in America was saying, "Come on, Mitt Romney!" Look, I don't know everything about politics or anything, but I'm a pretty good judge of people based on first impressions. So here we go. For attorney general, Trump chose Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions, a man who looks like Dobby from Harry Potter and who wished he were a real boy. Next, we have the candidate for Treasury: metrosexual Apple Genius Bar worker Steven Mnuchin.

He's a Goldman Sachs guy who's worth over a billion dollars. A long time ago, he said, "When I have a billion dollars, women will have sex with me." And now he says, "Maybe a billion." Next up is Trump's candidate for Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson. Trump believes that Carson should be in charge of Housing because he lived in the projects when he was a child. Actually? If you're an expert where you were born, does that mean he could be Secretary of the Honda Civic? I'm sorry, Mom. For Secretary of Commerce, the choice is Wilbur Ross.

Heard this guy is a billionaire investor, but I'm pretty sure I saw him sitting on Jeff Dunham's lap. I knew he recognized it. -Looks like him. -Yeah. Trump's choice for Secretary of Labor is a guy named Andrew Puzder. If you've ever wondered what Michael Fassbender would look like if he played Lex Luthor, wonder no more. Puzder was the executive director. Hardee's, and now he's in charge of all the workers in America. You know how I know it's a bad idea? Because this is the first time you've heard the word "Hardee's" in 15 years. And then there's Eric Trump.

You know, this guy is not in Trump's cabinet, but I couldn't resist. His hair says 1985, but his face screams, "Put the lotion in the basket!" -Pete Davidson's "First Impressions", everyone! -Put the lotion in the basket! -Every week brings a new controversy for President Trump as well as another person who has to defend him before the media. Here to sort them out is Pete Davidson with "First Impressions" of him. -Yeah! - What's up, everyone? Defending President Trump is really tough work, and a couple of weeks ago, they brought out this guy: Trump spokesman and James Bond villain Stephen Miller.

Poor Steve. He tries to project strength, but it seems that Fredo Corleone had been even sicker when he was a child. Still, you have to give him credit. He went pretty far for a guy who was in high school and voted "He most likely has a cigarette box full of missing girls driver's licenses." It lasted about a week. Then they got to White House Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is one of those sweet Southern girls you marry if you're gay. I like that. - -So now members of Congress are trying to defend Trump, like the head of the House Oversight Committee, Jason Chaffetz.

You probably remember when he played Simple Jack in the movie "Tropic Thunder." Another person forced to defend Trump is Paul Ryan, who became Speaker of the House after someone waved a magic wand over a ventriloquist dummy. All the Republicans wanted Paul Ryan to come up with something to replace Obamacare. And now that he did it, everyone hates him. And I know how this is, because for years, people have been asking me to get off drugs and get sober. And now that I have it, everyone thinks I'm boring and unfunny. And hey, at least now I have dreams and have started waking up with boners again.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Hard as a rock. -Everything's fine man. -But now no one- Well, maybe not as good as yours, but whatever. I'm sorry. But, you know, I'm sorry. But no one defends Trump better than Fox News, and he starts every morning with "Fox & Friends." This is Donald Trump's favorite show, because they change for a new blonde every two years. And this year's model is Ainsley Earhardt, who seems to be hanging out with her dad's friends who won't stop talking about how much she's grown. Of course, the king of Trump supporters is Sean Hannity.

He looks like a thumb, which explains why he's so far up Trump's ass. You know - Thank you. I hate it too. I guess he likes Trump because his hair is weird too. And, like, the top of his head looks like two eyebrows got to live out their dream of, like, being hair. -Ah, so that's what it is! Pete Davidson, everyone! -I wake up with boners again! -For "Weekend Update", I'm Colin Jost! -I'm Michael Che. Good night! -Good night. Well, there's also been a national conversation this week about mental health. Here to share his thoughts on this topic is Pete Davidson. -Hey!

Thank you! Thanks guys. Oh thanks. Well, as some of you may know, I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a form of depression, and depression affects over 16 million people in this country, and there is no cure per se, but for anyone. dealing with it, there are treatments that can help. First of all, if you think you're depressed, you know, go see a doctor and talk to him about medication and also stay healthy. Eating right and exercising can make a big difference. And finally, if you're in the cast of a late-night comedy show, it might help if they, you know, do more of your sketches. -I'm sorry.

Wait. Are you saying you're depressed because you don't have enough airtime? - Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed. But it might make me feel better if I was on TV more. -I-I don't know if this is perhaps the best solution, Pete. -I mean, it's worth a try. Well then. This show is like 8 hours long and there are like 50 sketches a week. It seems strange that you wouldn't use one of them to combat mental illness, but I guess that's not your style. -Well. Alright. Well, maybe one approach could be to write more sketches for yourself, Pete. -That will not work.

My sketches suck because they are all written by a depressed person. Lorne said that. -Well. -Well. So it's kind of a chicken and egg thing. -Exactly. In fact, "The Chicken and the Egg" was also one of my sketch ideas that got rejected. It was about a chicken eating eggs, but it was also about Black Lives Matter. -That sounds horrible. -Is. So I need you to write it to me. -Wait. Haven't written yet? -No! I'm like depressed! Look. Here. I have a doctor's note. -Oh God. -I will read it. - Because of the airtime? -Yeah. --"To whom it may concern, use Pete in more skits where he kisses the host.

And use more of his rap videos, which I hear are really good." "Also" -- This doctor is good, man. -Yeah. He sounds like a real doctor. - "Also, he should play Rex Tillerson a lot. Signed, Pete Davidson's doctor." And there you have it. -That sounds legit. That sounds like a legitimate... ...doctor's note, Pete. Also, I'd like to point out, Pete, that you're nothing like Rex Tillerson. -Then give me a mask! Like what? It looks like a Muppet fallen into a lake. And that's just one of the many jokes you'll see next week in Pete Davidson's "First Impressions" segment. -Pete Davidson, everyone. ♪♪