UNHhhh Ep 85: "Driving" with Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova

oh my god Oh oh god oh boy here we go hello I'm Trixie Mattel Trixie Mattel that's a good way yeah I'm an old lady walking down the street with a lot of bag no scoop and I'm a lightly seasoned roast Cornish. game ahead Katya welcome to the show where we talk about whatever we want because it's our stuff and not yours drive it oh okay let's get back to the art of the origin story about your 15th driver's ed you never took it you just can't never take it. I didn't get my license, I'm always 18 years old.

I got mine at 16 and it took me four tries. He did stupid things. I would get nervous and go down one side in the opposite direction. Stop. I almost hit a pedestrian. It was too much. a lot of theater was too much, it's stressful, I was very loved by Horowitz, I stopped completely, you know, but in Los Angeles I never bought a car, I don't miss having a car, I'd rather run somewhere, let your body be in peace . your car when people look at my body they think Prius is slavery it has a strange shape yes again c4 yes my first car was a 94 Dodge Intrepid in emerald green oh that's funny yes I hit a lot of deer, a lot of deer in the northeast Wisconsin deer are just running.

Deer love the road because it's an open clearing and don't they intentionally try to get hit for insurance money? I don't know about the deer, we have a deer backstage, let's ask, we have. a right tail deer Davis Andy wait he just said my real name lyft and uber has relieved the bloat that you need a car in LA it's not that cheap and you can see around and do the parade in the part back of the car, do your thing, something about uber do a podcast and he kept looking at me. I kept looking in the rearview mirror and at first I thought it was homophobia, but once you looked enough times, this is reverse homophobia, this is cross-dressing.

I like it, wouldn't you do it in that time of the Church of Satan? You just didn't belong, yeah, and he reaches out. behind while he drives and with his hand going down my leg like it was like a pantyhose commercial, it was like a hand outstretched like duty, Ron was playing the music, my legs just Minh while he was disgusting, I was a little turned on by the feeling to be wishes, yes. You should have been torn to shreds. I'm more of a hellish guy, a nude model. You know, I wore a rental suit. I'd be fascinated to see how you would behave if you ever liked doing it.

Do it dressed as a woman. I think I would be like that. a long lasting matte lip color, you would feminize your voice, it's a gift, I think I would like it, okay, you beat him and I'll be bad, I really want to put salt, you're bringing, you know, like there are no words, yeah, I will only always support you. I know I have these manuals, they will sound things wherever you can, it's like a bar or I just have those to distract. I would have a group of women. I would have a child. First you need to talk kid and then I would recommend you.

I'd be like Jennifer Aniston, yeah, I'd like that, thanks for coming, like whatever and then the guy would come and have a chat. It would be backlit so you can't see my face, but my silhouette is taken away and there would be a tape recorder and being like it would be like the sexy version of those of you, people are interviewed on those things in life and there are silhouettes there, the voice is modulated, oh yes, yes, we like to do my segment now, these girls on the stone topic, do you have? ever had sex in the car I haven't had sex sex but I've done a lot Stephanie mom earplugs my boyfriend in high school that was important Lee older than me okay my sex in a self full penetration Congress no, oh but We did things like done and that's not sex I'd like the theater like in the comedy like Oops, I kicked the shifter at me in a you know, high end, a Sinatra, no, hi, I'm Bay Hyundai Sonata , flying off a cliff, yeah, I love that if you put it in neutral and you don't realize it, it takes you like 20 minutes to realize that you've been rolling down the main road for longer.

I thought the cars were on a track because the roads were so small I didn't understand how people didn't hit each other, so I thought, "Oh, it'll be on a track," so I thought you couldn't even go off the road. if you wanted to because you're on it like a The truck was kind of like um, I really don't know, like a train, it's like a car on a track, look, is what you're saying, can you tell a lot about people by their cars, surely my sister, do I have her car? I'm like standing on garbage, it's like McDonald's and the floor is covered in stuff.

I think this is disgusting. I like it every time you get in someone's car and they tell you not to mind the message. It's dirty here. There is like one. little do you know meanwhile iPhone in the Chipotle wrapper on my bed last night I found my boyfriend boyfriend if you're going to buy a car a fancy car would you like a fancy new car like Tesla or like a sexy vintage car a sexy vintage car? but it has to work the way I want it to in one of those um you know when they have the devil in a movie he always drives the classic Mercedes you want Christine that's what yeah that's right put the car in it of course yeah oh you can have a life. by itself when I'm in this we used to die for your bet definitely my my brother before he had a license we would do it at 3:00 in the morning we would steal my mom's car we would drive like a bat out of hell around the neighborhood like, like you know, ninety, yeah, and then, but one night we hit a mailbox and it took off the rearview mirror or this nice linear, well, they discovered it the next day because it was complete, mom was like who.

I took the car out I wasn't involved because I was in the back seat I just didn't know what I didn't know was going on just very vulnerable why I drive that's how you know I see people

driving

now and in a way like they were

driving

and I passed by like ah , sorry, why are you driving? You could be, can you? I must tell you this. I don't drive a car, but I do have an adult kart designed to look like a child's Barbie. Surely you have it? And I don't have a car and I have a two-car garage.

No throwing a party there and wearing a Barbie. I've seen you in that thing. You really know how to do it. It's fast, but it is. It's not street legal, so I'll hop on and get a little drunk. I put on sunglasses and a hat. The lady recognized me. I took a perfect 1200. I was driving back from God knows where one night when I masturbated. The car while I was driving I was on a boat Yeah, I'm done on the highway, it was probably like 2 or 3 in the morning driving home from Worcester. Which street was sexy for you?

No, no, it's just that the street is just my inner type, you know? The mood was also dull and by the way if you are driving on the road you should know the rules. The road oh, I don't know it, oh, I don't know the rules at all. I don't love anyone, yes. I think I'm a bad driver because I think everything will work out for you. I don't really check too much because I feel like it's a natural selection, yeah, why I feel like I don't know, maybe it's like I'm entitled, but I just feel like everything's going to be okay, you say if this is it, this is Marty, yes, even though I trust the defensive drivers around me, how do you steal a car?

Do people still steal cars? Yes, you have to do Hotwire. that's still a thing no because if you steal a car to plug it in you can't really resell it there's no key do it no no you can't take it to the Chop Shop I mean the Chop Shop yeah take it apart I think No. heavy, will get you there very soon these teeth, yes, 40 50 dollars, it's pretty recoverable but it needs a whole new hairline and a personality. I hate Drive, I hate it, I don't miss it at all, I hate it, oh you know, I hate cats too. calling from the car I feel like that's very '90s, the worst I've ever been with drag queens where they look like a dad with a baby with his family, yeah, and they say you want me to suck your face.

I say, yeah, she has She got married right out of high school and had kids because she was waiting for your cross-dressing and asked you to pull up in a minivan, yeah, and she was screaming. I know a leprechaun with no eyebrows like, "Give me that, give you one thing, dad, oh, oh, you know what's really important." Do you have oil? Do you have to have the oil gibberish? I know how far to wet the stick, but I can't read it, so I love to dip the stick, clean it, and say I don't know what I did. actually, you know, there's nothing more satisfying than putting on your hood by bending down to look, you know.

Oh, with leaning in, I like to wait until the kids walk by and then take a little peek when I'm doing it. I thought I knew better that that wasn't your car and I think I know anyway, if you guys like cars we have one, we'll give you a 1992 Toyota Tercel Bob Pisani, drive safe, always wear a hat, don't forget Buckle up, people tell me they have similar transformations when they drive across the country. Oh, I did, it wasn't very transformative. We spent Christmas and Amarillo, Texas had a waitress named Tammy at Brown Teeth. Hello mom, how much time a day do you do? what you spend on your phone is, are you glad you're gone?

I really hope I'm not that person. I'm not thanking. Yeah, if I wasn't so beautiful, I probably wouldn't use the phone ever. I remember the knife came out. everyone was like it's space, it's the visualization job Tom, I had one, I actually make it full, but you get it really satisfying like, oh, the drama of ending a call, yeah, I missed the rotary, you know, because you can take a kind of pause. and ponder, oh yeah, I miss the smoke signals mm-hmm, did you have t9t nine? Get rid of the name Brian, you know this, oh yeah, Asian changes than Asians, yeah, I wish I knew what t9 changed Trixie to, now she'll probably just be born a four letter. word, I would change a six-letter word to a four-letter word, yeah, I think that's okay, yeah.