The Power of Mindful Sex | Diana Richardson | TEDxLinz

Translator: anveshi d. botschen Reviewer: Amanda Chu Sex as we know it is greatly influenced by the mind. As humans, we can choose to have sex, unlike our animal friends. They never think about it: it happens when it is happening and not when it is not happening, while we can choose when to have it and how to have it. Sex brings joy, excitement, the possibility of love and connection. It also brings sadness, unhappiness, disappointment, trauma. There is premature ejaculation, erection difficulties and performance stress. There is loss of interest, lack of orgasm, physical pain during sexual relations. And as you know, couples often separate for reasons of sex.

The fact is that we believe that climax is the reason for having sex. It's what we want; It's what we hope for. So our minds have become imprinted with a certain program or agenda that makes us climax or orient ourselves towards goals in sex. This goal generates stress and tension, for example, having to perform well, make your partner happy, or please your partner, do it well, or have an orgasm, or having to delay it as long as possible. And when things don't go as planned or as we want, the possible results are: we become unenthusiastic about the relationship and intimacy, or we give up, stop trying, or look for another partner, hoping things will work out. good. work better.

Well, I'm here to share with you that these problems are not inherent to sex. The problem is not sex itself, the problem lies in the style of having it. Our common style is "

mindful

" sex. I say "full of mind" because we are always thinking about it, even when we are having it. We worry about the climax, we monitor our own performance, we wonder how the partner will do, etc. And if we believe and think that the climax is the reason to have sex, then, of course, it has to be hot, intense, generating excitement and sensation. But there is another style of sex, called "mentally whole" sex.

Mindfulness is a modern word. Very popular. Its true meaning is consciousness, being in consciousness, using the mind, yes, but using it to direct attention to be centered, aware and present in the body; You are not lost in your thoughts. And in conscious sex, we bring that same quality of awareness, like a meditation, to the exchange. Attention is directed inside the body and the entire body is used as a sensory organ. It's more like you're having sex rather than having sex. And just like in meditation, as many of you know from personal experience, be aware of the here and now, without goals.

Let me repeat: in conscious sex there are no goals, not even climax. Of course, it's an option, it's a choice, but it can happen after 2 or 3 hours, if you want. But it's not something you work for, rather you relax, you take it easy. Imagine for a moment that you decide to spend a day in nature. Imagine it's a beautiful day: warm, clear sky. And at a certain point, you have to make a decision. Do you follow your favorite trail up the mountain? Or do you stay in the valley? As much as you like to climb the mountains, on this day you decide to stay in the valley, take a slow walk, explore the forest, relax by the river and spend that day without any particular goals in mind, and without the tension and effort. of reaching the peaks and the fatigue that follows.

What I'm saying is make a conscious decision to stay in the valleys and not always look for the peaks. Well, this sounds different, right? And yes,

mindful

sex requires us to open our minds about sex. And... do you have an open mind? Open to explore? 30 years ago, I thought I had an open mind. I had lived through the seventies: sexual freedom; I thought my sex life was great. But then I realized I was going around in circles, from falling in love to falling out of love, over and over again. I had this growing feeling that there had to be more sex.

And, at that time, I was living in India, and that's where I came across this other style of sex: mind-full sex. So, I spent the next five years doing pretty solid research, and I wasn't... yeah, you got it... I wasn't in libraries reading books, I was doing research in bed. (Laughs) And, you know, conscious sex is definitely nothing new. It's been there for millennia. Reuniting sex with consciousness, as meditation, as a spiritual experience, is one of the aspects of tantra, an ancient body of knowledge from India. When I started, I was curious, that was all, or some would say adventurous.

Time and time again I put this ancient teaching into practice and gradually my entire experience and view of sex was revolutionized. After a while, my friends started coming to me with questions, and that led me to teaching, and then I started writing books about it, and I've been involved in this way for 25 years. Normally, when I talk about this topic, I have a lot of time to go into details (several days in a seminar or the length of a book), but here, today, in this situation, it's going to be a quickie. (Laughs) By now you're probably wondering: Well, what does conscious sex look like?

And it is easier to describe by highlighting some contrasts because when we incorporate mindfulness, certain changes start to occur, for example, from premature ejaculation to a much, much longer duration, even hours, from physical pain to physical pleasure, from the pressure of performance. , from stress to relaxation, to taking it easy, from disconnection and sadness to feeling a bond with your partner, happy, from loss of interest or avoidance of sex to interest, the will, the longing to return, to feel used or see sex as a duty to feel valued and appreciated. So those changes sound great, but really, how do we do it?

The good and big question. First of all, I want to say that my own experience is male-female and I have worked with thousands of couples like this over the years. However, I have also worked with other combinations of couples and can say with confidence that awareness will increase relationship, intimacy and loving bond with any couple, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Naturally, some of the details between men and women will not apply, but the principles can be adapted and explored. That said, here are nine basic principles: the first, very practical, you make an appointment;

Set aside two, three hours or more of uninterrupted time. This works very well for women because the female body warms up and opens to sex much more slowly than the male body. When the female body is open and ready, this will completely elevate the quality of the exchange for both of you. For men, dating is very helpful because men often walk around wondering when they can safely have sex again. And if he knows it's going to happen tomorrow night (or tonight), then he'll be much more relaxed, present, centered with himself and with you. The next principle is the most important, and it is... if you understand this one, then everything else just flows.

Your intention is to be as aware and present as possible, and you take it moment by moment. Then, again and again, you scan your body: you relax it, you relax the tensions; you check your jaw, shoulders, belly, genitals, buttocks, anus; and you do it repeatedly. The next thing is to breathe deeply; Instead of breathing shallowly, breathe deeply and slowly into your belly, toward your genitals. The next, instead of entering the body quickly and forcefully, you enter very consciously and open the channel millimeter by millimeter, and use lubrication to facilitate that entry. Next, instead of mechanical back and forth friction movements, each movement is done with awareness, and that naturally creates slowness and that increases your sensitivity.

Instead of building up and building up emotion, you relax: a little emotion and then you relax, a little emotion and then you relax. Instead of having your eyes closed and being involved in thoughts or fantasies, your eyes are open, you are present, you are here, you have eye contact if you wish, and at any moment, you can share in words what you feel and experience. In your body. And the last thing, have a sense of humor because, the truth is, funny things happen, and we all know that it is very healthy and good to laugh a lot.

But you laugh at yourself and not at your partner, please. (Laughs) In short, conscious sex is about staying in the coolest areas and not getting too hot or excited. Sex is like fire: you add wood too quickly, you let it burn brightly, it will create beautiful burning flames, but very soon, that fire will go out, whereas if you add the wood piece by piece and keep the flame going. low, then that same fire will last all night. I'm not saying you have to give up mindful sex, but just be aware that that style creates problems. So try to open your mind and give yourself other options.

Have mindful sex whenever you want (quick, quick high) have mindful sex when you want to nurture the love and connection between you. In my learning path, what I felt afterwards was the most important thing, the best teacher, not immediately after, but also in the following days. So next time, afterward, take a look. Allow yourself to look and feel what that style is doing to you on a deeper level. For example, the climax may have been great, but afterwards you feel a little tired, disconnected or sad, perhaps irritable or aggressive, whereas if you stick to the calmer style, you may notice that you feel refreshed, full of energy, animated and more in love. with your mate.

Now... the most important thing I ask of you is: Don't believe me. (Laughs) Try it for yourself and try it for yourself. It's a door so close to home that it's easy to miss or overlook. But just around the corner, just a turn, a completely new universe opens up. 30 years ago, I would never have imagined that changing the way I make love would mean spending the rest of my days talking about sex, especially in a forum like this. So I am here, without goal or agenda, to share with you a life-changing truth: that awareness in sex creates love, generates love, and nurtures connection.

I dream of a world where we not only fall in love and then fall out of love, but where we fall in love together. Let's start the real sexual revolution and create a new experience for humanity. A world where couples live in harmony, where sex gets better the longer they are together, where sex brings healing, connection, trust, clarity, where sex invites love and peace on earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you a brave heart and spirit of adventure! Thank you! (Applause) (Greetings)