Bill Maher DESTROYS the Media | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

And finally, New Rule, now that the campus protesters are finally packing up their tents and delousing their hair. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It's

time

for the

media

to admit that they blew the whole thing out of proportion, because as is always the case with the

media

these days, they don't cover what's most important, only what's most fun to watch. There are 15.2 million college students in the United States and 2,300 have been arrested. That's 167 of one percent. And half of those in New York weren't even students. But we were given the false impression that these protesters are the voice of their generation, having found a cause for which they were willing to go to the tents and barricades.

Oh please! These children are more violent when their team wins a championship. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) A survey of young people from Harvard showed it: they asked people between the ages of 18 and 29 what issues mattered most to them, and of 16 options, Palestine was 15. The vast majority simply wanted to do what they wanted to do. university for what they were in the first place. Experiencing being a lesbian. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -BILL MAHER: But... -(LAUGHTER) But when these kids sing "The whole world is watching," they're right! But only because you camera idiots won't show anything else. Isn't there a bear in a pool somewhere you should take cover? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) So, I thought of it as a public service, since it's very difficult to find reliable news these days.

Tonight, I'd like to offer some rules of thumb for trying to follow the news in our Modern Age. Starting with, if the headlines of your favorite news outlet regularly include words like "shreds", "

destroys

", "hits", "hits". Your output is partisan bullshit. Either that, or you're reading a Batman comic. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) The same goes for "erases", "assesses", "annihilates" and "possesses". You're supposed to be a source of information, not Nikki Glaser at the Tom Brady roast. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -Oh, she was good. Second, any news source that quotes "Internet" or writes "Twitter says" is a bunch of hackers too lazy to do

real

journalism.

You can pretend you wrote an article about the zeitgeist, but what you

real

ly did was look at your phone and quote the three angriest people with the most

time

on their hands. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Three, if your news outlet constantly boils down everything that happens in the world to who the president of the United States is, get rid of it. It is simply thoughtless and thoughtful team policy. Believe me, no one lighting a tire fire in Haiti is thinking, "I wouldn't have done this under Trump, but given the weakness of the Biden Administration, why not?" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Not all the problems in the world are caused by the president.

When that train derailed in East Palestine, it wasn't because Trump liberalized the brakes and the container ship didn't hit the bridge because of Biden's woke DEI agenda. These are not news, they are stories introduced into your bubble. Fourth, you always have to keep in mind that once news became a profit division of media companies, they were no longer in the business of news and are now in the business of cuddling the audience. The objective is no longer to inform opinions, but to reinforce them. Walter Cronkite used to say, "That's the way it is." Now it's, "That's our story and we're going to stick to it." (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) First the narrative, never the complete story.

On Fox, a Venezuelan migrant is always stabbing a white lady, and on NPR, where they stop attacking the rich long enough to beg for money... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) ...Jamaica is a paradise and Nebraska is a place forbidden. zone. NewsNation reported this year that the United States was on track to achieve a nearly 300 percent increase in measles cases. 300 percent? Wow! It seems like it could be millions. There were 35. Because they just want to manipulate you into clicking. Look, I have ten fingers, do you want to suddenly see me with 80 percent less? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Enough. Please. Well, five, never trust initial reports.

The media cares much more about being first than being right. They love the scoop, but it's a shitty scoop, because it always turns out to be wrong. This goes back to... Remember Columbine? Remember that? The first school shooting, where the shooters were widely reported to be members of a trench coat mafia? They were not. That they were being bullied? Is not true. And did they target athletes? There is no evidence of that. So they did everything right except everything. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -You know... (LAUGHTER) You have to worry about the truth. The media doesn't care because they know you don't care.

That you just want to hear your version. So at some point you have to step back, look around and be really honest. Are you really as screwed as your news feed tells you? Are you miserable? Some people are and we should help them. Are you homeless? Some people are, we should help them. But most people who take the subway make it to work alive. Most people don't fall out of a plane with a missing door. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Chances are you won't get bird flu during a school shooting, or live on the streets because a squatter took your home.

Be honest. Are you really that sad about the present? Sorry for the past and scared for the future? People come up to me a lot these days and say, "Bill, what are we going to do if he wins?" They didn't even have to say who, I know who they mean. The guy who always looks like he's jerking off two guys when he dances. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) (LAUGHTER) Thank you. Thank you. Fan favorite. Well, you know what? I don't know what we'll do if he wins, but I guess we'll keep living. Trump could blow up the world on the first day of his second term.

He is a dangerous, erratic, crazy, horrible person. And I would love to help him not get elected. But he didn't actually start World War III last time, destroy a hurricane, or trade Puerto Rico for Greenland. Of course-- -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -(LAUGHTER) Of course the aftermath is usually worse, but until he does it, I'm going to live my life and not the one the media wants me to live, hating half the country and shitting my pants 24/7. Is the sky really falling? I do not know, may be. And maybe it's just the door of a Boeing plane.