Joey Diaz | This Past Weekend #124

on the stage. I'm taking it to the hoop, we don't have time to smack your ass. I remember you told me that there is a big eye and I saw it too. There is a big star. game he and Pistol Pete played together, still Pete was the best, that was my dog, that's how it was when I played with black, yeah that was the thing about the pistol, yeah he was the first why I could Play with black, play with black with a white mind. but black, the dribble, yeah, it wasn't fast, I mean, he asked him to look up, he'll run the 40 in two days, yeah, it took him two days together, bring lunch, you gotta bring wine because he used body movements black to shake you, do you hear? that white guy, hey, he had a shake and the dribble, there's a scene where he sees Julius Erving and he fakes Bob Mackadoo and he just throws it behind his back, that one was his, yeah, so when that all-star game just they made a mistake, they put a white guy they put a black guy who was dressed like a white guy from the NBA, yeah, and he just picked them up, it was just his game, you know, if there is, and if you look at it, He only had four assists.

I read that Box's process that, but he look what he was doing that game, the beautiful Pistol Pete, oh yeah, blacken him, yeah, that's that black culture, that's half of what I have. I can't, that's why they can never read me. Half of what I do is black, a little bit Chinese, a little bit Santeria, yes, a little bit Jewish. I'm a dog, you're nine percent Halloween, yeah, and I do doubles, man, are you with a football flower, what the hell is the devil's night like? Pat,

this

Halloween is for kids. Devil's mailboxes, you have a full one. moon in your brother yeah all the demons you weren't supposed to stab for the next year you got a party those are the originals oh really oh yeah old school was when you hit someone in the head with a pipe, wow, that was it. getting pissed off about Devil's Night thirty-eight Devil's Night and he sweet next year is like Goodluck Chinese is like the year the Chinese rah you know I was in China a guy Saw a guy pick his nose and give it to a brother cat and the cat ate it and it was like but that's China, you know, China is like a thing, you're walking with your friend, he dies.

They make a soup, a couple of people eat in teams and no one goes, no one knows nothing and the boys have the honor of dying and being part of it. I passed out Trevor one week, what do you think he loved me, man? You know, but they are like they were forwards. move places like you can't get citizenship there, you know, like no one comes to China, like China does its own thing, they're ready to take over the world, but not in a bottom-up way, like I don't think they are. . It doesn't seem like people are thinking in a military sense they're like we're Chinese we're proud you know we keep moving forward you need something built right there we'll build it we'll build it a hundred tall stories you know it doesn't matter we'll die nine times we'll be reincarnated whatever let's have to do to keep it moving, communist, how many minutes did it last, keep it moving three, three nights, you left alone, it was great, yeah.

We went there and they got a group there called, we saw Cinna Senay productions or whatever promotion they do. It's cool, they flew me first class and took me to all the beautiful places, bro, in all the states, through some of the moated hotels. So expensive I couldn't even sleep, you know, like 600 dollars. I'm going to stay up and watch some money go by, you know, at least enjoy walking around the room,

this

thing is $600 a night, you know, they had like nine lights. switches there it's like a I don't know where it was, it's a problem, you can spend 40 minutes just turning on all the lights, crazy, it's man, it gets really interesting, let's take another couple of calls if you don't mind, I have a piece and you we'll take you home or we'll take you out you got it let's do it he said oh we with some good advice or some suggestions I can give my wife for her first psychedelic trip I appreciate it man I love you guys whoa it's like living in a Aquarius, you see that guy right there.

The first thing a psychedelic trip does is for her wife, for her wife, just make it easy, but then with her, once she's, ah, yeah, oh, wait. I think you told me a story about this one. Yeah, when my first wife in San Francisco in '85 we took the Grateful Dead's ass and went to a party. I was very kind to her. You said her stepfather was at the airport. I kept everything about Don't you have to pick up your father? at the airport let's go then she would go what time is she going to arrive?

I mean I had this poor girl going and then there was a Bruce Lee poster on the wall and I kept looking at Bruce Lee and I said, don't say that in his dog don't say those doors wouldn't look at me like what is he saying I don't listen I don't put to that girl that's the girl I wrote the letter to so I bet you dead once I get it we lived in San Francisco, we, I lived in Haight Ashbury and I was just a professional thief during the day, I worked as a bar two nights a week at Rock and Robbins, yes, but there were all these Cuban refugees selling nickel bags and I was.

The interpreter, my job was to go to John in the city of Japan, whatever mm-hmm, and I handed out traveler's checks, mm-hmm, so that they could bring me stolen traveler's checks, and they couldn't do it because they were Cuba. I don't know the language, right, I'd take a $50 traveler's check, I'd pay about four hours and then they give me 46 and they'll change me, oh wow, that's old school and traveler's checks, you can, you could, if we take some time, understand again What you do with traveler's checks. You go to the bank for $1,000 with the traveler's checks you go to your hotel room I'll go kick the door down I take the traveler's checks I'll give you five and then you get another thousand because they would guarantee that everyone could be robbed to death in the old days hmm , it was a scam, so I would go with you, come on, we have 520, let's buy some traveler's checks, you have to file a police report, but then they will give you, it was a lot easier in 85, right now.

Now you probably have to get a finger test and look at the DNA, but back then there were no American Express traveler's checks, yeah, I remember hearing about this on TV, how can you forget one night we were in some Cuban guys house and we were still on the couch and she was sitting there with me and this Cuban guy goes not for nothing but your wife doesn't say much I go she's deaf eh she wasn't deaf she just didn't speak Spanish oh yeah so a guy look I say he's all drugged and he says: I don't know if you know this.

I work with deaf people in Cuba, right, oh, right, look, she says I speak to him and the language of death and he says and makes all these noises and and she looks at me, I go, she says, what am I doing? I go, I just make some signs to hang up, then with him and she says, and he doesn't mean, he looks at me, she says. I've never studied that laugh, what are you missing? your first wife there were some interesting things about her yeah we were kids yeah we were kids me kids it's funny we were kids we were in love you know yeah the kid loved that young love it's a 21 22 yeah , she just went somewhere and she grew up and I didn't, that's what happened, but the truth is, yes, she grew up and I didn't.

She wasn't the kind of person you want to be around back then, yeah, yeah, there are little things I missed, she was from Buffalo. No, Buffalo, no one made a wing like her, huh, she made wings and a ride and she made blue cheese dressing from scratch with Corona beer, you never saw them and I was looking delirious, this is way before stand-up Tommy, I did would rent. videos and watch and she cooked those wings and made thousands of wings and walked she was a great lady and we have a great daughter together you know I don't talk to her but she is in my thoughts God gave me a second chance, yes, and it's because that I have to go out because I have to go see you, we tied more smoothly than the whole field, yeah, let's be happy, I came here to see you, man, I fell in love with you a long time ago and now I'm happy because my senses were right I picked three winners I picked a lot of guys I picked you I picked Kail I picked Dean Del Ray You know you guys are hustlers, you're honest I got to see that comedy store You know it lets you see I I've seen a lot of people faking the funk Up there, man, yeah, you see it, yeah, do you think you really see people going up there who want us to do it wrong, you watch them from the back of the room.

Tommy still has a lot of different angles, he teaches you. How to be many things, yes, but what you get most is the camaraderie that you and I have, we couldn't have a better camaraderie, we came out of the same moment, this is real, yes, this is real, I cheer you on, yes. saying that when you came to see me do the left leg special you paid out of your pocket you encouraged me yes that's something that people do real comics, a lot of comics hey, I love you, I love this job Shh, I've heard to feel like you know you.

I don't have to say that, you don't have to say it now, that doesn't mean anything, yes, I know who is thinking about yes, and I know who will be the only one who will be there temporarily and I know who will be with me until the end. I know the person who comes up to me and says at the end bro, I joked, that was rude. I know you mean it. I also know the person who comes up and says Theo, you were great. I'm dying here when you pass by him like the southern sack of yes, you know he survives at the Comedy Store, you were great, when you passed by, he's a piece, he probably exploded, someone's not going to have a that's the other angle, like that that you have to learn to deal with all that. a comic and remember to be the most important things, I'm a man, yes, I became a comic, this rude Ellen, what men we have to act like a man, yes, I think it's one thing that I know like that, don't you you eat, somehow covertly like you know, I think you instill that like you know, even just listening to yourself tell your stories, knowing that you know how to recognize that you get a second chance with some things with some familiar things and like you know that those things are like you know low key like inspiring you know because you know yeah you know for me personally you know I live in some of those worlds and I just feel like you know scared and nervous but you know yeah I know you do buddy you always made me. feel like I have a friend and I have someone who cares and I like you know if I'm friends with you until the end of my life and it would be an honor for me you know no this is it listen man I lost God He took my family away from me, he showed me the gift. of friendship, yes, and the gift of friendship is beautiful, people just misuse it, yes, miss handler, and they don't know how to handle it, yes, you have acquaintances, you have friends and you have people that you live and breathe for, I breathe for you, I breathe. family I breathe the cake Quigley Joe Rogan I'm going to be scared I'll take that bullet in the store Tommy and I'll shoot you 12 times you ruin it Ari Shaffir you betcha yeah you'll mess with Duncan I put a bullet that's what I'll shoot you dead, you play the red band, I'll personally send you to Mars, I'll call someone who likes people in the fire for a living, the $5,000, you Franco Frankie babies, you have no idea what it's like to live to breathe for someone.

Yeah, everything in this town of Hollywood is amazing, and you're not, so when it changes, you know, you're looking for someone who's afraid of something and I have to hate Theo. No, that's not how it works. I have known Theo for 20 years. I'm going to back the right if something happens to me in an Asian they fire me and that and I'm with that agency and heaven, I would fire that agent, yeah, because they don't back his people, that's what we don't have anymore. and he really moves you, try it and I'm still with them, yeah what are you talking about?

Yes, but we live in a society here where we have nothing, we will only have friends as attractive as our career becomes mmm. If we get hot then they talk to you I don't want you to talk I want you to talk to me when I was broke yeah, those are the people I talked to today, the people who were my friends when I went up to comics trongo field leave me $3 so I can get a gram of coke I got 17 you gave me three I get a 20 I give you three forever man I love you baby two men down here I would drive here for anyone else yeah we I appreciate it, we have a lot of young listeners that love you.

I have this hat too, man, my maid, it's from a company for my friends called hooded hats, but they make amazing hats and no one else has that hat. The man says when West. Hollywood Comedy Store, that is, is unique. I love you man, thank you. Come on, I love you, thanks for inviting me. Yes, I'll see you soon like this. I thought it would take me little time to sell. that handbrake and I left