George Carlin - Stand Up About Religion

but in the Department in the Department a businessman cannot be compared to a clergyman because I have to tell you the truth friends, I have to tell you the truth when it comes to the big leagues, you have to be amazed. amazement at the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims

religion

no competition no competition

religion

religion easily has the best story ever told think about it religion has convinced people that there is an invisible man living in heaven who He watches everything you do every minute of every day and the invisible man has a special list of ten things he doesn't want you to do and if you do any of these ten things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he sends you to live and suffer and burn and drown and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time but he loves you he loves you and he needs money he always needs money he is almighty all perfect omniscient and all the wise of somehow they just can't handle money religion requires billions of dollars they don't pay taxes and always need a little more now you talk a lot about a good story holy lady but I want you to know I want you to know something this is sincere I want you to know when it ends try to believe in God I really tried I really really tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his image and likeness loves us a lot and keeps us close Keep an eye on things I really tried to believe that, but I have to tell you that the longer you live, the more you look around you, the more you realize that something is happening, something is wrong here war disease death destruction hunger filth poverty torture crime corruption and the Ice Capades something is definitely wrong this is not a good job yes this is the best God can do I am NOT impressed results like these do not belong on the resume of a Supreme Being this is the kind of job you would expect from an office worker with a bad attitude only between you and me between you and me in any universe well run this guy would have been out is an almighty ass a long time ago the way I say this guy because I firmly believe that looking at these results if there is a God it has to be a man no woman could or would do things So if there is a god, yes there is.

I think most reasonable people could agree that at least he's incompetent and maybe just doesn't give a damn. I don't give anything that I admire in a person that would explain a lot of these bad outcomes, so instead of just being another mindless, mindless, directionless religious robot blindly believing this is all in the hands of a creepy incompetent father figure I don't care, I decided to look for something else to worship something that I could really count on and I immediately thought of the Sun. It happened like this overnight I became a worshiper of the Sun, well, not overnight. tomorrow you can't see the Sun the next night.

Tomorrow I became a Sun worshiper for several reasons, firstly, I can see the Sun well, unlike other gods I could mention, I can actually see the Sun. I'm big on that, if I can see something I don't know, It kind of helps the credibility, you know, every day I can see the sun, because it gives me everything I need, warmth like food, flowers in the park, reflections in the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey, At least there are no crucifixions and we are not setting people on fire. simply because they don't agree with us, sun worship is quite simple, there is no mystery, there are no miracles, there is no pomp, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn and we don't have a special building where we all gather once. per week for comparison. clothing and benefit the best of the sun he never tells me that I am not worthy he does not tell me that I am a bad person who needs to be saved he has not said an unkind word he treats me well so I worship the sun but I do not pray to the sun.

No, why wouldn't I brag about our friendship? It's not polite. I have often thought that people treat God rather rudely. Please do this give me I need a new car I want a better job and most of this prayer is done on Sunday, their day off and that's no way to treat a friend, but people pray and pray for many different things. I know your sister needs crotch surgery. Your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall, but most of all you'd like that sexy little redhead in the store, the one with the eye patch and the clubfoot.

Why do you pray? I think you should do that and I say well, pray for whatever you want, pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that the Divine Plan a long time ago God made a divine plan. He thought about it a lot and decided it was good. plan, put it into practice and for billions and billions of years the divine plan has been working very well now you come and pray for something, well, suppose what you want is not in God's divine plan, what do you want? what he does? plan just for you then it seems a little arrogant it's a divine plan what's the point of being God if every beat up moron with a two dollar prayer book can show up and improve your plan and here's something else, another problem you could have they suppose your prayers? are not answered, what do you say?

Well, it's God's will, your will will be done well, but if it's God's will, he'll do what he wants anyway. Why does the trouble of praying in the first place seem like a huge waste of time to me? you just skip the prayer part and go straight to his will, it's all very confusing, so to avoid a lot of this I decided to worship the Sun, but like I said, I don't pray to the Sun, do you know who I pray to Joe Fish Joe Pesci, two reasons, first, I think he's a good actor, he's fine with me, those guys, second, he seems like a guy who can get things done.

Joe Pesci is not doing it, in fact Joe Pesci got away with a couple of things that God was having trouble with for years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog Joe Pesci fix that with a visit is Amazing what can be accomplished with a simple baseball bat so I've been praying to Joe for about a year now and I noticed something: I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci are being answered at about the same 50% rate half the time I get what I want half the time. time I am not the same as God fifty-fifty just like the four-leaf clover in the horseshoe the wishing well and the rabbit's foot just like the Mojo man just like the voodoo lady who tells your fortune by squeezing the testicles of goats , it's all the same 50/50, so just pick your superstitions, sit back, make a wish and have fun, and for those of you who look to the Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple more stories that maybe want to see The Three Little Pigs, it's good, it has a nice happy ending.

I'm sure you'll like it. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats Grandma, but I don't. By the way, I don't care much and, finally, I have often always gotten great moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. There is no Humpty Dumpty and there is no god none no one no God never was in fact I'm going to say it this way if there is a god if there is a God who kills this audience everyone is fine I will tell you what I will tell you a lot I will raise the stakes I'll up the ante a little if there's a God who'll beat me to death look nothing happened wait I've got a little cramp in my leg and my balls hurt plus I'm blind good luck oh now I'm fine again.

It must have been Joe Pesci. God bless Joe Pesci. Thank you very much to all. The FCC, an appointed, unelected body responsible only to the president, decided on its own that radio and television were the only two. parts of American life that are not protected by the First Amendment of the Constitution, why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi, a Reverend Donald Wildmon, and Mississippi heard something on the radio that it didn't like. Well, reverend, does anyone ever? I tell you there are two knobs on the radio, of course, I'm sure the Reverend is not that comfortable with anything that has two knobs, but, Reverend, there are two knobs on the radio, one of them turns off the radio and the other. one changes the station imagine that Reverend, in reality you can change the station, it is called freedom of choice and it is one of the principles on which this country was founded, look it up in the library, Reverend, if you have any left when you finish burning them all the books. and I don't know how you feel about it, but I'm getting pretty tired of these church people with these church people, you all know what I'm saying, we should do what these churches impose on them. interested in politics and government policy and public policy let them pay the price of entry like everyone else taxes them hey, the Catholic Church alone could eliminate the federal budget deficit if all they did was tax them on their real estate here's another motto here's another motto you come across all the time god bless america once again I respectfully tell myself what that means god bless america is that a request is that a demand is that a suggestion politicians do it they say at the end of every speech as if it were some sort of verbal tic that they can't get rid of God bless you and God bless America God bless you and God bless America I guess you figure if you leave it out someone You will think they are bad Americans, let me tell you a little secret. about God, folks, God doesn't give a damn about America, okay, he doesn't care, he never cared about this country, he never has, he never will, he doesn't care about this country any more than he cares about Mongolia, Transylvania, Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal at the North Pole you just don't care, okay, you don't care, listen, okay, now there are 200 countries in the world.

Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around choosing his favorites? Why do that? Why would God have a favorite? country and why would it be the United States of all countries because we have more money because he likes our National Anthem maybe it's because you heard that we have 18 delicious flavors of the classic arroz-a-roni it's a delusional thought it's a delusional thought and the Americans are not alone with these types of delusions military cemeteries around the world are full of brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced that God was on their side America prays for God to destroy our enemies our enemies pray for God to destroy us someone is going to be disappointed someone is wasting their Now it could be everyone if people want to say God bless America, that's their business.

I don't care, but this is what I don't under

stand

. If they say God bless America, presumably they believe in God, and if they do, they must have heard God. He loved everyone, that's what he said, he loved everyone and he loved him equally, so why would these people ask God to do something that went against his own teachings? You know what these people God bless America should do, they should check out what that Jesus, man, them. They're so crazy you're always talking about what Jesus would do, what Jesus would do, they don't want to know it so they can do it, they just want to know it so they can tell other people to do it right, I'll tell you. what Jesus would have done I'll tell you what Jesus would have done, he would have stood on top of the Empire State Building and said God bless everyone in the whole world forever and ever until the end of time, that's what Jesus would have done. and that's what these people should do or they should admit that god bless america is really some kind of empty slogan with no real meaning except for something vague like good luck good luck america you're on your own which is a bit. closer to the truth I started to question this whole stupid hat when I was a kid when I was a kid I was Catholic at least until I reached the age of reason okay, then I was Catholic I was Catholic for about two two and a half years something like that and in At that time, one of the things they told us was that if a boy or a man entered a church he had to take off his hat to honor the presence of God, but they had already told me that God was everywhere, so I used to wonder, well If God is everywhere, why would you have a hat?

Why don't you show your respect? You don't even buy a hat, that's just to confuse things even more. They told women exactly the opposite of Catholic women and girls. covering their heads when they went to church, just like in certain temples, Jewish men have to cover their heads in those temples, in those same temples, Jewish women are not allowed to cover their heads, so try to figure this out . Catholic men and Jewish women are not allowed to wear hats. Catholic women's hats and Jewish men's hats, nowadays someone has everything completely backwards and what is this religious fascination with hats?

Each religion has a different hat. Chiba notes that Hindus have a turban, SikhsThey have a tall white turban. Jews have a kippah. The Muslims had the khaki, the bishop has a pointed hat one day and a round head another day. The cardinal has a red hat. The Pope, that's why everyone has a hat. One group takes them off, the other group puts them on themselves. I would never have liked to do it. Be a member of any group where you have to wear a hat or can't wear a hat. I think all religions should have one rule and one rule only.

Hats are optional. That's all you need to run a really good religion. Here's another one. One of these civic customs is to swear on the Bible. You under

stand

that they tell you to raise your right hand and place your left hand on the Bible. Does this really matter? What hand does God really give over details like this? Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible, raise your left hand with that count, but would God say sorry to you? The wrong hand tries again and why does it have a hand? be lifted up what is the magic in this gesture this seems like some kind of primitive voodoo trick why not put your left hand on the Bible let your right hand hang at your side is more natural or put it in your pocket remember what your mother used to say : Don't put your hands in your pockets.

Does she know something we don't know? Is this hand really important? Well, let's go back to the Bible. America's favorite national theatrical prop. Suppose the Bible they give you to swear in is backwards or backwards or both and you swear to tell the truth in a backwards Bible with that count suppose the hanju Bible is an old Bible and half the pages are missing suppose everything What they have is a Chinese Bible in an American courtroom or a Braille Bible and you're not blind, let's say they give you an upside down Cheney Braille Bible with half the pages missing, at what point does this all go wrong? and it turns into a bunch of stupid things that someone made up? up folks it's a fantasy it's a fantasy now okay let's put the bible aside we'll get back to reading science fiction later the most important question is what's the big deal about swearing to god in the first place? why swear to God?

God means that you are going to tell the truth it would not affect me if they told me you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so God would help you I would say yes, I will tell you everything The truth, like the people who wrote that Bible, how do you like it? Swearing on the Bible means nothing. They are children who swear by God. They are children's things. Yes, when you were a child, if you told another child something that he didn't quite tell you. Believe it, so you swear to God.

I would always say yes, I swear to God, even if I was lying, why not? What will happen if I lie? It's okay if you lied unless you get caught and that's a completely different story. Rights are an idea. They are just imaginary, they are a nice idea, nice, but all of that is nice and fictitious, but if you think you have rights, let me ask you this, where do they come from? People say, well, they come from God, their rights given by God, oh, here we are. go again, God, excuse me, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no arguments that came from God, anything that we cannot describe must have come from God personally, friends, I believe that if your rights came from God, he would give you would have given the right. to some food every day and he would have given you the right to a roof over your head.

God would have been taking care of you. God would have been taking care of you. He would have worried about making sure you had a gun so you could get drunk on Sunday night and kill your girlfriend's parents, but let's say it's true, let's say God gave us these rights, why would he give us a certain amount? of rights? The Bill of Rights in this country has ten stipulations, okay, ten rights and apparently God was doing something careless. I worked that week because we had to amend the Bill of Rights 17 more times, so God forgot a couple of things like slavery, he just forgot, but let's say God gave us the original Ten, he gave the British 13 the Law British. of Rights has 13 stipulations, the Germans have 29, the Belgians have 25, the Swedes have only six and some people in the world have no rights at all.

What kind of fucking God-given agreement is it that they have no rights? Why would God give different people? in different countries different numbers of different rights boredom fun bad arithmetic Did we finally discover after all this time that God is weak in mathematical skills? It doesn't sound like divine planning to me it sounds more like human planning it sounds more like a group trying to control another group, in other words, it's business as usual in America, the Ten Commandments, this is my problem, why do they attend? You don't need ten. I believe that the list of Commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to reach ten.

It's a filled list. What they did about five thousand years ago, a group of religious and political con men got together to try to figure out how to control people, how to keep them in line. They knew that people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some Commandments on a mountain when no one was around God had given them the Ten Commandments but let me ask you this while you were sitting there making this up. why they chose 10 why 10 why not 9 or 11 I'll tell you why because 10 sounds official 10 sounds important they knew 4 was 11 people wouldn't take it seriously so what are you kidding?

The 11 commandments come from here, but 10 10 sounds important 10 is the basis of the decimal system. a decade is a psychologically satisfying number top 10 top 10 most searched top 10 best dressed so having the Ten Commandments was really a marketing decision for me it's clearly a list it's an artificially inflated political document to sell better I'm going to show you how you could reduce the number of Commandments and create a list that is a little more workable and logical. We're going to start with the first three and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was taught when I was little. boy, I am the Lord your God, you shall have no strange gods before me, you shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, you shall sanctify the Sabbath from the beginning, the first three pure Sabbaths, the Sabbath day, the name of the Lord, strange gods , creepy. language spoken language designed to frighten and control primitive people in no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century you rule out war from the first three Commandments you have seven left next honor your father and your mother obedience respect for authority just another name for controlling people the truth is that obedience and respect should not be automatic they should be earned they should be based on the performance of the parents some some parents deserve respect most of them no point you six left Now, for the sake of logic, there is something that religion is very uncomfortable with.

Let's skip down the list a bit. Thou shalt not steal. You shall not bear false witness. Steal and lie. Well, actually they both prohibit the same type of behavior. Dishonest stealing. and lying so you don't need two of them, instead you combine them and call it, you won't be dishonest and suddenly you are left with five and while we are combining I have two others that go together, you won't need them. commit adultery you will not covet your neighbor's wife once again these two prohibit the same type of behavior in this case marital infidelity the difference is that greed occurs in the mind and I don't think you should prohibit fantasizing about someone else's wife Otherwise, what is a The boy will think about when he is waxing the carrot, but marital fidelity is a good idea, so we will keep the idea.

I would call this one, you won't be unfaithful and suddenly we're down to four, but when you think about it. Honesty and faithfulness are really part of the same overall value, so you could actually combine the two Commandments of honesty with the two Commandments of faithfulness and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call it all. You will always be honest and faithful and we. There are three left, you must, you must, they are leaving, they are leaving quickly, you will not covet your neighbor's goods. This one is just stupid, coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going.

Your neighbor gets a vibrator. play or come all the faithful you want to get one also greed creates jobs leave it alone you are done coveting you have two left now the great commandment of honesty infidelity and which we have not yet talked about you will not kill murder the fifth commandment, but when it You think, when you think about it, religion has never had a big problem with murder, no more people have actually been killed in the name of God than for any other reason, all you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Middle East, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious take it: Thou shalt not kill, the more devout they are, the more they see murder as something negotiable, it's negotiable, you know, with the cents depends.

It depends on who kills and who they kill, so with all this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the two Commandments. You will always be honest and faithful with your Nicky's provider and you will try very hard not to kill. anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to is all you need. Moses could have carried it down the hill in his pocket and if they had a list like that, I wouldn't care about those people in Alabama. by putting it on the court wall, as long as they include an additional commandment, you will keep your religion to yourself.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason. Catholics and other Christians are against abortion and they are against homosexuals, well, who has less? abortions and homosexuals leave these people alone for the love of God here is a whole class of people with the guarantee that they will never have an abortion and the Catholics and Christians are simply discarding them one would think they would be natural allies do not look for coherence in religion and speaking of my Catholic friends, when Cardinal John O'Connor of New York and some of these other cardinals and bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and raised a couple of children on minimum wage , then I will be happy to hear what you have to say about abortion.

I'm sure it will be interesting in the meantime what they should do is tell these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys when Jesus said: suffer, little children, come to me, that's not what I was talking, so you know what I say to these anti-abortion people. Hey, if you think a fetus is more important than a woman, try making a fetus wash. stains on your underwear without payment or pension. I don't think about an abortionist with term limits, that's all, they're biological term limits, but you know the more you hear this debate about abortion, the more you hear this phrase sanctity of life.

I've heard that the sanctity of life you believe in personally I think it's a lot of good, I mean, life is sacred, who said that? God, hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the main causes of death for thousands of years. Hindus Muslims Jews Christians all take turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea the sword of God the blood of the Lamb vengeance is mine millions dead all because they gave the wrong answer to the question of God do you believe in God No dad, you believe in God, yes, you believe in my God, no, poom, dead, my God has a bigger cock than your God, thousands of years, thousands of years and all the best.

Wars even the bloodiest and most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred, which is fine. Me every time a group of holy people want to kill each other. I'm a happy guy, but don't give me all this talk about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there was such a thing, I don't think it would be something you would want. I can't blame God no, you know where the sanctity of life came from, we invented it, you know why because we are alive, the same goes for religion, religion is nothing but mind control, religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts so that they are I am going to tell you some things that you should not say because they are sins and in addition to telling you things that you should not say, religion is going to suggest some things that you should say, yes, something that you should say first thing when you wake up. in the morning this is something you should say just before you go to sleep at night this is something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon of spring at 4 o'clock, when the bells ring, religion always suggests things you should be saying