Simon Sinek । 50 Minutes for the NEXT 50 Years of Your LIFE

I have five little rules you can follow as you find

your

spark and bring it to

life

. The first is to go after the things you want. Let me tell you a story. A friend of mine and I went for a run. Central Park, the road running organization, organizes races on the weekends and it is very common that at the end of the race they have a sponsor who will give something away, apples, bagels or something like that, and on this particular day, when we arrive at the end of At the race there were some free bagels and they had a picnic table set up and on one side there was a group of volunteers, on the table there were boxes of bagels and on the other side there was a long line of runners waiting to get their free Bagel, so I said to my friend let's go get a bagel and he looked at me and said oh that line is too long and I said free bagel and he said I don't want to wait in line and I was like free bagel and he said No let's go to do it too. long and that's when I realized that there are two ways of seeing the world: some people see what they want and others see what prevents them from getting what they want.

I could only see the bagels, he could only see the line. So I walked to the line, leaned between two people, put my hand in the box and pulled out two bagels and no one got mad at me because the rule is you can go after whatever you want, but you can't deny anyone else. go after whatever they want now I had to sacrifice choice I couldn't choose which bagel to buy I got what I got but I didn't have to wait in line so the point is you don't have to wait in line you don't have to do it like they have done everyone else you can do it

your

way you can break the rules you just can't stand in the way of someone else getting what they want that's rule number one rule number two I like this in the 18th century there was something that spread across Europe and finally came to the United States called Perle fever, also known as the Black Plague of childbirth, basically what was happening is women were giving birth and dying within 48 hours.

After giving birth, this black death of childbirth ravaged Europe and got worse and worse for more than a century, in some hospitals as many as 70% of women who gave birth died as a result of giving birth. but this was the Renaissance this was the time of empirical data and science and we had thrown away things like tradition and mysticism these were men of science these were doctors and these doctors and men of science wanted to study and try to find the reason for this black death from the children's bed and then they got to work studying and studying the corpses of the women who had died and in the morning they did autopsies and then in the afternoon they went to give birth to the babies and they finished their rounds and It wasn't until mid-19th century that Dr.

Oliver Wendell, father of Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, noticed that all these doctors who performed autopsies in the morning were not washing their hands before delivering the babies in the afternoon and pointed it out and said guys you are the problem and you ignored it and called it crazy for 30

years

until finally someone realized that if you just washed your hands it would go away and that's exactly what happened when they started sterilize your instruments and wash your hands the black plague of the children's bed disappeared the lesson here is that sometimes you are the problem and what I mean is that you must take responsibility for your actions, you can take all the credit in the world for the things you do well, as long as you also take responsibility for the things you do wrong, it should be a balanced equation, you don't get it one way and not the other, you can take credit when you also take responsibility, that's the lesson two, lesson three, let's take care of each other, America.

The Navy Seals are perhaps the most elite warriors in the world and one of the Seals was asked who makes it through the selection process and who can become a Seal and his response was: I can't tell you the type of person who becomes a Seal. seal I can't tell you the kind of person who manages to survive through outbreaks, but I can tell you the kind of people who don't turn into seals, he says, the guys who show up with huge bulging muscles covered in tattoos who want to show that the world how tough they are none of them make it, he said, the outstanding leaders who like to delegate all their responsibility and never do anything for themselves, none of them make it, he said, the Star College athletes who have never been tested until the end.

Deep down, none of them can move forward. He says some of the guys who make it through are skinny and skinny. He said some of the guys who make it through, you'll see them shaking with fear, he says. However, all the guys who make it through. They get over it when they are physically exhausted emotionally exhausted when they have nothing left to give physically or emotionally somehow they are somehow able to find the energy to dig deep within themselves and find the energy to help the guy around them. their side, they become seals. He said you want to be an elite warrior, it's not about how tough you are, it's not about how smart you are, it's not about how fast you are, if you want to be an elite warrior, you better be really good helping the person who left. of yourself and help the person on your right because that's how people move forward in the world, the world is too dangerous and the world is too difficult for you to think that you can do these things only if you find your spark.

I congratulate you now. Who are you going to ask for help and when are you going to accept help when it is offered to you? Learn that skill. Learn by practicing helping each other. It will be the most valuable thing you will learn in your entire

life

. Accepting help from what is offered to you and asking for it when you know you cannot. you can do it. The amazing thing is that when you learn to ask for help you will discover that there are people around you who always wanted to help you and just didn't. I think you needed it because you kept pretending you had everything under control and the moment you say I don't know what I'm doing I'm stuck I'm scared I don't think I can do this You'll find that many people who love you will rush to take care of you, but that's just It will happen if you learn to take care of them first.

Lesson Four Nelson Mandela is a particularly special case study in the world of leadership because he is universally regarded as a great leader, you can pick other personalities and depending on which nation you go to, we have different opinions about other personalities, but Nelson Mandela Throughout the world he is universally considered a great leader; He was actually the son of a tribal chief and one day he was asked Tell how he learned to be a great leader and he responded that he would go with his father to the tribal meetings and he remembers two things when his father met with other Elders: one, he always They sat in a circle and two, their father was always the last to speak they will tell you all your life that you need to learn to listen I would say you need to learn to be the last to speak speak I see him in the boardrooms every day of the week even People who consider themselves good leaders who can actually be decent leaders will walk into a room and say: this is the problem, this is what I think, but I'm interested in your opinion, let's walk around the room, it's too late, the ability to keep your opinions to yourself until everyone has spoken, makes two. things, one, it gives everyone else the feeling that they have been heard, it gives everyone else the ability to feel like they have contributed and two, you get the benefit of hearing what everyone else has to think before you give your opinion, the skill is really keeping your opinions to yourself if you agree with someone you don't nod yes if you don't agree with someone you don't nod no just sit back and take it all in and all you can do is ask questions so you can understand what that what they want to say and why they have the opinion they have you must understand where they speak from why they have the opinion they have not just what they say and in the end you will have your turn it sounds easy it is not practical to be the last to speak that is what he did Nelson Mandela number five my favorite story of all the real ones there was a former Under Secretary of Defense who was invited to give a speech at a large conference of about a thousand people and he was standing on stage with his cup of coffee. and a Styrofoam cup giving his prepared remarks with his PowerPoint behind him and he took a sip of his coffee and smiled and looked at the coffee and then went off script and said, you know, last year I spoke in this exact same place. conference last year I was still the undersecretary and when I spoke here last year they flew me here in business class and when I got to the airport there was someone waiting to take me to my hotel and they took me to my hotel and they had already checked me in and They just took me to my room and the

next

morning I came down and there was someone waiting in the lobby to meet me and they took me to this same place and took me through the back entrance and took me away.

I walked into the green room and he handed me a cup of coffee in a beautiful ceramic mug. He says I am no longer the undersecretary. I flew here by coach. I took a taxi to my hotel and checked in as I walked down the lobby. This morning I took another taxi to this place, I walked in the front door and found my way backstage and when I asked someone if they had coffee, they pointed to the coffee machine in the corner and I poured myself a cup of coffee at this here . Styrofoam mug, he says the lesson is that the ceramic mug was never made for me, but for the position I held.

I deserve a Styrofoam cup. Remember this as you gain fame, as you gain fortune, as you gain position and seniority, people will treat you better. They will keep the doors open for you. They will bring you a cup of tea and coffee without you even asking. They will call them sir and madam and give them things. None of those things are for you. Those things are for the The position you occupy is destined for the level you have reached of leader or success or whatever you want to call it, but you will always deserve a Styrofoam cup, remember that, remember that lesson in humility and gratitude, you can accept all the free things that you can.

I can accept all the benefits absolutely, you can enjoy them, but just be grateful for them and know that they are not for you, that none of us deserve the benefits that we receive, we all deserve a Styrofoam cup. I got to a point in my career where I had fallen in love with my job and didn't want to wake up and do it anymore. I'm just done. Everyone will go through stress. Everyone will go through trauma. Mental health is the big and important issue right now. I think that when someone says that he is fine, he is lying, there is nothing more dangerous in a modern society than a lonely man.

I need someone to sit in the mud with me, I don't need to be groomed, cleaned or given a towel. I just need them to sit in the mud with me so I don't feel alone when I'm sitting in the mud when my friends are fighting. I'm not saying take your time when my friends are struggling. I say keep going when my friends. They're crying, I say, go on, the underlying message is and I'm sitting here in the mud with you, it's the greatest honor of my life. I live my life by that code. I got to a point in my career where I was no longer in love with my job um on the surface my life was good, you know, I owned my own business, we had amazing clients, we did amazing work and uh, I didn't want to wake up and do more. .

I just finished, you know, and I felt deeply ashamed. bad because I shouldn't look at what I'm doing, look at the things I'm doing like I shouldn't be, you know, depressed or you know, I don't want to go to work, so I kept all those negative feelings to myself, which is really stupid. , um and the feelings became darker and darker and darker and they fed on each other, they fed on themselves and that's the problem with keeping negative feelings to yourself, they fester and they grow and it got to the point where It was a dark place, but all my energy went into pretending that I was happier, more in control, and more successful than I really felt, so no one knew and, uh, it wasn't until a A very dear friend of mine came to see me and told me that something was wrong. something different, I don't know what it is, but something is wrong and for some reason I opened up and was honest and it was cathartic, you know, it was a weight lifted off my shoulders and all that energy that went into lying and hiding and pretend. every day now I had new energy Renewed energy to find a solution.

I think it's very difficult when your friends tell you something is wrong and you say no, everything is fine and then they let it go or aren't even willing to say anything. outside, it's just too uncomfortable, you know, we don't like discomfort, we certainly don't like causing discomfort and we certainly don't want to create tension or a fight, so we just leave it and I think brave friends Friends who really love you from The truth is that they are the ones who rely on that tension and leave. I don't care what you say and I know you're lying to me.

I love you to death and I know something is wrong and I'm going to do it. Keep asking until you tell me you know and, more importantly, bewhatever, I have you, I love you, you're safe, I don't know what it is and I don't care what it is, I just know that I'm your partner. and you're never alone, you know, she told me you're not alone here, so I think she had the courage to get me to open up and then I went into the safe space, mental health is the big and important topic. Right now and I had a conversation with someone recently and I've realized that I don't actually like the term mental health, you know, it sounds like a fixed destiny, it sounds like you know, if you're not healthy, if you're not perfect , something is wrong with you so any kind of divergence or sadness means that you are imperfect, that's not true and I think it's an unfair standard to call it mental health and I think because at the end of the day you think about your body when you go to the gym, we call it that.

Fitness and some days you have good days at the gym and other days bad days at the gym bad days at the gym some days your body feels amazing you can lift a lot of weight and someday for whatever reason you are getting enough sleep and you are eating well you are hydrated, your body just isn't functioning that day and we're all familiar with that and it doesn't really bother us, you're like it's a bad day today and you go ahead and let that happen, but we don't treat our mental fitness the same way that you know that, being human, you are 100% mentally fit if you have sadness and if you have joy and if you have doubts, uncertainty and insecurity, that is what it is to be human like you.

The body sometimes has pain, there is nothing wrong with your body, so I like to call it mental fitness instead of mental health. I'm always working on my mental fitness and allowing periods of darkness, so just now when you said how are you? space I'm sitting in is that I actually feel quite lonely and I learned how to handle mental fitness during Co more than ever before because we had to deal with so many things well and before I would have embarrassed myself by saying I'm lonely, I would have hit him or repressed I don't like negative feelings uh whereas now I'm just sitting on it and not worrying about it um I'm allowing it to come over me like I'm allowing myself to have a bad day at the gym and strangely, even though it's not necessarily fun, I appreciate it. strangely because it makes me human.

I recognize that I am human, it is relatable and that is how I feel now. I am more open. about being in a darker space in the shadows right now because it makes me feel downright normal, it makes me feel human and it's part of mental fitness, you know, and if I didn't have days off or weeks off, then how would I know what to work on? Do you know how I would know what good looks like? How would I know how to appreciate Happy Days if I didn't have some bad days? So I'm weird. Grateful for what I am going through now, you know that human beings, despite our own opinions, are not so strong or so intelligent, but in teams, in groups, we are incredible and, for that reason, we try to solve our own life. problems by yourself, so I have very bad news, you can't, that's why addiction exists, because I can't solve these problems by myself, I can't overcome stress, so I'm going to drink, you know?

I'm going to do something else that is harmful to me, my family and my relationships, as all addictions are, whether you're addicted to your cell phone, addicted to alcohol, addicted to drugs, you're going to destroy your relationships, you're leaving. to destroy yourself and There is tremendous value in someone who loves you to say I got you, I'm here, let's do this together or to call a friend and say I think I'm struggling and I don't think I can do this alone, can you help me ? For me it's humiliating, but it's perhaps the most important lesson any human being can learn, which is, I don't know and I need help, and I think feeling comfortable asking for help and saying I don't know turns out that we are surrounded by people who want take care of us and help us but they don't because they didn't think we needed it because we were too busy presenting ourselves as perfect and having all the answers so they just didn't do it but they would if we just asked them when people say they feel alone, I think what happens is that you know that we are social animals that want to feel included, but we also feel that people see us, listen to us and understand us, and I think that my symptoms of loneliness are that I feel misunderstood or like people wouldn't understand me or worse yet I'm struggling to communicate or present myself in a way that people understand who I am, we can't do it alone, you know, when you find Darkness, you, you whatever you want to define your darkness, you know you feel alone, you feel like no one can help you, you feel like you have no agency, you feel a lack of control and the first thing many of us should do is reach out to a friend and tell them I'm struggling or I need help or that I'm lonely or I'm depressed or I'm sad, whatever your feeling is, so the first mistake people make is trying to fix it, not trying to fix it.

No, it's not something that can be fixed. You know, it's like I had a bad day at the gym. There is nothing to fix. You know, there's nothing to fix. I have a rule with my friends. My rule is not to cry alone. My close friends all know it and everyone. obey it like I'm going to get a call from someone who's someone who's an important person in the world and people know who they are and they're going to call me and say, Yeah, you have a minute and I'll say, yeah, what is it? up, they say, I just think I need to cry, I say, go, what do you have, what do you have on your mind and they'll tell me what's on their mind and they'll cry, and that's my rule, my rule with my friends is no. crying alone because if you're at the point of exhaustion from absolute frustration, whatever it is you can't hold back, I'd rather you call me or one of us and do it with someone, you should never cry alone, so I'm really good when I'm in a place like this calling someone and saying why I don't want to go through this alone and some of my friends have the skills to say how you feel. oh, that's how I feel, that must be very frustrating, yes, it's very difficult, tell me more about it, well, I'm going through this and that, and they know how to hold space, that's all I need, I need For someone to sit in the mud with me, I don't need to be groomed or cleaned or given a towel.

I just need them to sit in the mud with me so I don't feel alone when I'm sitting in the mud and I think it's our responsibility is to be able to have those skills that set of skills to do it for our friends and the people that we love or our colleagues we don't teach to listening we don't teach difficult conversations the fact that there is so much conversation about mental health, right? Now it's not, of course, partly because we just went through this crazy thing called Covid and the lockdowns and social media, sure you can pile on that if you want, but I think it's really the fact that such a loud conversation. on mental health is a spotlight on the fact that we don't know how to build deep and meaningful relationships.

I think it's a criticism of our current situation that not only do we not have the skills to be there for our friends, but also The way we are reacting is by trying to find resources to help me instead of teaching me how to help my friends. . I think we're going to do it, and only that, and I always say that leadership is about going. First, that's why we call you a leader. Right doesn't mean you have the answers, it doesn't mean you're right, it just means you were the first to take a step into the unknown, that we took the risk of going first and therefore in a relationship.

Of you can take the initiative one of you can go first to set the example of what it looks and feels like to say: I'm having a bad day today and I don't need you to fix it. I know what I'm doing. going through what I want to tell you all this because I want you to be there with me and I want to be there with you because I don't want to feel like this alone, there are two things that I think great leaders need. have empathy and perspective and I think these things are often forgotten.

Leaders are often so concerned about their status or their position in an organization that they actually forget their real job and the real job of a leader is not to be in charge, but to take care of those in our charge and I don't think the people realize this and I don't think people train for this when we are Junior our only responsibility is to be good at our job that's all we really have to do and some people are really going to get advanced education and so They may be really good at their jobs, accountants or whatever, and you show up and work hard and the company will give us tons and tons of training on how to do our job, show us how to use the software, send us away for a few days to train us in whatever we're doing for the company and then they expect us to be good at our job and that's what we do, we work very hard and if you're good at your job you'll get promoted and at some point you'll get promoted to a position in the one where we are now responsible for the people who do the work we used to do, but no one shows us how. to do that and that's why we hire managers and not leaders because the reason our managers are micromanaging us is because they actually know how to do the job better than us, that's what promoted them.

Really what we have to do is go through a transition some people do it quickly some people do it slowly and unfortunately some people will never make that transition so we have to go through this transition of being responsible for the work and then handing it over to someone who Now he is responsible for the people. who are responsible for the work and, as I said before, one of the big things that is missing in most of our companies is that they do not teach us how to lead and leadership is a skill like any other, it is a skill that can be learned through practice and it is something you work on it is like a muscle if you practice it every day you will become good at it and you will become a strong leader if you stop practicing public relations you will become a weak leader like being a father everyone has the ability being a father does not mean that everyone wants to be a father and it does not mean that everyone should be a father leadership is the same we all have the ability to be leaders it does not mean that everyone should be a leader and it does not mean that everyone wants to be a leader and the reason is because it is a huge personal sacrifice remember you are not in charge you are responsible for those in your charge that means things like when everything goes well you have to give away all the credit and when everything goes wrong you have to take all the responsibility that sucks well it's things like staying late to show someone what to do it's things like when something really breaks when something goes wrong instead of yelling and screaming and taking charge you say try again when the overwhelming pressures don't fall on them the overwhelming pressures it falls on us at the end of the day great leader ERS they are not responsible for the work they are responsible for the people responsible for the work they are not even responsible for the results I I love talking to CEOs and telling them what their priority is and they get their hands dirty. on the hip, all proud and say that my priority is my client.

I tell you, you haven't really talked to a customer in 15

years

, there isn't a responsible CEO on the planet. for the customer they are simply not responsible for the people responsible for the people responsible for the customer I will tell you a true story A few months ago I stayed at the Four Seasons in Las Vegas it is a A wonderful hotel and the reason why it is a wonderful hotel is not It's because of the elegant beds. Any hotel can buy a fancy bed. The reason it is a wonderful hotel is because of the people who work there.

If you walk past someone at the Four Seasons and this and they say hello to you, you get the feeling that they really wanted to say hello to you, it's not like someone told them that you have to say hello to all the customers, say hello to all the guests, right, you really feel that they care about you now. They have a coffee stand in their lobby and one afternoon I went to buy a cup of coffee and there was a barista named Noah who was serving me. Noah was fantastic, he was friendly and fun, he interacted with me and I had a lot of fun buying a cup of coffee.

In fact, I think I tipped him 100%. It was wonderful, so as is my nature, I asked Noah if you like your job and without missing a beat, Noah says I love my job and so I continued. He said what is the Four Seasons doing that would make you tell me I love my job and without missing a beat, Noah said that all day long the managers will walk by me and ask me how I am if there is anything I need. to do my job better he said not just my manager, any manager and then he said something magical, he says I work at Caesar's Palace too and Caesar at Caesar's Palace the managers are trying to make sure we're doing everything right, they catch us when "I do the things wrong," he says, "when I go to work there, I like to keep my head under the radar and just get through the day so I can get my paycheck," he says, here at the 4 Seasons, I feel like I can be the same person and completely different. experience ofclient that will relate to Noah, so we in leadership always criticize people, we always say we have to put the right people on the bus.

I have to fill my wrong team. I have to get the right people, but the reality is it's not the people, it's the leadership, if we create the right environment, we will have people like Noah at the Four Seasons, if we create the wrong environment, we will have people like Noah at Caesar's Palace, it's not the people and yet we are so quick to hire and fire that you can't hire and fire your children if there is, if your children are fighting it, we don't say that you have to see at school that you are up for adoption So why is it that when someone has performance problems at work, why is our instinct to say you're out?

We don't practice empathy, what does it do? empathy it seems that here is the lack of empathy, this is normal in our business world, you walk into someone's office, someone walks into our office and says that your numbers have gone down for the third consecutive quarter, you have to improve your numbers, otherwise Otherwise I can. I can't guarantee what the future will be like. How inspired do you think that person will be to come to work the

next

day? This is what empathy looks like. When you walk into someone's office, someone walks into your office and says your numbers are down for the third quarter of a year.

Are you OK? I'm worried about you. What's going on? We all have performance problems. Maybe someone's child is sick. Maybe he is having problems in his marriage. Maybe one of his parents is dying. We don't know what's going on in his life. lives and, of course, will affect performance at work. Empathy is caring about human beings, not just about their production. For some reason, our world of work has changed in the last 20 and 30 years. We are suffering the side effect of the remaining business theories. from the 80s and 99s and they are bad for people and they are bad for business, let me give you an example: the concept of shareholder supremacy was a theory proposed in the late 70s and became popularized in the 80s and 90s Now, as a standard, today you talk to any public company and ask them their priority and they tell you to maximize shareholder value.

It's really like a coach who prioritizes the needs of the fans over the needs of the players. How are you going to build a winning team with that model? but that is normal nowadays we don't even perceive it as broken, damaged, incorrect or outdated. Remember that the 80s and 90s were boom years with relative peace and a kinder, gentler Cold War. No one practiced hiding under their desks at school anymore. These are no longer boom years, they are no longer times of peace and those models cannot work today here is another Mass layoffs using someone's livelihood to balance the books, it is so normal today in the United States that we don't even think about it.

We understand how broken and how harmful it is not only to humans but also to businesses. Knows? Companies talk about how they want to build trust and cooperation and announce a round of layoffs. Do you know the fastest way to destroy trust and cooperation in a company? Literally, in one day you fire people and everyone freaks out, right? Can you imagine sending someone home to say honey, I can't support our family anymore because the company missed its arbitrary projections this year and forgetting about the people who lost their jobs? people who kept their jobs because every decision a company makes is a piece of communication and the company the company just communicated to everyone else this is not a meritocracy, we don't care how hard you work or how long you've worked here.

If we get our numbers wrong and you land on the wrong side of the spreadsheet, sorry, we can't guarantee employment; In other words, we come to work every day in fear and ask our younger generation to work in environments where how would they. Any of us ever stand up and admit we made a mistake, we are told honestly that you have to be vulnerable, leaders are vulnerable, what does that mean? It doesn't mean you're crying. I'm vulnerable, right? No, what vulnerability means is. you create an environment where someone feels safe enough to raise their hand and say I don't know what I'm doing you've given me a job and I haven't been trained to do it I need help I made a mistake I screwed up something I'm afraid , I worry about all these things that no one would ever admit to within a company because it puts a target on your head in case there's another round, so we keep it to ourselves and how can a company ever?

They do well if no one is willing to admit that they made a mistake, they are afraid or they don't know what they are doing, and that is why we have literally created cultures where every day everyone comes to work and lies, hides lies, hides , they pretend and We are asking our younger generation to work and succeed and find themselves and build their confidence and overcome their addiction to technology and build strong relationships at work. We are asking us to do this and these are the environments that we have created and we keep saying they you are the future leaders we are the leaders now we are in control what we are doing this is what empathy means few of us can properly debate that there is an increase on depression, anxiety and suicide among young people, I mean, the statistics are alarming and then you have an entire generation that is growing up with lower self-esteem than previous generations.

The other problem that aggravates it is that we are growing up in a world of Facebook and Instagram; In other words, we are good at putting filters on the things that we are. You are good at showing people that life is amazing even though I am depressed, all our validation now comes from the number of likes, the number of followers we have, you have an addiction and like all addictions, over time it will destroy relationships. It costs time and it will cost money and it will make your life worse. You know the problem with addiction is that addicts know it's bad for them.

There are many alcoholics who know that what they do is unhealthy, but they are addicts. That's why they keep doing it. I think many of us can admit that what we do is unhealthy and that it is addictive and we can be addicted. The question we have to ask ourselves is what are the costs of the benefits we get from technology because there is always a cost for everything we gain, nothing is free, we know that interacting with social networks and our cell phones releases a chemical substance called dopamine, so when you get a text message, you feel good, so you know we've all had it where you.

You're feeling a little depressed or a little lonely, so you send 10 text messages to 10 friends, you know, hello, hello, hello, because it feels good when you get a right answer, that's why we count likes, that's why we come back 10 times to see if it goes and if it goes if my Instagram is growing slower. I would. Did I do something wrong. They don't like me anymore. The trauma for young children of not being friends because we know that when you get it, you get hit. dopamine, it feels good, that's why we like it, that's why we keep coming back.

Dopamine is the exact same chemical that makes us feel good when we smoke, when we drink, and when we gamble. In other words, it is highly addictive. We have smoking age restrictions. and alcohol and we have no age restrictions on social media and cell phones, which is equivalent to opening the liquor cabinet and telling our teenagers, hey, by the way, this teenage thing, if it gets you down, that That's basically what happens, you have a whole generation. who have access to an addictive mind-numbing chemical, cod dopamine, through social media and cell phones while going through the high stress of adolescence.

Why is this important? Almost all alcoholics discovered alcohol when they were teenagers, when we are very, very young, the only approval. What we need is the approval of our parents and as we go through adolescence we make this transition where we now need approval of our physical education. It is very frustrating for a parent, very important for us, that it allows us to acculturate outside of our immediate families to the Ler tribe. True, it is a very stressful and anxious period of our lives and we are supposed to learn to trust our friends. Some people, by chance, discover alcohol and the numbing effects of dopamine to help them cope with the stress and anxiety of adolescence.

Unfortunately, that becomes hardwired into their brain and for the rest of their lives, when they experience significant stress, they won't turn to a person, they'll turn to the bottle. Social stress. Financial stress. Professional stress. Those are pretty much the main reasons why an alcoholic drinks. What is happening is because we. We're allowing unfettered access to these dopamine-producing devices and media, basically, it's becoming scripted and what we're seeing is that as they get older, a lot of kids don't know how to form a deep, meaningful relationship. Their words, not mine, they will admit that many of their friendships are superficial, they will admit that their friends don't count on their friends, they don't trust their friends, they have fun with their friends, but they also know that their friends will cancel them if something better comes along. in the background.

Meaningful relationships don't exist because they never practice the skill set and worse yet, they don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with stress, so when significant stress starts to show up in their lives, they don't turn to the person they need. that they resort. a device they're turning to social media they're turning to these things that offer temporary relief we know the science is clear we know that people who spend more time on Facebook suffer at higher rates than people who spend less time on Facebook in these moments balanced things alcohol is not bad too much alcohol is bad gambling is fun too much gambling is dangerous true there is nothing wrong with social media and cell phones it is the imbalance true if you are sitting at dinner with your friend and you are texting him to someone not there, that's a problem, it's an addiction if you're sitting in a meeting with people you're supposed to listen to and talk to and you put your phone on the table face up or face down, I don't care, that sends a subconscious.

It sends a message to the room that you're not just not that important to me, that's what happens and the fact that you can't put it aside is because you're addicted, right? If you wake up and check your phone before saying "okay." tomorrow to your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse, you have an addiction and like any addiction, over time it will destroy relationships, it will cost time and it will cost money and it will make your life worse, so you will have a generation that will grow up with lower levels. self-esteem that does not have the coping mechanisms that have to do with excessive stress now you add the feeling of impatience, since they have grown up in a world of instant gratification you want to buy something, you go to Amazon, it arrives the next day you want to see a movie log in and watch a movie you don't check movie times you want to binge watch a TV show you don't even have to wait week after week I know people who skip seasons just so they can binge watch at the end of the season instant gratification as much as you want you can have instant everything you want instant gratification except job satisfaction and strength of relationships there is no app for that they are slow Meandering awkward messy processor and so what this young generation needs to learn is patience, that some things that really matter, like the love or work fulfillment, joy, love of life, self-confidence, a skill set, any of these things, all of these things take time, sometimes you can speed up some parts, but the overall journey is arduous and long and difficult and if you don't ask for help and learn that skill set you will fall off the mountain or worst case scenario and we are already seeing it, we are seeing an increase in this generation we are seeing an increase in accidental deaths due to drug overdoses. drugs we are seeing more and more children dropping out of school or being absent due to depression, something unheard of, this is really bad, those are all bad cases, the best case scenario is that you will have an entire population grows and goes through the life and never really find joy, they will never find deep satisfaction in work or life, they will just be fine, how's your job?, same as yesterday, how's your relationship?, that's fine, that's the best .

The case scenario brings me to my fourth point, which is the environment, which is that we're taking this incredible group of fantastic young people who just dealt a bad hand, it's not their fault, and we're putting them in corporate environments that care more about numbers than those of children who do not help them overcome the challenges of the digital world andfinding a greater balance that does not help them overcome the need for instant gratification and teach them the joys, impact and satisfaction of working hard at something for a long time that cannot be done in a month or even a year.

There should be cell phones in conference rooms nothing zero and I don't mean the sitting outside waiting to send a text type. I mean, like when you're sitting and waiting for a meeting to start, no one goes, this is what we all do, we all sit here and wait for the meeting to start, the meeting starts, okay, we start the meeting, no, not like that It's how relationships are formed, remember we talk. It's about the little things, relationships are formed this way we're waiting for a meeting to start and come on, how's your dad? I heard he was in the hospital oh he is very good, thanks for asking, now he is home oh I am very happy.

That was really amazing. I know it was really scary because that's how a relationship forms. Hey, did you ever do that report? Oh my god, no, I didn't. I'll help you. Totally, I can help you with that. This is really how trust is formed, trust is not formed in one event in one day, even in bad times trust is not built immediately, it is slow and steady consistency and we have to create mechanisms that allow those small interactions fluids happen when you are. go out to dinner with your friends like I do this with my friends when we go out to dinner and we leave together we leave the cell phone at home who we are calling maybe one of us brings a phone in case we need to take an Uber we will take a phone and it's As an alcoholic, the reason you take alcohol out of the house is because we can't trust our willpower.

It's just not strong enough, but when you remove Temptation it actually makes it a lot easier, so when you say don't check your phone, people will literally do this, but if you don't have the phone, you'll just enjoy it. the world and that's where ideas come, constant, constant, constant engagement is not where you have innovation and ideas, ideas happen when our minds wonder and we go and see something, I bet they could do that, that's called innovation , right, but are we taking it all away? Those little moments none of us should be charging our phones next to our beds, we should be charging our phones in our living rooms.

Eliminate temptation. You wake up in the middle of the night because you can't sleep. You don't check your phone. It's worse but if it's in the living room it's relaxed it's okay but it's my alarm clock I bought an alarm clock they cost $8 so I think we can't ignore these factors one of them of course has to be the imbalance of social media and cell phones in our lives. lives I'm not against it, I'm against quantity, it's true that we can't go to dinner with a friend and put our phone on airplane mode for an hour and a half and just be present with our friends and so how do we combat this imbalance?

You can't say when you are present, you are present when someone else says you are and the reason we meditate, for example, is because we learn things like calm, tranquility and concentration, and when you meditate, you have a thought and you learn. to label that thought, get it out of your head and deal with it later, so that when you're with a friend and he's talking, you're not thinking about the next thought you put in. You put your thoughts aside and listen completely to what they say, you concentrate on one thing that is them and you are not present until your friend at the end of the conversation tells you, thank you for listening, I feel heard, thank you for being there. present with me we are who we are as I said, we are completely formed by the experiences that we had when we were young, you know, at a fairly young age and now the opportunity that life presents to us is to make decisions that keep us in balance. with who we really are or not and I think one of the reasons why most of us feel uncomfortable or don't feel ourselves or don't know who we are is because we are making decisions that are inconsistent with that true cause with that reason. that.

True, we look for ways to distance ourselves from the impact of our decisions, we say things like it's what you have to do to get ahead, it's what my boss wants, everyone is doing it, it's the system, I have no choice, right? There are ways we can disassociate our responsibility, which is why you raise the case of individual athletes who become champions and then suffer depression. It's a pretty common story. You hear this from Olympic athletes. You know, Michael Phelps becomes the most nosy Olympian of all time. He immediately suffers from depression. Andre Agy becomes the most storied tennis player of all time, he immediately gets depressed and what I've learned from talking to some of these athletes in particular, but I think it also happens in the business world, which is from an age very early that they set a goal that, in my words, would be a very selfish goal.

I want to be the best at In the Olympic Games, no one wins the Olympic Games. You can be a winner in your sport and in your entire life from a very early age. Every decision you make is to help you advance this finite goal and all your relationships. Can you help? achieve my goal and if you can no longer help me achieve my goal, I no longer need you as a coach or even as a friend and big sacrifices are missing on birthdays, Christmas is missing, you know, important events in life are missing because I have to do it .

I ice so I can achieve my goal and when they're interviewed on the news, you know, at the Olympics or whatever, you know why you do it, they'll say, well, I'm doing it to inspire little kids, which is complete, you know? If you look at all their vision boards from when they were younger, pictures of podiums and medals and money, and Lamborghinis, not a single little kid of the people you're doing it for, it's just a Lucky Strike extra, I mean, absolutely. You inspire kids, but that's not the reason you did it, you just understand that, like I said, it's like it's a double and then when they achieve or don't achieve this and then they can't compete for it anymore, They've established their whole journey to order relationships into this, these finite selfish goals and when it's complete, they realize that they don't really have many friends around them, they don't really have many close relationships, they don't really even have a sense of purpose because They have spent the last 20 years or so with a purpose which was this finite goal that has now been exhausted and therefore they have no purpose and I see this in Broadway artists who set their entire lives to be in the West End or on Broadway every class every tap dance class every singing class they make it they get there and then depression or at least malaise or top executive the same if I just make a million dollars, you know If I become a millionaire, then I'll feel it and the The problem with all those things is that, as I said before, they are selfish.

It is your goal for your reasons, which is not satisfactory for any social animal or human being. The sense of joy, fulfillment, love, and purpose comes from our ability to serve another human being. Have a child. Tell me how it changes your life. Fall in love. Tell me how it changes your life. You know, think about all the stupid things, irrational things we've done. for love we get on planes and travel around the world just to say I love you, you know we do ridiculous things and it seems like everything is worth it and the sacrifices we make for a child seem worth it, but they are no longer for us and these things will live on beyond our own lives they are not finite they are infinite and there is nothing wrong with personal achievements there is nothing wrong with setting goals but it has to be in the context of something even bigger and see life of one as a continuum rather than an event is much healthier.

I'm not a big fan of the term self-improvement, but I like the idea of ​​self-awareness, you know, we all live with blind spots, we all live with gaps and missing pieces of information that by the way will last for the rest of our lives. and there are some people who choose to live a life where living with those voids is acceptable and they never fill them and we would say they remain stagnant and possibly either mentally or physically unhealthy, you know, increasingly unhealthy as they get older, you know. , for someone for anyone who wants to be a better version of themselves, a more aware version of themselves, you, we, I look for information and that comes in all kinds of forms, right? in a relationship, um, so, for example, I went and took a listening class.

She was dating someone and she accused me of being a bad listener and I was like, "You know what I do for a living, like I'm a really good listener." I don't know what you're talking about, you know, and then I took this listening class. It turns out that I am an absolutely brilliant listener with people I will never see again for the rest of my life, except among my friends and family. scary, so I had this basic skill set that I never applied with the people closest to me and I gave myself an out because, quote, I knew how to listen and then I realized I was a terrible listener, this was a blind spot , this was a gap and to have someone love me tell me that didn't work, I didn't believe them until you met this objective Outsider or at least I just took this class and came to this understanding which was brilliant, blind spot awareness and awareness of the skills I need to be a better brother, son, boyfriend, friend, you know, I had to learn to hold space for someone and then practice, that is awareness, and I think our health is awareness, unfortunately, some people wait for the breakup To learn that they are bad listeners, some people wait for a heart attack to realize that they are eating poorly.

That is consciousness. Consciousness is obtained by receiving a punch in the face. I believe that it is the responsibility of every human being if he wants to have value in the lives of others. seek awareness and how they appear in the world and how the world impacts them their mental health their physical health their ability to maintain relationships and care for relationships for those who want to appear better in the lives of others, which is what I see as healthy as a service to others, but I think we have neglected for decades the sociability of our animals and social media and cell phones and the ubiquity of those technologies have complicated our ability to be human and I began to realize that we have confused things . here, which is, we can't decide when we are present, we can practice being present and so, for anyone who has ever practiced meditation, there are absolutely benefits for us, without a doubt, those are important benefits for the physical and mental health from meditation and mindfulness. and we should practice them for sure, but I also think that is the main reason that some would consider a secondary reason, which is that if you practice meditation, for example, you learn to concentrate on one thing, your Mantra, a sound, your breathing, be it.

Whatever, you learn to don't think about anything, think about one thing, concentrate on one thing well, and if something interrupts that thing you have a thought, Did I leave the washing machine on it? You label it as a thought and you get it out of your head and you say I'll deal with it later and that's the idea: total concentration and the ability to get your thoughts out of your head to keep you focused on this one thing that you're now thinking about when you're sitting listening with a friend who is going through a difficult situation.

When are you listening? Are you waiting for your turn to speak? All the meditation practice you've been doing now is valuable in this moment when you're completely focused on what you're being told, every distraction, every screech of a car tire outside. everyone talking around you you don't listen to any of it you just listen to what they say to you you are completely focused on what they say to you and when you have your own advice that you would like to give or things that you want to say to them oh my God, to me That happened to me too, right, you say no, that's not important right now and you put it out of your head and deal with it later and at the end of that conversation your friend will say thank you I feel heard or thank you for being there for me or Thank you for giving me space or thank you for listening and all of those are indications that congratulations you have been present for another and I think that is what gives our lives.

The purpose is not to wake up every morning to learn to meditate so we can be present to ourselves, although that is valuable. What gives purpose to our lives is doing these things for others. There is nothing wrong with doing things and enjoying the benefit of those things. all means except the sense of deep feeling, the sense of purpose and meaning for one's life or work only comes when those things are for another and, in my opinion, primarily for another, where our benefit is secondary and that is where joy and love for business.relationships, friendships come from there, there is a great irony in all of this, which is that sacrificing yourself for another is really the most beautiful thing we can do.

I mean, that's what love is, sacrificing yourself for another and learning all these things to be. a better communicator learning mindfulness and meditation being fit if you can translate those things to another person, all those things begin to have a higher purpose