Children of Narcissistic Parents

Hello, my name is dr. fox psychologist licensed in the state of texas an expert in air personality disorders and in this video we are going to talk about

children

of

narcissistic

parents

and what we are going to do is go through 16 common

narcissistic

components of parenting Well , this is how they tend to treat

children

, then we'll talk about what happens to these children, how they grow and develop, how they tend to see themselves in their world and what are some things in treatment that I focus on when I work with people who are children of narcissistic

parents

, so let's get into it.

Please share and subscribe. It would be fantastic. Please leave any comments you may have if you have a narcissistic parent. How do you deal with it effectively? I think it's important that we put out positive information that is actually good for those who read it. I think that helps them a lot and that's really what I'm trying to do, is try to create a very positive environment for people who have parents. significant others, including themselves, who may have narcissistic or borderline traits or other personality disorders or the full disorder, but in this case we're going to talk about children of narcissistic parents and let's get into it, okay, so the 16 components common aspects of narcissistic parenting, so the first one is that you tend to only do the things that he or she wanted to do, regardless of whether you wanted to do them or not, which means that no matter what you are going to do, what that person wants to do could be go to the movies, maybe your parents.

They are separated and your narcissistic parent had to go to the office so you sit there all day but they cater to their needs, they don't care about what you want to do and what your interest is so they just drag you in without thinking. As for how it may affect your day or your interest now, that narcissistic parent wasn't around very often and seemed to get gratification from the family, so in other words, you do things outside of that family structure and get your needs met. and then they're happy and then they come to families like, oh, you know, all this work and all this negativity, and you get this internalized feeling of a burden of being a burden, okay, now we'll get more to that in just a second. , no matter what you did, another component, the third, right, no matter what you did, you could never impress him or please him, you are always one less, so it doesn't matter if you got an a, maybe the test before the one you got . a b plus, so it's not the a you got, it's the b plus you got the last time it was mentioned to you.

If you get an A in history at the right school age, we'll just say as you get older so you get an A in history or a 99 in history and you get a 91 in science, so you're like, oh look, you know, I got one so It's not really an a, I mean, you got a 99 in one class and then a 91 and another, I mean you. You're not even consistent, it's like, oh man, I mean, you know, then you get hit, you get hit with that too, it's this internalized sense of doubt that comes from that now, how things looked or appeared were more important than your feelings.

You may not want to wear a particular dress or a particular outfit or anything else, so you feel very uncomfortable, it doesn't matter, you have to present yourself as if you are pretty in the pageant, you have to present yourself as picture perfect, you are present, it is as happy, as healthy as it is stable because that is that direct reflection on that narcissistic parent that now you tended to have the greatest value when he or she could brag about your achievements or complain about your failures, then you become a species of a chess piece, when you become this externalized component or object that allows that narcissistic parent. parents to then draw attention to them that attention is that you know jimmy is a huge failure sally sally just won you know the national spelling bee is right so that's great or you know that Malcolm tried out for the football, but he didn't.

If he doesn't even make the cut, what's that kid going to do? So you give this narcissistic parent the fodder to draw attention to the children's failures or successes, so what does that mean for that child? with his arm outstretched, but that child feels very empty and distant inside, these are all things that that individual carries with him, that sense of bird, that sense of lack of connection, that sense of detachment that he carries with him as he grows. develop, so that someone else can be that one. He or she tended to show that they cared about material gifts rather than attention or words of encouragement and love, so I can tell you that an iPad means nothing, so oh, I love you, I bought the last iPad is irrelevant, right Oh, you got this phone and you got this thing and you got that thing that's it and it's like see I love you for those things that's what those narcissistic parents do right so that when the kid grows up and then they beat up their teenagers, you know, just when we all start to back off, back off a little, assert our autonomy, test those boundaries properly, so we're doing that normal part of development, but that narcissistic parent can't even handle that sense. of dissent and then they quickly crush you they make you feel very little they make you feel like that burden they make you feel like detachment that you are worthy of detachment so they do it and say I bought you an xbox and a playstation and an ipad and everything These other things, but What that does is confuse the child because what the child wants is an emotional connection, but in reality the only emotional connection they have is with an iPad, an iPhone, or, if you're an Android person, an Android phone, right? ?, but whatever.

It is, but it's not the father figure they want, who should be designed to keep them safe, help them feel secure in themselves, build this sense of self-concept through trials and tribulations and successes as we develop, so It's not how narcissistic parents work. The next is jealousy of your opportunities for achievement or looks that provoked criticism and ridicule. Now you often see this in same sex parents, children, okay, so mom, narcissistic mom can be very jealous of a very attractive narcissist or daughter, not a narcissistic daughter, not what I meant, but narcissistic mom straight to the daughter, so let's see what happens, does narcissism beget narcissism?

We're going to talk about that in just a second, but what I'm talking about is that narcissistic parent, maybe, right? She sees herself as very attractive, she's crazy about fitness, right, all that other stuff and then here comes this daughter who's younger, maybe she's in gymnastics, I don't know, but she's very attractive, right, others see her attracted, maybe her friends say, "Oh, your daughter is." Your daughter is so pretty that jealousy and insecurity generate this contempt for that girl. Now remember that the core content of most narcissists is guilt, shame, doubt, fear and inferiority, and all of that is triggered, so what do you do, put it in this safe. object, which is this child who cannot defend himself, so you ridicule him and shame him, this child who then already feels like a burden, already has a sense of detachment and now he is ashamed, so he gets this internalized feeling of shame as that develops.

So another component or characteristic is that he or she tended to see himself seeing her parents as very important and influential and had the right to have the best children, even the best. So I did this for you and I did this for you and what do you do? get a C in science or I did this for you and took you to all these games and you should hit a home run every time you step up to the plate, nobody gets a home run every time you step up to the plate, I'm just saying. I know, but that's the conceptualization.

I did all this for you and this is how you repay me, this is how you show me that you love me and all that and that kid's head is spinning. Confusion also becomes an additional component. truth, shame, truth, and then you have this feeling of confusion. I'm confused with who I am, what I should believe, and what my development is like, so there's a lot of confusion because parents are supposed to be that rock that you bounce off of, right? about what is right or wrong in the world how I should look we want to internalize we want to develop this introject of a positive sense of self a positive individual that is not what narcissistic parents do because narcissism is a maladaptive pattern all personality stories They are maladaptive patterns that the person has developed over the years, so what happens is that that maladaptive pattern extends to the child, but not necessarily narcissism.

We'll talk about that in just a second. I want to finish the list of 16. Okay. So the next thing is that he or she tended to take advantage and manipulate others when it suited him or her. So you see that these parents are manipulative, you see that they get what they want by being underhanded, by lying, by cheating, by doing things right. that are inappropriate, then you develop the conceptualization, the child develops a conceptualization, that's how the world works, cheat, steal, lie, right, because internally what happened is the child is developing what the core content is, fear, shame, doubt, emptiness, abandonment, correct, other types of problems, correct notice. when we talk about the child, some of that core content is a little bit different, right, we'll talk about that for a second, okay, so they start to develop this, but you learn these behavioral patterns and strategies that are so destructive and you learn that.

Of narcissistic parents, another is that others seem to like being around him or her, which is the right parent and he or she sought the spotlight even if it meant degrading his or her children, okay, other people. They like to be around you. So, but that spotlight, the way that I can get that spotlight and be recognized by seeing maybe admiration or sympathy, they also feed off of sympathy, is that the way that they get it is that they demean children. , they see how horrible my son is, they see how terrible my son is. The child is seeing how broken my son is and they use this to get attention because it doesn't matter, you know how it hurts the child, what happens is that it is important to feed the father's narcissism and that, of course, becomes habitual and it's over. and once again, that is internalized with those components that we had already discussed, so another is very sensitive to negative comments or criticism and would expel the people who provided it to him from his life, which means that as he You get older right now you're in your teens and you start to regress a little bit because it's normal to do that, but your narcissistic parent doesn't tolerate any dissent whatsoever, you have to adopt those rules, values, but they're all vague and inconsistent anyway, so You never really know what you can count on, that leads to that inconsistency in your life that goes in addition to being confused, that goes in addition to being a burden, right, that goes in addition to having this sense of detachment.

We are in development and you give some feedback, how about you love me? That, of course, brings you back to what bought you an ipad and an eye, uh, uh, xbox, not an eibach, you know what I mean, but it did well. and you then any dissent is just a massive payment and I'm not going to talk to you, we're not going to talk anymore because you criticized me well and then that parent quickly internalizes and says well, we're never going to talk again and then you as the child because you have attachment, why I think we are biologically designed and programmed to become attached to our first caregivers, there is a lot of research that supports John Bolby, the father of attachment, you can look it up in tons of things about that, but that we are inherently connected, just like like all animals on this planet, we're inherently wired to connect with those caregivers to keep us safe, but if they're maladaptive caregivers, it doesn't matter, you still have that sense of attachment, so regardless of age. they're teenagers 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, whatever you want to attack so that narcissistic parent then rejects you, that hurts, you know, so it brings up all these early problems, it's true, we talk about it being a load, right? then all those other things we just mentioned burden attached confusion truth uncertainty uh now you've learned don't be assertive now you've learned to be passive you might even be passive aggressive in some cases but you're more likely to be passive and internalize the pain and the pain of what must be passive aggressive even though he has learned manipulation from that parent, now when he got angry that narcissistic parent showed rage and little restraint including anger that was verbal, physical or even both so here what learn is Don't bother that narcissistic parent because if you do they lose control and become violent, they make noise, they cross the line because what they have to do is do it quickly because they are not sure of themselves, they do not have confidence.

So not having confidence means you don't have patience, so what happens is that they don't turn the volume down, they turn it up and they turn it up in such a way that you recoil, which adds to that feeling of passivity from that child. grows and develops, so the next thing is that he or she would feel threatened, that narcissistic pain would feel threatened when youYou expressed it in an appropriate way, even when you used i-statements and said that you knew I was really hurt when I heard it yet. that parent is going to say that you are wildly inappropriate because remember that parent has to upload it because it is very insecure, right, that main content, right, fear, shame, doubt, insecurity, right, inferiority and all those things, so they have to upload it. be loud be aggressive so that he or she backs away quickly because he or she is too afraid, the reality is that the next thing is that he or she had fantasies of success and his or her own achievements that were very ambitious, but when they didn't work out it was someone else's fault, so what? must do?

What you realize is that there is no sense of responsibility, so your parents don't recognize that they don't take responsibility in their life, so they always deflect it, so you learn to deflect it, but you are very confused because, As you grow and develop, you do not see yourself as effective, so the world will dictate how you behave and how you respond, and the narcissist's child is likely to gravitate toward the negative because, of course, the negative is more easy than the positive unless you are lucky and can get into a positive social group that fosters self esteem which fosters growth there aren't many around but let's say you usually move into negativity and then when you grow into that , that reinforces the whole meaning. of burden, all this feeling of being detached, all this feeling of loss, confusion, fear and all these things, so you go back to that, because those narcissistic parents those moments of unrealized success that they didn't achieve, probably because they didn't try. really because they blame everyone else for holding them back so they didn't genuinely try, if they tried it was a half-hearted attempt and then they got some kind of negative feedback or what they perceived as negative feedback so they just said no no , they never gave me a chance, but they didn't try, and the only thing we know about success, whether in therapy or in life, is that perseverance pays off, perseverance pays off, so next up is So we are left with two, okay, he or she was right, he or she was very critical of others and he or she was the one who knew the true solution for any given situation, so they give the impression of having all these answers.

Well, I know all about it, but maybe not. I'm telling you unless you work hard enough for it and whatever that hard work is, who knows right now, you know if you're doing calculus and your narcissistic parent doesn't know calculus, then they'll degrade the meaning of calculus. but very critical, right of your calculus teacher, who is probably an idiot, I'm not saying he isn't, that's what the narcissistic parent would say, okay, but they know how to fix all this, so sometimes they do it. What happens is that internal drive to attach. to our caregivers for the child to say okay, look, so what I'm going to do is the way I can be functional here and survive in this environment is to believe the propaganda, believe the propaganda of the narcissistic parents and So what happens is you think this narcissistic parent has all the answers right, whether it's the hot mom or the hot dad who's competing with the son and daughter, whatever it is, then you start saying oh, You know, he or she gets a lot of attention or he or she, you know, makes all this money. or he or she whatever and then you think you internalize that you eat the propaganda and as you eat the propaganda you engage in these behaviors that support it over time, so yeah, my mom or my dad has all the right answers, etc etc.

You tend to believe that but keeping these people on a pedestal only lasts so long because what happens is in our teens we start to realize that our parents don't have all the answers and then in our 20s we start to realize that that you know what no one knows, hopefully when we are 20 years old, we will find out and then that will give us a little humility and a little drive to do things differently and look at our life and take that word, that responsibility and really affect change. in our lives because we really can, but we have to understand that r word and then the last thing is that the relationship that you have with that narcissistic parent is more like a friendship than parenting and the only thing you know is when I find things.

In this way, I like to tell people that you know your children have more than enough friends, but they will only have one or two caregivers or parents. Now it depends. I know some people who have extended family and I think it's great the more support they have. that you have even better narcissistic parents tend to limit the contact that child has. I tend to limit that social circle tends to be very small because the more people there are there, the greater the risk that they will find out that you are not like that. There's a much higher risk of getting correctly mentioned all these other things that trigger that core content, so how do you do it right?

When I work with someone who is the child of a narcissistic parent, what do we do first and foremost, narcissism does not create narcissism, right, we know it is a maladaptive coping strategy. Okay, to put it simply, and then what happens is you have these kids just like we talked about and we're going to just call my clients' kids for a minute right, because I don't work with kids but as adults, right. , but you're still working with that child inside, you're working with that internalized that introjection inside that child, so you still know, it feels like a burden that feels like they don't have a voice who feels indifferent who feels feel misunderstood who doesn't know what they believe and what they see in my opinion is that they see many traits of borderline personality disorder does not mean that narcissistic parents father borderline children or children with borderline personality disorder I'm not saying that what happens It's that you see this, I see it in my work, it's that you see a lot of children with borderline personality disorder traits, the good thing about that is that borderline traits often lead people to seek treatment and that's good, right?

TRUE? Narcissists don't like therapy, but borderline people, people who are on that borderline spectrum like therapy, they actually accept treatment in many cases, so if I can explain to you what we can do is start to rebuild that intervention well, we can work. in that pain that is there we work on your sense of self we work on how you see yourself taking responsibility taking risks and we turn off this noise in your head that in those plural internal critics so I have to emphasize the critics' ass because it is not just one, it's mom, but then over time, as you developed, you internalize these negative aspects because that reinforced that narcissistic parent who kept hitting you over the head about your negativity, about your burden, about your detachment, just If you had loved your parents enough.

He would be a good person, but you didn't do it, so you're broken. Wow, that's narcissistic parenting 101. Secondly, that's nonsense, that's not entirely true because what happens is that narcissistic parent because of his own problems will never feel. enough love except acceptance, appreciation or something like that because that narcissism, that poorly adapted strategy to function, is so strong that they do not allow themselves to genuinely love and care for another because what happens is that there is a risk in loving and caring for others, TRUE? all relationships work, but that narcissistic parent cannot stand that they cannot function with it because they are too driven by their core content, which is fear, shame, doubt, guilt, inferiority, so they create children with this internalized sense of fear, shame, gout, inferiority, but also abandonment also emptiness also low self-concept low sense of self all these other factors that we work on in treatment to develop them so what I I would say that a good strategy is to challenge this idea and hold on to that sense of responsibility write down the things you want to do don't worry get those criticisms out of your head for a minute and say here are the things I want to achieve these are the things what I want to do so first what do you want to achieve what do you have to do to achieve those things, silence that critic because they will tell you that you will never do that, discard those things and write them down and then operationally define how you do it and then what you do.

If you dedicate yourself to doing it, you reject those internal critics, you reject those voices and you do it and you put in the effort and you know what you are going to give to your parents, that narcissistic parent will feel very threatened and very afraid, okay, let them feel that way, let them feel how they need to feel with regret and it's hard to say this but sometimes you have to build your interpersonal circle with people who are going to strengthen you and sometimes the narcissistic parent is the one who continues to absorb you, that doesn't mean they don't. talk forever, what that means is that they have to accept your impulse to do what you want to do to achieve what you want to achieve and in some cases They accept that they are going a long way because eventually or possibly you could overcome some of that and they start to see that you're doing things well that they were too afraid to do, sometimes, although sometimes they get passive-aggressive and try to do it. knock you down, so you have to be careful with that, so I mean we can't talk about all the different components here, but you have to be careful, but sometimes they will be incorporated, you know, I don't think you have to.

I think some people do, but I don't think that will ultimately become the standard. I will never speak to them again. I don't think you have to do that, I think in some cases. maybe you do, but I don't think in every case you do and I think that's why it's very individualized that you can do these things that you can achieve and you can do good things, but get that criticism out of your head, get that narcissism out of your head. father, out of your head, spit them out, right, I didn't really spit there, that was an example, but get them out, get them out and you, you, that's the most important thing.

I hope you enjoyed the video, thank you very much for your time and attention, this was actually a suggestion from someone who saw some of my other videos and asked me to do it, so any other suggestions please let me know and thank you all for your time and attention, fight those inner critics and like, share and subscribe and thank you for your time and attention, take care, bye.