Bill Burr: “I’ll Never Own a Helicopter” - Full Special

from New York City Comedy Central presents Bill Burr very well, thank you, thank you very much, very good, it's a pleasure to be here, beautiful theater here. I didn't do anything today. I am a loser man who still was when he was sitting. watching that show on MTV Cribs, you know that show that they don't show with this show, all the rock stars and rappers' houses and all their stuff. Does that show make you feel like a loser? Kills my self-esteem. I'm sitting there. watching Britney Spears she's like 20 years old and she's like, "Oh my God, this is my

helicopter

." I had it spray painted pink to match my blouse today.

It's great, I put some glitter on it. Let's fly home. I'm about 34 years old sitting. on a futon eating macaroni and cheese like oh my god I'm a loser I'll

never

get a

helicopter

you know what I love about that show even though all they do is show you what not to do when you get rich seriously because None of those people are saving their money. Half of them all they have is the One Hit album, so they really should buy all that stuff. House with 20 rooms, 17 cars. He's like dude, don't you watch Behind the Music?

Haven't you learned? anything from that show you're gonna be smoking crack in about six weeks save money no, they already finished my type right now, man, if you want to know how to be rich, don't look at a rapper, don't look at a rock star, look at a guy like Bill Gates, that guy is so good at being rich it's irritating, he makes like 30 million dollars a day and look at him, he dresses like he works in a shoe store, but that's why he always will be. Rich, he's not showing off trying to buy all these flashy things like walking around like a frozen laptop.

Medallion hanging from his neck Has a fuzzy pimp hat to the side Sitting in a hot tub with some you know Has a on his team Just for the hell of it, have you noticed a new mosquito status symbol of the rich? They book a movie, they

never

get to be the lead, they never get to be the hero, they always have to act like a troll or a fairy, release an album under a bridge, bite someone's legs, so today I was listening to George Bush, you guys like George, oh. yes no, I like George, do you know what I like about George Bush?

He makes me feel like I could be president too. He's like the first kid in my reading level, you know, like the first kid in my math class to finally go out and do it. something you know what I love about George, he can't say the word Terror, he can, he uses the word in every speech that he can't say. Terror, it goes so, it goes. The United States will not represent 10. anyone supports the tear, dear terrorist, we are. I'm going to understand what kind of president says, we're going to get you, he's like a redneck who was dragged out of a barbecue, he put a suit on them, a dog standing on the stage, we're going to get you, you should be up there. with a pair. of hounds coming to get him, moving, sniffing the shirt, going to get him, damn, Blue is a good dog.

I'll tell you one thing I've realized, though when you go to war, that's the only time you really have to like appreciate rednecks, even though you don't. You know why? Because rednecks are like America, they're like the only group of people that really want to go to war. Everyone else is trying to get out of it as if the rich never went to war. You ask a college student if he wants to. go to war he's like um I'm taking Sociology class and I think it was really stupid my roommate is half Afghan that's going to cause static hell yeah absolutely I'm ready right now you just spilled the address dude I'm ready to do this now they are scaring people but you have to use them seriously you want to scare the enemy okay and rednecks are like pit bulls in America they should just sedate them and leave them in Afghanistan just let them go crazy I know like a friend. go do everything you ever dreamed of doing just go crazy make one of your friends play the banjo it will scare the hell out of you seriously you wouldn't want to recruit a guy like me.

I'm a comedian. I'm useless. I'm a coward I don't like confrontations recruit a redneck not only is that guy a psychopath but he'll actually save you money those guys show up to the army as if your M16 is here they're like he already has one in his trunk that you've never seen before Seen before buddy, got on the internet, got some of that surface to air stuff, took it out, hunted, got a moose and a duck at the same time, didn't even see the duff duck was on her I'm targeting the Moose Ducks on her, that's my peripheral on her and the shot went up the moose's butt and the shrapnel from his antler hit the duck, the duck fell, best damn dog ever, foreigner.

I took the subway here tonight. I hate taking the subway because I have a very "Hi, Duty" and "my kind of face" face. Nobody tends to mess with me when I'm on the train, you know? So I don't look at anyone when I'm in it. train I just like to look at the ground you know this is a true story one night I'm sitting there I'm looking at the ground there's like 20 other people in the middle of the train, suddenly I heard this lady's voice at the back of the train, I swear to God, she's sitting there, she leaves, she leaves, oh, I swear to God, she says oh, and you know it's like you don't want to look when things like that happen, you know, you try to ignore them.

I'm just sitting there, making a fix that makes it go away, I don't want to see the rest of it, but it goes on, she says, hey, sit down, so I finally have to look, I look down, I swear to God, man, this guy has his girl is right in the back of his head, he's going to shut up, shut up, she's like, shut up, so I don't know what the hell to do, you know, because it's like I really want to help her, but I don't. I really don't know how to fight, so what am I going to do?

I'm going to walk to the end of the train five seconds later. I'll leave, so I didn't do anything. I did not do it. I just sat there. It was like she was to hell with it, she chose him, it's not my problem, I don't know if she likes that kind of thing, but I was watching some Oprah the other night, I don't like that show very much, I my girlfriend likes it. and I want to get laid so you know no, no, you pick your battles that you don't like on that show, they always examine relationships on that show, you know, I notice that every time they do it on those talk shows, Ninety percent of the time the guy is always wrong, it's amazing, two people, ninety percent of the time, guys are always wrong, he always says this woman is always totally innocent, like I'm trying to make them some chocolate chip cookies and he didn't think there were enough chocolate chips in the cookies so he started hitting me with the cookie cutter it was horrible so the guy is as always the biggest the most I never like well what They want some cookies now I'm not saying kids aren't idiots I'm a good example of one, do you know what I am?

I'm saying women can be jerks too, they should balance it out, like I know a group of women that I would love to see do a show on, they are those beautiful 24-25 year old women that will go out and like to hook up and get married. a rich 80 year old guy, did you ever see them going out like Hugh Hefner, a seven year old guy in his pajamas, now if they were honest about it we would say, look, this guy is going to die in about seven or eight minutes and we'll get a bag of cash and Alexis wouldn't have a problem with that, but they always try to lie and say no, I love them for what they are, it has nothing to do with the big yacht, there's just something about the way they drools in a bathrobe while pushing the ladies, it's really fun, he'll be like a lady, y'all fuck him for his money, something he could never do, man, if an 80 year old

bill

ionaire, rich old lady came walking down the street and started flirting with me.

Sitting like Hello, son, you know, so I grabbed my butt. Oh, you're pretty firm, what are you in the Navy or something? This big lady stay away from me, right, you're old, you're disgusting, you know, I'm sorry. I'm sure you were amazing in the '20s, when you did the Charleston making beer in your bathtub, but you were at least four decades older than your hump. Sorry, no, how do you have sex? I don't understand how you do it. have sex with someone 40 50 years older than you I'll tell you the only way to do it you know what you have to do you have to put the will at the head No, at any time if you lose your nerve you can just read some of the things that you're getting, you're just sitting there like, oh my god, this is disgusting what this is turning into me, oh, a house in Miami, okay, I can take this a little longer, I guess this isn't as bad as it was. thinking a second ago now I have some problems I guess so.

I'm not going to lie to you as a beautiful woman. I don't trust beautiful women. You just don't know why because you know what I am. I have noticed in my life as a man a beautiful woman only when you have things, when your life is going very well, they are everywhere, but when you are broke you can't find a beautiful woman, you are like under a bridge there are like trolls and ferrets running back and forth, they're just not around and the minute you get some, like they take a little bit of money from you, they come out of the woodwork like, oh my gosh, you got some stuff, can you buy me some stuff?

I want some stuff too, so the second one should be ruined, oh my god, I left something here next to this guy, he has stuff. I've always loved you, no, you know what you want to solidify my problems, this is what solidified them. Okay, I was on the Yankees. I played once, right, I'm sitting there, it was like the end of the inning and Tino Martinez catches a foul ball to end the inning, you know, they always throw it into the crowd, it's like there's a hundred people going, Tina, there's a beautiful girl sitting. right in the front row of course, oh my god, I have these, uh, I could sit in front of hell.

What doesn't happen to everyone? So there are a hundred people asking for this stupid ball. He walks up to her and simply hands it to her. right at her I didn't turn it over I didn't throw it I handed it right to her you know what I would have to do in my life to catch a dropped ball in the first place it would have to be like a one in a million chance that the ball was actually hit very high where I was sitting and like on the top upper deck, which means the ball is going to go like 100 or 120 miles an hour, so I have to figure out what part of my body I'm on.

I'm going to sacrifice myself to stop him and then I have to jump on him, curl up in the fetal position while eight guys hit me in the back of the head and I pray to God I can hold on until security arrives and he just walks straight. He got up and handed them all to her. I probably didn't even know what basketball was like, oh baseball, oh my gosh, let me take this home and stick it next to my other awesome free stuff that I don't appreciate on the shelves at home, so, anyway. I was taking the uh, I don't know if you want the best thing about this job is that I don't have a boss, that's what I love about this program.

I never wanted a job where I had a boss, that's why he is always working as a warehouse worker. Because my boss gave me a hard time, I was able to just get on a forklift and get away from them, you know, and I realized I was too stupid to run a business, you know what I mean, I just knew I was never going to be like this. boy, as you know, in the big office, big long table, he left, we know in the fourth quarter we need to ramp up, ramp up production, okay, Kathy, you're using too many clips and we need to tone it down, no.

Standing out, we're like I could never do it, so I realized the only thing I could do, the best thing I could do was work in one of those cubicles and I refuse to do that. The cubicle should be illegal, man, you know? which basically says a cubicle, basically says like you know what we don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you looking at anyone so you're going to go in there and close it. your face and you just walk in there and you're hunched over writing while you're writing at lunchtime, you put your head up like a gopher like, hey Steve, you want to have a sandwich, I said, come in and close your face, I wish I was.

I'm just ordering a sandwich or something God, I hate that guy, I really hate that guy, it's time to go on the internet and look for a gun, pathetic man, you know what I love about the cubicle. I always love the pathetic attempt at trying to make the A cubicle like a house, you know what I mean, there's always a stuffed animal there or a picture of your mother with your disappointed eyes looking at you like, why have you accepted this since your destiny in life? Why not? Have the balls to get up and get out of this thing.

I'm telling you that those people need to be rescued. Do you ever pass by a cubicle? The person in the cubicle always looks at you because she is hungry for some kind of human being. contact, they'll just start a conversation like, hey, hey, it's raining. I haven't seen the sky in six days. They don't let us look out the window, solet's go there. This is a true story. I'm on my feet. Okay, I mind my own business, okay, this black guy is back on the bandwagon. Suddenly, the door is as if closed. You know, when that happens, they open it and close it.

It's like they're trying to cut you into pieces. It's like typical New York, there's like 20 people watching but no one helps, everyone's standing like, wow, I think they're going to cut off his arm, so the guy gets stuck in the doors, the driver gets out and starts giving him guy a tough time while he's stuck in the doors, he goes, come on, dude, come on, he's just like home, people, upstairs, come on, then the guy at the door starts freaking out, what the hell are you yelling at me? caught in the doors and then he makes it racial, it's like: I bet you wouldn't say anything to all these crackers sitting here, it was like me and three other white guys sitting there, so he picks on this guy, he keeps coming back to it .

Point like, I bet I wouldn't say anything, these cookies sitting here and then, like the third or fourth cookies sitting here, man, the three white guys trying to start looking at each other like we should let ourselves be offended. At this point, this is getting ridiculous, I can literally feel the heat of his fingers. He's going crazy sitting here. Someone should do something. Do you know what no one did? He just sat there and took it. That's what sucks about being white. In that situation there is no unity. there ain't no brothers when it comes to white people we're not we're just complete individuals we don't care about each other we're not not my brother my brother lives in Ohio I don't know that guy I don't care around here I've been worried since right here right here that was amazing.

They called me cookie for like 18 stops. I'll tell you it's funny when someone runs with you when you're white because you're not allowed. to get the racial back, you know what I mean, so it's kind of awkward that the guy goes crazy on the white guy, you laugh, you're like a dude, you stupid idiot, no, you can't get the racial back because in the moment when you bring back the racial, when you're white and all of a sudden they like to take out that podium and have that press conference, you have to be like that guy standing there, saying.

Yes, I disgraced the company. I disgraced myself. I just like to say that there was no air. conditioning on the subway I wasn't thinking clearly I have nothing against Mexicans and I went to Tijuana I had a great time please please please don't do this that's not why a lot of white guys can get tense in certain social situations that we have to be careful with the podium no, that podium can come out of nowhere you're not even trying to say something like yeah, I'm thinking about getting a t-shirt, huh, what t-shirt, I'm thinking about the black t-shirt, what the hell did you say? black shirt i should have said african american shirt i apologize please i need this position i have a mortgage please don't do this so i bought a computer recently it's like one of the most important things in my life i'm really trying to get more into it like you know in all this technology stuff.

I'm horrible with computers. I'm one of those guys, basically, every button I press on my computer, my computer has to shut down, regroup somehow, like deal with my idiocy, you know what? I mean, there's always that eight-year-old kid that I see later on a laptop, breaking into the Pentagon downloading movies that haven't even been made yet and I just got a plane ticket for six dollars and you just want to punch his head. head. The only thing I will tell you is that the only thing I like about my computer is that I really enjoy the spell checker.

I do not love it. Do you know what I love about spell check? You know, I'd be close to getting the word right. Have you ever noticed that all you have to do is just get it somewhere like inside the word stadium, it's almost like your computer can start guessing, oh my gosh, I don't know dinosaur, you know when you're sitting there Like an idiot, like no, I wasn't. Trying to spell dinosaur, so what's your computer doing? He starts throwing out every d-word he can think of, okay, how about the dictionary diary? Any of these things sound familiar to me.

Are we moving towards the goal or away from it? You have a spell. such a bad word, even though your spell checker has no idea what the hell you're trying to spell, what you end up getting, you end up getting like a question mark, you have a million dollars worth of technology, just looking at you like you just like you understand me , man, which is pretty surprising because I have all the words, yeah, and it doesn't look like any of them. I can't even guess. That's so fucked up. Would you like to faint, hit your head on the keyboard, please? tell me you're not that stupid, it's okay, that's all for me, you guys have a lot of fun, thank you very much, God bless you, thank you for coming, thank you.