Vegans Don't Have Friends. Collin Moulton - Full Special

We are also the only animal with thumbs that cooks our food and watches Netflix. Be careful, it's a slippery slope. I chose a woman from the Midwest. I met her in Indiana. I found her in Indiana. I found it in a cornfield, not on a dry cob. she still eats corn on the cob she eats corn on the cob which I can't stand I don't know, if you guys like those things with ridiculous corn on the cobs, I'm sorry, I won't tolerate that, it's an archaic food. It comes from a time when we did not

have

the technology to remove corn from the cob; we can't get it off the cob or even pork on the pig for some reason.

Have you had the apple on the tree? I broke down last week certain foods that we just take for granted we buy them once and then we never buy them again and once a year you take a few drops and put them in something like that's why I don't eat that Ryan like mustard does. I don't

have

a very good life, it just sits there, horseradish, horseradish has the worst business plan of any food on the planet. Can you imagine trying to make a living selling bay leaves, for example? Once you sell everyone the sheets, it's over, you have to retire. a bay leaf, that's it, dried beans, someone once cooked dried beans, you don't put them in there to make it look like you can cook them and then when your

friends

come into the living room, you open a can of beans and make dinner and these delicious beans are gone thanks for the excellent dinner I soaked them for three days to get the farts out open the can you open the can liar skimmed milk anyone drinks that skimmed milk crap that is the dairy industry's answer to the milk hate of the 90s When is it true?

The milk hater member in the 90s when everyone said it was bad for you. We are the only animal that drinks milk. Others of us these days are also the only animal with thumbs who cooks our food and watches Netflix care

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y. that's a slippery slope man, 1% better for you, cook your pork, 1% see how it works for you, trichinosis, boy I don't need any of that because I'm vegan and that's weird, I'm vegan, you know what? that means I don't have

friends

that's what it means they can lift their own body weight that's a myth by the way that's a myth the other myth is about animals I really don't know that I could You don't care I mean I have friends that say that you love animals so much that you are married to an animal, like it's not about that, it's about health, that's why I do it for health reasons, right, yeah, it's okay, you're with me, it's for health reasons As a matter of fact, the animals had less to fear from us when we ate them because we only had to kill one to eat for weeks.

Now I'm competing for the same garden. I have to kill all those vermin if I see a rabbit looking at my carrots. I will hit his entire family. I don't mind. I'm waterboarding the squirrels to find out what time that deer shows up. I'm not playing, that's my garden. I am an anti-animal vegan for the NRA. I do not do it. I want to shoot them someone has to charge Nugent take your positions my wife says I don't think you ever think anything and there's proof of that I definitely don't think things you're walking through a land you realize it's not a garage so not at all just a guy sitting in his garage reading the newspaper, that happened to me twice in real life, I didn't even realize it right away, he says, can I help you?

For some reason I was a garage sale in my head for a

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minute, that's a long minute for the other guy, what did he even think he was doing? Like it was the most uncompromising home invasion he'd ever had. see if your stuff is worth going to prison so have a seat and then i didn't steal from him how disappointing for him how embarrassed would you be if people showed up to rob you and then just passed your chuck around like he's not going to go to jail for this crap always reinvest doing that I got caught in a bank robbery in Colorado and I made it awkward in a bank robbery you've been to Colorado they don't have air they don't have air in Colorado no stares no explanation no nothing you just get off the plane you can't breathe, they are like that, so you should know that to find out this I had to walk to a bank and I asked my receptionist where the bank was and I can't tell you the name. of the bank on stage because Bank of America has this thing with laws and slander, she draws me a map because I'm walking and I walk that distance, she says yes, so the part of that means if you're a camel because I walked for two and a half hours without oxygen and I needed to make a bank transfer of $15 to my friend who is poor like me, I needed $15 and I don't know if you know this, but bank transfers cost $15 according to Trevor, there is always a Trevor at the bank, I'm Trevor everything is $15 whatever Trevor so I walked away from Trevor and I was standing by the door and there's a door here and I could see the guy, a guy running with a gun in his hand and a mask of Bill Clinton on I'm not making this up he had a Bill Clinton mask and a gun and he's running towards the bank and I'm the only one who sees him so naturally while I have a weird way of running into a bag 'Cause you never think about a robbery to a bank and then a minute later my mind caught up and I said, "Oh no, this guy is going to rob us, so I peed a little first." How long the man has been a problem, they don't let you go during the robbery I'm not an idiot so I turn to everyone and I say to you and everyone looked at me and then I didn't know what else to say, the only thing I can think of is the movies where they say this is a robbery, but you can't say that if you're in front because then you're the thief, so I didn't say anything with frozen emotion, it was like haha.

I pointed it out. I introduced it. I hosted the bank robbery. Get up. He came in with a gun in his hand and he had a Bill Clinton mask on. He got everyone on their knees and no one laughed with me. Some people in their twenties said I don't know what he's talking about. Bill Clinton is known for much more than just being Hillary's wife, he's okay, always that clumsy guy. He wanted to be great in high school. I thought the first day of high school. I'm going to change everything. I'm moving on, so I bought a skateboard.

It was like I'm going to skateboard, that makes me cool and the first day in high school I ate it on my skateboard and broke my collarbone bone, they can't fix that bone, they just give you a padded brace that pull your shoulders back like this, but you just have to use it for the first eight weeks of high school. Mom was like we put on a sweater. You know, he will know. So it was me in a Christmas sweater in August. People likes it. What is it? Is it our pet? Who are we? Christmas trolls, what is that?

That's the guy who thinks everything is a garage sale, there's no cool waiter, there's no cool way to beat, that should've known it wasn't a garage sale, man, I grew up poor, everything I had was used, right, girl, poor, nobody, girl, poor chickens. in the yard your chickens we weren't even that poor we were poorer than that we had chicken with a chicken or you have eggs or chicken but you don't have both honey from a chicken that is a logistical problem and everything we had was used if you were poor you were going to Goodwill and garage sales and I didn't even know board games had instructions.

Did you know they had instructions before we got up and looked at the remaining pieces to figure out the family rules? what they called family rules and every family had different rules, don't bring your rules to the sleepover, they don't apply hey man, do you want to play Monopoly, yeah let's play Monopoly, okay, take off your pants, everyone take off your pants to play Monopoly. family rules stick the ax in the boiling water, let's do it have you ever read the instructions for a board game it's nothing like Haven to play in your entire life I thought this isn't a drinking game at all mom, you liar, to me mother liked wine until our doctors arrested her, I am in charge of my mother's health care, so I sent her to the doctor complaining of vertigo and she went to the doctor complaining of vertigo after drinking a case of wine, The doctor said like madam, dizziness is also a symptom of drinking a lot of wine.

Have you drunk alcohol today? Your teeth are purple. It's his 83-year-old answer to that question. No, I have drunk wine because when you are an 83-year-old woman, wine is no longer alcohol. a blood thinner she read an article about resveratrol and now I'm the idiot she taught us everything wrong your pants ruined the expressions my mother used to make up expressions and we didn't know until later when we were adults quote her and look like idiots the suit arrives early the worm eats birds in the sun when there are piles of hay to make that's how you lose needles okay man, where did you grow up? my mom said my favorite was she says like i'm telling you something just get in your ear i never knew there was more to us than that 30 host all those expressions are weird anyway if you've ever used an expression i wonder where it originally came from Like how could that admit what we're really saying?

I have a friend every time he sees a big scary guy with a cauliflower ear and stuff, he says man, I wouldn't want to meet that guy - dark alley, I say, oh yeah, dark alleys, that's where you'll draw the line. line with that animal. I would not do it. I want to beat him anywhere if he could beat me in a dark alley. I'm pretty sure I could pull it off in broad daylight. Don't be distracted by dandelions in a sunlit meadow. It's knocking me out. Do you know who I wouldn't want? being in a dark alley a little person with night vision that would be scary that's the one who rules the dark alleys Google and ratzass remember I don't give a damn no why do you have a rat's ass where did you get a rat's ass why do you still have it?

You have them spoiled did you press it in a book like a dried flower by the time you gave it the rat's ass I don't know how they keep the expressions they are strange time heals all wounds anyone thinks not if you are a hemophiliac, not everyone gets nervous because there are hairs. I don't even know what they look like. I said hemophiliac in Georgia and one guy got mad because he didn't know what the word meant. They broke. In an argument at his table, he says: I don't know why this guy doesn't speak English. He feels emo.

I don't even know what he's talking about anymore. I think my cousin has hemophilia. He told us at Thanksgiving, yes that is so. No son of mine is going to be a hemophiliac in my house, he mows the grass in your shorts and look, he won't tolerate it. Trump will get rid of all your emos anyway, that guy had canned hemophobia, ignorance of him my sister uses the waltz. The expression can't just come in here and tell me how to live my life, when were there people doing that? We are people literally walking into each other's houses and talking trash.

Was it ever a big deal in Victorian times or something? There are too many people. dancing judging in other people's castles these days finally take a look at this place it's a mess one two three these traits are horrible and you need a 401k get your life in order by dancing empty that sandbox before it spanks you and nae nae don't do it you do you know what I'll do, you know, put your kids in a private school, I'll do it, wah, no one dances if people if that was a human reaction to conflict? There would be regional examples of that expression, it would be different in different places like where I was born in Wisconsin, people are going to go, you're not going to stop, come in here and tell me how to run this dairy farm well, just grab your clogs and Riverdance, go back to Dakota from the North, go down an e5 in Ogoni, go.

Come ten, you come into my trailer park, tell me where I can eat a chicken, eat this boot, move and dance outside the space 149 where I used to live in Los Angeles, the people are gone John I sing cumbia, come into my house, tell me how to raise My children, Macarena can walk out the door. I'll go, she'll take a second. It's all strange. All those expressions. My mom now wants to be an OnStar operator. She is 80 years old. Her neighbors are 60. And she is an OnStar operator. said I'm going to be an OnStar operator, she talked to me and I said yeah well you're the drunkest woman and sarcastic bug I've ever talked to on the phone, you should definitely do that, that would be an awesome experience at OnStar, Wouldn't you pay for additional appointments?

Your own drunk and angry mother on OnStar. I ran out of gas. Oh, you didn't know you were going somewhere like a Scanlon? The hand is better than hitchhiking through the bushes or whatever. Parents are weird now right I have kids man I have kids and I'm a generation between two generations so I'm taking care of my kids and my parents at one point I had four in diapers and two of them were my parents you can. Not everyone was nervous about the diaper issue. Many guys are 20 years old. Look, how beautiful they are. They are all perfect and shiny.

In 50 years. Diapers. Each of you is a diner. If it works, that's the best case scenario. So my mother and my father. I haven't spoken in 30 years and a year ago they both entered assisted living at the same time. I had to help him because I'm the brother who takes care of the child's parents, so I take care of the parents, so it's difficult if you've evershe's his best friend's ex-wife or something, you already know everything, yes, all the women I read about it in Cosmo, this is true, since we all deal with my wife. She knew she had no idea, but this woman seemed to have gone to a Botox appointment in the morning and then she forgot that she had done it before going to another one in the afternoon and he was like a drunk Brit like her. .

As long as I have the right staff, everyone is still going to party with me so it's walking dogs and we see our dogs saw their dogs and that's what you know dogs don't care about everything like where you smell so let's do it , for. So now we're standing there with Simon Cowell and the Botox lady and it was awkward and weird and I felt nervous because you know it's Simon Cowell. I kept saying you're Simon Cowell, he said no and the pro- The tax lady said she couldn't talk, so after a while I thought, I don't want to be in their space anymore, they're famous, let's leave it alone and I'll leave. .Hey, let's take the kids, come on, let's take off, nice to meet you, but you know, drunk people don't know where to go, so they just follow whoever was with them last and, besides, it was that uncomfortable thing. where you go out, you say goodbye to someone and then you both go in the same direction, so where am I going to walk together with Simon Cowell and Mrs Botox and her dogs and her and we're just on holiday with Simon Cowell and So five minutes later we pull into the parking lot and get into our motor home and he gets into his beautiful ghost limo with a driver who gets out, picks up the dog and gets the scots ready for mr.

Cowen gently sits him down in leather, his boy is living a completely different life, so we walked into the motor home and I turned to my wife and I was like I was beside myself, it was like I was Simon Cowell and she says like this. Whatever it is, no, you don't understand, that guy has had an impact on global culture and I was in the same place at the same time doing the same thing as him and that's moving and she was like, "Okay, cool, the gray water tank anyway.” It needs to be empty, right?

I'm like, oh right, life, so I get out of the RV and I'm still thinking about Simon Cowell, what I should have said, so I zone out and go get the gray water out. Just valve, I pull the one next to it, which is the black water valve, which are the turrets, right? Oh, parking, so I closed it right away. The floor lights up the parking lot. I plan on just charging, so no, and it's Santa Barbara, you can't. leave the curves in a parking lot, you'll get the death penalty, so I ran inside and got a target bag and said, "I had to pick it up, man, so I'm really picking up the turrets right now." I have little kids and they love poop so they're like pulling the blinds trying to see they're ripping them off the wall and a microphone would think of the deposit you know it applies to stop ripping so I'm standing there with a bunch of idiots in my family yelling at my crazy kids, get off you guys, then I hear myself meet me and I look and it's Simon Cowell saying goodbye, new friend, I'm like we're not doing the same thing at all, it's an illusion, man , it's I have to be good it has to be I have to be a good person for my children I want to be a good example right is this your family your children lady are you with your children no they weren't pointing at you before they are all grown up?

They're all gone, well nine of them, you had nine kids from Utah, no joke, 42 grandkids, 14 big planets, this is good, how do you keep track of them all? You should always be making birthday cards and stuff and gifts, so? the Sun your calendar is a written calendar, isn't it? It is beautiful, it is carved in stone. Wow, how old are you? You become a little firmer. Oh come on, you say that's bad for the dogs because we, I feel bad for the dogs because we crossed paths. We have them for our enjoyment, we have all these funny little ones, it's the kakapo.

I once had a half dachshund, half retriever, if you ever saw a dog like that it's a big dog with little dachshund like lab legs that they lowered when I first made it. He saw me lying down and then started moving. It's a floating dog. That's where I love three floating dogs. I asked him: Mike, how did that happen? He says: Am I not a technological dachshund in a butt dog? You made a mess because you have the small legs of a big dog. I thought you'll never really understand that backwards like a small dog with very long legs.

I would have a whole pack of long dogs like dad, that would be amazing. I once had to put a dog down. I got him from a no-kill rescue, which is also a no-truth rescue because when I went, I asked how old the kids were. His teeth were worn out and they said, "Oh, he's got six." It was like, but his teeth are a little worn down, he's probably just chewing on rocks. I trust him. I was fine and then a year later he turned 14. You know, when a dog turns 14 because you're like, could you take my way back?

It's over buddy and he's like, "I gotta go, man," so I called the, I called, you know, I hadn't even been, yeah, because it had been something if he'd been at the vet that long, so I called the vet and I said, "Hey, me." I have a euthanasia scheduled for this old dog and they said, "he's okay, great, just come down." I said, "Well, we do need a schedule." My dog, can you slow down a little? We are open right now. Come on, I went down and walked in and they said, "Oh yeah, you're euthanasia, right, yeah, yeah, no, just go in there and it was." thinking I go to the lobby, I walk in and he's in the room and the lady comes in, she has a syringe and I'm like, what are we doing?

She says: Are you ready? I tell him, he's fine, you haven't even done it. check if this is my dog. Yes, I've been using that loophole to calm the neighborhood down, frankly, sir. Moulton, this is your third shih tzu this week. You must be very sad. Your punch cards are almost full. The next one is free. Bad for all animals. Chickens. Have you ever seen a chicken? Chickens. That is the stupidest animal on the planet. They are afraid of everything that the hawk fears. and stupidity is no way to live life, we have many politicians who prove that every day the heads of chickens are stupid, but their bodies are smart, the head doesn't care about the heads like, what do you want me to put my head or am I going to call how are you? doing with that ax so here it's okay and then it hits and the bodies like we have to get out of here now move there's very little time to catch the head we don't sail I can't see fantastic man you guys are fantastic let me tell you something I was in concert last night and I realized the power that we have and I want to know, I want to take note of it right now, this is important, you all came here and there was a time in this world when people never agree on anything and everyone agrees on one thing that they left together many times tonight and everyone agrees at the same time on one thing and that's extraordinary, so thank you for coming to make that laugh, so we need it.

It feels good, we apologize for my haircut, I said yes. I was recently diagnosed with swirls, it's where the big strands of your hair don't like each other, they like it, forget it, I'm not even standing next to him anymore, he's curly, I'm straight. he's been trying to hold me down all day I got off I don't like homophobic hair they call it a cowlick like a cow licks you and walks away and ruins your hair forever like that makes sense outside of Kansas damn that was a cow, they will ruin your hair, everyone knows we are the only country that names our hairstyles after farms, we have cowlicks, ponytails, ponytails, braids, goat butts, it's like a big farm party in your head, someone in Africa right now becomes honey, just put your hair on a hippo nipple. so we can go to dinner, speak that language, how cool would it be to speak kosher about God, it's like an African language with clicks, man, if I could speak, I'd show up in every bilingual job interview, if you speak Spanish, no, that's what that I speak I have to hire myself I'm bilingual it's in the ad I always thought it would be cool if one of those guys had a mon Dieu stutter which is a brutal stutter that the kids keep opening the door don't think I'm insensitive to the The challenge of stuttering or my best friend growing up had a severe stutter and always told me that his worst fear in the world was being pulled over by a police officer because his stutter would make him look nervous.

I thought you should become a police officer. that would make everyone nervous, so that's how karma works four years ago. I got pulled over by a real police officer with a stutter in real life and now, like I did with a stutter, or this guy closed his eyes and committed to every syllable, right? I know I showed up tonight, you looked at me like he was doing it weird. I have no idea why you stopped me to ruin my mind. Are you serious? How am I supposed to not laugh and go present for the rest of my life? life that's not fair and he's a policeman how dangerous is that ugh freedom free free free free leave that oh no ash I want to kick him poof hmm freeze out of time I should have been a non-professional trumpet player no one would have realized what you had stutter and get pulled over by that cop, that would be disastrous, you know, it just so happens, wait, no, to make fun of you, my midnight, that's how I have to change the tapes in the dash cam halfway through, there was no room for that in a police episode.

That was a miniseries. Thank you all for hanging out with us. We had a great time with you. Motorcycle Utah. I love them.