The Perks Of Being Billigual. Bengt Washburn - Full Special

maybe a hernia belt, she thinks I'm old, I found it. I think I'm old because I was excited. Well, I'll go to the beach and find the surveillance room. The only family member more excited to meet the dog was when I took that detector out into the yard and started digging randomly. holes the dog went crazy you should try it they will run in circles and then they will come together and look at you finally someone who understands me you are getting a little older a little things were changing now like I decided to start coloring my hair I have to start dyeing my hair hair because my head has decided to stop dying the hair on the sides and back of my head, but it will continue to grow.

Brown bangs will just shoot off a nice, youthful brown glow, you know, for face-to-face conversations. face look maybe 42 walking away 80 year old man my teeth are coming out I have these spaces on the back of my teeth no no if you have that there are spaces here now on the back I could floss with a tube sock no I do I don't know how they found the root, why I don't know how they found the room. They are all crowded in the front. I can't even floss in the front. It's like they're headed for the exit.

The beylin ship smells funny. The end is near the ship. It's the second one in my eyesWhen my eyes get worse they had to up the ante on my glasses this year they got thick can you see it in the back? you can see it? you can see it? Yeah, I can't see them from here. I can't see my glasses now unless I'm wearing my glasses, which is a convenient way to ruin the day, you know, you just left them, there it goes, in the morning, would you do this morning band? I spent three hours walking around the house, gently touching everything in the house, man, he painted everything. the furniture for about three hours it's my fault it's my fault this is what they told me I need progressives but I didn't want progressives because progresses make you look old I'm sorry they do it unlike this maneuver that doesn't look old now I can adjust my view with my mouth to this tv is fun I need the glasses to see the tv but I can't see the remote through the glasses so now we do the pure thing with the remote and then they just get the button and then I turn on the signal on the tv which they love on the remote control.

This is what I love about the remote control. They make the volume button and channel buttons identical because they are horrible people. Well, this is the same, it shows the other channel only higher. we look for stronger channels it sounds like a scam I'm a grandfather that's when I felt old when he became a grandfather that was a line 48 I became a grandfather and overnight you know you go to bed just a guy here you wake up a grandpa and I go to the shower I go to the mirror I see myself in my underwear and I realize that now I'm wearing grandpa's underwear I went to bed in my underwear and I woke up and in grandpa's underwear we could have a whole drawer

full

of grandma's panties now during the night, then I took off my underwear and I thought now I'm a naked grandpa and I'm sure I'm soaping up and a naked grandpa in a shower scaring me.

I could never be a naked man again, that never will be. You just happen to understand that from now on I'm a naked grandpa, which is good, not because I wasn't a very impressive naked man. I'll be honest if I ran through the shoe store here naked right now and you said naked man, everyone would look and say I've seen better, but if I ran through here naked and someone said naked grandpa, you don't look bad, good night grandpa, 20% Naked grandpa's top, it's kind of nice. I've never looked worse. and I've never felt better about it, it's love, that's a nice thing as you get older, the change in nudity goals, it's wonderful, I really like those young people, you care, you want your body to be beautiful, my age, just no I don't want to make anyone sick, yeah, there are big questions too when you get old, the big questions hit you, you know, how long are you going to last, your eyes are so bad, how are you going to know, 10,000 years ago, With this view, I would be dead. you would also be dead ten thousand years ago you would be dead those are thick you would be dead very quickly right, we would be dead we would be in the forest chasing fuzzy furry things moving things with our spear back we don't I don't know, we don't know how to sneak up on a bison.

Oh, it's a bear and now we're dead because we poked a grizzly with the blunt end of our spirit. A fatal mistake would be like a man-hunting story told by bears. I once had one sneak up on me and poke me with a stick and then they ran into a treatment that I'm NOT a scherzo, she was there, remember she seriously asked God for marijuana, I'm not spitting on you. Nature can't stand it. with those eyes he does it he can't stand it there are no cross-eyed cheetahs in the Serengeti they are chasing two gazelles perfectly synchronized like wow these guys must rehearse forever they are good snowfalls Eagles with lazy eyes the zoo there is a lot of the zoo there but in nature If you are like a farsighted woodpecker let me explain to you farsighted woodpeckers in trouble that means you can't see up close that's not good for the woodpecker you can't like to back away and squint you can't adjust your eyesight with his beak like he can't ask a friend or these worms in his eyes well he's dead because he has bad eyesight his bad eyesight is not compatible with hunting and gathering that's what we had to do before we're all hunters and gatherers oh , you used to be if you wanted meat you had to chase it with a rock or a stick you had to run for the meat now you can just walk down it's right in the refrigerator this is meat speed.

I'm working at meat speed right now, you just go to the fridge and get an easy sandwich sometimes, although even that's a lot of work, isn't it? You've had a long day doing this and you're screwed. My bridles are poop. on the refrigerator, you're going to make a sandwich, make your pre sandwich, take inventory, okay, we have the lettuce, the tomatoes, no more Kraft dances, now I have to cut the tomatoes and the cheese. I can cut the cheese manually. I do not do it. I don't have the tools or the skill, the knives will deflect in the cheddar and I'm going to make a door of cheddar stop the cheese-to-flavor relationship of the sandwich.

No, I have to undo the twisted binding of the bread, which is who did this like you. you're going for a merit badge on this the wrong way was right the first time do you ever give up on a sandwich? only a man you should go hungry. I think if you are too lazy for the same but don't do it, you can just call now and order the food over the phone, aren't we failing at a very moment? primitive level when we order food we can't feed ourselves hello Domino's I'm tired and I can't be myself yeah again and half an hour later I'm sitting on the couch watching a show I hate because I lost the remote a knock on the door it's open you know, I won't get up to get the food, the food is literally chasing me now and I was going to go into my cave for our ancestors, that's like a mastodon just walking into the cave and then saying a heart attack about the fire cooking after rolling around in a puddle of sauce and over toppings and sharp rocks cuts into triangles easy to consume less than 30 minutes for the next free if the food doesn't fly into my top hole 30 minutes after the phone call someone failed and I'm not physically lazy I'm physically lazy, well, many of us are, it's just how lazy I am.

I'll wake up the first thing I want to do when I wake up now after all these easy things in life the first thing I want to do, some idea, go back to bed, just regain consciousness and I just want more unconsciousness. I mean, shouldn't I be a little grateful for regaining consciousness? That is an important event. The most important thing every day is waking up, shouldn't I be a little grateful like wow, how long was I out 9 hours, sacred cow? I almost died, that was close to eating, instead I opened my eyes, I'm not this shit again, man, conscience sucks kind of lazy, this is what I found out, she's lazy, my wife probably I moved to Germany and I became a father and a housewife in Germany and that was the hardest job I ever had.

There are two kids. Housework. This is what I learned from housework. The other person only notices what you don't do. You can spend it. hours cleaning that house or like 20 minutes right before she gets home the first words that come out of her mouth why is that pan on the stove because I'm going to hit you with it recipe on the stove to thank you bring it you have to clean, We didn't do chores anyway I can't even help I'm bad at chores I can't even find things she'll send me to the basement if I say I can't I can't I can't find it She gets a little bad, well, you looked?

Oh no, she didn't. I just smelled that it's a good idea, yes, sweat down there, in fact, I did. I closed my eyes so I could hear better and then took a big drag the next time. Look, I'll use my eyes. Housework was tough man, we didn't do it the same as you should, even when I helped, she didn't help like my wife. Hey, did you see? Do you see on the gloves where the gloves are? They are under the bathroom. sinks she's grateful she's not angry she's angry because instead of locking him up I memorized where they were that's just me doing chores I find things in the wrong place I go wow, you're lost, stay here I'll go get help, Boy Scout rules applied to housework do it the same is she discovers that you have fights when you start raising children they are difficult they are difficult this is a difficult task it makes you ask the big questions in life that is what I find why I am here that is a great question Why am I here?

Normally when I ask that question it's right after entering the supermarket? Why am I here and then oh oh yeah? That's true because my wife sent me here to buy something and I can't remember what it is and I'm not going to call her and ask her because I'm NOT going to make that call again, load the gun that shoots, yeah, hey, remember when you sent me to the store, you do it right, no, I was nodding and getting a good look at you, I guess. She was pretending to listen, can you answer me? Did I drive or did you leave me?

Okay, then I'll continue looking for my keys. I can't do that, so now I have to wander around the store, hoping something jogs my terrible memory. So I can remember what I agreed to buy while pretending to listen to her and it doesn't work, so I'll start guessing that I'll buy $400 worth of a guest, groceries in a bunch and it never works every time I come home, right? get the Spanish olives, yeah, and then this is what I'll do or you forgot, which is a lie, you can't forget something you never heard, I don't even know what I need when I go to the store.

I know, I think the runner just clears my head. I'll go into the store. I'll walk next to the carts because I don't need a court. I'm just buying some items well five minutes later. I'm in. in front of donuts loaded up to his chin like a looter. I need a cart, I'm basically trying to get something off the griddle so Donuts can get home and there's a time limit because in a matter of minutes this gallon of milk is going to break me. The fingers are removed and then people come by and tell you about the existence of the cars.

Do you know there are cars? You're leaving right now, but then I'd drop my bacon. This is what I like to do the most. Go shopping. I will go to the store. I will pay for my purchases. I'll leave without them after an hour of shopping. I forget what I've been doing. Look at the cashier, you look like you could use a couple hundred dollars, there you go, but it's fun, it's fun for everyone, so I'll get almost to the door and then the guy in the back makes it fun, you'll hold my purchases, say hello.

I forgot these, you might want these, huh, huh, and then everyone laughs at them. Oh, silly man, and then I get embarrassed, so I'm like, wow, what a weird day, isn't it, it's normal, it's another matter and it's fun, it was the most fun I had with this. I forgot about shopping as usual. I'm embarrassed to do my shopping. I'm almost to the door and then the bag boy has a completely different tone of voice, sir, and your wallet and his keys have a different tone. He already knows, he moved on from this. It is funny.

This is a serious situation, it's like a silver alert, that's what they call it, and he didn't wave at him either, he was very careful, his movements were slow and almost not sudden, as if he were feeding carrots to a wild deer. Don't run buddy there you go and people weren't laughing either now they were looking at each other like wow we shouldn't have laughed at him. He didn't know he was that dumb and the production manager knew he was. serious for him, he approached slowly and then grabbed my arm and I, uh, are you here alone?

Who is watching it? Does he have a bracelet or an ID or something? Then he said: are you here alone? and this was my answer which is the wrong answer andHe gripped harder and said, Uh, did you drive from him? Yes, I drove alone and I'm fine. I'm fine. Can we help you get into your car? Oh, I don't want you to help me. I get out of the car again I don't want you to get out when I can't I mean that's the last step It's me in the parking lot with the keys to my Ford Fiesta in the air trying to use them to activate the alarm.

I am a small Spanish party with a dumb brain which when you are raising children is a problem. I had a baby. I was in charge of a baby with this brain. Easier babies, toddlers, of course, you just look at the babies. Little children you have to like to intervene because half past ten. hundreds of times a day they will make attempts on their lives, there are no warning signs so keep it simple and it's no wonder what electricity will taste like. Then you saved their lives and they tried to smash your face with their skull.

There is a hairdryer in the way. Babies, this was the hardest part about babies. I had the baby at home. This is in Germany. My wife was calling me from the office around 11:00, so how's the baby? And I was panicking because I hadn't thought about the baby for hours. How is the baby? Baby, better question, where's the baby? I mean, I hope he's up in the crate or in the crib either way, it's the same. He took the fancy box from him, but I'm not sure he's up there because I haven't heard or spelled it for a couple of hours.

I hope he is sleeping and constipated in the crate, that's enough, I hope that was my deal with babies. You have to remember where you left them. They are like the cell phone or car keys. Who is in charge of the house in this scary Italy? you fight, you have a little more fights after you're married, career kids like, I got my son ready for bed, once I got ready for bed, one night, he brushes his teeth, reads the story , he puts on his pajamas, bring him to see my wife to say good night, my wife, well. it doesn't match what are you talking about his pajamas don't match you have him in spaceships and dinosaurs and I said no, I haven't been a shirt in a pants, if I had him in a shirt and a shirt, you would have an argument that would be bad for his little psyche, like shirt pants, a kind of high-waisted, crotchless Capri. not good for a little spaceship dinosaur let's sleep through that crisis literally no one will ever see the worst case scenario kidnapper mike sticks him under a dome light in the van this little guy doesn't even match up it will not. get any ransom for this unwanted child that's the worst that could happen like an embarrassing amber alert my wife didn't agree she said look here's the deal here's the deal I mind matching pajamas How hard is it for you to make the pajamas match? really and I said it's easy to make a couple look at this and then I turned off the light no don't clap that's why I shouldn't have done that that was bad but you guys are different you like different things that's important you actually become emotional opposites After you become as a couple, did you know this?

When your partner gets really angry emotionally, your instinct is to try to calm them down by acting calmer, which makes them feel clinically crazy for

being

angry, so they get angrier than you. They calm down, they get angry and then. maybe you tell them now to calm down and then maybe someone dies right at that moment we told them to calm down. You try to act as angry as them, but if you want them to calm down, you should probably act twice as angry. Do you see when? I say you're driving, you're stuck behind a slow car in the fast lane, he's really upset right now, if you sit here, calm down, calm down, it makes it worse, but if you say, stop fooling around and get him out of the way. road. read it off the road the police The puppies are the truck can't beat him in the hospital he's killing us look and then he'll say oh well maybe we should both calm down you get married you don't know how different you are when you mean you don't realize how different that you are close to me because you are so sexy and heavy and you love those engaged couples.

They're creepy, they have no idea I was next to an engaged couple on the plane, they're already kissing. because that's what they are and then we take off and they announce an emergency landing, they're going to drain the fuel from the plane and it's scary, scary, I'm worried that the engaged couple will start kissing more, he told her, at least we'll do it. die together I couldn't live without you anyway I'm sick so now I'm terrified and nauseous but that's the committed love phase meanwhile right across the hall is an older married couple I told you we should having taken an earlier flight, they are going to be squeezed. in one last fight before they died because they're married, that's what you do.

I think it's my fault too. I say sleep in and everyone dies. Because of me, why don't you speak louder? Then everyone on the plane will want to die like me. you could do that for the whole plane I want to die I'm taking off my seat belt you see I'm leaving the tray too I want to die the idea of ​​living to face your mother I just think not for Mary G, the activities that were romantic while you were going out you They will make you fight after you get married, remember this, let's go for a walk when you are dating, incredible, how is your married trip?

Great couples who said wonderful, I stare at her, she tells me when I'm wrong. and by when I mean when it's too late every time you should have turned there I should have turned thanks for retaining that information on television is imbued with tafolla the way you put it together. I realized this the first time my wife and I got married in a canoe. Also the last time we went canoeing with my sister and her fiancé saw that they were in the compromised canoe, they are on The Love Boat, we are on the Titanic, the compromised canoe was amazing, he is in the back, driving Like you, she is in front, watching. for rosin left honey a little more left okay my boating bunny then they would hit a rock that was my fault no that was mine but you were that was what they would hit rocks they would argue about who was more amazing and then they would kiss Disgusting, sick, Sick fish were vomiting meanwhile in the married canoe, married canoe, my wife is in front, I'm in the back, she's up there, she's gone, okay, but she's gone, we have to go, let's try your other left, genius Holy mother of fools, have you forgotten your left? from your right, seriously, have you ever noticed the difference if you've been guessing for 32 years and then we take the canoe to the water?

Getting married, canoeing was two hours of looking at the back of her skull, then getting down to my paddle, then coming back. in his skull you should have worn a helmet when the jolly people convince a stone that you have a murderous mailman, you did it halfway so if you're married you both understand that urge to kill, but you don't do it when you're married you never hit You don't even kill your spouse and that's married love, that's all the proof you need when you're married, right? Should you love me baby, you woke up didn't you?

Hey guys, you've been wonderful, good night everyone.