These Are the Signs Someone Was Raised By a Narcissist

You asked us to cover the effects of

narcissist

ic parents on their children, so we sat down with Dr. Seth Meyers to explain how to spot the

signs

of

narcissist

ic traits in your parents and also discuss how to deal with the psychological effects of having one or more parents with narcissism, okay, now narcissism may be one of my favorites for lack of better terms around mental health issues. What is narcissism? So, narcissism is a personality disorder. The official name is narcissistic personality disorder. It involves some central criteria. An overinflated um. open sense of self um, it implies a lack of empathy sometimes with others, it implies a difficulty in relationships, so there are several things involved and this is the most important thing, although to understand a narcissist, a narcissist is not the one It seems to be on the surface.

Think of it as a Gemini astrological sign, there are two selves, that's who the narcissist is, so who is who the narcissist is trying to appear to be on the surface, the image they try to sell to the public and themselves, and then there. It's your true underlying self now, of course, anyone who really likes themselves and loves themselves is not going to be so hell-bent on proving to the world how great they are, how superior they are, so clearly what they don't know. is that they are much more transparent in some aspects than they think, so there are two selves, the false self, which is the self that they try to sell to the world, and the real self, which is how they really feel and, in the Basically, there is a feeling of insecurity. that there is only enough love and attention, enough praise to go around, so it's like a game of chess, you have to do what you can to make sure you get as much attention as possible.

Get it now, before we talk about the implications of having parents who are Narcissistic, let's first talk about what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. So a romantic relationship between two adults involves emotional intimacy. Now, to have emotional intimacy, what do you need? Vulnerability. You have to be able to say. I show parts of myself that even I don't like. or feel comfortable I admit feelings of weakness feelings of uncertainty I depend on

someone

else I go to them I sleep with

someone

that way and they do the same so in a healthy romantic relationship there is intimacy both people are willing to be vulnerable Neither person cares Something called power matters, who has more power at a given moment.

Yes, you mentioned being or depending on the other person in a healthy relationship. Is it true that we should also have some independence? Because in ourselves a healthy relationship is a mixture of dependence yes and healthy dependence I'll give you an example um a single person who doesn't have good relationships or is uncomfortable with relationships one of the things you might want to do is consider getting a pet, get a dog, for example, that teaches you through the practice of taking care of that animal daily, someone depends on you and you feel comfortable, you actually come to depend on that person too, so dependency can be very useful , just don't depend too much, okay, parents who are narcissists, yes, they have children and there are many consequences that arise from the child being

raised

by two narcissists.

What is one of the big red flags you can see in a person who might have been

raised

with two narcissistic parents? An adult who inherently feels like they are not good enough. who hits themselves who goes who questions their own worth their own values ​​who has dramatic relationships um where people treat them badly in 99 of those cases that adult when they were young had a father who loved them unconditionally probably not because why ? earth, then they would say sometime at 18 20 25 years old, hey, I'm going to totally change the type of relationships I have. I'm used to being treated very well, being valued, I feel like I count and I'm fine.

I am and now I'm going to get into relationships where they treat me like shit, where they don't call me back, where I have to chase them, where I have to constantly wonder if they really care about me because they had narcissistic parents. . So, many times, if someone questions his own worth, he doesn't have that confidence in himself. Many times they had a narcissistic parent, now they could have had other problems as well, maybe they had a traumatic background and any of the hallmarks of someone who is raised by a narcissist is the achiever who tells themselves that if I achieve this that and I will do it. another then I'll finally be good enough.

Is it common for narcissistic parents to raise narcissistic children? It's a great question, so what are many of the things? The literature says that it is a little depressing for children raised by narcissists, and that is that if you are raised by a narcissist, you too can acquire some of those narcissistic qualities and it makes a lot of sense if you think about it in a relationship with parents that is the closest. relationship that a child really has with anyone and that the degree to which a child depends on their parents, so they are discovering all kinds of things in that relationship, then it makes sense if a parent treats a child in a certain disrespectful way. , contemptuous, negligent and unloving. that later in life that person would do the same thing to someone else in a romantic relationship, so he could behave narcissistically in a relationship and he could also look for someone who is a narcissist, right? and think about it this way, Kyle, they should do it, that's what they were told well, that's the narcissistic parenting program they were taught and they were the best little students in the world, so here's what can break the cycle posed by a narcissist you don't want be a narcissist also do therapy, do therapy and that will help you gain some self-awareness.

It doesn't need to be just therapy, although it can be educating yourself by just going online and doing searches on what the effect is of a parent treating a child badly, so just getting educated could be a relationship you have with someone in the church, it could be be a coach that you develop a close relationship with, but the really sad thing is that you know, and it's sad for a child who is raised by someone like that because it's conditional that they understand from the beginning don't be too arrogant not only will you be loved isn't that It's not part of the deal Now you will be loved if you comply with these various stipulations in the contract Here's why that's important Before I was talking about the two narcissistic selves, there is the false self, the self that they want everyone to believe, they even try so hard. in believing themselves and then there is their real self, what that means for the narcissistic image is everything is like this, when a parent has a child, what does it mean that the child is the child?

It is what we call a narcissistic extension of the father, so that the child fails in school, that child does not live up to the image that the father wants the family to have in general. represent the child will be criticized excluded frozen discarded you know disowned it's very sad it's very sad but at the end of the day it's not a tragedy as long as the person who is raised like this talks to their friends is honest about their feelings because objective people will give them feedback hey, what was the upbringing you had, it was a disaster, it wasn't right to see the child that was raised like that, they don't have that healthy editor, right, they weren't allowed to get angry, right, they weren't allowed. being resentful or wrong, that's right, do you think there are more narcissistic parents today than 50 years ago?

Well, in terms of generations, um, I would say you know, today we talk about millennials, right, the attachment, the obsession, the attachment to electronic devices is a very unique relationship, notice that it is the individual that has a relationship with something that is not a person, yes, so I would suggest that if there are generational differences, we can see them decades in the future, where they already know the parents. Unplug your devices and connect with your child. You know when someone is watching this and they think you know I just realized I probably had narcissistic parents and they will either seek treatment for themselves or reach out to them like you said. friends or coaches to get honest feedback at any time, if they go back to their parents and address it well with them again, that's a very good question, but the question gets to the root of one of the hallmarks of narcissism, which is that narcissism means there will be no self awareness no responsibility so I am your narcissistic parent I just make you feel like you need to do what I tell you you need to be better you can criticize me for things I have said or done that I will never take responsibility for I can't let you now What is happening underneath all of this psychologically is the narcissist.

This is unconscious. They have fought for so long to build these strong defenses. They cannot allow themselves to think that there is something wrong with them. They can't even let him in. They are afraid that if they recognize one small flaw or one thing they did wrong, the floodgates will open and then they will be attacked. What is so sad is that narcissists are not evil people. Narcissists, in reality, were also victims, someone taught them that. close interpersonal relationships there is something called power where did that come from but that exists in relationships with people with personality disorders which exists of course there are differences between parents and children the father is the authority but that is different from the powerful Yes, the person with authority also has the responsibility to protect and set aside their own feelings, recognize the differences in their child, all of these things are absent in the narcissist, but what people need to remember is that just because you have a narcissistic parent does not mean that. they are a bad or evil person, I promise you that if you look deeper at the relationship they had with their parents, it probably wasn't that good either and I want people who see this to think well, maybe I have narcissism, that doesn't mean that you you have it. a bad person in any case, this is a great opportunity to use this information, go to the next step, do therapy and make some changes to improve your life.

I would never like the stigma of a label, you know, because that doesn't work. all it is is that it gives us information to take the right next steps, right, I mean, we're all works in progress, you know, yeah, it's never too late to change and the most impressive, the happiest, the most powerful what is in this world. In reality, there are people who can say things like I don't know or I messed up a little vulnerability a little humility you know, like this, like this, let's go for a mix, let's not always try to be so strong to win and let everyone know that we do. are.

You are a boss, you will have much better relationships, much more peace in your relationships if you can give a little vulnerability and also accept it in others when they show it to you, yes, that makes me feel so good. I'm going to work on being more vulnerable. I think that's something we can all have. Yes of course. I want to finish with this question. If a loved one or friend has a pattern of seeking romantic relationships with a narcissist, what can that person do? do to help their friend, so if you see someone who is suffering in a romantic relationship and who habitually seeks out people who make that person feel like shit, you don't need to say many words, it's okay, you don't need to. to educate them in a 30 minute monologue is simply saying simple things so that they really see how they feel deep down, what is it if this relationship makes you feel good or what relationships are really for, aren't they supposed to be the relations? sources of comfort, not stress, yes, yes, relationships can be stressful, but in general, aren't they supposed to make us stronger, yes, they don't tear us down, you know, and you give everything we all need in our lives, Is it someone who gives us, not 25 sentences of advice? but just little nuggets that we can then get in our car, close the door, drive home for that 10 minute drive and think about ourselves and that's where the clicks happen, we just need one little nugget so give it to someone who you don't give a damn.

Are you sure this is working for you honey, I really think there is something better for you, yes I love it, I love it, asking a question is also much more, much less aggressive than judgment. Could you ask him what your ideal relationship would be like? and after they explain it, say: Do you understand that in this relationship it is a version of something that would recommend a way to modify it? I would say that when you think about the relationship when you were little, think about what you liked when you imagined yourself as an adult what type of relationship you would have when you imagined that person what is the main feeling that you expected that person to make you feel yes, yeah, and I guarantee it won't be the feelings they feel in this relationship, wow.

Right, do you feel safe in this relationship? Does this relationship make you feel safe? It's possible, you know, and one of the things I tell my patients is that you may not be ready now, but there may come a day when you say you know what. Actually, I'll just give up and give up and say: Actually, I'll just let myself be happy, there's nothing more to say after that, perfect.