Hispanic Parenting Fails - Dennis Gaxiola - Full special

A Mexican mom doesn't give statistics, she doesn't give facts, she just gives examples, you're going to get wet like your cousin Lupine if I have six children, five boys, a girl, my daughter is my daughter, she's 15 years old, she's beautiful, straight-a student turned varsity cheerleader in her sophomore year the boys are knocking on the door now whats the right age let her die to date let her date 16 no i dont like you i need a dad the dad whats the right age let my daughter date there is no that's a good answer and he's not the right age i told him 33 he said jesus never dated if you survive the lord my dad was a preacher and i found out at 12 it wasn't worth being funny my dad went to church in church preaching and I had one of the kids with him and I'm sitting in the front row of this big church five hundred people on a Sunday morning and before my dad starts preaching I'm surprised son get up and tell the church something about you I am 12 years old I am scared I have a good life I live at home with my mom and dad, what am I going to testify? but i stood up my sense of humor kicked in and i looked at the congregation and i said my name is Dennis and i'm an alcoholic wow wrong girl that's a good joke for the Drybar everyone thinks he grew up in the house from a preacher in a good home everything is perfect now my mom and dad have disagreements but my mom got upset my mom was half mexican half car rican my dad never wanted to lose his temper when he was having to deal with my mom one morning it was saturday we would go fishing early in the morning and my mom started pestering my dad about doing some chores around the house and every time she got mad she would just throw away a scripture or a bible principle don't try this at home she started butting on her case He looked at her and said you are sinless throw the first stone that is the wrong thing to say to a half Mexican half Puerto Rican woman when he said you sin sin cast the first stone she was like jes we are my rock.

I am hallowed and I broke it on the head. I have more jokes. I'm just looking at you, we are different parents. a whole politically correct mentality where you can't if you want to watch politically correct comedy you have to go see a drug free bisexual handicapped native american senior citizen woman driving her electric car to a job at the power plant recycling I'm not the one to do things differently I don't live up to everyone's equal to say we're all the same we're all the same but to say we're all the same denies God's creation as far as I worry that I knew what was doing.

He made everything a little different. See how we raised each ethnic group. It does a little different. No one gives better

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advice than my white brothers and sisters. You give statistics and facts. the boys have flyers on the fridge it's beautiful just say no billy a mexican mom doesn't give statistics doesn't give us facts just gives examples you're going to end up like your cousin lupe some cultures you might answer to your mom if you grew up in a latino house you can't answer to your mom you let your kids start talking back to you they talk back and you let him live i mean let him have his way i remember i thought i was old enough to talk back to my mom he yelled at me and he grounded me for two weeks i had to call my wife to let her know she couldn't come home baby mum is freaking out so i recently turned 40 thanks 10 years ago and over 40 wave if you're over 40 wave ok now if you're not 40 you'll think that this is a joke but if you're over 40 you know I'm telling the truth because you start going through things when you cross 40 that you don't grow through your 30s and 20s a couple of weeks ago I hurt myself sleeping someone no one didn't jump out of bed in my sleep I tore a muscle I'm limping I've been tossing and turning around my house all day.

I didn't know what happened. I couldn't remember it. So then I realized. I have that cramp. Who gets the cramp in the middle of the night. my nap but i was scared im not fit enough to sleep so of course i made that new years resolution to work out i went to the doctor even though i told him you know i wanted a workout plan he said to start with 25 crunches a day I said man that's a lot of chocolate I'm down to 12 bars a day now I feel better but my diabetes is out of control right now I wore black tonight ladies you know secret black makes you look more skinny i think it's trucs i often see chubby white women with black boyfriends just see how far i could go with you guys don't go too far pocket oh this is small by latino standards but this is the biggest i ever had . a high school 3000 kids i went to berkeley high school i was 5ft 2 and weighed 75lbs my freshman year i was almost 200 now and i went to a family party and my cousin boxed me and slapped me in my stuff and said what happened to me i got older you were fat when we were 12 i'm glad they didn't have that booster seat law back then picture me going to prom that means all buttoned up you know you're beautiful jamia mom so i've been married 21 years three wives three wives butter i'm good at it man i just did a show with the couple who had been married for 62 years and i asked him straight from the stage how he's been married so long and the husband said we haven't talked since vietnam now i just got back to marry my first wife after 23 years apart we remarried and I had to go see the church counselor to find out if you wanted to know why we wanted to remarry and say heh because I miss half of my things.

No, the hardest part to break up because we were childhood sweethearts. custody battle we're right there in court arguing take them don't take them and she some of her laugh the rest of you were praying for me so i just finished a twelve based tour for the air force i was sent to doing 12 shows across the country for the air force it was amazing to come back and the performance i was in the air force myself so it's amazing to come back let me do a check here with room how many military veterans do we have tonight clap your hands if you're the military veteran, ok, let's do a room check where are the veterans of the army that army surrender for the army over there Marines where are the marines there are marines here no no no everyone stand still what a look once a marine always a marine they don't know when the war ends i don't have marine jokes where is the navy however anyone in the navy anyone serving than anyone buy in Old Navy and Air Force, being in the air force with me here, leave it there, we came this close to being in the military, you don't realize how hard it is. t when you're in the Air Force until you get out and have to go to the VA to be with all the other vets.

I see a limp body of a sailor going to Vietnam took a bullet. I see an army soldier go golf shopping. He still wanted to act tough. It was like carpal tunnel email from the US Air Force oh five I'm better now so I'm out leagues 12:12 air force bases one of the bases was so deep in Texas that the nearest airport it was in mexico they said we could either fly to mexico or drive six hours across texas to get to this base i said i'm not flying to mexico i know who won the election you're not going to get rid of me so we drove from san antonio to the base everything the road through the border and an hour from the base we are stopped by an immigration checkpoint me and two other comedians I am driving the rented car and I stop at an immigration checkpoint and I quote the immigration officer who walks get in the car and our jew says oh joy citizen in a strident unison and then there's me In Albuquerque, New Mexico, when we performed at a base where we got there, we were informed about how secret this base was, but they had the balloon festival at The erostats and the hot air balloons were accidentally hovering over the base and landing and I witnessed this and the military police were very nice, they just escorted them off the base.

I saw this happen and called my uncle in Mexico. I said there's a new way in. They can't build a wall big enough for this one. oh that would make him mad huh we've had hot air balloons what do you mean they're floating over the wall? We are going to tax the air, we are going to tax there. I am not from the left. I am not right -ah, you know, I got my political opinions from my grandfather, a very wise old man, early thinking in Mexico. I grew up poor I'm not ashamed to say I grew up or anyone grew up poor not bad growing up poor you learn things when you're poor he wouldn't know if you had money when I was seven the family car was a 1965 Chevy Impala that wasn't a lowrider on purpose we had a big family and a hoopty we ain't something about a hoopty she gotta call the jalopy she was caught yelling now this car had no reverse because the transmission was bad she couldn't turn left because the steering column was bad . jokes like this, okay, this is a testimonial right now.

I was seven when we had this hoop - you couldn't even turn left, but by the age of seven I already knew that three rights equals two left rich kids. I didn't know my teachers thought I was advanced would you want to ask my dad for directions he black is fine man do a good do a good do a good and you'll be fine we were poor for dinner we all had was a helper no burger just the helper you know what it is hard travel you know it's hard to travel and be a good person has anyone experienced that when you try your best to be nice and friendly but today's flight i'm in the window seat the plane was

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and it's not the man's fault it's a big man to see this small but he had to sit next to me he's spilling on my seat it's not his fault but before we're even in the air he falls asleep and as time rose in the He's snoring and his head is on my shoulder, he's fast asleep and I started nudge him to get him off me and then I heard in my heart what would Jesus do, man I didn't know, Jesus flew southwest I kept going listening to what Jesus would do, that's what I thought. about it i was like the man jesus raised the dead so i looked at the innocents wait we get up i make all these jokes about being mexican and i'm a grandpa where grandpa is where grandpas are yeah greg yeah yeah Your daughter's son's grandchildren for my son will bear your name I have t two grandchildren a second son gave me two grandchildren but his wife is Irish Italian I have nico and nolan they have my last name but they are little boys with blue eyes and freckled faces without which I can't even take you to the mall an amber alert goes well I'm going to make a good impression for you.

I can't do characters or other people. they know. I have a high-pitched, squeaky voice. I know they still call me ma'am on the phone. I called my friend My friends name is Jeff Turns out Jeff is black. His daughter answered the phone. I told him he could talk to Jeff. I'm working on a new print now. I'll debut her for this

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right here. I don't know if you're ready for this one. This is my impression of a Latin proposal. you were laughing some of you were making the sign of the cross and i said very well same joke with a different twist this is my impression of a black proposal in the case of jamil eighteen months you are the father.

I told Lu. You can spell it both ways. I have one more impression for you. This one almost gave me a beating. This is not about the friendly, kind, compassionate, loving, God fearing people of Provo Utah I was two hours north of Sacramento California in a Native American casino one night a month they do comedy there 700 non-Indian cowboys I did the Latino proposals they laughed i did they laughed at the black proposal so i thought these were some really cool good guys and i did this impression one more time this is not about the friendly people here tonight this is my impression of a redneck proposal don't tell mom 700 people no one laughed the guy sitting right next to the stage jumps because that's not funny wants to fight the other side bro sit down man he's about my age and he said the man will have a fit to the heart before we hit him just sit down but he keeps walking the insecurities arrived and they grabbed him and took him out of the theater and he leaves I'll see you after the show he just threatened me you bastard has to be funny so I said the first thing that came to my mind how are you going to catch me I'm in a Mercedes you have a trailer that's how security was that that's enough Paco how did I become Paco for her we said there are these jokes about being Mexican no I speak fluent Spanish that was on a show and I mentioned once on this lady who is like a big salad in Latino cultures if you're not fluent you're fluent in Spanish but if not honey I got mad at you and this lady He said: oh, you're a sellout you're not a true Mexican oh yes that's how Mexican I am my youngest son when he was born he was already an uncle noyou understand nothing more than that true people get nervous we joke about race we act like race is the biggest problem in america i think it's the media the media wants to divide us travel across the country go to rooms of all different colors different people and we all laugh together the media do a really good job acting like we can't get along we have problems but our problems are nothing compared to other parts of the world where they hate each other so much they will put a bomb in their own body to kill themselves themselves and their enemies because of ethnic and religious differences you'll never see that in america you'll never see a redneck get on the bus in oakland california and go in the name of a kkk okay men don't sit idle with that joke right there, uh, I have a really mixed family, I have a black brother-in-law, a Jewish brother-in-law, a Puerto Rican sister. -The law my wife is Puerto Rican but no other combinations work out perfectly for her.

You know that my nephew is Mexican and a Jew wants to have a car but he is not sure whether to steal it or buy it wholesale, he plays soccer and goes to the interior -School of the city ​​in California, he's the only player I go to. a game because his dad is sick so I go to the game with him uncle will be there with you two soccer teams he is the only kid on the field who is not 100% mexican and he is getting ready to go into the game and he is stretching and I try to make him laugh and relax I'm going to climb the fence and they yell at me you can do it one of the parents sitting behind me says Jess chuka I don't speak Spanish like I said I'm still proud of my culture there's nothing wrong everyone should be proud of your own culture there's nothing wrong with having some tribal pride it's ok i have those moments where it just bursts out at me like on my birthday last year my sister gave me a card for starbucks i don't even drink a lot of coffee but I didn't go to anyone at Starbucks and there was a long line.

Nobody asked for coffee. Everyone asked for elegant dreams. now it's my turn to order and i'm looking at the menu and i'm nervous and i saw they had a spicy mocha so i said lemme get a soy spicy mocha and when they called my drink at the end of the coffee bar the girl was like spicy soy mocha and i had a burst of latino pride and i was like so many gamma if you don't laugh you didn't pay attention in spanish class i'm trying to grow a beard so i think i'm more like my dad but my mom was how you look like your grandma he met her tears over there my sense of humor i got it from my mom my mom was funny she even knew she was funny he knows someone like that naturally it's funny they don't try to be funny for my mom's birthday a few years ago we took her to dinner and then we took her to see the movie the passion of the christ how many people saw the movie the passion of the christ if some of you did i don't want to ruin the ending he doesn't make it three days later secu We took my mom to see the Passion of the Christ and they threw us out of the cinema, you are very hard to be thrown out of a movie when I It's a good, clean and healthy movie.

They kicked us out because the whole movie my mom was yelling good and Jesus called. I have 30 any 30 30 true how many sir give them a round of applause now all marriages e

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ly women I want to help you with this lie that says that men do not communicate ladies we do not communicate with you because we know that if we say something wrong it does not ruin that moment it could ruin a whole period of time i'll show you i had a golf trip planned with my uncle and cousins ​​we are going to monterey california only three hours away i had this trip planned for two weeks i didn't tell my wife i was born playing golf until the morning i slipped out of bed very quietly i got dressed i washed i went back to the room i kissed him on the forehead and he said ok i'm going to play golf.

I just woke her up, when did you plan? i said it two weeks ago you barely tell me now why you've been mad for two weeks i love you never forget ladies that man you're married to is nothing but a big boy ok don't kill the little boy in his man is well if you like to play videogames don't be mad you play videogame quest even though she said no he looked at her like she was sad are you ok sir? just blink and we'll take you to a shelter tonight sir like a 12 year old who got grounded right there i looked like i play video games i see i still like syria where men need cereal i still go to bed with a bowl of cereal i start my day with a bowl of life and I finish him off with the bowl of life and there's a plan behind it I eat cereal of life every day in case something happens to me everyone can go he was so

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of life that's the dumbest joke i ever wrote, i have a trophy wife too, now i know it's not correct to say i refer to my wife as a trophy but i'm proud of everyone.

If you're in love, that's your trophy. and like your husband and wife that's your trophy but not everyone got a first place trophy you got a first place trophy certainly well you put your arm around her you're like well I won she got a plate, but you scream. to my two black brothers and sisters in the back, right now, i asked them what the black community in Provo was and told them they would be at the show tonight. it's a global meltdown by people all over the world you know and the most racist thing i ever experienced as a kid was not from a white person it was from a black man and he was my friend and this was before people had to start having his feelings on facebook i went to school with the boy named kenny and for eight years from middle school to high school every day kenny called me taco. to school with my brother I was taco my brother was salsa what's up taco listen to salsa taco salsa every day for the whole school I didn't get mad I didn't file a complaint I just thought about it I said a taco is a crunchy shell full of delicious ingredients how Did Kenny know a thing?

I know about comedies. You have to know the line wherever you go across the country. You have to know the line. Every ethnic group is different in what is sensitive and what is not sensitive here. You are great. Go south. They should have a passport. to go south any of Biloxi Mississippi I was booked into a country-western bar in Biloxi Mississippi and I knew the show was going to be in trouble when the guy who booked me said we want to book you that's the way he talks to all of us I'm going to book for Cinco de Mayo.

I'm already booked. Those were delayed. I didn't tell you when the show would be. We will do it in February. So I went and I knew I was in trouble when I used the men's room and in the bathroom there was a swastik a talk about a laxative but we started showing off and it's going great we're having a good time people are laughing and I just take one because there are good guys and bad guys in every group we know that from the back of the club and he in the back of the bar this good old man yells at the pitcher now they've called me all the ethnic slurs you could call mexican you start to insulting me from groups I don't even belong to that's going too far there are embarrassed people in there you're making that look dumber there was good and bad in every group there were some good people you have to show you want to meet me this man never met a mexican he he approached me he took off a sheet you are so funny for letting it be known that that is a latino man Pollo Leno latino now he uses a non old chicken that is a man from Chicago she got high spanish finally cut emojis look I don't care she calls me just don't call me lazy you'll never see a mexican on a street corner what the sign will work for food you could s Look at us on that very corner selling food.

You give us the bicycle that is an ice cream truck. You give us a truck that is a fruit stand. Play and give us an RV. Well, that's a restaurant. Hey, where is your restaurant? I am very proud of the diversity of my culture. I had a friend who had never been to a Mexican restaurant and I took him there and he didn't understand the menu. He started questioning everything and I was bragging about how deep and diverse that Latino is. cultures are he goes well what is a taco versus a tortilla stuffed with meat and lettuce and cheese and sour cream is delicious he goes what is a burrito i said what sir tortilla stuffed with what is a fajita also do it yourself boy i think they were the same me i think we are different look at how we define miracles each ethnicity defines miracles differently white miracle is different from black miracle is different from latin miracle different from chinese miracle our asian miracle white miracle Your miracles are usually due to someone i was getting a taste of nature, you see it on the news, they were cross country skiing, got caught in the blizzard and barely made it out. caught in a blizzard rosealee ROI i know if there's snow on the mountain that's a Lord's Day message off the mountain white miracle dipped in a black miracle black miracles more light and then the judge dropped the charges bro if you can see the people turning like this or like that damn martha i can't turn around who says she's happy they're marching gonna do a different march black miracle an asian miracle an asian miracle more like today i drive to work no one I honk and that's Latin America definitive Latino Miracles more like I'm not pregnant One thing about comedy like I said before you have to know The line I play in the south The line is different from here different in Cali Fornia still you have to make him laugh.

There are still comedy clubs in the South, like in South Carolina, where Friday nights are for white people. Saturday nights are for blacks. Tensions run so high I'm going south here's the line when I got all the audience I was Presley's lady Dale Earnhardt died that's the line right there you make a Dale Earnhardt joke you hear the banjos go I was on BT Black Entertainment Television had me for nine seasons i was the mexican on BT i know the line with my black brothers and sisters here is the line dr. Martin Luther King President Obama and not listening to black people very proud to hear that they let you know I heard they are very proud ok sir can you laugh at that joke go to a big latino concert that's my people I know the line here for this a big latino concert the raiders selena and jesus in that order you could talk to the toughest gang cholo and then you say the wrong thing about the lord he'll be like hey man that's it the lord died for you and me fool the go meter man it's no it's a real gun it's like it's so violent im gonna put it away ok lorraine i saw her jump and i was ruining it now i grew up in berkeley california the melting pot of the world but when i travel i tell the people who come from the San Francisco Bay Area who have been to San Francisco I tell people I'm from San Francisco right away, they say yes, earthquakes.

I think San Francisco is the greatest region in the world for one reason and one reason only. I don't care how big your event is. is if you bring it to san francisco it will be overtaken by an everyday event follow me on this you could bring a big event to san francisco it will be overtaken by something very San Francisco a couple of years ago it was navy fleet week on saturday afternoon 400,000 people lined up at Fisherman's Wharf I was there two hours early because at 3 o'clock the Blue Angels of the Navy are going to come flying under the Golden Gate Bridge and swoosh past Fisherman's Wharf 400,000 people 3 o'clock I'm there 2 hours early but at 2:59 he was 6 foot 8 in high hills hot pink shorts a tank top and scarf and he just came strutting back oh lord witness