Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes (2010-12)

ladies and gentlemen Ricky Gervais hello hello and welcome to the 67th annual Golden Globe Awards live from Los Angeles I'm Ricky Gervais um thank you uh you probably know me as the creator of the office no no no do you think Steve? Carell is brilliant, isn't he Steve Corral? He is amazing as the bumbling office manager. Where does he get his ideas from? Let's play the game, pay him hundreds of millions of dollars and put him in every movie if you can't be willing to go to the movies. to see Steve in action so um just watching maybe Thursday here on NBC of the showers jump the shark a little bit um this is what some of the forums said so um watch the original fridays or get the box set there it's still available so um just just 12 episodes in a special quality, not quantity, that's what counts so go ahead and get it.

I will make the most of this opportunity. I'm not used to these types of audience figures. Let's face it, you know NBC, so a serious note. Just looking at all the faces here reminds me of the great work the cosmetic surgeons have done this year. You all look great. They did a little work for me. They put implants in my cheeks, they put them there, which is annoying and I, uh, they did a penis reduction, now I just had one, that's enough and it's very small, but so are my hands, so which when I'm at home it looks pretty big and let's face it, I usually hold it up, um, but I wish I was doing that now instead of this to be honest, but it's normal to be here, in a room full of what I consider the most important people on the planet, actors, they are simply better ordinary people.

It is not like this? We all know. Imagine a world without actors. Oh God, he can't bear to think about it. Imagine if I ever went on strike. What would we do? You couldn't replace them. You couldn't replace them. With any other profession, lawyers or doctors, can you imagine a real surgeon doing what Hugh Laurie does internally? He would be pathetic, he would be everywhere we go, where am I? How's my American accent? What are my lines? Know? signal with the help of trainers who can eventually learn these lines while saving lives. He is a genius.

How could you replace Kiefer Sutherland on 24? I'd love to see a real counterterrorism agent try to defuse a bomb in a busy train station in one. time, some of those scenes, by the way, where Kiefer grabs him and beats him to a pulp, they weren't even in the script, the director just said, keep going, we're working so that the actors aren't just loved here In Hollywood, they are. I loved them all over the world because they are recognizable. You can be anyone. You could be in the third world. It's okay, and you get a glimpse of a Hollywood star and it makes you feel better.

Okay, you might be a little kid. An Asian boy. no possessions or money, but you see a picture of Angelina Jolie and think mom is a foreigner, let's move on before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno, um, and well, right? We've had, uh, we've seen some. worthy winners and some not so worthy Lester no, I'm not going to mention them now, am I? I will do it on my blog at Ricky germains.com. I've received thousands of emails in the last few days saying why oh. Why wasn't The Invention of Lies nominated? I don't know, I just don't know, maybe the DVD will win the prize that comes out Tuesday at Walmart, so go buy it.

One thing you can't buy is an officially Golden Globe. I'm not going to do this again anyway, but if you bought one, the man to watch would be Philip Burke. The next category contains a couple of Legends, one of which we've already seen fellow Brett, Sir Paul McCartney. good luck to him, I shouldn't be biased, but we actually came on the same flight. I couldn't talk to him because I was up front in first class and he was behind me in coach, saving money. I went through a lot last year. I don't think we have to feel too sorry for him, he's doing well.

I'm one thing, um, the serious thing now, um, the Golden Globes are shown all over the world, it doesn't take into account color or Creed. It not only celebrates talent, it celebrates difference, crushes prejudices and stereotypes. A stereotype I hate is that all Irish people are just drunk. We all know that writers get too much credit in Hollywood and that's because of the generosity of the actors who sometimes mention them. I mean, but what would writers do without actors? I don't want to continue talking about actors, but they are the most important. Okay, it's not the words you say, it's how good you look when you say them, everyone knows that and the best thing about actors is that they want to keep moving forward, their chameleons are constantly changing and leaving the past behind, please, welcome Rachel, friends and that guy from 300. hello, calm down, calm down, we are in the final stretch, the next presenter is an award-winning actress with special powers when she died the day she used her powers of seduction to conquer James Bond in X-Men. she used her powers to control the elements on Catwoman, she used the power to be able to wash everywhere and outside, how are you okay?

Greetings, I've had a couple. I'm not going to lie to you now, listen, um. Don't offend anyone. I didn't mean it's not my fault, there are a lot of powerful people here, so if I said it was honestly, I like to drink as much as the next person, unless Mel Gibson is next. The presenter is not only one of the best actors in Hollywood, he is also one of the coolest men in the world. I don't have anything bad to say about him, mainly because he has arms as big as my legs. Please welcome the incredible Mickey Rourke, thank you very much.

He congratulates all the winners and if he could make one wish it would be peace on Earth. I can't change that. I want everyone to watch the Ricky Dubai show on HBO live from the beginning. Build the Beverly Hilton Hotel International Ballroom. Welcome to the 68th Annual Golden Glove Awards and now your host for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Ricky Gervais, thank you hello and hello, welcome to the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. It's going to be a night of partying and heavy. drinking, oh, what Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast, wow, wow, so let's get this straight, what he did was, uh, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced him to his ex-wife like you do , uh, uh, he went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in a closet and, that was a Monday, what did he do?

Either way, New Year's Eve welcome the Golden Globes is a celebration of the best of television and movies from the past year. voted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association it was a great year for 3D movies Toy Story Despicable Me Tron it seems like everything this year was three dimensional which is in the tourist um I feel bad about that joke I don't I won't tell you what I'm jumping on the bandwagon because I haven't even seen the tourist that has um, but no, he must be good because he's nominated, so shut up, okay, and I'd like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason why that the tourist was. nominated was so the Hollywood foreign press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, that's nonsense, that's not the only reason they took bribes too, no, all that happened was some of them were taken to see share in concert, how the hell?

Is it a bribe? Do you really want to go see Cher? No, why not? Because it's not 1975. There are plenty of big movies that weren't nominated this year, nothing for Sex in the City either. I know that I was sure that the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that retouched that poster. Well, good job girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you on an episode of Bonanza. Not nominated either. I love you, Philip Morris, Jim, Jim Carrey and Euro McGregor. two straight actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of a famous Scientologist, so my lawyers probably helped me with the wording of that joke, they're not here.

Okay, there have been new TV dramas this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead. So, yes, speaking of The Walking Dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who was marrying the beautiful 24-year-old Crystal Harris at the age of 84. When asked why she married him, she said because she lied about her age. I was 94. Oh come on, don't worry, wait and just don't look at it when you touch it. I warned him. One of the biggest events on television this year was the finale of I Lost One of My Favorites. and all the questions were answered, yeah, I have to say, although it was a pretty complicated ending, I'm not sure I totally understood it, but from what I can understand, I'm pretty sure the fat guy understood them all, huh, I think .

Moving on, our first host is beautiful, talented and Jewish, apparently Mel Gibson told me he's obsessed. Please welcome Scarlett Johansson. You know our next movie host as Hudson Hawk. Look who's talking. Mercury ascending. Color of the night. Fifth Element. War of hearts please welcome Ashton Kutcher's father Bruce Willis, sometimes Hollywood gives you Outrageous Fortune quickly. Next, Eva Longoria has the difficult task of introducing the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I just had to help him out of the bathroom and knock out his teeth. it was messy please welcome Eva I love Gloria ladies and gentlemen please welcome Hollywood Foreign Press president Philip Burke foreigner thank you Eva and Ricky next time you want me to help you rate your movies go with someone else guy, okay, I love this next presenter.

How cool, he's the star of Iron Man, Two Girls and a Boy, Wonder Boys, sorry, these porn movies, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Bowfinger, really, yeah, at the Academy, come on, he's made all those movies, but many of you in this room probably know him. The best of facilities like the Betty Ford Clinic and the Los Angeles County Jail, welcome Robert Downey Jr., aside from the fact that he's been tremendously mean with slight shades of Leaf Sinister. I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far. Don't you think so? I consider myself something of a veteran and I've done a study on this.

Tell me if I'm wrong. I don't know if an actress can do her best work until I've slept with her. Julianne told her I was working with new, strange feelings that confused me, Angie, only for her to leave me mid-shoot like it never happened. Annette or casually mentioned that her boyfriend was coming to visit the place because he misses her and what they have is real, so have the nerve to invite me to join them for a three-person dinner and why now I'm not trying to scare anyone, but where is Emma? I think I got something first, it's like a blue Valentine. thing, but it's not age appropriate now.

I'm not saying my theory doesn't hold up, but somehow all of these women put on exquisite performances without a lick of help from me, so I guess I'm just saying that if I could, I would. give it to all five not at once the award right here in the center of the stage in front of my wife the audience and millions of viewers our next presenters are two of the funniest people in America she stole the show on Saturday Night Live and He then went on to create, write and design his own show 30 Rock, he was a working actor, his career wasn't going that well if I'm totally honest, who got his big break when I cast him in a remake of a show I created called the office you are in now. leave that show and kill a source of income for both of us, please welcome the wonderful Tina Fey and The Ungrateful Steve Carell.

I love it, it never gets old for you, not as Golden Globe winners, but as writers, we don't change the channel, we're still here. stars, but as stars who are also writers, it gives us great pleasure to honor the nominees for best screenplay, scripts that we could have written if we had had time like the mountaineer, I would have given my right arm to have written that there is a story about a lesbian couple , a lesbian couple, oh, there is a long and complicated science fiction thriller starring Leonardo DiCaprio, similar to My Dreams, Mine, there is also the story of King George VI of Great Britain and, finally, the real story of the Social networks and how they ruin our lives.

Ability to interact one on one. I heard about that movie on Facebook through a friend. I never met the presenters. A thin young man with hair and teeth. They're lovely to look at, which is better because they're handing out the prize. for best foreign language film a category that no one in the United States cares about please welcome Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson Jeremy Irons here are the nominees for best supporting actress in a film okay, what can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor. producer, writer and director whose films have grossed more than three and a half billion dollars at the box office.

He has won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for The Powerful He andvaried starring performances in films such as Philadelphia Forrest Gump Castaway Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan the. the other is Tim Allen, well like many of you, we remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby but very nice comedian, yes, neither of which he is now. Hello and welcome back. The next presenter is a National Treasure, Miss Congeniality. Earth Girl Next Door first stole our hearts as a bus driver and then as a railroad fair collector. Now, of course, you wouldn't see her dead on public transportation because she just told me backstage, poor people are disgusting and smelly, please welcome Sandra.

Foreign Bullock thank you very much that's all um well done Justice thank you all in space for being good sports thank you NBC thank you Hollywood Foreign Press um thank you for watching at home and thank God for making me an atheist thank you 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards foreign ladies and gentlemen Ricky Gervais Ed so where was I um nervous? Don't worry, this isn't about you, right? Hello, I'm Ricky Gervais and welcome to the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles, as voted on by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

Tonight you'll be hosting Britain's biggest comedian. the second largest awards show in the world on the third largest network in the United States, so that's four, that's four. None of you know that the Golden Globes are like the Oscars, but without all that esteem, the Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate. Middleton is basically a little louder a little trashier a little drunker and easier to buy um supposedly nothing has been proven but who needs the Oscars, not me and not Eddie Murphy, he abandoned it, said no and good for him him, but when the man who said yes Norbit says no, you know you're in trouble.

I love Eddie Murphy. He loves to dress up, isn't he versatile? He is versatile. No, it's a bit trivial for you. movie The Help and that brilliant I can't believe they're not here or maybe they're playground kids, they could be now, the Hollywood foreign press has warned me that if I insult any of you or any of them or offend any viewer or causes any controversy, they will definitely invite me back next year and they actually gave me a list of rules. I'm going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out loud, okay, this is real, okay, no bad words, okay.

I have a huge vocabulary, there's no nudity, look, it's a shame because I have a huge vocabulary, um, but a small penis, no, no, it's true, it doesn't matter, I don't care, it works, don't worry, it's fine. okay, I don't know anything clever or innuendo and I'm not responsible for anyone and I shouldn't mention Mel Gibson this year eh, nor his private life, his politics, his recent films and especially not Jody Foster's beaver, um, I don't I've done. I have seen it myself. I've talked to a lot of guys here, they haven't seen it either, but that doesn't mean it's not good.

I'm sorry. I don't mind. It's been an incredible year in show business. It is not all. It has been good news. What's with all the divorces? What's going on? Me Arnold and Maria JLo and Mark Anthony Ashton and Demi Kim Kardashian and a guy no one will ever remember. It wasn't, it wasn't. Long 72 days, a marriage that lasted 72 days. I've sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches than that other celebrity scandal. Justin Bieber almost had to take a paternity test. What a waste of evidence that would have been. No, he is not the father. The only way he could have gotten a girl pregnant was. if you borrowed one of martha stewart's old turkeys abroad it's been a big year for women in movie bridesmaids one of my favorite comedies of the year yes the girls finally prove they can be just as raunchy like men who fart, belch, curse, and perform wild sexual acts. even pooping in the sink.

In fact, I heard during a search that the car spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren. She's terrible, honestly, you don't see it, you don't see much of it because she has good PR, but she's out of line, uh, but the Golden. The Globes aren't just about movies, they also celebrate the best of television, as well as new shows like the incredible Homeland, which is simply amazing, and returning shows like Boardwalk Empire. I love that show, it's great, for those who don't know. about a bunch of immigrants who came to America about 100 years ago and engaged in bribery and corruption and worked their way into high society, but enough of the foreign jokes from the Hollywood foreign press.

I love them and they are good sports to invite. I came back and what I didn't know is that they do so much for charities and their non-profit, like NBC, so thank you, if we go ahead this time last year, our first host was the biggest movie star of the planet. but I insulted his movie The Tourist, which caused his career to plummet to the point where he was forced to work with me on my new show Life's Too Short, which premieres on HBO on February 19. Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything, Timber, he says. to Johnny Depp just because I want to ask you a question, it's real, you can have some, just checking, yeah, um, and be honest, are you taking recreational drugs?

I'm kidding, no that's not the question and we all know the answer, um, are you ready? I guess so, have you seen the tourist yet? uh uh no, that's right, it's been five minutes already. I don't know, it's your fault. I was direct. I just checked it. Okay, professional, keep your speeches short, you don't need to thank everyone. that you have ever met or members of your family that have done nothing about it, just do the main two, your agent and God, they are the two, I am grateful because in my opinion I know for a fact that both God and my agent had exactly the same amount of contributions in my career, so that should be done for our next category, we have two presenters, one is in the big world here Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol and the second, as we have heard, was done by Mark in the comedy. this summer defecating in a sink incredibly, that's even less degrading than what most of you have done to make it in showbiz, please welcome Melissa McCarthy and Paula Patton.

Oh, it's going well, isn't it? They are much better than last year's audience. no, they are the right stick up the ass, thank you. Well, there is a pecking order here. Television on the edge. Movie stars in the middle. Our next presenter is weird. He managed to move from behind when he was in the ER to write. the front becoming one of the biggest stars in the world if he becomes more popular or more handsome he will host this puppy next year here he is the Clone Master General Giorgio Pluto Golden Globes on NBC okay our Next presenter is the Queen of Pop, don't come out and sit down, she's all woman.

I'll give you some clues, she's always Vogue, she's a material girl and she's like a virgin, please welcome Madonna, if I'm still like a virgin, Ricky, then why not? Don't you come here and do something about it? I haven't kissed a girl in a few years on foreign television. Oh hello, keep going. I can't wait to introduce you to our next presenters. It's Salma Hayek and Antonio Bandera, so you can. See why I'm excited. I've loved his work for many years and I just got to talk to him for the first time, so I made it up.

They are ridiculously beautiful specimens, they are extremely talented and probably very interesting. I'm not sure why I can't welcome Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas oh almost almost almost um it's so good to have a job where you can get drunk and say whatever you want and still get paid it's just amazing to me um our next presenter is British like me, but unlike me, he won the Oscar for his brilliant performance in The King's Speech. He also swooned over women. I don't see it, I don't have any good luck with it. He is also loved by critics, oh good for him, but what you don't know about him is that he is very racist Harry in private, I mean really nasty things, he too I have seen him hit a blind kitten, please tell him welcome to the evil Colin Firth, um, as I was on my way and I noticed some very angry religious people outside with big signs threatening us all with brimstone and pestilence and asking for our sins which what they don't realize is that we have Ricky, It was last year, our next presenter won both.

Golden Globe and Oscar for her brilliant performance in Black Swan this year she took time off to have a baby, consequently, she has been nominated for nothing but really pathetic, but she has learned that valuable lesson that, as you already knew , they never put family first, please welcome. the very silly Natalie Portman thank you that's all um congratulations to all the nominees uh another one isn't uh thank you so much for coming and I hope you enjoyed the goodie bags and the champagne and the gold. I hope that took your mind off it. recession for a little while thanks good night