"How The British Took Over India" - TREVOR NOAH (from "Afraid Of The Dark" on Netflix)

- When you think about colonization, it is the strangest thing you can imagine. Because conquering is one thing. You go to another country, you take what's theirs, you want more, you take the land, you know, you take the resources, you kill the people. I understand that, but colonization... I don't approve; I understand. But colonization is strange because you go there and you don't just take over. Then you force people to become you. That's such a strange concept. When you think about where the British did it... I mean, they... you know, they did it in Africa, they... you know, they did it in Asia.

And think of India. These cultures could not be more diametrically opposed. And out of nowhere, the British decided to withdraw. Imagine how the Indians must have felt that day. (Audience laughs) Minding his own business, walking through a field. The next thing you knew, the British appeared on horseback. (imitating the sound of hooves) (fanfare) (audience laughing) Hear, hear! By order of Her Majesty the Queen, we have arrived! (audience laughing) You over there! What is this land called? Is there land around here? This is called "India". Well, good man, I am here to tell you that India is now under the British Empire! (Audience laughs) And I'm glad I can tell you that India is exactly where it was yesterday. (Audience laughs) No, no, no, I feel like you don't understand what I'm saying.

I let you know that we are here to colonize you by order of the Queen. Who is the queen? (Audience laughs) The Queen, the Queen of England, the ruler of Great Britain! She who was ordained by God. What God? (audience laughing) God. The only true God. There are many gods, my friend. What is the name of your God? (Audience laughs) There is only one God, and his name is God, and you will worship him too! You want me to worship a god, but you don't want to tell me his name? (audience laughing) What are you talking about?

There are many gods, okay? There is Shiva, there is Lakshmi, there is Hare Krishna. There are many gods. What is the name of your God? (audience laughing) His name is God! Don't you know the name of your god? (audience laughing) He is simply God. Is he like mom or dad? (Audience laughs) You want me to worship your god, but you don't want to tell me his name, huh? How am I going to pray to him? What should I do? Every morning, I wake up and I pray like, "Oh, dear God, dear God, I was hoping that maybe, God, you could help me...

No, no, I'm sorry, not you, another god. No, no, another god No, no, no... Wrong God, no, god. I was trying to talk to another... No, no, no, you're right. No, no, god, no, another God, please No, god behind that god No, you today, god, another God. You're right, he told me you would know who I was talking to and I didn't... No, no, another god, please. no, that god..." Then I wonder why my prayers don't get answered, huh? (audience applauding) How dare you talk to me like that! Do you know who I am? No, because you never showed up.

I have come here representing Great Britain! And I've never heard of Britain. Who gave you that name? (Audience laughs) Well, well, well, we did it. Are they considered "cool"? Isn't that a bit presumptuous? (audience laughs) Shouldn't you wait for other people to tell you how great you are, huh? Shouldn't you just go around the world and do good things, good things, good things?... Then people say: "My God, Britain, look how great you are!" (Audience laughs) Well, I disagree. I think we were able to do it because we knew instinctively. We are Great Britain. Well, in that case, welcome to Greater India. (Audience laughs) No, no...

It doesn't work like that! It does not work like that! How dare you talk to me like that? Look, you're the one who dares to talk to me, okay? I was here minding my own business back home. You came here, riding your thin cow, telling me that things are going to change. I do not know who you are. All I know is that you're clearly crazy, okay? You don't feel very well. And I didn't want to say anything, but you look like you're going to faint. In fact, it looks like you died last week, okay? Something is very wrong with your skin.

You don't look good, my friend. Maybe you should go down. We have a curry; we talked about this. What are you talking about? I look pretty normal! You don't look normal, my friend. I've never seen anyone with that complexion in my life, okay? It seems like you've been playing hide and seek with the sun your whole life. I don't know what's going on, but a person shouldn't look like that, huh? I can see your veins pumping through your skin right now. Do you know how creepy that is, pump, pump, pump, pump? If I were your doctor, I wouldn't need an X-ray machine.

I just say, "What's the problem? It's your kidney. How do I know? Because you're translucent. That's how I know." Damn, we're going to rule this country whether you like it or not! We're not going to do anything you tell us. You are crazy. Let's take it! You're not going to take... We're going... (imitates a gunshot) She's all yours, take her, take her... You're not acting cute; carry. Hey guys, thanks for watching. Make sure you subscribe to my channel for a chance to win cool prizes, and by prizes I mean surprise, no prizes. It's a free YouTube video, greedy...

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