Trump In India: Cricket, Vegetarian Food, Fun With Pronunciation

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW", EVERYONE. I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK. I HAVE MISSED THESE PEOPLE. THIS WEEKEND, DEMOCRATS DID SOMETHING THAT PREVIOUSLY SEEMED UNIMAGINABLE: THEY COUNTED THE VOTES IN A CAUCUS. (LAUGHTER) I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THAT IN TONIGHT'S... I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA. DONALD TRUMP'S WORST NIGHTMARE. WE ARE IN EACH OTHER'S THROAT. HE WON A LOT OF MONEY. CORN POP WAS A BAD GUY. DO YOU KNOW WHO NUMBER ONE IS? TRIUMPH! "PATH OF FURY TOWARDS THE WHITE HOUSE." 2020! BE A WITNESS! (Applause and applause) Stephen: TONIGHT, BACK TO FURY ROAD.

Jon: THAT HEAD. Stephen: TONIGHT IN THE VROOM-VROOM SCREAM FACE, NEVADA CAUCUS, AND IT'S THE FUGITIVE WINNER FROM VERMONT, SENATOR AND FORMER JOHN MULANEY, BERNIE SANDERS. SANDERS was coming off narrow popular vote victories in Iowa and New Hampshire, but Bernie won Nevada with 46% of the vote, including a diverse coalition of immigrants, college students, Latina mothers, younger black voters, white liberals, and even some moderates. AND SINCE IT WAS SNOWY, HE ALSO GOT VOTES FROM THE BLACKJACK DISTRIBUTORS, FROM THE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, AND FROM THAT GUY SITTING ALONE AT THE PRIME RIB BUFFET MUMBURING "HOW AM I GOING TO TELL MARJORIE?" (LAUGHTER) BERNIE CELEBRATED HIS VICTORY OF HER IN NEVADA BY CONTRASTING HIS MOVEMENT OF HER WITH TRUMP'S.

THEY BELIEVE THEY ARE GOING TO WIN THESE ELECTIONS BY DIVIDING OUR PEOPLE BASED ON THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN OR WHERE THEY WERE BORN OR THEIR RELIGION OR THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION. WE ARE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE WE ARE DOING EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. STEPHEN: (AS BERNIE) "WHAT I'M SAYING IS: MULTIRACIAL, MULTIGENERATIONAL ORGY IN MY HOUSE! (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) I PROMISE YOU WILL FEEL THE BERNIE." (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) "AND BERNA WILL FEEL YOU!" (LAUGHTER) THE NEVADA RESULTS WERE ALSO A BOOST FOR THE MARCHING CAMPAIGN OF JOE BIDEN, WHO CAME SECOND WITH 20% OF THE VOTES, AND TOLD HIS SUPPORTERS THAT JOE-MENTUM IS BACK!

YOU PUT ME IN A POSITION-- YOU KNOW, THE PRESS IS READY TO DECLAR PEOPLE DEAD QUICKLY, BUT WE'RE ALIVE AND WE'RE BACK AND WE'RE GOING TO WIN. STEPHEN: PRESENTING THAT YOU'RE ALIVE MAY NOT BE THE MOST EXCITING CAMPAIGN CRY. "FRIENDS, WE BREATH ON OUR OWN. THE TUBES ARE OUT, THE PANTS ARE ON, AND THIS MORNING, I ATE A WHOLE THING OF APPLE SAUCE! NOW SPONGE BATH ME AND SEND ME AWAY -- (LAUGHTER) (Applause and applause) NOW SPONGE BATH ME AND ROLL TOWARDS SOUTH CAROLINA!" HERE WE GO! (LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT, WRONG WAY, COME ON GUYS. COME ON!

THANK YOU. MANY MODERATE DEMOCRATS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING A DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST AT THE TOP OF THE TICKET. LAST NIGHT, "60 MINUTES" AIRED AN INTERVIEW WITH BERNIE AND HE DIDN'T DO MUCH TO pacify his critics. WE ARE VERY OPPOSITE TO THE AUTHORITARY NATURE OF CUBA, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT IS UNFAIR TO JUST SAY THAT EVERYTHING IS WRONG. KNOW? WHEN FIDEL CASTRO TOOK POST, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? IT HAD A MASSIVE LITERACY PROGRAM. IS THAT SOMETHING WRONG? EVEN THOUGH FIDEL CASTRO DID IT? STEPHEN: WHAT, NO-- BERNIE ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE AT MSNBC? YOU SOUND LIKE FIDEL CASTRO'S MOM. "NOW I KNOW FIDEL DID A LOT OF MURDERING, BUT LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF MACARONI HE MADE IN THE THIRD GRADE.

THESE LITTLE ROTINI HERE ARE THE GRAVES OF HIS ENEMIES." (LAUGHTER) WRIF RIFF BUT BERNIE TRIED A STRANGE PIVOT WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT THE CENTRAL PLATFORM OF HIS CAMPAIGN. MANY VOTERS ARE VOTING FOR CANDIDATES WHO DO NOT ASK FOR MEDICARE FOR ALL, WHO DO NOT ASK FOR A REVOLUTION. DOES EVERYONE REALLY WANT A REVOLUTION LIKE THAT? YES, LET'S BE EASY WITH THE WORD REV-- POLITICAL REVOLUTION, YOU KNOW? WE ARE-- WE ARE TRYING TO FOLLOW-- YOU ARE THE ONE USING THE WORD. WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW-- I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO EXCESS. STEPHEN: WHAT?! RAFF LAUGH NOW DON'T YOU WANT US TO EXCESS THE WORD REVOLUTION?

THAT'S YOUR WHOLE BRAND. THIS IS LIKE NIKE SUDDENLY CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO "DON'T OVER OVER IT." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) AND Jon: YES, JUST DO IT! ONLY A LITTLE. JUST A LITTLE ♪ ♪ OH, JUST A LITTLE ♪ Stephen: AT ONE MOMENT BERNIE GOT A LITTLE CHEEKY. ONE OF YOUR CRITICS IN THE SENATE, JOE BIDEN, HAS SAID THAT YOU NEVER DONE ANYTHING. AMY KLOBUCHAR HAS BEEN... ARE YOU ANGRY? I'M NOT ANGRY. JUST SILENT, THAT'S ALL. (LAUGHTER) STEPHEN: I KNOW BERNIE HAD A HEART ATTACK, BUT IS HE DEFLATING TOO? (AS BERNIE) "TOP 1% OF THE-- SSSSSSS-- SOMEBODY GET MY BOMB!" "BOMB ME! SOMEONE!" (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) Jon: BOMB IT! (LAUGHTER) (PIANO RIFF) OH, YES, GOOD FRIEND.

Stephen: WHILE DEMOCRATS FIGHT AT HOME, TRUMP IS ABROAD IN INDIA. HERE HE IS GIVING PRIME MINISTER NARENDRA MODI THE TRADITIONAL AMERICAN GREETING OF SLIPING YOUR HAND INSIDE SOMEONE'S CLOTHES. (LAUGHTER) (AS TRUMP) "We've ONLY known each other a short time, but I think we're ready for things under the vest." (LAUGHTER) TRUMP'S FIRST STOP WAS AT MAHATMA GANDHI'S HOUSE, WHERE HE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPIN A REPLICA OF THE WHEEL THAT GANDHI USED TO MAKE HIS OWN CLOTHES. THAT'S ADORABLE. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO WORK IN ONE OF IVANKA'S FACTORIES. (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) Jon: Putting it out there, huh?

THANK YOU. Stephen: THE BIG EVENT OF THE DAY WAS A BIG POLITICAL RIDE FOR THE PRESIDENT CALLED "NAMASTE TRUMP." WHICH I REALLY HOPE THAT MEANS I HAD TO DO YOGA PUBLICLY. (AS TRUMP) "FIRST, I'M GOING DOWN, LIKE A DOG! NOW, SUN SALUTATION: HELLO, ERIC!" A (LAUGHTER) "NAMASTE TRUMP" WAS MODI'S WAY OF THANKING TRUMP FOR A Rally IN SEPTEMBER, WHEN TRUMP JOINED THE PRIME MINISTER IN TEXAS FOR AN EVENT CALLED "HOWDY MODI!" (LAUGHTER) WHICH WAS MUCH BETTER THAN TRUMP'S EVENT WITH THE CHINESE PRESIDENT, "THAT'S WHAT XI SAID." (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) TRUMP OPENED HIS SPEECH LIKE THIS: TODAY INDIA WELCOMES US INTO THE LARGEST CRICKET STADIUM IN THE WORLD RIGHT HERE IN AHMEDABAD. (Applause) IT IS A DEEP HONOR TO BE THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM.

STEPHEN: YES, HE JUST SAID, "IT'S A DEEP HONOR TO BE THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM." (LAUGHTER) HE USED TO PUT HIS NAME ON BUILDINGS. NOW YOU WANT TO BE THEM. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) HE'S A STROKER. IT'S A CHIN stroker. OF COURSE, BECAUSE HE WAS IN INDIA, TRUMP HAD TO PROVE THAT ENGLISH IS NOT THE ONLY LANGUAGE HE STRUGGLES WITH: NAMASTE. THE PRIDE OF GUJARAT. SOME OF THE BEST CRICKET PLAYERS IN THE WORLD BY SUE CHIN TENDLEKUR. AS THE GREAT RELIGIOUS MASTER SWAMI VIVEKANANDA ONCE SAID-- (LAUGHTER) STEPHEN: YES, SWAMI VI-VAY-KUNUNDUNDE ONCE SAID, "THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW YOU PRONOUNCE MY NAME." Later that day, TRUMP VISITED THE TAJ MAHAL, WHICH WAS THE MODEL FOR ONE OF ATLANTIC CITY'S INFAMOUS FAILED CASINOS. (AS TRUMP) "IN HONOR OF THE TAJ MAHAL, I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER THIS TRADITIONAL HINDU PRAYER." ♪ LUCK, BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪ ♪ LUCK IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN A LADY TO BEGIN ♪ (LAUGHTER) (PIANO RIFF) (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) THERE'S A CHALLENGE TO TRUMP IN INDIA BECAUSE MODI IS A DEDICATED VEGETARIAN AND PLANNING SERVE VEGETARIAN FOOD TO THE PRESIDENT.

OH LORD. WE ARE GOING TO WAR WITH INDIA. (LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW I LOVE TALKING ABOUT SPORTS, IT'S MY THING. I TALK ABOUT THAT ALL THE TIME. WE EDITED IT, BUT MAINLY I TALK ABOUT SPORTS, AND TODAY WE HAVE AN INSPIRING STORY FROM THE WORLD OF HOCKEY. ON SATURDAY NIGHT N.H.L. MATCH BETWEEN THE CAROLINA HURRICANES AND THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS, BOTH OF THE HURRICANES' GOALKEEPERS WERE INJURED. SO THEY CALLED ZAMBONI'S DRIVER TO BE THEIR EMERGENCY GOALKEEPER, AND HE WON HIS N.H.L. DEBUT! (Applause and applause) HE WON! INCREDIBLE! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! (APPLAUSE) HE WON WITH THE HELP OF HIS DISTINCTIVE MOVE: PARKING THE ZAMBONI IN FRONT OF THE GOAL. (LAUGHTER) BIG D.

THE HOCKEY HERO'S NAME IS DAVID AYRES, AND HE'S NOT JUST A ZAMBONI DRIVER, HE'S ALSO AN ARENA MAINTENANCE WORKER. HERE IS A VIDEO OF THE LOCKER ROOM AFTER THE WIN. (Applause and applause) THAT'S AMAZING. IT'S SO LOVELY. IT IS SO NICE. YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO CLEAN ALL THAT UP, DON'T YOU? WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, AND... OWW. OH. OH! THE CURRENT THROWED ME. I DON'T THINK I CAN FINISH. Jon: Oh, no. DON'T WORRY, STEPHEN, I'VE GOT YOU! Stephen: IT'S DAVID AYRES! ZAMBONI HOCKEY HERO DAVID AYRES TO ALL! (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE) (PIANO RIFF) DAVID!

DAVID! (Applause and applause) DAVID, I HAVE THROWN MY CORTIVA, CAN YOU HELP ME? I'LL FINISH. TONIGHT WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU. WHEN WE RETURN, WARREN REGISTERS BLOOMBERG ON THE BOARDS! STAY! STEPHEN: WOOOO!