The Most Dangerous Joke Ever Told. Mark Christopher Lawrence- Full Special

What happened to the person who killed him? Everyone is ruined before they start. Let me tell you this a couple of months ago. I was doing a charity event in La Jolla, California, in Southern California, a big fancy party and I had a mansion and I preface that by saying

ever

ything in my act I tell you that the story in my act is probably a story real thing that really happened to me and I embellish it to make it funnier, but

most

of the stories are real stories and that's why on this particular night I'm at this charity event and I'm about 14 minutes into my hour set and the host comes up and He says, I'm sorry, Mark, and he's reaching for the microphone, so it immediately pops into my head if I said something.

That was out of character for this charity and then he says: Is there a doctor in the house? There happened to be four doctors in the house that night, one of them being the head emergency doctor in San Diego. I killed the guy that night with pranks. You had to die somewhere that night, that event was the place to be because they brought him back and he woke up laughing, I killed him, my pranks brought him back, so what I'm trying to tell you is here tonight, This is it, if you know. You have a problem with the fine.

I can't be responsible for your health by just taking it out at that moment and apparently I was the only black man in the room again so my mind started racing yeah what if the police had come and said what happened? the one who killed him,

ever

yone has ruined the victory and now I have to have a confrontation with the police and then I end up in a cell with bubbles staring at me, so what awaits you? I killed the guys with his

joke

, are we clear? I'm glad to be here I'm glad I get to travel all over this beautiful country of ours and I spent a lot of time in the south and I'll tell you, friends, the south is alive and backwards.

I was in Missouri Missouri. It was spawned like it's the Midwest, it's the South, they fooled me, even though they flew me to Kansas City. Now Kansas City is a metropolis, lots of nightlife, arts and culture, great restaurants, a lot of five people like we have here in Provo tonight, but. They picked me up at the airport and took me two and a half hours to the forest. They were black. They didn't even know they were free. This is the south. True, they were going. Don't tell

joke

s about NASA. Come see yourself free. I was in a small town in Missouri Sedalia Missouri three teeth in the whole town the mayor had a moon bracelet first they were all black people someone's at home stage this is going to be fun I said I'm glad I'm here in Missouri, Someone said we saved Missouri.

Are you saying it wrong? You're just not as smart as your friends for a little money because that bookmobile then gets the mizura that's often enough to say that Missouri is the home of the big girl. They like cookies. I realized. there's someone for everyone and I'll tell you guys, if you're a chubby hunter, if you like them, puffy Missouri might be the place for you, you can get a bag of cookies and hang out in the park, they'll follow you to your home. car like pigeons I realized I'm a big guy, I was a little guy in Missouri, people would come up to me and say, "how are you man, pretty good lady, good teeth, ate terribly in Missouri, everything It was fried food, do you ever go somewhere to eat, no." No matter what you order, they put something fried on your plate, whether you ordered enough fried pickles, fried tomatoes, fried bread.

There isn't as much fat in Missouri anymore. Now I drink a glass of water. Drops accumulate in my throat. I found a fried thing that I loved fried candy bars. Someone took a candy bar wrapper with cinnamon roll dough and then threw it in the fryer. Who was I to say no? Because on all of them, the fourth or fifth, my heart started to race. I'm going to be one. in the face of butter that sweats quickly, people approach me without even trying to help me, they are rubbing their cookies before they get home. I thought it would be better to go get checked, they say that inside every fat person there is a thin one fighting outside. one fatter in me right now I'm losing the battle my doctor says I'm an anomaly to him he says

most

people retain water it seems like I'm retaining it and I get it my mom is in Louisiana so I grew up with me at every meal a someone like that my mother gives you a whole ham for a snack she's a baby dinner won't be ready for another hour take this ham I'm four years old dragging a 40 pound ham around halfway so now I'm trying to get back to my fighting weight, baby, get back to that place where I'm happy, you know, I mean, here you know what I'm talking about, that that loose place, I don't want to lose too much.

I don't want to be like that guy though, it's a job, you know the guy, the guy who lost like a hundred pounds and comes to work bragging about it every day. You know, I lost more than half my body weight. I lost over a hundred pounds but I still have that big wow head. You lost too much. Do you have a hard time finding hats? I don't want to be that guy. I do not want to lose. Don't know. losing the love handles because he's been with me for so long like an old friend more and more, you know you can squeeze the love out of your love handles, give yourself a cut there on the road, makes you want to bless someone, Jesus. he loves you and your fancy lane change you can't do that when you're skinny you get tight so you have to stick the pink in your belly button you spend the rest of the day trying not to smell it there's nothing hamburgers but the doctor

told

you I need to get busy diet I can't do it I'm like one day uh two three four days off if at first you don't make it I have another fried chocolate bar I hope for the best that is my logic and so many diets that exist, that is my support, which diet will be the best for me, get the zone, the Atkins diet, the Scarsdale Hollywood 24 hour diet, which is supposed to be great, is coming to a plastic surgeon right now.

I'm mainly following the Clydesdales diet. It's like hey, hey, give me some of this, hey, don't take that away from me yet, I'm not done yet, they say that in order for you to maximize the potential of your diet, you have to exercise. I started working out at a new gym. Maybe you've heard about curves the first day you get a personal trainer. She put me in front of a

full

-length mirror. She says,

mark

, let's identify your trouble spots. I see him every day. It's all travel, like if you really want to identify my trouble spots, shouldn't we be looking in my refrigerator?

That's where the problems begin. Still Michelin presented me with muscle confusion. I hadn't exercised in two years when I started cornering training. I said my muscles are confused because I'm here they go where are the couch machines? a good coach, a great coach. I played sports my entire life since I was a little kid in fifth grade all the way through college. I've had some of the best coaches in the world at the University of In Southern California, we had some of the best coaches you can imagine, but this curveball coach is the best coach I've ever had.

That's how good this trainer is in the corners. The first six weeks, my chest went from being to. to a C cup I brought you to the gym one day my trainer

told

me she says

mark

today we are going to do bench press and I am a man did I mention it you tell a man we are going to do bench press we swear straight don Isn't it that Do we guys get too deep? Yes, let's press. She grabbed two ten bills and placed one on each side of the bar. I was like, girl, get out of here with that, grab them 45 from there and put them on this side of the bar. bar I'm going to put four 45's on this side of the bar, we don't bench press like a man here on the bends, so we load the bar in front of that arch, have you ever seen that guy at the gym lifting all the dumbbells?

You can't go home because he has your car there, so I sit on the bench. You might be ready to start bench pressing and putting your hands on the bar, and when you start bench pressing, you can't put your hands on a wheelie. Anywhere on the bar, I'm right guys, well that makes Sheehan symmetrical. Wow, this is a difficult exercise, you can't go right next to the muscles, confusing yourself, talking about alkanes, finally I sit on the bench, I go up the total weight, go up what gravity is fun. thing the weight came down so fast a little whistle I try to bounce it off my chest you know deeper in my chest the courage the woman don't be ashamed I did what every man here should do if you find yourself in that situation I let out a little peace I feel just a splash just a little bit of mist so I can think of what to do next a splash so I can have a moment of clarity once you have that clarity your mind will tell you what to roll down you can see you wish you could sit down give it a try blame her, you're supposed to be watching me, you know, I trained in two years where those ten, I work hard when I'm in the corners to really try to get myself together. sometime and they try to work a little I will make everyone bench on the curves, no one on those curves can help me on the bench, there is a silver back of a woman who surpasses me in very strong 18 inch biceps, she comes to the gym hot every day.

Every time I see you, buddy, you're wearing those fifties, no, ma'am, nice tooth. One day I was working hard on the curves so I'm going to go home and take a shower because they don't let me shower on the curves anymore and I slipped in the shower and broke my back. True story. I crushed my t11. I'll give you something sticky on your toe. You know, I'm talking about the match, the stripes, the geometric shapes, a little bit of sand, something to keep you from slipping and sliding. BAE, this particular day, go home, I'll get in the shower and I could clean myself up.

I use the entire bar of soap in a store. I look like a snowman in the shower, if you can imagine, I lift up all the bands of snow in one turn to let the water hit me in the face like I have done so many times before without incident and suddenly I was in the air, Let me tell you something: It weighs 250 and some hot pounds and suddenly you're four feet off the ground floating out of the shower. a scary situation I needed some clarity I needed it now I'm not going to lie it was a pretty comical bunch of water movements if you can imagine I found the clarity kicked in for me we ran out of shampoo this floor has some spots I Could use some CLR for that, is this a new song?

I know I'll never buy a new shower curtain and then I fell to the floor, but now I'm lying on the floor, a naked snowman peeing while I, but I have two cats, cats do it. not respecting your personal space the cats chose the door one of them is sitting on my chest his face so close to mine judging he said what is she doing down here she was really scaring me I thought he was dead I didn't know I could talk two years he said one word now I have all kinds of equipment to shower with that velcro on my shell I think some booties that stick to the velcro I have those old bars there I have a bungee cord system and a harness that helmet and mouthpiece I can't even shower anymore I just thought I was going to be late for this program on the phone she told my mom I told her mom I have to go I could go in the shower she said alone so you better get some money there on the adventure they help you put on that harness you They had a lot of fun now I'm getting older it's probably the slip in the shower I'll be 54 this year yeah don't clap it doesn't go down grace

full

y When I turned 40 that's how I knew I was starting to get old it's like I woke up the day I was 40 years and my elbow was in excruciating pain, it was swollen and it was killing me so much that I went to the ER doctor, check out this scan. and he says yeah, yeah, he's tennis elbow, that's probably what they call it.

Would you do an internship? Because I don't know what it is you think that makes you think I even watch tennis. My name is Mark Christopher Lawrence. I'm originally from Compton, California, home of the drive-by shooting, one of many American cities where the cost of living is rising. The chances of life going down. Mark is my birth name. Mark Christopher Lawrence. It's not a made-up Hollywood name. There are many names made up in Hollywood Ving Rhames that's right, I'm black, I'm almost 54 years old. I don't know a guy with a name but him, look this is how we blacks like to use that sign in names, have you noticed that Shaquille?

Shaniqua, I'll be softer, kid, the other day Tyrone with a Q, said my mom fed the Q with fiddle. I told your mom the turkey was stupid, that's stupid. I was lucky that my brother named his children after things he likes, cars he can't. Even affording a Porsche and a Bentley, my fat nephew Hummer, it was hard growing up in Compton, it was hard I grew up in Compton doing the rise of the Bloods and the Crips I lived in a red neighborhood I went to school in a blue neighborhood, so it was It's hard to get to and from school, so one day I decided I had to join a gang so I wouldn't get beat up going both ways.

I left school there around 11in the morning to join a gang and get there. put my hat to the side, you know, the gang say where they take their hats to the side like that, my pants were down, you stood against their vision, make them walk together, you're a gangster stove. I left school at 11 o'clock. at home at around 6:00 at night it's very difficult to walk with your pants down like that every 34 steps you have to stop and go and that's gangsta I got home my mother was already home from work preparing dinner she's at home kitchen talking to a friend, he said wait a minute girl, I'm going to have to call you again, this guy lost his mind, he said, why are you dressed like that?

I said I'm in a gang, Mom, two weeks later, when I came to, when they woke me up from a coma. She put me on. She was sitting right next to my bed in the hospital. She said: Let me tell you something. I'm the old leader of the gang. Running this, they attacked me that day, apparently I'm still in one of those 78 years, if I don't call her every other day, she calls me at least messages, it's your mom, thanks, note, click on a number, leave whatever. I'm doing I have to go calm down her mom I don't believe in discipline she believes in education so I applaud I think you have children, this is what my egg becomes controversial how many of you believe in spanking and one of my timeout people that way she'll like two suits they don't let people in the room, but I'm not saying beat your kids to death, I'm saying at a young age give them a little bit of the greeting of the Queen so that when they get to be 13 14 years old you know you don't really have to knock them out yeah, what no, there are no timeouts when I was growing up I was growing up you could scream for so long you try to ask for the timeout she had a salesman switches was the weather control all the switches on the label what type of wood it was when he picked it up he would stop anywhere to get these and get a piece of the tree OWSLA baby how about you give me a piece of that tree?

You will not do it. She believes in education. I made sure we all went to school, education by the wayside because we said no one can take your education away from you once you have that knowledge in your head, knowledge is power. I think well, my educators, any educators in the room tonight, what do you teach history? English, what a great seven. Oh, high school, he says I suffer to teach one day in high school, high school, this little boy was pushing my buttons. Do you ever have a child pressure you? Look, I don't know how all the buttons know. he pushes so he was pushing them all he's running he's throwing things he's pulling hair at one point he's standing at a desk like that far away from me looking at me and defining myself I said look boy if you don't sit down I'll break your leg I know you know more than that he He said you can't touch me let's say you know you need to be in school you don't know the difference between Kate and you're not supposed to say it he said if you touch me You'll lose your job.

I said yes, you're probably right. I'll probably have to get a job as a garbage man, who by the way makes more than teachers, so we'll send him from that superintendent. I regard my new raise as garbage. man so you got the crutches you want to sit or you want to live they didn't ask me to come back after that my sister homeschool kids she turns evil soon you know I been talking so long and now it's like I'm linked to school at home. my children would be stupid as dirt counts for me Marky won another one this one boom bless her heart my smart daughter my daughter is smart evil smart she told me one day she says dad do you know that girls are smarter than boys I?

She said no, honey, I didn't know she said, there you go, 'cause they knew I knew the way home, you guys are so funny. I'm looking at you guys here, and some of you are looking at me the way he looks. He looks familiar to me, but I'm not really sure what I know. That's my life every day, every day, someone reaches out to me. See, did you go to university? Mm-hmm, maybe it's television or something, no, it's not like that, thanks, it's not like that, I understand. defensive, you know, because I grew up in Compton, you know, so the defensiveness is there, so I try to keep it at bay.

You know, I was at the train station when I didn't go to downtown Los Angeles, I usually live in San Diego now. I usually take the train from Los Angeles to San Diego, so one night yeah, the train station is right next to the Twin Towers, which is the county jail, so one night I take the ten o'clock train home and I'm on my feet. on the platform because it is close to the carriage apartment. I'm waiting for the train, it's about a quarter to ten, there's still no one down there and I see these two guys just coming out of the corral and they're having like this new hot day.

Fresh out of the corral, they had their plastic bags with other things in their jail luggage, that's what they had all their things in and I'm looking at them looking at me from a distance, so if you see me on the streets, friends. This is what I'm going to tell you because I'm getting defensive because I grew up in Compton. If you see me on the street, don't stare, just walk up and say, "Hey, did you go to college or something?" It makes me wonder if I need to take my hands out of my pockets because something is going to happen and then these two prisoners just released, well, the first one carrying his luggage is looking at me and they start walking towards me, so I go up to the platform.

I figure I'd better get up here, but better safe than sorry, I get on the platform and then they come up the other side of the ramp and they're coming towards me, so now there's tension in the air and I see it and I put on the backpack and I'm not a fighter but I'll scratch you like you wouldn't believe so I give him a backpack and I see him talking and one of them always talks more than the other. I heard that room, you know, if something happens, you have to pick the one who talks the most because that's the one, so I said, "Okay, I'm going to scratch him all over the face, hit him with that windmill" and then they came and They said "hey." man, we loved you on that show, Chuck, so what I'm saying is don't skip, judge a book by its cover, that's all I'm trying to say.

I love this job, this is my favorite activity in all the things I do as an actor and comedian. I love live feedback. I love being able to come to a different city and learn a little bit about myself and you know, sometimes I learn a little bit about you and what I don't like about this job is that no, I don't like having to go to the airport and deal with the TSA. to get to it. Look, there is no unified protocol for TSA in this country. Have you noticed that every airport is different, you know, if I knew I had to do X, Y and Z, I would do XY and Z and everything would be fine.

You know, I call every time I go through the metal detector, so now I just wear a hospital gown and socks. they avoid the x-ray machine at all costs they save the amount of radiation you receive from the x-ray is the same as when you go to the dentist every time I have been to the dentist for an x-ray they have covered you me, the cover, Kate, run a four story 40 out of the room I was left behind a little pain a bulletproof glass press the button run forward move the thing and run out again I'll get everything that would slip me two years I have a whole other head growing on the side of my neck I'll be a comedy team at that time.

I take the pat down every time most people don't like the pat down because it's so invasive - I can't stand touching everything. If they pat you down, you don't like it, do what I do since they start moving, just go, it was so nice, they'll be next. There are a couple of airlines. I hate flying Frontier Air. You see the bus in the sky. a bus in a third world country they have chickens and goats there, you have to pay for everything check your purse, handbag or air, sir, I saw you breathing, you will have to swipe your card.

I don't like Southwest or your bags. fly for free but you have a fight over a seat they don't assign you a seat now the co-pilot is mad because I'm sitting in his seat I was on a Southwest flight and that's how you know you're on a small plane or the guy in front of you who he's a big big head, this guy got on the plane and the whole cabin went dark and he said, not even directly in front of me, that's how big this guy's head is, he's sitting there and I can't see the screen and the camera is coming up. lady.

Would you like to buy the headphones? She looks and says, OH, she'll need a stabilizer. They always say she knows: fasten her own seat belt. Be sure to think that there is someone sitting on a plane. today that doesn't know how to wear a seat belt, do you think someone is sitting there saying oh, let's see all of you here tonight. I just want to leave you with this, see guys, we, as males of the species, are very nice. in we want to touch taste feel control that's what we are women we want to talk about it because it complicated you are ladies you are very complicated and you have been complicated for a long time that's how I know that the Bible says on the sixth day God put He looked at it down and put him into a deep, coma-like sleep, he removed Adam's rib and anyway, woman, God didn't breathe the breath of life into a woman and then God needed a break, in fact, he stopped creating after that.

I imagine all the angels flying around, but what about that? Bill platypus, you know, fix there's a mess, it sounds like no, that's good, that's perfect. You can imagine Eve complaining about everything. And when she's just Radnyx? How come she is underwater? We laugh. Finally God woke him up and said, hey, hey, Adam, Adam, Adam, good luck with that money, it's murder, Christopher Lawrence, guys, thanks for coming.