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this is this true no this is trying to be this and failing not failing to be this under this this this is this this is this you know I've found it a lot harder to know what to write about and I think it's partly because I don't do anything I just I do concerts or babysit and yes, I also don't want to do all the other comics my age, which is just going out and remembering your childhood with a regional accent. I remember Griffin hands action man and now he had one of them grabbing hands action man I say grabbing hands it was the 1970s it was more like wandering hands action man but we shouldn't judge action man by today's values ​​you know like my attempt at a generic parody of live at the apollo, the nostalgic material is in itself superior to the real material, but still the years go by, the call never comes through as well.

I'll do some things to remember childhood because it's kind of a generic thing that has usually surprised people. I enjoy this, so in 1973, when I was five, a boy called Matt Clitheroe and the other boys in my Brook Street class, he from school in Solihull, kicked me in a urinal and urinated on me for a long time. I started it and he had headphones on me and he was laughing and then he called all the other kids and they were all peeing on me and laughing and I was five years old, I was a little kid and I was in a urinal and my eyes were stinging, something by ear got into the mouth and it was or where and it was.

I was scared too, but I have to admit, looking back, if I'm honest, on some level I enjoyed the experience, not the experience of being peed on. I didn't enjoy it in itself, but what I did enjoy and this is interesting, I think in light of what happened in my life, why I enjoyed it, I think it was the experience of making others laugh, I know. , I mean. Yeah, okay, I haven't been in therapy or anything like that, but you know, I wonder if that experience became addictive. You know, I may have been lying in a urinal covered in hot urine and crying, but on some level it was spectacle. business and I think about my adult life 26 years doing this five six nights a week.

You know, I won't be in therapy, like I say, to my surprise, my entire adult life is just a continuous attempt to try to make up for the first night after. night that first incredible taste of what it means to be a creative artist and I don't know, I think about it while I don't know, I mean, okay, I have no problem with your wild channels, I go up and down. on the highways doing concerts and I use the vinyl channels at your gas stations, you know, find it, but why what I've noticed now is that there is no longer enough pressure in my bladder to force my urine out through the one inch space between the tip? of my penis and the rim of any standard wall-mounted gas station urinal and you know it wasn't always like this.

I mean, once my urine stream was powerful, it was precise, he knows now it's like a riot water cannon. It is as if a sprayer descended in a fine toxic mist for the weasels. You know, I remember I broke my arm once. I was blowing bubbles on the step of a static caravan at a place called Beer in South Devon and I slipped in the bubble mixture and broke my arm and my grandad took me to hospital and Exeter and I were in traction for a month and one day my grandfather gave me a little bedpan to urinate in, but I kind of missed the edge and the stream from my earring was so powerful that it actually hit my grandfather, who was standing five feet away, in the whole face He was 28 years old, okay, whatever you can, whatever you can feel at home, you can feel the restlessness in the room and the foot, okay, what happened?

These tickets have been through the BBC ticket unit, so the people who have seen them before are these people who are here and there laughing because they know I wouldn't spend half an hour peeing, so they assume it's something. more or there's some kind of subtext or it's about nostalgia or memory or whatever, but a lot of these people and I try every year to make it harder for them to get in, but they can, they just apply through the BBC ticket unit . I don't know what they've come to and they didn't bring anything to the table, right, and they're thinking, oh, I'm not going to listen to this because it's just urine, right, but it's not, and what I've tried to do is I've shown you, write I'm trying to get you to believe a story but if it's just stupid little stupid jokes you want I can make our 28 years like this and I can make you laugh and I can do it at will like this okay I can turn on a penny and do it, but I'm trying to do something better, okay, and this is being recorded and you were here as a privilege, so make an effort and listen, there's a guy.

At one point when I say make an effort and listen, there's a guy bending over to sneak right in front of my eye line, and that's not going to make for good TV, is that a guy flailing where people does it visibly go on camera? Look, my grandfather. Wasn't he so bothered that this was a man who was shot at by Nazi fighter planes when he was an RAF ground crew in the Second World War? I mean, he looked death in the eyes. Charles urinates on his old man's face. It was just water off a duck's back or Charles' urine from an elder's faith that became a figure of speech in our family.

He used to describe anything unimportant. The traffic guard was rude to me. No, if I were a kid, I'm sure an older man would criticize me for driving too slow on the June fly dig this morning. If you were upset, Grandpa, I didn't really know that a child's urine would come out of an old man's face. I saw a boy urinating. on the back of a duck in Canada, their party was the duck, mom annoying, not annoying, exactly stewed, to be honest, I'm not sure how to describe it better, so much so that they are still doing most of the work with which I don't They will know that you mate. the beard you're dead weight in this room you are and you're right in my eye line you're dead weight there are laughing sycophants who would have loved that look I have another um happy childhood memory involving my grandfather and peeing About two years after I peed on my grandfather's face in Exeter in the West Country, there my mother took my grandfather on a nine-holiday to Malta and while we were there we were both urinating together in some sort of ceramic urinal in the floor of a rather ornate public urinal in Malta and there were large black Maltese flies buzzing around the twin streams of our year and my grandfather had been in the RAF, I remember he started trying to knock the flies down, telling me as he did so.

I like to pretend they are German, you know this from many men of his generation. I think in many ways the war never ended. Still, just you, isn't it still just you? Do you know what I have been? running this live for about six months and usually there's applause there and it's a law that the night you come to record there's only one group of people going so that's why I always drink the water at this time because I do. I drink the water magnanimously while I wait, I wait, I don't know, I don't know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we play our hand in this game, well, play the room as it is, how amazing, it's a good routine, you know, this is, this is true, there's a lot of skepticism in the room you serve in particular, no, you don't have people in the front row, right, this is quite true, the problem It's just that you're not like that.

It also influences what you think of us, don't you think we're Matt comedians? Aren't they crazy and desperate figures? A kind of low self-esteem. some childhood trauma, okay, this is why this is unworkable, right, because there are people, there is a table here to find things that are not right and yet here is a guy with a beard in the front row and yes, I'm supposed to take a course through this. I'm glad this was captured because it shows the impossible from time to time. This is a very difficult job. You know we lose it. Its very stressful.

We lose a lot of people. We knew it. Hancock and Lenny Bruce, all of these. guys because it's just you guys have a little bit and it always goes bang bang bang and then you have one night and you feel like it's melting underneath you and I mean audiences like you know you're as good as they murdered Robin Williams, they did it. You vote, you already have the rope and you kick, you did it and this is what you think, isn't it good? This is what you think of young Robin Williams who is angry and must have been high or drunk, that's what you think. true, they are like journalists, we don't think that, okay, we know what 60 years of nights like this are like where you have something that is like this and that and that and that's all you know, we lose a lot, we lose a lot of people it's all I mean, Cartwright, a car is a lethal weapon, right?

Wouldn't you get behind the wheel of a car if you couldn't drive? against people's self-esteem is a lethal weapon and you should not be in a comedy audience if you cannot follow the development of an idea because there are consequences of your indifference or your stupidity and that is the holocaust of dead comics. that we have Lenny Bruce Robin Williams and all these guys, the more you do it, you lose people that you know and I mean, is that you? I was on a billboard in Montreal 98 99 and it was me for about a month, me Richard Jeni Mitch Hedberg is very good and Stan is home and you know, about 45 years after that geek, half the people in that building were dead , you know, because of the apron, how well you know, why would you laugh at that and not?

Why would you laugh at someone who remembers it? people they've worked with that don't have enough it's a joke about flies you know, no, not really, I think about them, I think about all the comics we've lost and I'm like, I think about all the dead. Comedians killed by their own hand and I think about them every night before I go on stage, but I go on stage and finally I go out to these stages every night through a forest of ghosts of all the dead comics and I look. through them and I see you and the worst are the people I knew because they are not like ghosts in a movie, they are just the clothes they wore when I met them and they stand like they have studied. in a bar in Edinburgh or whatever and some of them come up to me from this side and say oh don't let them get you down, you know, the ones from this side come up to me and whisper, come join us. join us anyway, maltese flight, no, I'm just going to finish this part because I don't want everyone to go on social media.

I know some of you went crazy and didn't finish, I'll just finish this part, my Maltese. flies when that worries about all the things that happen to them it is only that what does not forget you and you take care of the curve to understand that you have in your visibly in different hands and your indifference on your television Executive board, courtesy table, life with beating hearts, you shouldn't have concentrated like that when you're mowing the lawn, reaching for the scene, watching, saying, the front row learning, looking at me like I'm a commodity for your dying channel because they're a continent. guys sweeping in front of you because there are consequences of your indifference and that's dead, the accumulation of dead now the old musicians, people you know and their blood is on you on your faces chlorine yawn yawn let the Maltese flies be I didn't bother everyone attacking them, it was just an old man making fun of a Maltese fly.

Why do you stop applauding yourself? You are applauding your own ability to follow the development of an idea. I tried. Dads have that. youthful, so a pleasure for me, you decided to film it and the worst thing about that memory is that my grandfather when he was urinating on those flies he was around 70 years old, he had had a heart attack, a stroke, heart valve replacement surgery . He was on warfarin and everyone listened and yet, Jeff, his urine is more powerful and precise than mine. He is now 47 years old so I went to see the doctor and he asked me for a urine sample which I thought was insensitive under the truck. so I gave him a sample of my wife shearing which I have been saving for you, friend, only when you love someone would you keep little things in the shape of a wedding cake.

The sign of her rubbing her urine was a younger woman in a bikini on a beach somewhere. they don't know you have it, you found it in a can, so she's Thailand or somewhere running around happy and laughing with her with another man, not you, a younger, fitter Aussie, a drummer with a little six-pack and speedos and not sitting under a strong umbrella, laughing and drinking cocktails, but it didn't work, did it? What a shame for you. We all like to think, don't we, that we make positive decisions in life, but sometimes it's all about which chair you're sinning in when the music stops anyway the doctor told me I was pregnant I had to come he said It's just age I thought forty-seven was a little young to be told anything It's just age But I know I'm falling apart since the last time I performed here.

I have been told that I am going deaf and that I have to use hearing aids. I have them on tonight. I've been using them this year, so they told us, after 25 years of a comedy career, that I have to wear headphones, soexample. I developed this cold, distant, arrogant stage persona because I had assumed that the audience didn't really appreciate who I was. It turns out that the concerts have gone very well. I thought he was an outsider artist who was difficult to understand. Apparently I'm incredibly popular. The public even likes it when I'm rude to them.

They love it, but it wasn't always so popular. I once got kicked in your Rhino feeder and pee came out, but that did me, why I guess? Oh argent it's like that Oh this is this, not that they can say it's not this, but you spent 25 years perfecting your art. You're just reduced to saying this is this yet and you can't even prove that Kenny you just have to insist that this is this you've written a lot of material and you've done lots and lots of gigs all over the country and the best you can offer him. to anyone what I'm saying is this is Shane I'm going to oh look that's not me going it's there did you know that it's a straw man that's sitting on the ground?

At home I could see that it's not whatever a vice president is, what it could be, so I'm going to build a whole career to disprove what I imagine someone might be thinking, yeah, a microphone, yeah, this is this, You keep saying no. It doesn't sound better, there are all kinds of things that can hey, this is happening again, no, this is a problem, but is this happening? I've lost track of what it's like now, well, the last time I felt this sample. I should intervene now. I feel like I literally have no tools to implement again.

It's two years of work. It's two years of work on our 2gig about six nights a week for two years to put all this together. People know it's not that good. Last time you heard this was done it doesn't make any sense, well okay all those things may be true but this is this.