Top 100 Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

fly my kite?" He told me to run off a cliff. (Audience laughs) I tell you, when I was a kid I was ugly too. I told my old man, "You never took me to the zoo." He said, "Yes. They love you, they'll come get you." (Audience laughs) One girl, she was so fat that she stepped on a scale and a card came out that said, "one at a time," you know? But I'm talking about a fat girl. , you know what I mean? - Big girl, big lady. - Big girl, are you kidding? A cop told her to finish it, you know?

Tough week for me. Last week, I saw my son and the milkman going to a father and son dinner. (Audience laughs) I'm telling you, my son, he drove me crazy. (audience laughing) I tell you, what is more important than appearance is love. - Love is important. - And I have a lot of love in me, a lot. - That's the main thing, love. - I love many things. I love sports, I love music and one of my children. (Audience laughs) Well, I know I'm getting old. If I pull into a parking spot I am sexually satisfied.

Are you kidding? (Audience laughs) I'm not a child anymore, I'm getting old. - Yes. - I know I'm getting old when my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. (Audience laughs) (Johnny laughs) You know how it is, you know. I know I'm getting old. At my age I also want girls at the same time, you know? If I fall asleep, they communicate with each other. (Audience laughs) And my wife, I don't have a sex life either. In my house the mirror is placed above the dog's bed. (Audience laughs) Are you kidding me? I know I'm ugly.

My dog ​​discovered that we look alike. He killed himself. (Audience laughs) My wife doesn't know how to cook either. My house, we pray after eating. (Audience laughing) What a terrible cook. I don't think meatloaf should glow in the dark. (Audience laughs) I mean, and she doesn't know how to cook anything. In my backyard, the flies intervened to fix the screen door. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And I was an ugly child too. It had a lot of pimples. One day I feel asleep in the library. I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Are you kidding?

I know I'm ugly. Halloween I open the front door, the children give me candy. (Audience laughs) When I was a kid, my old man didn't help me either, you know? The time I asked my dad if he could ice skate on a lake, he told me to wait until it was warmer. In my neighborhood, there is nothing but murders. I went out, bought a waterbed. There was a guy in the background. (Audience laughs) Oh, my neighborhood is tough, forget it, will you? Wow, in my neighborhood they had signs everywhere. Drive fast, the life you save could be yours. (Audience laughs) And you know my doctor, Dr.

Vinnie Boombatz. Does he know my doctor? (Audience applauds) I have to be, really, what a doctor. He is really confused. He grabbed my knee and told me to cough. He hit me in the balls with a hammer. (Audience laughs) Oh, one time I saw him he gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take them every time he woke me up. (Audience laughs) Okay, and my problem, Johnny, is that I drink too much. Too much. - Yes. - I gave my doctor a urine sample. Inside was an olive. (Audience laughs) And my dog ​​gives me problems too. - Your dog? - Oh yeah.

I have a dog, you know? I tried to mate with her. She wants 50 cookies. (Audience laughs) And I tell you that I also have a silly dog, my dog. We call it Egypt. In each room, he leaves a pyramid. (Audience laughs) Smoking, that's another one. Try to quit smoking, that's a beauty, huh? Why with cigarettes, my wife and I, we made a deal, my wife and I. We only smoke after sex. I've had the same package since 1975, did you know that? (Audience laughs) What bothers me is my wife. She consumes up to three packets a day. (audience laughing)