Top 10 Dry Bar Comedy Specials of 2021Jan 01, 2022
17 year old ran away earlier this year oh no ok one of us had to find out since I pay rent it could be you seriously my 17 year old walked through my house like I lived with him , not just as if I lived with him. him but like i live with him and i'm behind on the rent kids these days are different they're different and now i get it because kids these days are raised a little differently remember a show TV, shall we? a long time ago um um the babysitter y'all remember i i i used to be surprised because i used to watch the show and it started the same way every time it started with the parents being interviewed and and the parents would say and you still understand that it's very picky and I'm like I have three years the show would go on and and the babysitter would tell the parents to discipline timmy timmy leaves mommy i hate you i hate you i'm not you and you hit her mom the mother would be all baffled she wouldn't know what to do the babysitter would be stuck she would be standing in the corner so now remember she would come over there and say no no no this is not acceptable this is what i need you to do i need you to get down to her level look him straight in the eye and say firmly timmy you have a time out say provo i know i'm in the right place because look i see you thinking like i'm thinking because look if it was you and if it was me it would be a whole different show timmy start dating mommy i hate you i hate you boo hit me commercial i have the new iphone with siri on it y'all have siri serious racist theory just understand why people that's why you only see why people use siri in commercials every commercial why people broadcast one beep siri could you tell michael and jason me and ben are on our way please bp messes then i use it with my indian cousins names and all hell breaks loose well and i use it in my peep series could you tell raj jinder patender and satind? er me and priya are on our way please locate five seven elevens in your area i'm like why did we make you a traitor i won't stand for it indians get funded for many things too some things are true how indians will negotiate i don't even know this Indians will trade anytime anywhere we trade while we get robbed I've seen it hey put your hands up okay listen to me how about I put up a hand okay y'all? calm down it's like i shoot you in the face how about you v-stab me calling today?
Okay, just give me all your stuff, how about I give you half my stuff and you give me your watch? you're not god that's why you never see indians on deal or no deal it would take too long it would be just four hours an indian guy yelling no neil no thanks it's like we haven't offered you anything yet sir you are online actually i had a chance from doing shows in India which was great I don't know if you know it's but we don't use toilet paper in India did you know we don't we use water on our hands because we think it's more hygienic and better for the environment we which is fine for me, but the problem is that eight told me this? days after trip after high five to half of new delhi i was like when no wonder geez that was me my cousin was excited to see me even though he wanted to impress me the first place he took me was to an amusement park that sounds like fun roller coasters in a 3rd world country i already have a fear of heights now i'm on a wooden roller coaster in bangladesh i'm just going up this like i'm going to die there's no way i'm surviving this my cuz he looks at me like im not buddy these roller coasters are just like the ones you have in america aren't they dude dude you ain't dude it's alright as it's alright cool I look down I see two Indians pulling a rope one of them gave me a thumbs up im like putting your hand back in the way bro theres people here and then i thought to myself wow that rope must smell like poop i wouldnt touch that rope i like it when people put it away because i think it reminds me to the sound that does my dog when he runs, because I have a dog, you have any dog, people here, yes, yes, there, we continue with my kind of friends, man, yes, I love my dog, we have, we had a very eccentric dog, my wife and i we have a three legged pug named taz thats a letter for each limb still attached to his body we pray we never have to call him mr t and people always do what you guys did when they hear we have a dog from three legged and they say oh that's so sweet y'all have to rescue and i have to be like nah we did it i'm still paying for that surgery and it's a boring story man had a birth defect his elbow grew backwards so it broke the leg we had to cut it off but we didn't know he broke his leg for about three months because he didn't say anything we just thought he had a bit of arrogance we didn't know he was cool he's cool let him be cool but that's a boring story I don't like it, it's not cab allero theres nothing exciting about it so what i like to do is pick on people people ask me what happened to his leg he give a different answer every time the kids are the best oh my god i love it when the kids kids come, this little boy comes to me one time, I had my dog in the park, he says, "hey mister, what happened to me and your dog's leg?" we just went we lost it and i kept walking we were playing fetch and i threw it too hard what you want from me kid that guy coming at me is like hey what happened to your dog leg? and i was like the vietnam vet feeling he went to a vietnamese vet i'll let that go for a minute which has been weird though recently people have been trying to guess what happened to his leg thats been unusual im not ready for that i was walking him a couple weeks ago some guy wrote on his bike and said hi d If your dog gets hit by a car what car will hit a pug and only lose his front paw right if i hit a pug with my car and that's the end result.
I'll return that car. It is not safe for me to drive. I need some better safety features like I don't know, man, hot wheels or a tonka truck or something. the dog moves well, i take him off the leash, i'm going to catch him, say goodbye to those three hours, he's faster without the leg, don't feel bad for him, now he could play with a stiff arm, turn, move, he's the perfect crazy character we had to move out of our apartment because of him yes we used to live in the apartment upstairs and he gives these fits and he wants you to catch them so if you live downstairs below us and we live in the second apartment floor it looks like we're filming all the scooby-doo montages upstairs so it takes me like 20 30 min utes sometimes to catch him because he's so fast and agile and I finally catch him but it's too late I hear a knock on my front door and i open the door and it's my downstairs neighbor and to say she's upset is a terrible understatement she's red in the face veins coming out of her neck yelling at me like excuse me could you tell your dog not to do it for one night please and i just I looked at her and went and cut her off We love one of his legs so it would make less noise we don't know what else they want us to do so we had to move all of them I love my dog man I love him like a son he ain't my son I'm not a one of those people don't hate me because if you raised a human being before you hated someone it's like my dog was my son no it's not it's not the same if I have a son I can't leave him home for eight hours with a couple of bowls with food and water as if I had put a hole in the door, he will find out, your son will be taken from you, I know I have checked. ss my little brother that's a fun job i grew up never knew i would be a comedian i grew up quite an awkward kid i was painfully shy and people always wonder what johnny w is short for my last name i shortened it to make it easier for all.
I have a difficult last name to pronounce, so I shortened it to make it easier. My last name is uh baxter and uh no. and Liechtenstein, that's weird, the worst was in 3rd grade, I was in a new school, someone has a hard last name to pronounce here, you know my pain, if the teacher is wrong, call and come in, you will be bullied all year , she. she arrives at the w i'm sending her telepathic messages please make it right i can't deal with weddington's because she's fine walker ok watson? mess thank you so much you're the best he was a chubby kid in high school he surely had asthma you may have asthma here tonight keep your inhalers up don't be embarrassed i love asthma that was great man that little note from my doctor about asthma was my outlet from the gym free cards what that was just hand it over there you go that's your copy it's well laminated yes i have a lot more i'm going to have a seat oh let's go climb the big rope today i don't think so i won't get friction burn my crotch i'm going to sit down and puff to me that was grade 8 then grade 9 came on suddenly he was the high school PE teacher he wasn't having it what is this asthma can I cure asthma like you can what his asthma cure did to me running what's called suicides you know what that is suicides is a horrible series of wind sprints they call it i don't know who named it but let me tell you something if you make a little fat kid reg keep running and like that until you die that's homicide that's not they're going to prosecute you nice for sure but that wasn't even the worst day in gym class by far the worst day was first tenth grade gym class grade, that was the day of the president's fitness challenge, do they do that?
Here they have to stop. It's like the hunger games. he would line us all up take a minute get a friend let's time ourselves everyone take a minute put on a buzz like i don't need a minute i don't have a friend ok i'm the shyest kid here i look up everyone has a friend but i'm mortified i look at the end of the stands there's a girl sitting alone i don't even know her it's her even in my class but it doesn't matter because they won't put a girl with me they came down here sally it's ok you'll be with johnny come on now you're going to time johnny it's alright he's going to do pushups anytime count how many jumps you're on i'm going to count the time you know then you're going to hold his feet and he's going to do crunches for a minute yeah that turned pretty quickly into a game of how many times can johnny fart in a stranger's face before she starts crying and the answer is 17 17 times oh that's the number of times to do a little thing i like to call the ch report iflado someone wants to hear this for people who may not know this is my take on the news a lot of great things are happening in the news and i like to stay on top of it jason do you keep up with the news? no, then this is actually going to work fine. you're having a good time jason yes you can show it hey paul you're laughing on the inside is there any way you can move to the back it's been a tough 12 months I've lost so many dear friends and family members I've been to so many funerals forever a pallbearer everyone cries differently good news a new study has found that pessimistic men are likely to die early i knew it the las vegas city council has banned public urination and defecation they said it has been their number one and number two priority hey there is a high suicide rate among dent ists how many dentists are here i see you seem happy i dont think daylight alabama a cougar found at a local motel has been euthanized officials are warning women over 50 to stay away gone load of avocados luckily fries are on the scene in minutes you brought a molag honda has come out with a lawnmower that can go up to 150 miles an hour is very popular with outfielders who have been spotted by ice agents look if we don't We won't laugh, we'll just cry.
Boise, Idaho, the city recorded its hottest day ever at 106 degrees, surpassing the old record of 105 degrees set in 1875. Now of course officials blame this on global warming and in 1875 they blamed summer summer summer port charlotte florida a woman says lightning destroyed her septic tank causing her toilet to burst and in poetic justice it also struck the ceiling fan a cup and a half of spinach a day can reduce the risk of stroke the stud I kept saying: oh go , go, go, go to the doctor, I don't think that's true, have you seen Popeye, this sailor, he looks like he's had a stroke? fallen prompting life alert to reveal their new catchphrase i've fallen and can't afford to get up this is fine in florida police arrested a man for pouring ketchup on his girlfriend while she was sleeping this isn't the first time he's in trouble with the law in fact is an ex condiment it takes time for that joke to reach washington dc two men were arrested for shooting the driver of an ice cream truck now the driver will survive because he was only shot in the thigh and wacky friends that's two ice creams available in a truck, believe me, a Connecticut man who is on probation was arrested for hiding heroin inhis bible is now he has been accused of possession and weakness in temptation a sad note a 70 year old man from kansas city robbed a bank because he would rather go to jail than continue to live with his wife the sad part she plans to visit him in prison every day that's the joy of getting older man well that's something we all have in common we're all getting older men and women alike man is anyone celebrating birthday by any chance here you go we got one that's cool huh? how are you doing, sir?
Alright? What's his name, buddy? ammon hammond we'll call you jim ok that's a cool name no amen are you sure it's not amen that would make more sense in this state it's too much y'all can't laugh and then take the laugh. back oh okay no no no it's like an email you already sent ok this is fun man thanks for coming on your birthday bro it's a great birthday hang out with some great people enjoy some laughs it's so much better than my last birthday i went to an ip tr camp for the gastroenterologist. Does anyone know what they do?
I don't. Here's what they thought had an ulcer, so in order for them to check that they had to... they put a camera from a place that's attached to 137 feet of fiber. optical cabling and an air compressor don't want to scare anyone they don't bring equipment into the equation on the second date they want to take it easy to get to know you better first date just a regular office visit you go there they ask a lot of questions and the doctor throws a curveball he says yeah im going to need a stool sample you have like a to go cup or something doc because right now its not a good time for me i dont feel im going to give you what you need right now he he says no I'll take the sample it's like you take this but it's still inside he says what I need you to do is lie down on the table facing the wall put your drawers down while you adjust a rubber glove and get the right sample and then you hand out a pamphlet after i said i don't want your pamphlet sir you just penetrated me as far as i'm concerned now we're in a relationship i'll be back at 5 30. we're going to the biscuit barrel but i couldn't come back at 5: 30 because you have to spend the rest of the day getting ready which means you can't eat any more solid food you have to take a laxative no problem i had some x -relax first no big deal oh no they prescribed you a laxative you know you're in trouble when you go to the pharmacist you say hey man can you feel that yeah what flavor did you want your exorcism liquid? either I come back with two and a half gallons of this stuff, you take it home, you smack it again, it tastes horrible, it's got a weird consistency and then yeah, and then you just wait and don't be brave, no.
I didn't try to make a quick trip to the walmart because their hours have been set up and it works differently for everyone I didn't think it was going to work for me I waited two hours for ours nothing happened three hours nothing so I went to sleep what in hindsight probably wasn't the best of ideas you've been woken up by some scary stuff right there it's the middle of the night i'm tired i'm trying to talk myself out of it it's like i'm going to layer up for a little while longer pinch my butt cheeks together we can do this in the morning you're not right we'll do this right now you jump out of bed only to find out the structural integrity of your seal has been compromised they went to the bathroom like a gingerbread man and that's where you set up base camp and hopefully know a sherpa you'll be there for a while i passed out twice the second time i woke up i couldn't feel my legs i thought i was so strong i paralyzed but i was sitting there so long it cut off circulation to my extremities i couldn't feel my legs so they fell asleep i've never been happy to feel the excruciating pain of pins and needles as i touch my feet again nsciousness basically what i'm trying to say is happy birthday amen so this is when it gets a little sad um i started losing my hair uh very early like 7 am. m not 15. yeah yeah yeah yeah sad 15 and in high school i was esl and ibs two terrible acronyms for simultaneously starting to lose my hair early man 15t my mom took me to the doctor and she says this is what i she said she goes to the doctor fix it so she gave me rogaine yeah 15 years really just a special year was i ran home with the road game like charlie and the chocolate factory i was so excited i took it home you shake it you gotta shake it first says you're not embarrassed enough you have to shake this so y'all shake this and I spray it spray it and folks it worked wonders on my back and shoulders because now I'm essentially a skinny brown bear that's what I am as a bear outside shaped like a very skinny bear. and i wanted to play high school basketball when i was a freshman in high school school i wanted to try out so i tried out and the coach inevitably of course says okay guys this is what i want, jerseys vs masks, so i said please no matter what i don't want to make the team. don't let me be a skin and of course it's one of those things he goes on sure the skin he's just randomly picking it sure enough shirt he walks up to me sure it's good as a move slow.
I peed from the ibs. I was so nervous which is good. the earth is right above me so i said forget i don't care what it is i want to play basketball so i go over i take my shirt off but i did it in a dramatic way like i didn't care you know i was as if he had thrown it at me. there immediately the lion king theme song played it was just a rhino ran across the room it was ridiculous and the coach without missing a beat says ok billy you go there thomas you go there and my hair let me catch you uh oh wow it's the mascot or what's going on here I don't know I'm on the team believe it or not bald and like he was U shaped you know like the usage was going on he had an accent which was so cute in high school he just full of popularity, do you want to go to the dance with me?
We took my father's. taxi which was inappropriate but um it should have been an uber but the thing is i got married in mexico and my godfather do you think i'm harry my godfather he's this lebanese guy and his suit was so tight he was you know he's living these guys who are they put like nightclubs in his suit so his suit is so tight you've seen these guys with their chest hairs sticking out over their shirt have you seen these guys? he's my best man ok we're exchanging vows i'm checking that roger's chest hair is coming up on his shirt it's getting into his face it's like he's moving around like seaweed it's like he's waving at people like yeah anyway he's dead now but nice to be back i have to tell you i've been married to my wife tammy for 33 years in a row thank you and when you've been with a person you learn to trust your instincts so when she she told me a while back you need to get diagnosed now so i feel good she said that about attention deficit i know you have it and it's driving me crazy so i said why now she say?
What do you mean? Why now did I say okay? If I have attention deficit. I have had it for 60 years before my entire life. It is not a virus. You can't catch it on the toilet seat. to the bathroom in a mall and you come out two days later and you get sad I'm so distracted where did that come from I don't know why it bothers you now she said why do you keep telling me you'll do things in this house and you don't do them and it's driving me crazy that's not attention deficit that's passive aggressive and i've had it for 63 years but i honored my wife because that's what a man does sir that's right you do well you honor your wife i went and got diagnosed i spent an hour with a psychologist after an hour shuts down But not only do I have attention deficit, I am also a functional hypochondriac, I am not a clinician, those people are sick, but this is how God protects his children, it is my ADHD that keeps my functional hypochondriasis in Those days that I have i've convinced myself i need an ambulance when i get to the phone to call one i'm distracted four or five times i usually end up in the kitchen i have a phone i can't remember why i have a phone and that's when i ordered the pizza.
My children loved me. Dad is dying again. Pepperoni and tabby really pops. On second thought it's natural I can have nodules I don't even know the nodule oh boy I feel nauseated all of a sudden that's when the kids are yelling breadsticks shut up I could die with you I live in los angeles california and uh every new idea that com is out of there they adopted it right away and i'm a little more conservative like the new is any man who says he's a woman right away you should address him as a woman and i'm progressive i'm like ok but they should have to go through a test first because women have skills that men don't.
You can't just say I'm a woman. Do something that a woman can do. Then I will believe you. go to the bathroom and back to the dinner table just something basic you may be totally starving but you have no idea what you want to eat you know what i'm talking about you can turn a compliment into an argument that's what i want i know what it is like babe you look beautiful tonight so i didn't look beautiful last night you're good you're good you look so photogenic so i don't look beautiful in real life i actually think there are so many things women can do better than guys women can do things like this is an example that I was at the mall with my baby's nephew I'm walking through the mall and a woman I didn't know knelt down and said it's your son I say he's not my nephew and she she without hesitation she is he's adorable what's your name you're so cute marcus when you're 18 i'll be back for you you're a little heartbreaker save him for me and she walked away she went shopping again i defy any man in this room any guy go downtown commercial only approach a woman you don't What I know is that your niece, can I talk to her?
Please, wow, when you turn 18, I'll be back for you, keep it for me. them i was just talking to kids thats right r kelly tell the judge there are things women can do how about its valentines day or maybe your girl misses you and sends you a romantic picture it's been a long day at work ooh i can't wait to get home she misses me women can send those romantic pictures but men me If you send a picture of you lying on the beach, rolling in the sand, crouching in a bathing suit, When are you coming home, baby?
I do. I turn this show into a ted talk. I teach men how to take the best, most seductive photo for the women in this room. This is what they must do. take off anything put on your dress shoes dress socks dress pants belt shirt tie suit coat briefcase make it look like you're going to work if you really want to turn around let your 401k hang off the front of the briefcase since a little tip just a little advice and i became a comedian thanks to my family my family is so loud and funny and they are crazy they are crazy family i love my family my mom is great she speaks with an accent so when i was little it was fun to bring my friends i could be like hello kids, welcome to my house, that's how she says home, do you want something to eat? and they said: yes of course, do you want heart dough? my friend says what is hard dough that's how she says hot dog people come to the house like listen if you have a phone or a computer you can use it in the whole house we high five in the whole house i love my mom she talks very well english doesn't understand like american phrases american phrases nice you know, they confuse her sometimes, we had work on the house once she worked, she walked into a room with a guy who was building something she didn't pay for, like sorry i didn't pay so what is that? and the guy said, oh, you know what?
Sorry Mrs. I have a why he put my hair up my ass with that. My mom likes it, well she didn't need to know that but now that I do why doesn't she shave it off? He's 20 20. I have a crazy mom and if you have a crazy mom you don't know it when you're little because when you're little you just assume that what your mom is doing to you is what all the other moms are doing you are like that this should be normal then you get old enough to start comparing notes with other people and then you're like none of that was normal that's how therapy started i was 19 i was at a house party we were sitting around comparing home remedies a guy is like one time i had a 104 fever my mom dumped me in a bathtub full of ice we were all like oh that's bad enough and i was like oh you know what's worse remember when you get the stomach flu and your mom gave you the suppositories , you guys remember everyone looked at me like you guys, i know my mom gave me soup and i was confused about how If i brought soup there it looks worse.
I tell you what even though I never went home sick from school no I might be throwing up blood jose do you want to go home no please don't send me home she's going toput a cough drop up my ass please let me stay here but you're throwing up blood that's what I do when I'm happy I love fractions and I love my big family I love her but I don't have any I don't have kids I know it's weird I'm 42 Latino years old I don't have kids but my family is like a unicorn I think I have magical powers huh but I found this out if you don't have kids people with kids don't want your advice on raising kids even when it seems like they want advice as if I had difficulties with math, I don't know what to do, you know what you could do, you know what you could do, Jose is to shut your mouth, you just sleep in your bed all night without anyone interrupting you and that's when I get my letter from triumph every time they say like oh yeah after seven I always do what they tell me I never talk back to my mom they never scolded me you hear that silence all those parents It's like what your mom did I'll tell you what she did she killed one p I roll in front of me using only this hand, that's what the kids call a gangster, she didn't warn me either, we're in the backyard, she's petting. the chicken i called freddy in hindsight was a mistake as a baby let's have chicken tonight and i was like i love chicken mommy and then she spreads her feet like she's going to do kempo karate without looking at the throat she starts spinning like a nunchuck making eye contact with me all the time like a psycho chicken making weird noises and then his head popped off and that's when i found out chickens have weird nervous systems you can take a chicken's head off and the body doesn't notice right off the bat you know how i know because that chicken body hit the ground and it tried to walk away like it had a chicken horse charlie or something and it couldn't make any noise so it was like the scariest silent movie of all me that chicken body hit the garlic and i'm like stop throwing roll freddy i didn't know what to do 45 seconds ran so you could be like you're right i'm not ok so again i'm seven i'm p etrified I'm looking for my mom she has the head of a dead chicken in her hand she has blood on her cheek her feathers are falling out she leans over she says the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life she's getting really good I'm going to clean my room now I'm going to clean my room i can clean the whole house i'm already cleaning i might as well clean everything you guys want to paint the house i can paint that i'm only seven years old but i'll find a maybe i'll apply to college and leave this house because you're a scary person.
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