Bill Burr's Issues With The Airline Boarding Process | CONAN on TBS

madison square guard, I mean, things have been going so well for you, it's exciting, yes, these tours you're doing are very popular, the last one, the tour is called 50. Yes sir, you're 50, do you feel different at the moment? Is it the 50s? Yeah, no, I turned 50 and decided to call for a tour. I'm doing the opposite of all the people who like botox and hair plugs and try to look 22 for the rest of their life. you know when you really just know they don't look good yeah you know you're saying why not pretend just hug him hug you your eyes water when you look at them my wife is always looking like those real housewives and stuff and just They look exhausted, they're like they're there, you know, it always reminds me of when Brett Favre played in the Vikings, yeah, it was like retiring, man, you're in the hall of fame, yeah, yeah, it's over and those women.

It's like, you had your moment, you were beautiful and it's over, some people complain, you don't remember when you were a kid, you went to the club and there was this older person hanging out with that creep, yeah, that's what you're doing, that is what you're doing 50 is not the new 40. it's 50. okay, I have to go see the doctors, yes, they have to draw my blood, so I feel young physically but mentally, like when I watch TV, I makes you feel old. you feel old from watching tv oh well music there are no more guitar solos and then for some reason with all this technology millennials if you take a full water bottle you throw it in the air and it falls upright , they run out of the room like they just saw a witch, everyone's like, oh, they just leave, it's like you really have virtual reality goggles, you're playing all these video games and everything that someone has to do, I mean , it's like a game like Tom Sawyer would have played. it's things so I'm like I'm not, I'm not ridiculing it it's like wow, I can't relate to this, you can't relate to that, yeah, you know your show is for the family that I identify with.

It's because it's about parenting in the '70s and that was when I was raised like you, what do you think of parents now? How do you compare them to parents from the 70s? Oh, it's completely because kids have so much power, it's ridiculous. Like half of these kids, I look and I just have what happened to me and I'm like looking at a kid and being like this kid is about to get kicked in the grocery store and it never happens, right? they just don't hit them and I think it's hurting you you're a man wait a minute it's not like he has this you're mad because the kids aren't being uh this should be the threat of it half of it was just that look it was just that your Dad was acting like he was going to do it, he never did, but your mom did and because she was still a woman, it was okay because it was like, hey, you let a girl hit you.

You felt a little emasculated, yeah, we had a rule like actually a lot of the things that I watched as a kid that actually made sense in some way would now be considered abuse I guess, like when I was a kid if you didn't finish your dinner as we called it dinner, yes, yes, my mother would say, well, you're going to finish, she would just wrap it in cellophane and you would continue where you left off for breakfast as if it were a blue-collar job like taking the shovel out of the hole and starting. to dig again, so yeah, I remember one night we had cube steaks, which is like one of the toughest pieces of meat.

I don't know if you guys are all like that. Asian infused wagyu beef, everyone is eating that crap now but the cube steak was like they literally had to hit it with a hammer to make it edible and we were eating cube steaks and I thought my little brother was still in a high chair and he couldn't finish his, so my mom was fine, we're just going to have to eat it for breakfast and that was like eight hours away, which was like half his life, so he said he was okay, I'll take that deal so next morning we remember we were eating waffles.

My mom always made breakfast on Sundays, so we had all these waffles, eggs, bacon. All this design. My brother was looking at half-eaten cubed steaks and a little mound of green bean casserole and he walked away and looked at my mom and says mom, can I have a waffle and she says no, you have to finish your dinner. My dad without looking up took a glass full of milk and threw it in his face I swear to God this is what kills me we are killing everyone today to have a childhood as miserable as yours no but it was something funny just us I know the funny thing was my mom showed up and immediately started cleaning and my dad kept eating like he didn't like it, like the muffins were defined back then, now the guy has to throw away the milk he has to clean up while telling him . his wife she's brave for just sitting there whatever you hear it oh oh I know women are so overrated right, we went through what we went through tonight, we went from not listening to them to now it's just, it's just you know, It's just that it's ridiculous like that, he believes in women, he's like all of them, how about how about 85?

I'll give you 87, okay, but those last 13, which open your car, set you on fire, and put a family pet in a pot of stew, who put it? a pen and a pot of stew glenn's clothes that's okay, i think it was a separate thing, you know what i miss, i miss, yeah, tougher parenting and evidence, those are the things i missed from my childhood, evidence, yes, you mean due

process

, right? says something happened and then someone else says well, I said it happened this way, like on the old gumshoe shows, so they had to figure it out, yeah, that doesn't exist on social media now, that's right, so it's just border justice , right, you feel how? nervous everyone just got here the fact that i just suggested there should be due

process

this guy is talking crazy he just joined isis who agreed but didn't agree when it counted we can't add digitally to wu don't you worry, we have the courting machine, you are too angry, 50 is still relatively young, you have the anger of a 110 year old man, all these phones, I can't argue, you can't argue, I can.

I don't argue that you know in the last segment you know that there are a lot of things that you worry about, you know and you've always been that way. I've known you for a long time. You worry about things that You're getting happy when he was four, he was like things were better when I was three worlds, now hay days are my two culprits as charged, yeah, oh, so here it is The thing, here's the thing, are you now that you're playing Madison Square Garden? You have all these fans, you are extremely successful, comedian, can you enjoy your success now?

Can you have a little fun with the fact that you are a success? Yes, I enjoy it, but you still know the nightmare. of my existence is that I let the little things bother me by downloading new operating systems, you know, I bring a lot of tension into the house according to my wife, yeah, yeah, one thing I've noticed, we're always working on me, you know, like my wife is obviously a finished work like under the glass of a museum and I am like that building that has scaffolding around it for seven years no, she is, she is a saint for putting up with me, I know, but the last thing she told me It's me that's driving me crazy.

I spent 20 years in the back of the plane being treated like an animal and I finally made it to the front of group one of the plane, which means you board like it's your plane, sure, you can board, yes, yes, you sit down. a chair that's the size of a human being there's a place for your bag yeah yeah right you get a little hot towel and everything and then the moment I understand that suddenly now there's like these 20 groups that are as pre-

boarding

now. Like half the plane qualifies and they're

boarding

and I just sit there like I lose my you know, it starts off like it's like anyone in uniform, anyone in the military, so okay, okay, but then , like the 20th guy, Just start saying: Have you seen any action?

Anyone with children, anyone with disabilities, and then anyone with a red shirt. Hey, it's Tony Tuesday. Anyone named Anthony can come up. I sat there once and watched this guy get on the plane. He wasn't in uniform He didn't have kids He had all his limbs He didn't limp He didn't have a cough He just walked on the plane It's like who is that guy How did I do before that guy? No, I always hated the anxiety of being in the back of the plane. I just remember the worst thing is when you took your seat and sat there, ready to close the door and you had that empty seat next to you.

You like the poor guy's first class and you say: Oh, I'll raise the armrest. I can actually be cool and suddenly some fat bastard climbs up on the black rock and you're like, "No, no, literally." they are like quint at the end of the jaws like sliding, I swear to God this is all true this guy came up he was so fat he was sitting next to me I was literally next to him and behind him he tried to make himself smaller and he likes to cross his arm and his bib came out like you already know that stuff from the old western saloon, so yeah, yeah, that motivates you to try to take you all these years, 20 years, you work your way to the front and now I still won't let you, huh, now that fat guy is considered disabled because he can't stop eating, so he starts looking at me growling. 90% of the world is dying of hunger.

That guy eats a salad and gets on the treadmill like the rest of us. We're all figuring out what the problem is. Well, what could you do? Could you do something? So could you get on the plane? Is there anything you can do? I figure there's something I could be doing. There's always something I could be doing. That's what I learned being married, you know well, you should have done it this way, I'm sorry that that's a thing so I'm your wife right now, yeah, that was just playing in the loop, uh, what am I doing now, you already know this.

It's what you know what kills me is like I can fix my temper my wife she wouldn't have anything with me yeah she doesn't have anything with me I work hard and I make a very good living I like to wash the dishes I'm a great father, all I she has about me is that I don't know, oh, my general vibe, that's it, wait, all she has about you is my personality and general vibe, you know what kills me. I was this guy. The essence of who you are is the only thing, yes, but I was this guy when she met me.

Yes, she's acting like I've changed. She was always turning around. Were you turning? the day like when you met. Remember she told me to go see that monster movie. Do you remember that movie with Charlize Theron, yeah, yeah, yeah, and everyone was like, "Oh my God, it was amazing, like they literally blamed the boys for her being a serial killer. Yeah, you know what I mean ". Did you see the jeffrey dahmer movie, it wasn't like someone shoved the tuna sandwich up my ass and confused people with the food, so I liked it if he gave her a great excuse, you know she was a psychopath who He killed people and he should have died, but I like to watch him feeling guilty.

Do they ever take responsibility for her actions even when they are murdering people? In some ways it's our fault. It's unreal. Why would having a tuna sandwich stuffed up your butt make you want to eat people? because another man did it well, then he is another person, so you equate him. I don't know sex with food. I thought I forgot what the idea was, but I know she laughed when I said it, she was dying of laughter and in a way she understood my point. and um, I always hate when she tells me it would be like you know, I just don't see where that comes from where that comes from she says like honey how many stories from my childhood do I have to tell you before you do? follow the breadcrumbs to the psycho you're married to I mean have you ever taken a psychology class like you didn't see it coming that's what it is it's not that she says I'm an idiot it's just the nerve to be so? surprised, okay, I wish we had more time, uh, my goodness, okay, I feel like I can help you with something by getting it.

Oh, this is cathartic, it's cathartic because I'm going home, she's not going to see this, she's already over me, I love it. It's when a guest says no one just she's not going to see him no she's not going to see him yeah yeah you can see Bill on his last 50th national tour and he's starting to soften I swear to God I'm getting the bright. on my eye back at the td at the td garden in boston on october 5th and at madison square garden wow on wednesday november 7th. that's fantastic, awesome for more cities and dates, thanks, check out the

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