Steve Merchant Anecdotes

and then he took me to the airport, yeah. Did I know that was before the last time I saw you was before I got to the airport and missed my flight? Wasn't it because I had to leave you? Yeah, no, that was right before I had to leave you. pay a hundred and sixty-five pounds to change to another thank you didn't you tell me that in the last hour I had to pay a hundred and sixty-five pounds Ricky because we left you at the train station, so I mean, do you want to go half way on that or whatever you want to add, you want to negotiate with that, you want to fix that whole mess, why did you wonder why I was late?

Because we leave you in the center of Edinburgh and you know how difficult it is. It's a very rush hour traffic but it was only three minutes away so anyway sir no because if we went in the other direction it was 20 minutes it took about an hour to get to the airport and I got there and the truck plane left and Kirby was just laughing, he was saying we'll never make it, he gives you a religious man, you better start praying. I thought he was joking, he was absolutely right. and sixty-five why didn't he tell you that when it was when he picks up or it makes you wonder, obviously I'm a little upset because you know I'm not a man who likes to spend unnecessarily, but Wait, but this is not my fault because you were That's when we make that decision.

I didn't impose this on you. We both decide it's our fault. I mean, it's nobody's fault. Our fault is that fair. That's all I want. Hearing that it is both of our faults, therefore, it is our financial obligation. There's no 165 pounds, just divide that in half, write a check. Rick, of course, it changes our trust in you. Do not call. I think everyone, this is responsible, no, of course, I'm not if you, yes. you share a taxi and then one person is lucky not to be late and another person is unlucky and that's what bad luck is.

I don't think you share the obligation of this market and the moral dilemma. It is not like this? It's more than Although it's not because, let's be honest, even if you had known I was going to be late, you would have wanted me to hang around so you wouldn't be waiting for a train now because I'm bored in the city. You would have wanted me to at least come in. over there. I was too early, obviously I got there. I was there for about 30 minutes and that was exactly what it was like. I mean, I did.

I've butchered meat walking around for half an hour, so. You could get there at a quarter past four and the other thing is you were going to get there at a quarter past four anyway, yeah if I had gone the other direction and not dropped you off downtown I would have been there if we did. Wow, just God. He knows it well and copies what I mentioned to him. I'll tell you what would cheer you up. I'll tell you what's better than 80 pounds. I'll tell you, wait for the music to be so light. How much are you paying for the full 165?

Just because obviously I It was an exciting week relatively speaking, just spending it all with you in a small room. In that way I've been acting a little bit this week because I know I know and I don't normally act, but basically there are some people. on the BBC or doing a comedy pilot, sort of a comedy TV show, and you know, I auditioned for it and the role was to play this sort of lanky, weird-looking geek, you know, and how did you beat him? I don't want to sound arrogant, but I was given a job on the spot, so I won't do it, but I will.

He is a very tall guy like me. That's the part that isn't about you having an advertising character who is six or seven years old. inches tall and I'm trying to beat the tallest man in the world, that's all, yeah, but there's always a guy who beats me every year because he's a little bit taller, but this year I think, for some reason, because I've been training, I can beat him better and Unfortunately, Phillips, if you necessarily feel like it was her, she's very good, calm, an actress and she wrote, so it was very funny and witty, then it was fine, it was all your night, a little progress and everything was like the right deal. really good and the problem is that yesterday I had to dance one of the happy sequences, that's now, as you know, I think I'm a pretty great dancer, I'm a bit of a mover, yeah, and I have to tell you this, Rick, do you have any Anyone who has been paying attention to the album has seriously noticed my way of dancing.

I really moved like a dancing county horse. Bale is terrible. He was weak and they say this choreographer was trying to show me some moves and it was just an illness. It's like crying about it, yes, but the worst thing about this is that today my entire body is devastated by pain and agony. I am completely devastated with agony. I'm trying to get under the stairs this morning. I swear to god. I look like a bit of a limp herd I was angry I was like my dad had disabled hip replacements I was like I had to go at an angle going down the stairs it was ridiculous and I was really worried suddenly I'm thinking because I thought I was fitting pretty good at everything and I had been discussing with this friend, my housemate, that maybe we should start doing some exercise because I'll be a little awake, right, he's a tall guy and quite skinny, he's got a belly.

I don't. I don't know how to sum it up, have you ever seen the movie Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yeah, it looks like that test said the term is rock, so we suggested we decided we could do some exercise together. Well, this is what we will do every morning. We were going to go up, we're going to work out together, that's not going to happen well, well, no, wait, Rick, you say you're wrong because a couple of days ago I told him, listen, what we should do is get one of those health videos. . You know, there's kind of a workout videos, as they call it, um, I don't know, they might have some aerobics thing or an hour-long workout.

I said, you can get one of the ones presented by cam girls like Pauline Quirke, Elle Macpherson or Cindy Crawford. You know what you know, someone like that, someone hot, right, so I swear to God, we fell this morning, we got it right. I just want you to imagine this scene. It's Mimei and I in our shorts. The right man at morning o'clock working. Actually I didn't do it to Helen from the Big Brother video, right, it was the cheapest, Steve, you told me, thank you very much, we sold that ad also the night, and the two of us in shorts, she's there like no, she's the closest thing there is to a living Homer Simpson right, showing things I just wanted to be reassured right, there's nothing gay about that, there's nothing to touch, something fruity about that image, no, I mean, I think a time you avoid it It would be Liza Minnelli Roy's account, Graham Norton on Dale Winton, gay burn, sure, it's not gay, no, but I mean the names are a bit gay, right?

Yeah, so I think I heard all the brothers, you're probably in a safe house. I don't know, I really have to tell you, but I know because I know you have a personal trainer arm, she's not in that kind of state, this kind of betting in Rome, I doubt that amount of cash is true, if that bothers you . I'll tell you what's really weighing on me during the last week of this postal strike. I'm telling you, Rick. I have no sympathy for him. He would be a scab. I would be walking through him giving him the finger.

I'll go to you. I can intimidate my family I don't care I don't care because the signs have to come because I'm telling you what this is not the fact that you know the union could organize a strike that I'm behind that's fair enough but no, when are they These Wildcats? They just know they're taking days off whether they want to or not, no, it's going crazy, maybe Carl is better than some of them were. I know, I know Carl must be alive because he's probably the New One's copies of him. The scientists and the literature review haven't come out so it's in terrible shape and I have important documents that are basically coming together there's nothing there isn't there isn't hiding his hair and I was cooking last night I panicked because I was thinking about Yes This is going to spread now among other organizations and other groups and you know, our response works partly because I was cooking, but you know, I'm suddenly terrified that they might go on strike and attack the potato managers at the end.

The night I ate so much sausage, my second one opened, but I had to sit on the edge of a seat so my stomach would hang out. Yes I loved potatoes. Potatoes in bed. I couldn't do without them. I feel like maybe I could make my own bread. I would know where to start with this part, yeah, and it's like they're amazing, you can boil them, you can roast them, yeah, I mean, or roast them it's like Isis pasta. I don't think it's as good as I mean, obviously, the chip. a tayo is for the working classes he was always at the top the fat fire was always lit in my house the roof, you know, the death trap fire and what is the yellow polystyrene roof when it is in our house and we are always in the fries because I remember everything Listening if I think back to my childhood, all I remember is that I had to stop buying potatoes or call your dad to tell him to get some potatoes, that was your job, right?

Yeah, slimy, it really worries me because you have to feel. the diary for you, you know when you're in school, but Amish, if you did the same thing, but you become like a little red book, right, and every night I think it was a way for the teachers to keep an eye on you? If you went out to steal, if you wrote it in your diary, they would say what you were playing, sure, so you would have to write what you did every night, yes, but I didn't go up that much. just run errands, yeah, and it was my job to like, I haven't had any errands cause I went to your phase, a local supermarket and bought you, you got new things, phase, phase, yeah, I hate, ugh, I just thought I'd do the errands. a bag of potatoes, well she stapled so I used to put it as my diary every day and it got to the point where even teachers like to just make something up, yeah stop putting the same thing in something live.

I remember when James Lil Sousa scored, it was about telling some inaccurate project during the week and they gave them a big list like a list of a hundred animals that they checked off when they saw one that week and the teacher knew it was because he chose a beaver, huh, so is trying to win the games that I know, unless it was Susie, are they both white? I don't know, yeah, so we are. I just feel like it feels like the potato people have me over a barrel. You know, I mean, they could raise the prices.

I still have to buy the potatoes. I don't have anything else. I got over it. You know, you have your fancy pastures for the upper classes, but for the working classes. I don't think people who grow potatoes try to think that anymore. Could we go and pick them up ourselves or would growing a mustache be the most useless strike? What would be the strike we did? I mean, I tell you what I say. a strike, so, um, those guys who do sketches in Covent Garden, you have to pick one with a big nose and a big chin, I want them to use a caricature of me and my sister.

I need a sketch, I think a pencil drawing of Leonardo DiCaprio looking like a monkey. I mean, how are we going to get this? This is amazing, yes, I believe it. I'll also tell you the strikes that have no effect, those people in the nightclub bathrooms, ooh, you know, there are the links, ste odon. It's a pretty controversial moment with the Tweedy case of a Cheryl Tweedy girl, I don't mean, I had some good news, this time I was in the... going down and I died Adonis and Erica. I don't sound pushy, but I was on Green.

Park and I'm pretty sure he wasn't 100 percent cooperative. Soon a woman pinched my butt. So what do you think of that? Yes my wallet was still there, even if it wasn't you know it would have been money. I spent what do you think of those apples? Hey, so what do you imagine? No, I can't confirm right now, what exactly happened, but it certainly felt like a pinch. I looked around, woman, there was a woman buying me. Okay, she was pretty old, fought in her mid-30s, right, reddish hair guy, right, I don't know if she's listening, so I don't know how to really proceed, Rick, I don't know if it's worth putting up some signs. . the Green Park area operated if you saw a woman pinch you could probably contact British Rail and look, go back there, see, see and then thank you, probably zoom in and you know, I tend to find birthmarks I've been holding . how much could I rehire a private detective money well spent Wow, there you go, you know, I'm just saying maybe that you know, maybe things are getting better things Christmas did the worm was breaking I don't need a sexy little verse story for watch the show what's your answer oh i mean you're a pretty tall guy so she must have really wanted to reach out and another pinch 6 foot 9 is, her butt is about 3 feet off the floor 4 feet what she it would have to be to have to reach out to pinch Steve Darcis is very tall but I don't know what your point is Carl, you just see, you're just trying to let yourself know, that's who you are.

I think maybe there's other jealousy, just a little bit of jealousy, um, but I was just what she was talking about about this little performance she was doing yesterday and I didn't want to be disrespectful to anyone who was involved, but obviously there were some extras or support.artists like I think you know and you know, you all really tried hard to do a good job and everything, but there was only one guy that was next to me and you know, he's a pretty tall guy and not as tall as me, but tall . boy, you know a pretty handsome guy and I just Larry, obviously he gets pretty boring because he hangs around people a lot waiting and fixing lights or just next to mini Justin oh, he was looking for something to say to me. obviously he was looking forward to the new Guns and Roses album and I was like, I didn't realize there was one coming, I was actually like yeah, yeah, I'll watch it, yeah, Slash won't be on it because obviously she's not with him, but I'm glad that your sweet son of mine, one of my favorites, started singing some of the songs, with especially good salaries, but I tell you, he didn't seem like a rocker in any way, he seemed like a guy who would work in a kind of account agency. at Barclays, yeah, behind the counter, yeah, a pretty well-cleaned worker says there's nothing wrong with it, but there's all the people who work there in the front row, okay, so he says, yeah, I mean, I got in on them with Appetite for Destruction, the first classic album, but even you know that.

I also enjoyed the spaghetti incident, I mean, I like them all, okay?, and he says. I told. I told myself. Have you ever seen him live? Monsters Rock and Slash's Snakepit played solo slushies every day, yeah anyway, I never, ever ate those pies live before and they threw me in the mosh pit, oh man and I was there and I tell you this, have you been to Mosh's government? I know. you went crazier in there some wild eyed through a punch I punched him I knocked him out straight he knocked me out actually when he started his fight I was incredible it was incredible incredible are you coming back? he was no, I won't because once you've done something like that, you can never repeat the experience, you know, I mean, I was them once, the air was dressed in black, I think I was the only guy wearing a t-shirt white, I thought it was fine, I could imagine him wrapped up.

So, do you go to concerts often? He said, No, I don't think I'm going to another rock concert and I told him why and he said, I don't think there's any concert I'm going to. able to get over the experience of seeing ub40 live you know me that's why I've never seen him live because I don't want to end my life I thought it was a joke I thought he was making sure I was about to laugh and I realized that I was dead serious and left with the UV rays, oh well where did they go absolutely. blinding one of the most incredible life experiences I have ever seen in my life they make songs in a sort of simulated rugby style for apparently two hours and then I They say which of their favorites it was, I don't know if I said that if not.

I don't think we should leave anything out, he said. I don't think they're going to be able to top those classic albums. Iridium bag right in the kitchen. I remember one time when I went to register, okay, and I don't know what year. It must be like the summer of 1979 and I'm a foot away from leaving school and tell me if I'm wrong if it was now then, but this guy was in the back with a saw like he had a blaster and he was playing with a intention, obviously it is making it clear that he was in the goal, everyone ignored him and when he finished playing it, he rejected it and pointed out the days when they were in protest, when it was, what year it was, can someone point that out for me, call over the phone, oh wait 700. 800 one two three four I know it just came out, but what's surprising is when he said that about you before you were the best Loic swing ever.

It was one of those moments where you thought I never thought he would listen to anyone. Say that, yeah, you know, I mean, I don't know why I can't understand what kind of person you are. I suddenly realized at that moment that there is such a chasm between us. Is there anyone out there whose favorite band is you before a red? wine wine you might crack your glove when I watch him interview, they're really funny, but once you hear one, that's pretty much it, right? I guess I don't know, maybe I have an affinity, there are some hidden depths in them that we don't know, maybe some great songs that you could be heir to if you are a big fan.

Well, I'll never go see him because, why, I don't know why. Kind of like the best. Your experience is exactly what you know because you know it. give it a better one, well I know I'm definitely dying. I'm going to go, you will summon them to play high, bring me a labor of love, live it right in the kitchen.